Ex wants joint custody of a child he has only willingly seen twice?

[cbg]

For years, long after we were all adults and child support/sharing holidays was a thing of the past, we continued to follow what we established at that time; Christmas Eve at Dad's (since he had remarried and had other family); Christmas Day at Mom's (since she hadn't and would be alone on Christmas otherwise). But my folks live only two miles apart; we can get from one house to the other in ten minutes. YMMV

 

[mayuriinabox]

For years, long after we were all adults and child support/sharing holidays was a thing of the past, we continued to follow what we established at that time; Christmas Eve at Dad's (since he had remarried and had other family); Christmas Day at Mom's (since she hadn't and would be alone on Christmas otherwise). But my folks live only two miles apart; we can get from one house to the other in ten minutes. YMMV

I doubt he would go for anything like that. It would just be me- my sister and her boyfriend live together and are having a baby soon- and my dad kind of comes and goes (mom passed away, but dad has a room here).. And my ex has a wife and child and they live with her parents.

 

[gam]

I doubt he would go for anything like that. It would just be me- my sister and her boyfriend live together and are having a baby soon- and my dad kind of comes and goes (mom passed away, but dad has a room here).. And my ex has a wife and child and they live with her parents.

Isn't there 2 hours between the 2 of you? I didn't feel like going back and looking, but has your ex really thought about this if there is 2 hours apart. The child and parents will be spending a lot of time in a car on the Holiday. Perhaps pointing this out to dad, might change his tune about having time on the exact Holiday every year and going every other would be a benefit. Dad is remarried with a child, so it will not just affect the child you have together but his other child to. It's all a matter of how you present it to dad, pointing out pros and cons to it.

 

[mayuriinabox]

Urgent?

I am going to meet with my ex tonight to talk about all of this..
It was supposed to be with a mediator but my finances will not allow it currently... So I suggested just having a talk about it so we can discuss concerns and get what we both want out in the open.
If this doesn't work.. then we will do mediation at a later date. If not court first- but then it will be court mandated.

That being said.. His lawyer told me that he is dead set on the name change.. (Also suggested a hyphenated last name with both of ours.. which would leave the child with just about every alphabet letter in his name) and they want joint custody. I told the lawyer that my primary concern is how often the child would be shifted around and I do not believe that it is in the childs best interest.

This will all be under discussion tonight..

The lawyer is trying to tell me that joint custody means equal time sharing of the child- and I *know* that is not always the case.. Particularly when the father has yet to spend any real quality time with the child.

 

[LdiJ]

I am going to meet with my ex tonight to talk about all of this..
It was supposed to be with a mediator but my finances will not allow it currently... So I suggested just having a talk about it so we can discuss concerns and get what we both want out in the open.
If this doesn't work.. then we will do mediation at a later date. If not court first- but then it will be court mandated.

That being said.. His lawyer told me that he is dead set on the name change.. (Also suggested a hyphenated last name with both of ours.. which would leave the child with just about every alphabet letter in his name) and they want joint custody. I told the lawyer that my primary concern is how often the child would be shifted around and I do not believe that it is in the childs best interest.

This will all be under discussion tonight..

The lawyer is trying to tell me that joint custody means equal time sharing of the child- and I *know* that is not always the case.. Particularly when the father has yet to spend any real quality time with the child.

I don't know who the "they" is that want joint custody, but I hope that this discussion will be just between you and dad. In fact, I think I would refuse to do it otherwise.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Who moved? If dad moved, make him suck it up on the transportation. If you moved, but only now the order is in place, see that it is split with the receiving party getting the child.

And address WHEN 2nd and 4th weekends start. THAT causes lots of discussion. In addition, I can tell you that mother's day is on 2nd weekend and father's day is on 3rd weekend. Address that change.

 

[Isis1]

I am going to meet with my ex tonight to talk about all of this..
It was supposed to be with a mediator but my finances will not allow it currently... So I suggested just having a talk about it so we can discuss concerns and get what we both want out in the open.
If this doesn't work.. then we will do mediation at a later date. If not court first- but then it will be court mandated.

That being said.. His lawyer told me that he is dead set on the name change.. (Also suggested a hyphenated last name with both of ours.. which would leave the child with just about every alphabet letter in his name) and they want joint custody. I told the lawyer that my primary concern is how often the child would be shifted around and I do not believe that it is in the childs best interest.

This will all be under discussion tonight..

The lawyer is trying to tell me that joint custody means equal time sharing of the child- and I *know* that is not always the case.. Particularly when the father has yet to spend any real quality time with the child.

i say, stand your ground with the name change. keep as is, or hyphen.

there are two types of custody. don't let the lawyer treat you stupid with those word games. always say JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY and JOINT PHYSICAL CUSTODY. never let the attorney mix up the two. joint legal is pretty much the norm...so i wouldn't fight that. you have primary physical NOW. you shall retain primary physical unless you are unfit and/or you and dad agree otherwise.

he needs to work his way up. this isn't for him. it's for the child. and you need to stress that with him. this isn't like throwing a child into the river without a lifejacket and figuring he'll figure it out on his own how to swim. this is a start to a brand new life with two parents.

 

[mayuriinabox]

I don't know who the "they" is that want joint custody, but I hope that this discussion will be just between you and dad. In fact, I think I would refuse to do it otherwise.

He and his wife. I am open to her listening and giving the child a chance to meet his little brother for the first time.. but as for her input- Of course, she will have input.. but ultimately it is between the father and I.

The lawyer... I am not so sure about. I am going to offer what seems fair (which is joint legal and a pretty decent visitation plan with a good amount during the summers) and tell him what I am willing to work on... so my hope is she might give him advice to accept the deal... because joint PHYSICAL right now at the amount of time they want.. with him being uninvolved.. I don't see it happening.
I am also hoping that by me trying to work with him.. it will show in court. If he refuses to budge and ask for less child support and whatnot... It will go to court.
This really isn't about money for ME, its for the child.. who deserves time and financial contribution from both parents.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

He and his wife. I am open to her listening and giving the child a chance to meet his little brother for the first time.. but as for her input- Of course, she will have input.. but ultimately it is between the father and I.

The lawyer... I am not so sure about. I am going to offer what seems fair (which is joint legal and a pretty decent visitation plan with a good amount during the summers) and tell him what I am willing to work on... so my hope is she might give him advice to accept the deal... because joint PHYSICAL right now at the amount of time they want.. with him being uninvolved.. I don't see it happening.
I am also hoping that by me trying to work with him.. it will show in court. If he refuses to budge and ask for less child support and whatnot... It will go to court.
This really isn't about money for ME, its for the child.. who deserves time and financial contribution from both parents.

I offer you caution by allowing HER input. This is NOT her legal matter. this may give her an inflated ego or make her think she has more power than she does legally.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

My two cents here - this is HER doing. Eliminate her and you might actually be able to negotiate something.

 

[mayuriinabox]

My two cents here - this is HER doing. Eliminate her and you might actually be able to negotiate something.

Well. I went to the negotiation and well...


They want the childs last name changed- we're just going to have to take that to court.
SHE did all the talking.. until it got to child support.. in which case... HE had a lot of questions.
They want true joint custody. Complete 50/50 and see no reason why a toddler wouldn't be able to handle it.

I even talked about headstart and pre-k... to which she told me that they could pay for a private tutor every other week at their house... Um.. no.
We did decide on a temporary order allowing them visitation rights until legitimation is established... Supervised. (Which would be until June/July)
Thats fine- great, even.
Then we decided on every other weekend as I suggested until the child is 2... then they want to add more time. "Milestones"

I am REALLY opposed to complete 50/50 and I really do feel that it is not in the best interest of the child. I'm not sure what to do from here. I am going to keep fighting it.. but I don't know if it would even be possible that we get 50/50.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

It really is all about child support. Let a judge make a decision based on the merits of the case. When one parent is so opposed and the father has been so disinterested till this point, the chances of it getting to 50/50 is nil. What they don't understand is that even if it gets to 50/50, if dad makes that much more money, he will STILL owe child support.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

If it had gone to mediation, she wouldn't have been allowed in the room without permission and I know I would NOT have granted it. You need to make sure that you nip any overstepping on her part NOW else you'll be complaining about her interference.

 

[mayuriinabox]

It really is all about child support. Let a judge make a decision based on the merits of the case. When one parent is so opposed and the father has been so disinterested till this point, the chances of it getting to 50/50 is nil. What they don't understand is that even if it gets to 50/50, if dad makes that much more money, he will STILL owe child support.

They told him that and he kept asking questions.
He was VERY insterested in the child support... but none of the other stuff.. that his WIFE had decided.
"We this, we that.. etc"

 

[mayuriinabox]

They told him that and he kept asking questions.
He was VERY insterested in the child support... but none of the other stuff.. that his WIFE had decided.
"We this, we that.. etc"

A few other red flags popped up.
I do plan on enrolling the child in a headstart program AND pre-k.. because I think that early education (particularly when they absorb so much) is important.. And I told them this.. and the response was "Oh, well.. we can get him a private tutor for the weeks he is here." like attendance isn't an issue?
When their lawyer informed them that he would still have to pay 150 in child support even with joint custody.. he asked all sorts of questions, trying to find a way out of it. Which was probably a bad idea on his part- at least in front of me.. because it more than confirmed my suspicions.
My grandparents' lawyer (even though hes in Michigan) offered to read any and all documents before I sign them and offer advice whenever possible.. so I do have *some* help now.. and when they come down in the next week.. they want to help me find a lawyer.
Like I said, I am not keeping the child from him- we both agreed to a temporary order where they would be able to spend time with the child (whenever we are both available) until the legitimation.. which I was told most likely June-July. Then they want to do the EOW I suggested.. and build up to 50/50 shortly after.. Which I still don't find to be in the best interest.
The father and stepmother both work mon-fri, standard hours.. So he would be with her parents. When he is with me.. I work part-time.. so we do spend the majority of the day together. He goes to daycare on days I work (although, I would like to work full time and am currently looking into it)
I'm not sure what a judge is going to say at this point. :/