Ex wants joint custody of a child he has only willingly seen twice?

[LdiJ]

A few other red flags popped up.
I do plan on enrolling the child in a headstart program AND pre-k.. because I think that early education (particularly when they absorb so much) is important.. And I told them this.. and the response was "Oh, well.. we can get him a private tutor for the weeks he is here." like attendance isn't an issue?
When their lawyer informed them that he would still have to pay 150 in child support even with joint custody.. he asked all sorts of questions, trying to find a way out of it. Which was probably a bad idea on his part- at least in front of me.. because it more than confirmed my suspicions.
My grandparents' lawyer (even though hes in Michigan) offered to read any and all documents before I sign them and offer advice whenever possible.. so I do have *some* help now.. and when they come down in the next week.. they want to help me find a lawyer.
Like I said, I am not keeping the child from him- we both agreed to a temporary order where they would be able to spend time with the child (whenever we are both available) until the legitimation.. which I was told most likely June-July. Then they want to do the EOW I suggested.. and build up to 50/50 shortly after.. Which I still don't find to be in the best interest.
The father and stepmother both work mon-fri, standard hours.. So he would be with her parents. When he is with me.. I work part-time.. so we do spend the majority of the day together. He goes to daycare on days I work (although, I would like to work full time and am currently looking into it)
I'm not sure what a judge is going to say at this point. :/

Again, without your agreement 50/50 is highly unlikely to happen.

 

[mayuriinabox]

Again, without your agreement 50/50 is highly unlikely to happen.

It is good to hear that and know that.
It's kind of appalling that he has done no research on anything and made no decisions about when he would like to see the child or anything. I really am sad that his wife has made all the decisions. Thats just on a personal note..

The child is a really big people person.. and they want to use that as an excuse to get him into a 50/50 custody agreement... They said he would have no problem adjusting. But thats wrong. He is used to being away from me for a few hours (work shift or whatnot).. and then I come get him. He EXPECTS it and when I am late, he gets upset. He knows he will come home at night, sleep in his bed, he knows what to expect and everything.

 

[Ohiogal]

It is good to hear that and know that.
It's kind of appalling that he has done no research on anything and made no decisions about when he would like to see the child or anything. I really am sad that his wife has made all the decisions. Thats just on a personal note..

The child is a really big people person.. and they want to use that as an excuse to get him into a 50/50 custody agreement... They said he would have no problem adjusting. But thats wrong. He is used to being away from me for a few hours (work shift or whatnot).. and then I come get him. He EXPECTS it and when I am late, he gets upset. He knows he will come home at night, sleep in his bed, he knows what to expect and everything.

He will have to get used to different expectations. He cannot expect to sleep in his bed in your home from now on. It won't happen. Time to start getting him used to NEW expectations. That is something you will have to help him figure out -- and no I do not mean necessarily for 50/50 time. But for overnights and most likely extended time in the summer at least.

 

[mayuriinabox]

He will have to get used to different expectations. He cannot expect to sleep in his bed in your home from now on. It won't happen. Time to start getting him used to NEW expectations. That is something you will have to help him figure out -- and no I do not mean necessarily for 50/50 time. But for overnights and most likely extended time in the summer at least.

I know and I realize that. When I offered to let them see him and whatnot.. it was honestly because I do feel that the child does need his father.
If what I offered them was that bad and they really wanted to be a part of his life.. could they not have sued for custody beforehand?

What I offered was extended weekend visitation.. and was willing to negotiate on holidays and summer time. So I am fully prepared (emotionally) to help him through the transition to overnight visitation at some point. As for 50/50.. Many of my friends have gone through this themselves (as children).. and most of them said the same thing. They wouldn't wish it on their children. I realize all children are different.. and the more that my ex's wife mentioned it at negotiations.. the more red flags went off. In the event that we do go to mediation anytime soon.. I will make it a point to ask that she not be there- or just not have part in the mediation.

 

[TheGeekess]

I know and I realize that. When I offered to let them see him and whatnot.. it was honestly because I do feel that the child does need his father.
If what I offered them was that bad and they really wanted to be a part of his life.. could they not have sued for custody beforehand?

What I offered was extended weekend visitation.. and was willing to negotiate on holidays and summer time. So I am fully prepared (emotionally) to help him through the transition to overnight visitation at some point. As for 50/50.. Many of my friends have gone through this themselves (as children).. and most of them said the same thing. They wouldn't wish it on their children. I realize all children are different.. and the more that my ex's wife mentioned it at negotiations.. the more red flags went off. In the event that we do go to mediation anytime soon.. I will make it a point to ask that she not be there- or just not have part in the mediation.

Dad's wife has no say. She has as much say in the legal aspects of the visitation/custody/child support order as the mail man.

 

[mayuriinabox]

Dad's wife has no say. She has as much say in the legal aspects of the visitation/custody/child support order as the mail man.

Good
Also.. before negotiations, I was asked to sign a paper stating that my ex's lawyer would not be giving me legal advice and I am there without legal representation of my own free will..

I asked to make sure, while reading it, that it was just for that meeting in particular. She said yes.
Is this customary? Or did I make a huge mistake? I am looking into lawyers and I just want to make sure I didn't sign something saying that I wouldn't get one (somehow) or choose to go through the case without one. Or through actual mediation.

 

[LdiJ]

Good
Also.. before negotiations, I was asked to sign a paper stating that my ex's lawyer would not be giving me legal advice and I am there without legal representation of my own free will..

I asked to make sure, while reading it, that it was just for that meeting in particular. She said yes.
Is this customary? Or did I make a huge mistake? I am looking into lawyers and I just want to make sure I didn't sign something saying that I wouldn't get one (somehow) or choose to go through the case without one. Or through actual mediation.

It was only with this post that I truly realized that your ex's attorney was present for this negotiation. Do not EVER allow that to happen again.

Either you both negotiate without an attorney, or you negotiate in front of a mediator without an attorney. Don't put yourself in that position again. Neither his attorney nor his wife should have been present.

 

[Silverplum]

It was only with this post that I truly realized that your ex's attorney was present for this negotiation. Do not EVER allow that to happen again.

Either you both negotiate without an attorney, or you negotiate in front of a mediator without an attorney. Don't put yourself in that position again. Neither his attorney nor his wife should have been present.

I disagree. In my state, which is not yours which is not the OP's, litigants can bring attorneys. They also can mediate from separate rooms, with the mediator traveling between rooms.

There is no reason, IMO, to deprive a litigant of access to his/her attorney.

 

[LdiJ]

I disagree. In my state, which is not yours which is not the OP's, litigants can bring attorneys. They also can mediate from separate rooms, with the mediator traveling between rooms.

There is no reason, IMO, to deprive a litigant of access to his/her attorney.

Ok...I can see it being ok for an attorney to be present during mediation, although I am not used to that. However, the mediator would prevent the attorney from taking advantage of the unrepresented party.

 

[Silverplum]

Ok...I can see it being ok for an attorney to be present during mediation, although I am not used to that.

Thank you.

However, the mediator would prevent the attorney from taking advantage of the unrepresented party.

Regarding the bolded, I wouldn't count on that, myself. The mediator is there only for the purpose of trying to get the parties to come to an agreement, however that happens. The mediator is not there to protect anyone's rights.

 

[gam]

Ok...I can see it being ok for an attorney to be present during mediation, although I am not used to that. However, the mediator would prevent the attorney from taking advantage of the unrepresented party.

You can have an attorney present in my state to, of course not OP's state either. But at least in my state I would not count on the mediator preventing the attorney from taking advantage of the unrepresented party either. I'm not exactly sure what you mean by taking advantage of, but things can't get really stretched out there and a mediator would have no problem with it, if the other side agreed. At least in my area, mediators don't have to have a law background. They basically know what the parenting time guidelines say in case 2 parties don't agree to something, but they don't know the laws.

I don't know what it is like in other areas, but should be something the poster checks for her area. Regardless poster should not do private mediations with him having a lawyer present. She already made a mistake of having his wife there and giving her a say. Now with his lawyer there, she just showed all her cards to him and his lawyer, with no protection for herself.

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you.


Regarding the bolded, I wouldn't count on that, myself. The mediator is there only for the purpose of trying to get the parties to come to an agreement, however that happens. The mediator is not there to protect anyone's rights.

I have found mediators to be more proactive than that. To say up front if they are certain that something won't fly with a judge (for example), or to state if something is contrary to fixed guidelines that a judge would expect to be followed. I cannot imagine a mediator that wouldn't stop an attorney that was attempting to walk all over an unrepresented party (again for example).

 

[Silverplum]

I have found mediators to be more proactive than that. To say up front if they are certain that something won't fly with a judge (for example), or to state if something is contrary to fixed guidelines that a judge would expect to be followed. I cannot imagine a mediator that wouldn't stop an attorney that was attempting to walk all over an unrepresented party (again for example).

We've met different mediators.

The ones that I have met do obviously not know any law and are not there to guide one in a legal process. They are there to guide the parties to agreement.

 

[mayuriinabox]

You can have an attorney present in my state to, of course not OP's state either. But at least in my state I would not count on the mediator preventing the attorney from taking advantage of the unrepresented party either. I'm not exactly sure what you mean by taking advantage of, but things can't get really stretched out there and a mediator would have no problem with it, if the other side agreed. At least in my area, mediators don't have to have a law background. They basically know what the parenting time guidelines say in case 2 parties don't agree to something, but they don't know the laws.

I don't know what it is like in other areas, but should be something the poster checks for her area. Regardless poster should not do private mediations with him having a lawyer present. She already made a mistake of having his wife there and giving her a say. Now with his lawyer there, she just showed all her cards to him and his lawyer, with no protection for herself.

His lawyer kind of acted AS a mediator in a sense.. she just asked questions and we both responded and interacted with each other.
I figured his wife would be there.. and I believe they showed me just about everything as well. I only responded with exactly what I put in my parenting plan. They wanted joint custody.. and I said no. They wanted to work up to 50/50 by starting with every other weekend.. I said no.
They gave excuses as to why it would work (as in.. they wanted to hire a private tutor for weeks he would be with them while in pre-k or headstart.. which would be a problem because most places are very attentive to attendance. At least here there are. You pay for each week of daycare even if the child is not there. I would think that since headstart and pre-k are lotto funded, that attendance would be crucial considering that the state pays for it. And the child being absent for too long from school is a BIG no for me. )
They asked questions about the child- clothes size, all that, and I answered truthfully.. because.. lets face it- they will have to have stuff there for him. Diapers, etc.
I *really* wish I had a witness there.. He just sat there the entire time until child support came up.. then got mad because he would still have to pay a little. That said a lot to me.
Let me be clear that I filed child support so the child would have access to things he needs. Diapers- daycare- etc. I didn't file so I can go quit my job or get manicures and buy Gucci. His excuse for not wanting to pay is that he has other obligations and another child. With the child support calculators, the child should be getting 640 a month from the parents combined.. His would be 80% because he makes a heck of a lot more than me. I decided shortly after to act as though he paid child support to his wife (which.. I guess technically would be true?) in the same percentage and the same about he would be paying for the child in this case. It only brought it down about 80 dollars.
He knows nothing about this child support calculator and he doesn't know that GA does the same percentage to daycare. His wife knew. She also knew how much he would stand to pay. (My income is a secret until the financial affidavits are given)...
That being said.. I know what they plan to counter the child support argument with (which will most likely not work.. Every lawyer I have talked to said the same thing... "It's not the child's fault." ) and I know their responses to the questions I have posed about their parenting plan.
His lack of interest completely in the case is ridiculous. I did talk to another lawyer today.. Said I stand a 75% to 80% chance of retaining sole physical custody in this case.. So I feel a little better. But still looking into an affordable lawyer. And if they were telling me what I wanted to hear- 100% would have been better .. So I feel pretty strongly that he wasn't just trying to get me to employ him. He knew my situation and even recommended courses of action.
As for the next mediation.. Like I said, I will make sure that the wife is not there. I'd like to hear what he really thinks about everything anyway.. He has quite a temper.. So if this is taken to mediation and he becomes unreasonable and angry.. Wouldn't that have some standing? I think I remember someone saying that a mediator can give an opinion?
I do really think they are trying to pull the wool over my eyes on some things though. Ok... The filing of child support took place in county A. He lives in county B and I live in county C. Until March, I lived in county D. He filed for legitimation in county A and had it moved to county D AFTER I had moved to county C. They want it moved back to county A because its halfway. The lawyer I spoke to said that there are so many jurisdictional problems that it isn't funny. Should I just go ahead and get it transferred to county C?

 

[gam]

When you gave the no answers, did they ask you for reasons. Think on your reasons if you did, and then you can see what other arguments they can now come up with. Object is to stay a step ahead. Think on all of your ex's, his wife's and their lawyers answers, now you may have new arguments yourself. Again the object is stay a step ahead.

As for headstart, obviously a court knows what that program is, so you have your arguments already as to the why's of this being good for the child. Just understand that there are people out there who have orders that the child is in 2 different daycares or 2 different preschools. It happens, and I'm not trying to scare you, just letting you know to prepare. My own opinion on it, nuts to order the child into 2 different daycares or preschools, but my opinion don't count.

I don't think anyone here sees you as out to get dad. Common when one is not in the picture to show up screaming 50/50, when one goes and files child support. They don't want to pay MOM/DAD(does occur when dad is the one with the child and files for CS to), they can't seem to get it through their heads, they are paying you back for what you spend to raise their child. Some never figure that out and some do. Men(no offense to men but)tend to not check into this prior, women usually check into it, his wife has an idea of what he will be paying, because she is a woman, lol.

If you have no trusted people for recommendations on lawyers, one good way if you have some time is sit in the courtroom that your case could be heard in. I have helped family members find some darn good ones this way. Another good thing on doing this, is you can hear cases and get a feel to what a Judge in your court might rule on different things. First though you would need to see if family cases in your court are open, I have no clue if that is the case in GA.

Yes if your ex gets angry and unreasonable in mediation or in a courtroom, that would help. Just saw that happen in case, and have seen it happen in others. Mediators can have opinions, it depends on how the mediation is set up. Here in my state they have binding mediation where it all will be submitted and what ever the mediator decides will be what the order is. They also have just mediation, where none of it matters, mediator does not have an opinion. Then we have some others that can do mediation and they write recommendations that most Judges will follow.

I don't know GA though, go back to the first page of this post, and the TheGeekess posted a nice list of links for you. Do some googling on mediation in GA, see if your court is online and if there is info on there, and check your site gov site to. Someone else might have a better answer for you to, but it sure will help you to read the links they left for you and to do some googling to.

Normally jurisdiction is the county the child lives in, but yeah you got a mess going with it. Honestly this is not something I can answer, not my strong suit when it is not my state, maybe someone else will have an answer for ya.