Restraining order dilema....

[Just Blue]

You need to wrap you brain around the fact that YOU DID ABUSE HER! You prevented a grown woman from leaving. You are damn lucky that you are not fighting criminal charges!

 

[RNK23]

Yes I kept her there when she wanted to leave. At the time that wasn't my intention, but regardless I know I have to deal with that. It is something I have to deal with everyday. BUT I did not nor have I ever abused her. I have never put my hands on her in a way that was anything but loving.

I understand that you probably have a lot of experience in dealing with these kind of issues, but that does not mean that this situation is the same as others you may have seen. Look, I am not trying to defend my actions that night. I know that what I did was wrong and as I said before it is something that I deal with and replay in my head everyday. However, I do not see how I can be deemed an iminent threat to her, to a point where a restraining order is neccessary. That's my only concern at this point.

So please understand that I am not defending my actions or saying that what I did was ok. As cliche as it sounds, it was a heat of the moment type thing and we both reacted in a way that wasn't for the best. I am no legal expert, but I do not think that it warrants a RO against me. As I said though, my only concern is what if any effect this RO will have in other aspects of my life.

 

[CJane]

Mostly because I don't want it to affect other aspects of my life. I am not really familiar with legal issues and court proceedings, but a few people I have talked to say that a RO will show up on any criminal background check.

It's a CIVIL ORDER - it's not gonna affect you. I have passed several criminal background checks in the past year, changed jobs, moved into a new place (the apt complex runs criminal bg checks), etc.

If this is infact NOT true, and it can have no other affect other than to not have contact with her, I can accept that. It's just that I don't want that social stigma that I am abusive or ever have been. I am not a violent person, and I would never hurt those I care about.

Me either. THEY attacked ME - but they sought a restraining order and I didn't.

I know that because I am a guy and she is a girl the cards are automatically stacked against me. And since I am 6'3 and about 220 and she is 5'3 and about 100 pounds, of course there has to be more that went on.

I call bull****. Nothing irritates me more than men who say "It's because I have a penis" or "It's because I'm bigger than her"

Maybe she WAS scared of you as you towered over her, taking up the entire doorframe and forbid her to leave. But the judge who signed the ex parte doesn't have a clue if you're 4'9 or 6'10.

My ex-husband is taller and heavier than me... and his wife outweighs me by at least 50 lbs... probably closer to 70. I had EVERY reason to fear for MY physical safety... but I'm the one the orders are against.

I had to have bullied her and hit her and abusied her in some way. But honest to god, I did nor have I ever done anything to hurt her. This is someone I have loved with all my heart for 3 years and is someone I could never intentionally hurt. Yet somehow I have a restrainign order against me because I am a threat to her? I just don't get it...

You're gonna HAVE to 'get' it. Seriously. You prevented her from leaving the premises. You BROKE the LAW. Thank the gods that your 'punishment' is likely going to be a restraining order and not a DV conviction.

 

[RNK23]

I definitely get what you're saying! Don't get me wrong here, I truly appreciate the advice I have been given here. It is a lot better for me to get some insight from people who actually KNOW what they are talking about versus people who think they know what they are talking about.

My main concern was what, if any kind of impact this could have on the other areas of my life. Thankfully you and others have addressed those concerns for me. I know you call BS when I say I feel the the deck is stacked against me, but I guess it really is a matter of perception more than anything. I don't feel as if I am or ever was any kind of a threat to her. Obviously others may see it differently which is why I am in the position that i'm in. I am sure that EVERYONE here has lost their temper and said or did something that they regret. She is no different at all. She has gotten angry before and said or done things she wished she could take back. In any kind of passionate relationship, that is just the nature of the beast. That doesn't mean though that I should file a restraining order against her or anyone else that has done this. I did not hit her, I barely even yelled. My main priority was to try and difuse the situation somewhat so we could talk normally. Instead I get arrested and she files a restraining order against me. So forgive me for feeling that this is because I am a guy and she is a small girl. But like I said, it's all a matter of perception...

 

[CJane]

I received a PM from a poster here who had issues with the advice I gave. In the interest of public disclosure, I am posting the pertinent part of the PM here, as well as my response to the poster's concerns.

In one instance I believe you said, although I could be wrong, that a restraining order would not affect someone's record. I don't agree. I work for a very prominent govt. consulting firm in the DC area and i've heard where many people are not able to acquire DOD clearances and/or public trust clearances for ANY blemishes on their record and this includes RO's.

I stated that a CIVIL restraining order would not negatively affect a particular poster's future. Since he did not state that he was in law enforcement, or seeking DOD clearances, I have to assume he is not or will not, as that would have been extremely pertinent information.

A CIVIL RO is public record. Anyone with access to the courts online files (assuming they have them) can see that there is an RO against the OP once it's issued. But it will not show up on a CRIMINAL check and should not affect his ability to rent a home or get a job. Which is what his concern was.

 

[Just Blue]

I received a PM from a poster here who had issues with the advice I gave. In the interest of public disclosure, I am posting the pertinent part of the PM here, as well as my response to the poster's concerns.



I stated that a CIVIL restraining order would not negatively affect a particular poster's future. Since he did not state that he was in law enforcement, or seeking DOD clearances, I have to assume he is not or will not, as that would have been extremely pertinent information.

A CIVIL RO is public record. Anyone with access to the courts online files (assuming they have them) can see that there is an RO against the OP once it's issued. But it will not show up on a CRIMINAL check and should not affect his ability to rent a home or get a job. Which is what his concern was.

Who the hell is MikeKV and why is he so obsessed with you CJane??

 

[CJane]

Who the hell is MikeKV and why is he so obsessed with you CJane??

I don't know that 1 PM implies obsession, per se. Though I can absolutely understand becoming rather quickly enamored of my vast intellect.

I only posted publicly because I refuse to do anything via PM except gossip with you, dear Bay.

 

[Just Blue]

I don't know that 1 PM implies obsession, per se. Though I can absolutely understand becoming rather quickly enamored of my vast intellect.

I only posted publicly because I refuse to do anything via PM except gossip with you, dear Bay.

Ohhh....I thought he had sent you a couple...

I love to gossip....

 

[CJane]

Ohhh....I thought he had sent you a couple...

I love to gossip....

1 PM... multiple issues w/me.

Me too.

 

[stealth2]

Yes I kept her there when she wanted to leave. At the time that wasn't my intention

I'd love to know what your intention WAS, then, in blocking her exit.

 

[LdiJ]

Well that's the last thing I wanted, I really wasn't trying to "imprison" her. I just really wanted her to calm down and talk to me rationally. I didn't want her to just run out all erratic and do something stupid. I just simply wanted her to settle down a bit so we could work it out in a calm and mature manner.

This is the FIRST time anything like this has ever happened. I have never hit, or threatened to hit her. This litterally came out of nowehere and has completely blind-sided me. Everything had been wonderful(at least on the surface) for a long time now. We were talking about where we wanted to be married just the night before! Then this arguement happens and she just completely flies off the deep end, and now she says that she doesn't feel safe around me? I have been with her for 3 years and lived with her for 2. I just don't see how that can be.

I acknowledge that trying to keep her there was not the right thing to do, and I can accept(though not understand) that she doesn't want anything to do with me. What I do not understand is why a restraining order is neccessary. I would never hurt her and she HAS to know that. I mean, isn't a restraining order designed for protection? Doesn't there have to be some risk of harm for her to have this against me?

Take this as an object lesson. Now you know that you cannot prohibit someone from leaving if that is what they choose to do. Therefore, don't ever try to stop someone again.

 

[C'est la vie]

I understand

I just came back from court (In CA). My ex boyfriend filed a restraining order on me for email threats after we broke up. I decided to hire a lawyer. We decided on a civil compromise where I would pay his legal fees and go to counseling. The judge issued a continuance for us to come to an agreement. It is expensive to fight, and you have to decide if it is worth it. He was also going to file criminal charges against me through the DA, as he had filed a police report. Hopefully, I can get him to agree to the civil compromise, and everything will be gone. A RO isn't that big of a deal, only if you want to go into certain professions, want to own a gun, and don't want a red flag for when police pull you over. It is unfair, and they give these things out like candy. You may just decide to roll with it, and say C'est la vie...such is life.