my 13 yo daughter dosent want to return to her mothers house

[daddieO]

i have been divorced for several years i have two kids 14yo boy 13yo girl I live in Wisconsin my x lives in Illinois we are about 2 1/2 hours apart we have regular visitation...some depression issues mixed with the hormones of a 13 yo girl mixed with an overbearing control freak of a mother has my x and my daughter fighting like cats and dogs neither seems to be able to cope with the problems in a healthy manner. it all came to a head about 2 and half months ago when my x calls me and says come and get my daughter she cant deal with her I said fine we will need to go back to court she said ok....within 24 hours my daughter was in the children’s psych ward on suicide watch due to cutting the crap out of her arm and leg and threating suicide when I got down there my x was there we went in to see a counselor the conversation was all about my x when I asked if she wanted my to take my daughter she denied ever saying that I said wow ok not much I could do I told my daughter I loved her if she needed me call. Two weeks latter she was right back in there same reasons I asked why didn't she call she cried and said he mother wouldn't let her call or text me... other than listen there was still nothing I could do, now here we are again another 3 weeks latter and she did the same thing again "cutting" anyway she just got out of the ward again yesterday I went down and picked her up for regular visitation now she doesn't want to go home...there is a lot more to the story involving her mother but lets just keep it short and say she is not firing on all 8... what do I do ?

 

[Ohiogal]

i have been divorced for several years i have two kids 14yo boy 13yo girl I live in Wisconsin my x lives in Illinois we are about 2 1/2 hours apart we have regular visitation...some depression issues mixed with the hormones of a 13 yo girl mixed with an overbearing control freak of a mother has my x and my daughter fighting like cats and dogs neither seems to be able to cope with the problems in a healthy manner. it all came to a head about 2 and half months ago when my x calls me and says come and get my daughter she cant deal with her I said fine we will need to go back to court she said ok....within 24 hours my daughter was in the children’s psych ward on suicide watch due to cutting the crap out of her arm and leg and threating suicide when I got down there my x was there we went in to see a counselor the conversation was all about my x when I asked if she wanted my to take my daughter she denied ever saying that I said wow ok not much I could do I told my daughter I loved her if she needed me call. Two weeks latter she was right back in there same reasons I asked why didn't she call she cried and said he mother wouldn't let her call or text me... other than listen there was still nothing I could do, now here we are again another 3 weeks latter and she did the same thing again "cutting" anyway she just got out of the ward again yesterday I went down and picked her up for regular visitation now she doesn't want to go home...there is a lot more to the story involving her mother but lets just keep it short and say she is not firing on all 8... what do I do ?

So how often does your daughter go to counseling and a psychiatrist. What came of the psychiatric evaluation you made sure was completed upon your daughter? What followup have you done?

 

[Just Blue]

So how often does your daughter go to counseling and a psychiatrist. What came of the psychiatric evaluation you made sure was completed upon your daughter? What followup have you done?

From what I gleaned from the OP...He told his mentally unstable 13 yo daughter to "call if there is a problem".

 

[LdiJ]

i have been divorced for several years i have two kids 14yo boy 13yo girl I live in Wisconsin my x lives in Illinois we are about 2 1/2 hours apart we have regular visitation...some depression issues mixed with the hormones of a 13 yo girl mixed with an overbearing control freak of a mother has my x and my daughter fighting like cats and dogs neither seems to be able to cope with the problems in a healthy manner. it all came to a head about 2 and half months ago when my x calls me and says come and get my daughter she cant deal with her I said fine we will need to go back to court she said ok....within 24 hours my daughter was in the children’s psych ward on suicide watch due to cutting the crap out of her arm and leg and threating suicide when I got down there my x was there we went in to see a counselor the conversation was all about my x when I asked if she wanted my to take my daughter she denied ever saying that I said wow ok not much I could do I told my daughter I loved her if she needed me call. Two weeks latter she was right back in there same reasons I asked why didn't she call she cried and said he mother wouldn't let her call or text me... other than listen there was still nothing I could do, now here we are again another 3 weeks latter and she did the same thing again "cutting" anyway she just got out of the ward again yesterday I went down and picked her up for regular visitation now she doesn't want to go home...there is a lot more to the story involving her mother but lets just keep it short and say she is not firing on all 8... what do I do ?

Dad, one of two things is going on here. Either your daughter is seriously mentally unstable and simply changing her residence is NOT going to magically make her better, or she is going through an extreme case of adolescent drama and again, simply changing her residence is NOT going to magically solve the problem. She may seem better in the short term, but the problems will re-emerge in the long term.

You and mom need to be working together to help your daughter. Fighting over custody should only happen if her therapist believes that is the only way to keep her from harming herself.

 

[Ohiogal]

Dad, one of two things is going on here. Either your daughter is seriously mentally unstable and simply changing her residence is NOT going to magically make her better, or she is going through an extreme case of adolescent drama and again, simply changing her residence is NOT going to magically solve the problem. She may seem better in the short term, but the problems will re-emerge in the long term.

You and mom need to be working together to help your daughter. Fighting over custody should only happen if her therapist believes that is the only way to keep her from harming herself.

I don't see where he mentioned that the child actually has a therapist. All I see is about the psych ward. Nothing about what the therapist states or how often the child goes or what diagnoses the child has or anything of that nature. Hence, dad has a big problem.

But I agree with you.

 

[LdiJ]

I don't see where he mentioned that the child actually has a therapist. All I see is about the psych ward. Nothing about what the therapist states or how often the child goes or what diagnoses the child has or anything of that nature. Hence, dad has a big problem.

But I agree with you.

Hopefully after three trips to the psych ward these two parents have been smart enough to get her into regular and frequent counseling. If not, the child has much less of a chance of getting better.

 

[Just Blue]

Hopefully after three trips to the psych ward these two parents have been smart enough to get her into regular and frequent counseling. If not, the child has much less of a chance of getting better.

And a much better chance of becoming a statistic.

 

[daddieO]

yes she is of course seeing a therapist 2 or 3 times a week after school and is in out patient counseling 5 days a week ...I had a sit down with my daughter and her social worker Thursday it all came pouring out my daughter said the first time she cut herself was bc she was being bullied at school now she says her mom told her to lie and say that.... the real reasons are her mom is hitting her and calling her names like lesbian this lesbian that...I don't think that my daughter is a lesbian for starters and if she is so what..... she is mentally cruel with both my kids my son is extremely compliant I think he deals with her by over eating he is 14 and 230lbs of the sweetest kid you ever met ...she "my daughter" on the other hand is a bit more difficult to deal with defiantly no picnic of course she is a 13 yo child crossing over into womanhood she feels alone....I hope this better explains my situation,,,, my question is my daughter is refusing to go back to her mothers house what do I do ?... I could make her go back to her mothers is that best for her or is that best for me ?

 

[LdiJ]

yes she is of course seeing a therapist 2 or 3 times a week after school and is in out patient counseling 5 days a week ...I had a sit down with my daughter and her social worker Thursday it all came pouring out my daughter said the first time she cut herself was bc she was being bullied at school now she says her mom told her to lie and say that.... the real reasons are her mom is hitting her and calling her names like lesbian this lesbian that...I don't think that my daughter is a lesbian for starters and if she is so what..... she is mentally cruel with both my kids my son is extremely compliant I think he deals with her by over eating he is 14 and 230lbs of the sweetest kid you ever met ...she "my daughter" on the other hand is a bit more difficult to deal with defiantly no picnic of course she is a 13 yo child crossing over into womanhood she feels alone....I hope this better explains my situation,,,, my question is my daughter is refusing to go back to her mothers house what do I do ?... I could make her go back to her mothers is that best for her or is that best for me ?

If you do not make her go back, then its absolutely critical that you get an attorney first thing Monday morning to file an emergency motion for temporary custody. Otherwise you need to make her go back or you could put yourself in the position of getting LESS time with her rather than more. Any delay in filing the emergency motion could make a judge feel that you and your daughter are playing games.

 

[CJane]

I assume the therapist and the outpatient care are both in Mom's community?

Look, my daughter spent 8 days in the psych ward last summer, admitted by court order while visiting her Dad. Prior to her admittance, she was claiming that she wanted to stay with him, never wanted to move out here to begin with (he's in MO, we had recently moved to WA), etc. Here's what was uncovered after the hospital stay and the past near-year of therapy... She was so far down the rabbit hole of depression and anxiety, that she thought ANY change at all would be good for her. She was blaming her surroundings for her feelings. And YES she'd been hard to live with for awhile - she was non-compliant with her meds or her therapy, not sleeping, not eating right etc. It wasn't pretty.

But what she NEEDED, and what I fought like hell to make happen, is to come home. To get intensive therapy. To go to school, be with friends, and try to find normal again. She did NOT need someone to agree with her that any part of her life was optional, or that she was free to walk away from it. Nor did she need someone feeding the voice in her head that was telling her to run to something new and different, at any cost.

Tell her you love her. Send her home. Encourage her to be honest with her therapist. To call her therapist if she feels herself losing control. Not you. A medical professional. And stop giving credibility to her thoughts that she can outrun herself.