Previously Absent Father

[Ohiogal]

I only want what is best for my granddaughter. To be honest, I was not a fan of the father when they were together - however, I believe that everyone has the ability to change, everyone deserves a second chance, and no matter how I feel about him (or how my daughter feels about him) he IS my granddaughter's father and he has the right to be a part of her life if he chooses to do so, and my granddaughter has the right to know her father.

I have tried to reason with my daughter on this issue - but she won't hear anything I have to say. Not about this matter, or the other matter I will be posting about soon. She believes that she is right, and that things will be her way or no way.

Here are the facts as the court sees them:
1) Your daughter CHOSE him as father;
2) HE is a fit father because your daughter gave birth;
3) She determined he was fit because she didn't have an abortion;
4) The court is not going to care about HER excuses;
5) He sues for custody and visitation and he will stand EQUAL before the court with her (that is statute in Ohio).

Oh and the court may also see this: YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS TO GROW UP. She chose to spread her legs and allow dad to impregnate her. SHE needs to realize that SHE -- by her action of having sex -- gave the seal of approval to dad. Your daughter is an idiot and a court will tell her that with huge repercussions if she doesn't listen to you prior. She really needs to grow up and do the right thing.

 

[Ohiogal]

At this point in time I do not feel that my granddaughter is being sexually abused. The relationship ended shortly after the doctor visit I mentioned in my post. During that visit, her pediatrician did do a visual exam of my granddaughter's private parts and saw nothing out of the ordinary. As previously stated, it could have been the frequent bubble baths and potty training/not wiping properly that was causing the frequent infections.

At this time, I am concerned with what I feel is mental, emotional, and what I feel borders on physical abuse.

You won't want to hear this but quite frankly, CHOOSE. Choose between your granddaughter and everyone else. Make your granddaughter your priority and IF there is an actual issue, protect your granddaughter! Speak for her. Don't speak for YOU or your daughter or the child's father. Speak for HER. Ask for a GAL if nothing else.

 

[HerVoice]

You won't want to hear this but quite frankly, CHOOSE. Choose between your granddaughter and everyone else. Make your granddaughter your priority and IF there is an actual issue, protect your granddaughter! Speak for her. Don't speak for YOU or your daughter or the child's father. Speak for HER. Ask for a GAL if nothing else.

Ohiogal you are so right. I know this. Everything in my head tells me to take this matter to court because there is no reasoning with my daughter. But my fear remains the same - if a judge does not see the same things I see (and everyone around me sees), then I lose my granddaughter and I lose the ability to keep her safe. As it stands right now, she is living under my roof. I am with her every day - most days I am with her 24 hours. I am so afraid of losing her - afraid of my daughter taking her and moving away or not allowing me to see her again. I struggle with this every day.

 

[LdiJ]

Ohiogal you are so right. I know this. Everything in my head tells me to take this matter to court because there is no reasoning with my daughter. But my fear remains the same - if a judge does not see the same things I see (and everyone around me sees), then I lose my granddaughter and I lose the ability to keep her safe. As it stands right now, she is living under my roof. I am with her every day - most days I am with her 24 hours. I am so afraid of losing her - afraid of my daughter taking her and moving away or not allowing me to see her again. I struggle with this every day.

Grandma, you are right. If you take this to court, and lose, you will likely never see your daughter or granddaughter again...or at least not for a very long time. However, taking it to court and calling children's services to make an anonymous report are two different things. I do not really think that you are at that point yet though. If they are still living with you and your granddaughter is with you most of the time, then your granddaughter's exposure to this man is limited. You can also encourage your daughter to leave the child with you by saying things like "oh just leave her with me, she is going to spoil your evening if she is in that kind of mood"...limiting her exposure even more.

If you can protect your granddaughter that way, then you might be able to hold out until mom breaks up with him again...because its almost inevitable.

 

[Ohiogal]

Grandma, you are right. If you take this to court, and lose, you will likely never see your daughter or granddaughter again...or at least not for a very long time. However, taking it to court and calling children's services to make an anonymous report are two different things. I do not really think that you are at that point yet though. If they are still living with you and your granddaughter is with you most of the time, then your granddaughter's exposure to this man is limited. You can also encourage your daughter to leave the child with you by saying things like "oh just leave her with me, she is going to spoil your evening if she is in that kind of mood"...limiting her exposure even more.

If you can protect your granddaughter that way, then you might be able to hold out until mom breaks up with him again...because its almost inevitable.

While I agree somewhat, if dad does come back in the picture and takes this to court, grandma would have to decide what to do then. And apparently dad is back in the picture. Or wants back into the picture. The other thing is if this comes out and she doesn't call CPS to make an anonymous report, they investigate and remove the child? Grandma wouldn't get placement. She would be seen as unable to protect. She should call CPS to make the report.

ANYONE who calls CPS is kept confidential in Ohio -- anonymous or not. That is the law.

Public Children Services Agency
Dan Jackson, Director
85 North Grant Street, P.O. Box 72
Millersburg, OH 44654-0072
330-674-1111 800-971-7979

 

[LdiJ]

While I agree somewhat, if dad does come back in the picture and takes this to court, grandma would have to decide what to do then. And apparently dad is back in the picture. Or wants back into the picture. The other thing is if this comes out and she doesn't call CPS to make an anonymous report, they investigate and remove the child? Grandma wouldn't get placement. She would be seen as unable to protect. She should call CPS to make the report.

ANYONE who calls CPS is kept confidential in Ohio -- anonymous or not. That is the law.

Public Children Services Agency
Dan Jackson, Director
85 North Grant Street, P.O. Box 72
Millersburg, OH 44654-0072
330-674-1111 800-971-7979

OG, dad and the abusive man are two different people. The abusive man is mom's current boyfriend. Grandma is on board with dad coming back into the picture. Its only the abusive boyfriend that she has a problem with.

Its mom that has a problem with dad, and I bet its due to the abusive boyfriend not wanting dad in the picture.

 

[Ohiogal]

OG, dad and the abusive man are two different people. The abusive man is mom's current boyfriend. Grandma is on board with dad coming back into the picture. Its only the abusive boyfriend that she has a problem with.

I understand that but if dad is coming back into the picture and he finds out that there are issues with mom's current boyfriend, this whole thing could blow up. Also why is dad coming back now? I it because he heard about the abusive boyfriend? If this is forced to court, dad alleges the boyfriend is abusive, the court could throw it over to CPS because the JUDGE is a mandated reporter. The GAL is a mandated reporter. Various other things can end up forcing this issue and grandma could find herself on the wrong end of the whole situation -- because she has done nothing. At least if she makes a referral to CPS in Holmes county, her identity is kept secret AND she could find herself on the right side -- the side of her granddaughter -- if something happens.

If this child gets injured or is there during mom and the current boyfriend fighting and someone calls the police, guess what? the child is getting removed. Does grandma want to risk that? Because there is a risk for the grandchild if she does nothing.

 

[LdiJ]

I understand that but if dad is coming back into the picture and he finds out that there are issues with mom's current boyfriend, this whole thing could blow up. Also why is dad coming back now? I it because he heard about the abusive boyfriend? If this is forced to court, dad alleges the boyfriend is abusive, the court could throw it over to CPS because the JUDGE is a mandated reporter. The GAL is a mandated reporter. Various other things can end up forcing this issue and grandma could find herself on the wrong end of the whole situation -- because she has done nothing. At least if she makes a referral to CPS in Holmes county, her identity is kept secret AND she could find herself on the right side -- the side of her granddaughter -- if something happens.

If this child gets injured or is there during mom and the current boyfriend fighting and someone calls the police, guess what? the child is getting removed. Does grandma want to risk that? Because there is a risk for the grandchild if she does nothing.

I see your point. I am just a little uneasy about the whole thing. We all know that getting CPS involved can be a two edged sword.

 

[Ohiogal]

I see your point. I am just a little uneasy about the whole thing. We all know that getting CPS involved can be a two edged sword.

Trust me, CPS is NOT my favorite agency. EVER.

 

[HerVoice]

You all have given me so much more to think about. Things I hadn't thought of before. I need some time to process all of this. I know I will have more questions. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for all of your input and suggestions.

 

[HerVoice]

Also why is dad coming back now? I it because he heard about the abusive boyfriend?

I wonder about that also. I am tempted to contact him, just to see if he will talk to me about things. I tried before to sit down and talk to him. Despite not being a huge fan of his, I have always tried to help the two of them keep the lines of communication open. I have offered to be the "middle man" for pick up and drop off since my daughter had no desire to see him. The last time I sent him a text asking him to please sit down and talk to me, I got no response, but he sent a text to my daughter saying that he was afraid I was going to yell at him. I don't know where he got that idea, I have never raised my voice at him for any reason. I have an ex-husband (my daughters father) and we always had an amazing co-parent relationship - so I know what it takes to co-parent effectively for the benefit of the child. You would think that she would have learned something from watching how her father and I did things.

I would like to know what his intentions are, though.