L
LadyBlu
Guest
Help!!!! I'm stuck and I cant get out...
-
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To keep up with the humorous thread 
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a
model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to
nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a
model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to
nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
L
LadyBlu
Guest
A Little Presidential Humor.....
Subject: LBJ
It was a fact that during his presidency, LBJ would, on occasion,
personally call military offices and demand special favors. At one
such time, he is said to have called The Basic School (TBS, the USMC school
for the training of new officers) and the following ensued:
TBS: Good afternoon, this is The Basic School, how can I help you?
LBJ: This is President Johnson. We're having a state dinner here at
the White House next Saturday. I want you to send two Lieutenants to be
escorts for my daughters.
TBS: Yes Sir, Mr. President. Is that all?
LBJ: I want them in their dress uniforms, tall and good looking!
TBS: Yes sir, Mr. President. Two tall, good looking Lieutenants -
dress uniforms, next Saturday evening at the White House. Is there anything
else?
LBJ: (Remember, LBJ was an old-time Texas Democrat) Yeah, don't send
any damned Mexicans!
TBS: No Sir, Mr. President, no damned Mexicans. Will there be
anything else?
LBJ: No, that's all.
Saturday evening came and two tall, good looking Marine Lieutenants
showed up at the White House, resplendent in their dress uniforms.
They were promptly ushered in to meet Mrs. Johnson and introduced
themselves
as being there as escorts for her daughters.
She acknowledged their presence but said,
"But you're both black. There must be some mistake!"
One Lieutenant replied, "With all due respect, I don't believe that's
possible, Ma'am.
Captain Rodriguez NEVER makes mistakes!" J
Subject: LBJ
It was a fact that during his presidency, LBJ would, on occasion,
personally call military offices and demand special favors. At one
such time, he is said to have called The Basic School (TBS, the USMC school
for the training of new officers) and the following ensued:
TBS: Good afternoon, this is The Basic School, how can I help you?
LBJ: This is President Johnson. We're having a state dinner here at
the White House next Saturday. I want you to send two Lieutenants to be
escorts for my daughters.
TBS: Yes Sir, Mr. President. Is that all?
LBJ: I want them in their dress uniforms, tall and good looking!
TBS: Yes sir, Mr. President. Two tall, good looking Lieutenants -
dress uniforms, next Saturday evening at the White House. Is there anything
else?
LBJ: (Remember, LBJ was an old-time Texas Democrat) Yeah, don't send
any damned Mexicans!
TBS: No Sir, Mr. President, no damned Mexicans. Will there be
anything else?
LBJ: No, that's all.
Saturday evening came and two tall, good looking Marine Lieutenants
showed up at the White House, resplendent in their dress uniforms.
They were promptly ushered in to meet Mrs. Johnson and introduced
themselves
as being there as escorts for her daughters.
She acknowledged their presence but said,
"But you're both black. There must be some mistake!"
One Lieutenant replied, "With all due respect, I don't believe that's
possible, Ma'am.
Captain Rodriguez NEVER makes mistakes!" J
T
Tigres
Guest
It was so cold in New York last winter that three lawyers were seen walking through Central Park
with their hands in their own pockets.
----
"Get the Job Done"
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a
test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch
it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Country Lane"
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to
visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car
became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by
themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some
oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and
offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted
and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth
car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the
fields incredulously and asks the farmer,"When do you have time to
plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the
water in the hole"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Pickle Slicer"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked.
"Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said.
"Yes, I did," he told her.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked.
"Oh... she got fired too."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Divorced"
A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to
himself.
"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.
He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who
it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of
story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?"
"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"
with their hands in their own pockets.
----
"Get the Job Done"
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a
test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch
it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Country Lane"
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to
visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car
became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by
themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some
oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and
offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted
and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth
car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the
fields incredulously and asks the farmer,"When do you have time to
plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the
water in the hole"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Pickle Slicer"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked.
"Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said.
"Yes, I did," he told her.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked.
"Oh... she got fired too."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Divorced"
A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to
himself.
"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.
He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who
it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of
story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?"
"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"
L
LadyBlu
Guest
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper
started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was
doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his
head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there,
are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's
what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well,
circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies
because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a
horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a
minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me
a horses a s s?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect
for law enforcement and police officers to even think about
calling you a horses a s s."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the
ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies
though."
started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was
doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his
head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there,
are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's
what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well,
circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies
because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a
horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a
minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me
a horses a s s?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect
for law enforcement and police officers to even think about
calling you a horses a s s."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the
ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies
though."
L
LadyBlu
Guest
Alcohol Warning Labels
If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and
liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could
knock a buzzard off a **** truck at 100 yards.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a s shole.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really
dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and
over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK
while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the h e l l ever happened
to your pants (panties) anyway.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see
something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the
forehead.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more
handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named Big Al.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are
not.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with
other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum,
whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and
liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could
knock a buzzard off a **** truck at 100 yards.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a s shole.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really
dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and
over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK
while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the h e l l ever happened
to your pants (panties) anyway.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see
something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the
forehead.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more
handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named Big Al.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are
not.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with
other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum,
whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
L
LadyBlu
Guest
A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture
on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How
many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further..Have any
of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes step
back,and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,no
one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make
his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium,
the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit... From way back there I
thought you said "goats."
on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How
many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further..Have any
of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes step
back,and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,no
one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make
his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium,
the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit... From way back there I
thought you said "goats."
L
LadyBlu
Guest
POSSIBLY THE BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER:
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit angry, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."!
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit angry, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."!
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