Am I doing the right thing here?

[profmum]

What is the name of your state? CO

Xfiles and i have a 50-50 schedule, we are both entitled to 30 days vacation, I took mine in Dec 2007 and went to asia with our 4 yr old, xfiles is taking his in Jan 2008, staying in town. This is the first time DD is spending this much time away from me. I explained to her that she had a lot of fun and time with me in asia and now she will have the same kind of fun and alone time with Dad in town.

When I call to talk to her, she is very upset with me, mad at me, and is angry at me for "sending her to Dad's". All I say to her is that I love her and keep the conversation positive and upbeat asking about what she did in preschool etc. In other words, I do not indulge in any explanations about why she is there at Dad's etc.

I am worried about the way she is feeling? I think the best approach is to keep the conversations light and positive. This is only day 5 and she has 25 days more to go. Am I doing the right thing here? For those of you who have had this experience, are there any long term consequences of her behavior or is it all perfectly normal?

 

[Bloopy]

When I call to talk to her, she is very upset with me, mad at me, and is angry at me for "sending her to Dad's". All I say to her is that I love her and keep the conversation positive and upbeat asking about what she did in preschool etc. In other words, I do not indulge in any explanations about why she is there at Dad's etc.

I am worried about the way she is feeling? I think the best approach is to keep the conversations light and positive. This is only day 5 and she has 25 days more to go. Am I doing the right thing here? For those of you who have had this experience, are there any long term consequences of her behavior or is it all perfectly normal?

You are handling this perfectly. It’s ONLY day 5 and she is adjusting to a new schedule. You are facilitating that from your description

Chances are, she has fun all day and only turns sour when you call. That will improve too. If these calls are in the evening, I'd suggest a morning call.

Don’t confront Dad over this. There is NO nice way to ask, “Why is DD miserable when I call?”

 

[Zephyr]

I would keep it light, y day ten she may be well settled in over there and comfortable

 

[acmb05]

You are handling this perfectly. It’s ONLY day 5 and she is adjusting to a new schedule. You are facilitating that from your description

Chances are, she has fun all day and only turns sour when you call. That will improve too. If these calls are in the evening, I'd suggest a morning call.

Don’t confront Dad over this. There is NO nice way to ask, “Why is DD miserable when I call?”

My guess, because mom took her to Asia and daddy isn't taking her anywhere.

 

[nextwife]

My kiddo would sure rather be away on vacation than at home with us on vacation.

That's a given!

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I send letters to SweetPea when she is gone for extended periods. It'll have fun things in it from the newspaper or whatever. Kids LOVE getting mail. And guess what - the only time they get mail is when they go away. Make it FUN that she is enjoying her time with dad.

Light-hearted newsy stuff ... like you loved seeing the snow coming down ... whatever ... Do tell them that you love them.

 

[LdiJ]

My guess, because mom took her to Asia and daddy isn't taking her anywhere.

This is a 5 year old...the whole "mommy took me to Asia and daddy isn't taking me anywhere" is honestly lost on them. I am a mother who regularly took her child to Italy to visit her paternal grandparents.

Now, if there were lots of cousins to play with in Asia, and she had an extra amount of kid style fun....then that could play a big role, but not the trip itself. She is just not old enough to be impressed by the trip itself.

However, what it might be is 30 days of uninterrupted bonding with mommy...now abruptly ended. It may have been a bad idea for them to take their month's vacation back to back. The child's not likely to have the same reaction after dad's vacation, because at that point they will go back to 50/50....so she won't be abruptly separated from dad after 30 days of bonding.

If I am right, then if mom takes her vacation in December, and dad takes his in June (for example) I would bet that the child would react better.

Now...once she gets to 10 or 12, that trip to Asia might have some "impress" value over spending a month at home with dad...but that's a long way off.

 

[wileybunch]

I wouldn't have set up Dad's visitation time as "fun fun fun" myself personally. I think that's setting both dad and the kids up. In addition, I think you should stop calling her every day if you think your phone calls could be triggering an issue with her. Let her know she can call if she needs to talk to you. By way of example, {background} I have a 12yo stepdaughter with a mother with boundary issues that had to be limited to one 10-minute phone call a day during a contempt hearing this summer because she was calling and texting 12yo literally all day/night. Mom rarely used the 10 min phone call in the ensuing 4 months (2 or 3X total) and then while we had 12yo on Christmas break (still have her now), Mom started calling every day and her calls end up making 12yo upset and in a foul mood. I'm not saying you are like her mother, but to show you that a daily phone call from Mom can be enough to put the child into a bad mood.

 

[Bloopy]

However, what it might be is 30 days of uninterrupted bonding with mommy...now abruptly ended. It may have been a bad idea for them to take their month's vacation back to back. The child's not likely to have the same reaction after dad's vacation, because at that point they will go back to 50/50....so she won't be abruptly separated from dad after 30 days of bonding.

Good point!