Amicable temporary custody change?

[osmosis]

What is the name of your state? FL

((read back story))

I would like to offer the X my assistance with our children. As it stands, she works from 3 pm to 1 am. She is trying to care for 3 children and an infant, while working full time night shift. She's forking out a large sum of money every week to pay for the overnight childcare, and the children only get to see her on the trip from the daycare to school in the mornings, excluding her 2 days off a week (Thursday & Friday)

I would like to offer to take temporary custody of the children so as to provide the children with a full time parent, and a stable household. She and I are allowed telephone contact as long as it pertains to the children, so I am seriously considering calling her and running this past her to see what her thoughts on it are. She's been very mature and reasonable lately, and I'm hoping that she will at least consider the offer.

The terms I'd like to present to her are as follows:

1. Temporary custody beginning as soon as possible until the end of this school year.
2. Open visitation and access to the children in her free time.
3. I request no child support, only that my financial obligation for support be suspended until such time as she is ready and able to take the children back.

Is this something that can be done without a hearing if we draw up a contract and both sign it before a notary at the courthouse?

My intent is to take the children out of the constant 'third party care' and give them the time & attention that they need. They want to be here, but I know that until their are in their teens their opinion doesn't count for much in the eyes of the court. I am going about this differently that previously done when I petitioned the court for custody. This is being done out of love for my children, and I am remaining respectful and sympathetic to her situation.

Thoughts or suggestions?

 

[Gracie3787]

What is the name of your state? FL

((read back story))

I would like to offer the X my assistance with our children. As it stands, she works from 3 pm to 1 am. She is trying to care for 3 children and an infant, while working full time night shift. She's forking out a large sum of money every week to pay for the overnight childcare, and the children only get to see her on the trip from the daycare to school in the mornings, excluding her 2 days off a week (Thursday & Friday)

I would like to offer to take temporary custody of the children so as to provide the children with a full time parent, and a stable household. She and I are allowed telephone contact as long as it pertains to the children, so I am seriously considering calling her and running this past her to see what her thoughts on it are. She's been very mature and reasonable lately, and I'm hoping that she will at least consider the offer.

The terms I'd like to present to her are as follows:

1. Temporary custody beginning as soon as possible until the end of this school year.
2. Open visitation and access to the children in her free time.
3. I request no child support, only that my financial obligation for support be suspended until such time as she is ready and able to take the children back.

Is this something that can be done without a hearing if we draw up a contract and both sign it before a notary at the courthouse?

My intent is to take the children out of the constant 'third party care' and give them the time & attention that they need. They want to be here, but I know that until their are in their teens their opinion doesn't count for much in the eyes of the court. I am going about this differently that previously done when I petitioned the court for custody. This is being done out of love for my children, and I am remaining respectful and sympathetic to her situation.

Thoughts or suggestions?

It might be able to be done without a full hearing. One of you will need to file for a modification, then the agreement can be filed as the other party's answer. Then call the Judge's scheduler to find out if that agreement can be signed by the Judge without a full hearing. Some Judges will do that, and others won't. If your area is one the requires mediation, this can also be done through mediation.

Then, later, when custody/CS reverts back to the way it was before, you can do the same thing- file, file the agreement and have judge sign and make part of the order.

Either way, there must be a modification petition filed because that's the only way to get a court order changed legally.

 

[osmosis]

That is exactly what I needed. Thank you, Gracie.

 

[LdiJ]

I agree with Gracie, but I think that you are being a bit unrealistic to think that you can get mom to agree to a temporary custody change. That might have worked before you filed for custody a few months ago and lost, but now mom is going to be suspicious of anything that would be "official". Also, once you become accustomed to having the children on a primary basis, you aren't going to want to let them go back to mom when her situation changes. That is simply reality.

I honestly have a different suggestion.

Don't ask her to change custody temporarily. Offer to be her babysitter for 1/2 or 2/3rds of what she pays her current sitter (don't ask to suspend your child support so that she actually uses your child support to pay you). This is not legal advice, its psychological advice. Its a way to accomplish what you want to accomplish, even financially, without actually mom having to agree to a court ordered change of custody, even if its labeled as "temporary".

That makes it a win-win situation. She gets cheaper childcare, the kids are with a parent, and she pays you back a decent chunk of the child support that you pay her...or maybe even more, depending on how much your child support is.

On top of that, make sure that you make it clear that she gets the children Thursday through until Saturday when she goes to work....every week...and let her have them on Sunday during the day, every other weekend. That way she has a straight 48 hours, more or less, with the kids every week, and some daytime hours on Sunday every other week. You will have to give up some weekend time to do that, but that makes it psychologically that you are sacrificing too.

Then...if mom agrees, and mom's situation remains the same for a long amount of time...you would have the opportunity to take it to court based on "status quo".

I honestly think that mom would consider that idea far more seriously than a temporary custody change.

 

[osmosis]

I agree with Gracie, but I think that you are being a bit unrealistic to think that you can get mom to agree to a temporary custody change. That might have worked before you filed for custody a few months ago and lost, but now mom is going to be suspicious of anything that would be "official". Also, once you become accustomed to having the children on a primary basis, you aren't going to want to let them go back to mom when her situation changes. That is simply reality.

I honestly have a different suggestion.

Don't ask her to change custody temporarily. Offer to be her babysitter for 1/2 or 2/3rds of what she pays her current sitter (don't ask to suspend your child support so that she actually uses your child support to pay you). This is not legal advice, its psychological advice. Its a way to accomplish what you want to accomplish, even financially, without actually mom having to agree to a court ordered change of custody, even if its labeled as "temporary".

That makes it a win-win situation. She gets cheaper childcare, the kids are with a parent, and she pays you back a decent chunk of the child support that you pay her...or maybe even more, depending on how much your child support is.

On top of that, make sure that you make it clear that she gets the children Thursday through until Saturday when she goes to work....every week...and let her have them on Sunday during the day, every other weekend. That way she has a straight 48 hours, more or less, with the kids every week, and some daytime hours on Sunday every other week. You will have to give up some weekend time to do that, but that makes it psychologically that you are sacrificing too.

Then...if mom agrees, and mom's situation remains the same for a long amount of time...you would have the opportunity to take it to court based on "status quo".

I honestly think that mom would consider that idea far more seriously than a temporary custody change.

I have to agree with you. The only part of this that is unreasonable for all parties involved would be me being the babysitter, and that is only due to the fact that I live 2 1/2 hours away from them now. At the hearing I suggested that I could/would move within 30 minutes of them if she would be willing to allow me to babysit. She turned me down flat, so I moved somewhere where I would be able to provide my family with a better quality of life. The drive isn't so bad every other weekend.

Being so far from their school would put them in a more stressful situation as we would have to be on the road for school by 6am and then I would have to drive the 2 1/2 back to get them after school.

I am not expecting a resounding 'yes' from her. If the answer is unfavorable, the court will be involved again. There has been a change in her mentality towards me lately that has caused her to be a bit more reasonable, and I feel now is the time if I am going to attempt to make some sort of arrangement with her that would not only benefit the children, but benefit her in a big way.

 

[LdiJ]

I have to agree with you. The only part of this that is unreasonable for all parties involved would be me being the babysitter, and that is only due to the fact that I live 2 1/2 hours away from them now. At the hearing I suggested that I could/would move within 30 minutes of them if she would be willing to allow me to babysit. She turned me down flat, so I moved somewhere where I would be able to provide my family with a better quality of life. The drive isn't so bad every other weekend.

Being so far from their school would put them in a more stressful situation as we would have to be on the road for school by 6am and then I would have to drive the 2 1/2 back to get them after school.

I am not expecting a resounding 'yes' from her. If the answer is unfavorable, the court will be involved again. There has been a change in her mentality towards me lately that has caused her to be a bit more reasonable, and I feel now is the time if I am going to attempt to make some sort of arrangement with her that would not only benefit the children, but benefit her in a big way.

Ouch...that move away does change things entirely. It also makes your chances of winning primary custody in court, much slimmer. You really should have followed through with moving within 30 minutes of mom. I think that you made a bad strategic decision.

 

[Ohiogal]

The problem with him wanting to be paid to BABYSIT his CHILD is ridiculous. And a court would nail him for it. He is a parent and SHOULD parent his child not babysit for money.

 

[LdiJ]

The problem with him wanting to be paid to BABYSIT his CHILD is ridiculous. And a court would nail him for it. He is a parent and SHOULD parent his child not babysit for money.

OG, I didn't suggest that he present that to the court. I suggested that he get mom to agree to that as a way to psychologically get her to allow the kids to be with him at night, instead of with a babysitter. He wanted her to allow the child to be with him at night, and stop his child support to her. My suggestion basically accomplished the same thing, without mom having to actually give up custody, albeit temporarily. I made that suggestion because I don't think that he has any hope of getting mom to agree to a custody change, even a temporary one.

However, now that he has stated that he moved 2 1/2 hours away, that's not a viable idea, and it also lessens his chances for primary custody.

 

[Ohiogal]

OG, I didn't suggest that he present that to the court. I suggested that he get mom to agree to that as a way to psychologically get her to allow the kids to be with him at night, instead of with a babysitter. He wanted her to allow the child to be with him at night, and stop his child support to her. My suggestion basically accomplished the same thing, without mom having to actually give up custody, albeit temporarily. I made that suggestion because I don't think that he has any hope of getting mom to agree to a custody change, even a temporary one.

However, now that he has stated that he moved 2 1/2 hours away, that's not a viable idea, and it also lessens his chances for primary custody.

I understand where you are coming from HOWEVER that is not going to help matters because mom will march in and state that dad has been charging her to watch HIS children. The better idea is he would watch the children for free and after a few months move to have the child support terminated/lowered due to the status quo amount of time the children are with him. The fact that he is 2-1/2 hours away however does not help him however.

 

[osmosis]

The decision to move to this new location was done based on the ability to have a better quality of life for myself, my wife, our 2 children and my 3 children with the ex. True, I am farther away now but it's actually a shorter trip to see them than it was prior to the move. I was able to get her to meet me halfway for exchanges (since the court order says that if the CP moves out of the county it is her responsibility to transport half-way) and she moved during our custody battle to a new county.

I was able to speak directly to the children's weekend caretaker when I dropped them off to her on Sunday. She is in full agreement with my position but has allowed me to know that she is smack in the middle of all of this (which is wonderful. She takes very good care of my children) She said that child protective services have been to the children's home on more than one occasion (due to the living conditions and an abuse allegation from last year) and apparently CPS agrees that the living situation is suitable for the time being.

Having said all of this, once again, I'm just going to leave well enough alone. I don't want to cause undue stress to these children when they already have the world on their shoulders. At least I was able to make contact with the person who raises them.

It hurts.. but the sun will shine again tomorrow. Thanks for the great advice, ladies.