As if there was not enough drama on T.V

[Dadx2kids4n8]

What is the name of your state? The name of my state is California

Or to be exact, the state of confusion! I am again being plastered with yet another new twist in this saga of stupidity and selfish intent that I am now beside myself with embarrassment. My soon to be exwife, whom is now acknowledging my impending filing of divorce and retaining custody of my kids including my step-son who was not mentioned on my last post, has yet another complexity to add to this dilemma. So, knowing that I stand on firm footing and she has given me no choice(she's not supposed to be here-we were sparated-she got kicked out and I let her stay temp with a date to leave & has repeated it twice-we don't have prioties alike) because of the constant unhappiness she is spreading under this roof by making false comments and out right lies that could be taken as well worded exaggerations that seem too unlikely knowing the history of us both as parents to these 3 boys ages 15-8-4 is now telling me that I have no legal recourse to retain my step-son. Even when I report that it's in all their best interest to stay in this home with me and continue their education/life without fear of be pulled up and made to start over as in the past that has now gotten them known for this in school system and their education is showing it now and I am in constant contact with my 8 year olds teacher and principal on the matter to offset retaining him in the 3rd grade and my 15 year olds report cards his freshman year have given him the same forecast-she plans to leave me and take only him-possibly because of the child support stopped in light of my need since her untimely departure from our home, for help on childcare and living assistance through the state since my unemployment ins. ran out. And as I had forewarned long ago that she should find work and not count on that to sustain her livelyhood, it's now become fact in my asking for state assistance and my boys residing with me-they have taken away the support and sent it to the Social Services depart. And this is my fault-so now she had plans to uproot him inspite of the fact that he and I have talked regarding issues of concern that if I have done anything he could deem harmful to his well being from his 2nd b-day to his 15th b-day, and my son indicating without hesitation mind you, that nothing was done to him. She is the one who has an ax to grind and intends on using my son in this manner against me to emotionally cripple me-not withstanding the fact that his brothers love, need, and will not adjust to life without him-knowing this-she rests her virtuous reasonings as being a mother entitles her to do this to us all. I ask you will/does the court concur with her on the state of all rights belong to only her as I am only a STEP-father? Please enlighten me on this because this in my open and experiencing eyes its the most wrong that can happen by virtue of the title as his mother to not let a step-father have say in the best interest of his son. Whom he loved with just as much heart and soul before his brothers birth but neverloving anyone less than because they are my SONS. I know it's a long statement-but this people is one f-uped thing to throw out now and has me downed beyond anything I've felt-EVER! ASAP wud be the word & appreciated by anyone with legal knowledge please. Thanks

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state? The name of my state is California

Or to be exact, the state of confusion! I am again being plastered with yet another new twist in this saga of stupidity and selfish intent that I am now beside myself with embarrassment. My soon to be exwife, whom is now acknowledging my impending filing of divorce and retaining custody of my kids including my step-son who was not mentioned on my last post, has yet another complexity to add to this dilemma. So, knowing that I stand on firm footing and she has given me no choice(she's not supposed to be here-we were sparated-she got kicked out and I let her stay temp with a date to leave & has repeated it twice-we don't have prioties alike) because of the constant unhappiness she is spreading under this roof by making false comments and out right lies that could be taken as well worded exaggerations that seem too unlikely knowing the history of us both as parents to these 3 boys ages 15-8-4 is now telling me that I have no legal recourse to retain my step-son. Even when I report that it's in all their best interest to stay in this home with me and continue their education/life without fear of be pulled up and made to start over as in the past that has now gotten them known for this in school system and their education is showing it now and I am in constant contact with my 8 year olds teacher and principal on the matter to offset retaining him in the 3rd grade and my 15 year olds report cards his freshman year have given him the same forecast-she plans to leave me and take only him-possibly because of the child support stopped in light of my need since her untimely departure from our home, for help on childcare and living assistance through the state since my unemployment ins. ran out. And as I had forewarned long ago that she should find work and not count on that to sustain her livelyhood, it's now become fact in my asking for state assistance and my boys residing with me-they have taken away the support and sent it to the Social Services depart. And this is my fault-so now she had plans to uproot him inspite of the fact that he and I have talked regarding issues of concern that if I have done anything he could deem harmful to his well being from his 2nd b-day to his 15th b-day, and my son indicating without hesitation mind you, that nothing was done to him. She is the one who has an ax to grind and intends on using my son in this manner against me to emotionally cripple me-not withstanding the fact that his brothers love, need, and will not adjust to life without him-knowing this-she rests her virtuous reasonings as being a mother entitles her to do this to us all. I ask you will/does the court concur with her on the state of all rights belong to only her as I am only a STEP-father? Please enlighten me on this because this in my open and experiencing eyes its the most wrong that can happen by virtue of the title as his mother to not let a step-father have say in the best interest of his son. Whom he loved with just as much heart and soul before his brothers birth but neverloving anyone less than because they are my SONS. I know it's a long statement-but this people is one f-uped thing to throw out now and has me downed beyond anything I've felt-EVER! ASAP wud be the word & appreciated by anyone with legal knowledge please. Thanks

Break it down into paragraphs (you'll get more responses )

Where is stepson's bio Dad? Have you retained an attorney? Have you read CA statute on "De Facto" parent? Please do so....it's all online

Depending on who/where bio Dad is in all of this~ depends on what I'd advise next.

 

[Dadx2kids4n8]

No-this guy left my wife 4 months pregnant. Decided he didn't want to be a dad anymore. He does not acknowledge my son at all and can't stand to talk about him much less have anyone mention his name! Has never seen my son-he doesn't know anything about him. We we're married after my second sons 4th birthday and had our third son afterwards. I'm here for the duration of their lives.

 

[casa]

No-this guy left my wife 4 months pregnant. Decided he didn't want to be a dad anymore. He does not acknowledge my son at all and can't stand to talk about him much less have anyone mention his name! Has never seen my son-he doesn't know anything about him. We we're married after my second sons 4th birthday and had our third son afterwards. I'm here for the duration of their lives.

Did anyone sign the AOP? Who is listed on the stepson's birth certificate?

Be more specific about bio Dad's involvement- ie; how many months/years? support/no support?

 

[Dadx2kids4n8]

My sons biological father has seen his son once. When he was 3 months old and left to another state. And since then he has had to pay back the state and has never talked about him to anyone and never allowed anyone to talk about him. I met my wife and him when he was 2, and have been here for them ever since. Years later when my son was around 7 years old, bio dad ended up marrying some girl, had a child, they ended in divorce because of the payments he had to make and because of that subject that he didn't want to discuss. He ended up after that moving again to the northeast states and has not spoken to anyone since. Just sends the state the money owed. Bio dad's mother-my son's grandmother and my wife became embittered after my sons birth about my son and they had a falling out till my son was 7 years old. She ended up divorcing and when my son was about 11 or 12 didn't come around till then and asked to see him. Well, she's kind of there now when she can be but not on a continual basis. My son wanted to know about his dad at this time, but was disappointed when his grandmother talked to his dad and he refused and it was never to be spoken of again according to her. And my son is now 15 and his mom has no sense of responsibility so I can't trust her to do what is best and now we are no good together. I've dealt with it-accepted it. But it's hard on my sons. Especially him now that he's a teenager and knows everything! Ya know? And I'm trying to cope with him and all this now. That's about it.

 

[stealth2]

Dude - your posts are nearly incomprehensible. But... he is NOT your son legally, so she is under no obligation to leave him with you. Period.

 

[tamster2667]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. When I have a chunk of time I'll see if I can find anything online to help you.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state? The name of my state is California

Or to be exact, the state of confusion! I am again being plastered with yet another new twist in this saga of stupidity and selfish intent that I am now beside myself with embarrassment. My soon to be exwife, whom is now acknowledging my impending filing of divorce and retaining custody of my kids including my step-son who was not mentioned on my last post, has yet another complexity to add to this dilemma.

It would help if you did nto add to the confusion or complexity.

So, knowing that I stand on firm footing and she has given me no choice(she's not supposed to be here-we were sparated-she got kicked out and I let her stay temp with a date to leave & has repeated it twice-we don't have prioties alike)

You allowing her back in may have made the separation null and void. As you were told as your wife and this being the marital residence she has a right to be there until the COURT orders her to leave. You don't have a court ordering her to leave at this juncture. And since you allowed her back in after the separation you most likely need ANOTHER court order -- if there was one accompanying the separation -- to force her out of the marital home.

because of the constant unhappiness she is spreading under this roof by making false comments and out right lies that could be taken as well worded exaggerations that seem too unlikely knowing the history of us both as parents to these 3 boys ages 15-8-4 is now telling me that I have no legal recourse to retain my step-son.

While you may be the de-facto parent that will take a court to determine. Truthfully as a stepfather you are a LEGAL STRANGER and no one to this child.

Even when I report that it's in all their best interest to stay in this home with me

That is your opinion. The one who will determine best interest is the COURT!

and continue their education/life without fear of be pulled up and made to start over as in the past that has now gotten them known for this in school system and their education is showing it now and I am in constant contact with my 8 year olds teacher and principal on the matter to offset retaining him in the 3rd grade and my 15 year olds report cards his freshman year have given him the same forecast-

Periods would help. Run on sentences are not a good thing and make it difficult to understand you and hence difficult to give you good advice. First of all it is NOT your 15 year old. If both the children are failing, what have YOU done to prevent that? Have you been in constant contact all year long with the children's teachers? Have you been helping them with their homework? Have you put them in counseling to deal with the upheaval you and your wife have placed on them?

she plans to leave me and take only him

She can do that. It is HER child and not your child.


-

possibly because of the child support stopped in light of my need since her untimely departure from our home, for help on childcare and living assistance through the state since my unemployment ins. ran out.

Why haven't you found ANY employement in the time you were on Unemployment? Why do you need childcare if you are not working? And you are assuming far too much. Prove it is because of child support. Why were you getting child support if she was living with you? Or vice versa. If child support was court ordered then you cannot just stop it -- either one of you.

And as I had forewarned long ago that she should find work and not count on that to sustain her livelyhood, it's now become fact in my asking for state assistance and my boys residing with me-they have taken away the support and sent it to the Social Services depart.

Who is they? YOu need to find work as well. Both parents should be working to support their children -- not just one.

And this is my fault-so now she had plans to uproot him inspite of the fact that he and I have talked regarding issues of concern that if I have done anything he could deem harmful to his well being from his 2nd b-day to his 15th b-day, and my son indicating without hesitation mind you, that nothing was done to him.

YOU HAVE INVOLVED A CHILD IN THIS ADULT MESS? Who the hell is complicating things now? You do not speak to a child regarding what he wants or issues of concern for crying out loud. You do not do that. That is irresponsible. Children should not be involved in divorce nor do they get to decide where they want to live.

She is the one who has an ax to grind and intends on using my son in this manner against me to emotionally cripple me-not withstanding the fact that his brothers love, need, and will not adjust to life without him-knowing this-she rests her virtuous reasonings as being a mother entitles her to do this to us all.

And you are using your other children against her. Good job. Neither one of you are acting maturely in this situation. You seem to believe that being a father entitles you to the same. And the 15 year old is NOT LEGALLY YOUR SON!

I ask you will/does the court concur with her on the state of all rights belong to only her as I am only a STEP-father?

Legally yes. You are nothing to this child. She is the child's parent.

Please enlighten me on this because this in my open and experiencing eyes its the most wrong that can happen by virtue of the title as his mother to not let a step-father have say in the best interest of his son.

Once more -- he is NOT your son. HE is your STEP-SON!

Whom he loved with just as much heart and soul before his brothers birth but neverloving anyone less than because they are my SONS. I know it's a long statement-but this people is one f-uped thing to throw out now and has me downed beyond anything I've felt-EVER! ASAP wud be the word & appreciated by anyone with legal knowledge please. Thanks

You and your wife BOTH need to grow up and knock off the immature behavior that will harm all the children involved. NEITHER ONE OF YOU is above reproach or perfect for crying out loud. Start by realizing that these kids (with the exception of your step son) have two parents in this marriage. Start by realizing that their needs have to come first and you cannot use them against mom and she cannot use them against you without harming them. When you have realized they have a right to love both of you then come back.

 

[Dadx2kids4n8]

Listen you are correct I am emotional but please, just understand. I am not adding to the confusion or complexity but was put on point to help cope with it which I did. I was pleased with my sons to "allow" this and am now sorry I did. I said it was not a good thing to commence. But fearing the resentment, I gave in. I fear the court asking her to leave because of the aforementioned but realize it must be done in order to help. I am not a legal stranger and have provided all for my sons needs. I know my boys future depend on the courts decisions that's what I'm trying to find what will be of positive results here. It's different for H.S. They don't have parent teacher conference and your child must be put on point to mature into a responsible level. They only notify when grade time comes, and then it the danger of letter. Yes, I encouraged his schooling by asking where he was, how thing's we're developing, and saw books cracked every so often. The time he started to slide was when he left to stay with her for a short time. When thing's brought them here, it was all a mess and I did try and tell him the importance of not failing and his future outlook being tarnished but, there was a set fame of mind. Yes, because the negativity she bestowed on him unbeknownst to me. Yes, I see she can-but I am trying to point out that it's because:
1-D.A. took his support checks she spent because I asked for assistance.
2-She blamed that on me and it was not possible to live otherwise with all my sons here.
3-Since then it's gotten worse and this latest threat is to hurt myself because she feels I hurt her with the checks stopping.
4-Yes, I always kept asking her to work, both parents to create a stronger financial outlook. She did nothing to assist and used the support for her own spending which I never counted on.
5-I did not involve my sons, she did by trying to make them upset with me indicating a general"it's all dads fault" because of the state she put herself in by not becoming responsible from the start.
6-No mam I am not using my kids-it was done to me and I was left with blame and did what I could to offset it but it is difficult when everytime I'm not around, something new is brought out and I'm left with defending myself from exaggerated accounts and outright lies. it's not fair but you tell me-don't these actions of divorce bring out the worst in some that feel the balance being tipped against them? I live in a place belonging to another (mom), set to take care of the expenses, she got asked to leave and literally is homeless, got her funds diverted, has to realize what may conclude and doesn't want to be separated from her children. Now I have tried to offer many possibilities-the most important is not setting a rigid schedule of visitation rules, allowing her visits to continue here with respect to allow me some time also. I even left to give them privacy or locked myself in my room and not interfere with whatever was going on. I've also not filed continually throughout this and a time before when she did another mistake and take them with her mother help out of state without my consent. Imagine my feeling of stupidity when all I think was being to keep some possible control and not start the cycle of hate because of her actions. And again, now I'm here. This woman uses my sons, it’s apparent. But what can I do to help steer this from the pit it's headed for taking my son with it only because of an attitude to get even and hurt me? What can I do in a positive way without bringing a sense of degrading her as the mother of my kids that made mistakes that now I will use against her? Is there anything I can do besides this? I’ve heard the judge frowns upon it-yet was told to gather all I could in favor of making the outlook more stable! I'm researching this. Anyone that has a notion please let me know. I'm a father and don't want to stoop to that level if there’s any other way.

 

[Just Blue]

If you could please use some white space when you post ,it would make it MUCH easier to read...

 

[ezmarelda]

As things stand right now you are a Legal Stranger, however it sounds like that could EASILY be changed.
Please read http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/cgi-bin/calawquery?codesection=fam&codebody=&hits=All (start around Div.8)

In California Step-Parents with long and meaningful relationships with their step-child/ren do have rights when it comes to custody and visatation...especialy if Mom is suggesting splitting up the siblings.

Good-Luck

 

[CJane]

Listen you are correct I am emotional but please, just understand. I am not adding to the confusion or complexity but was put on point to help cope with it which I did. I was pleased with my sons to "allow" this and am now sorry I did.

If by 'allow this' you mean you LET her move back in... unless you had a court order that REMOVED HER FROM THE HOME, you didn't ALLOW anything. You couldn't have kept her out with a tank in the front yard.

I am not a legal stranger and have provided all for my sons needs.

YES, you are. At least to the step-son and possibly to the son born prior to the marriage. And NO you haven't. Unemployment is what... $1000/month? That's not enough to live on in the land of low cost living - certainly not in CA. And now you're on state assistance... so I am providing for all of your son's needs.

It's different for H.S. They don't have parent teacher conference and your child must be put on point to mature into a responsible level. They only notify when grade time comes, and then it the danger of letter.

This is utter BS. I have several friends that are High School teachers, and friends with kids in high school... they ALL have P/T Conferences every quarter. And no, the kids are not left to 'mature to a reasonable level' whatever the hell that means.

Yes, I encouraged his schooling by asking where he was, how thing's we're developing, and saw books cracked every so often.

Every so often? Did you ATTEND high school? Cracking books every so often isn't going to cut it unless the boy is a genius or taking auto shop six hours/day.

The time he started to slide was when he left to stay with her for a short time.

And who was he living with when the 'starting to slide' turned into failing? I mean, you were HOME WITH HIM all the time if you weren't working, right? Why weren't you sitting down with all 3 boys EVERY NIGHT working on homework or study skills or flashcards or reading? YOU HAVE A PART IN THIS.

Yes, because the negativity she bestowed on him unbeknownst to me.

Dude, you have 0 grammatical skills, a complete inability to compose a coherent sentence, no concept of paragraphs, and apparently function in a stream of conciousness manner - and we're supposed to believe the children's educational/intellectual failures are ALL HER FAULT?

Not happening.

2-She blamed that on me and it was not possible to live otherwise with all my sons here.

Sure it was. GET A JOB.

3-Since then it's gotten worse and this latest threat is to hurt myself because she feels I hurt her with the checks stopping.

This makes no sense.

I have a question for you - since she moved back in... does family services know there's another adult in the home? Have you informed your caseworker that mom is home?

4-Yes, I always kept asking her to work, both parents to create a stronger financial outlook.

Heh. Both parents? YOU AREN'T WORKING!

5-I did not involve my sons, she did by trying to make them upset with me indicating a general"it's all dads fault" because of the state she put herself in by not becoming responsible from the start.

You have been with this woman for 13 YEARS. You should have known by .... let's say year 10... that she wasn't responsible. But again... YOU ARE NOT WORKING. YOU ARE ON WELFARE. YOU DON'T GET TO PREACH ABOUT MOM'S LACK OF SUPPORT/RESPONSIBILITY.

And YES YOU DID involve the children when you ASKED YOUR STEP-SON about his feelings re: where he wants to live and whether 'things happened to him'.

6-No mam I am not using my kids-it was done to me and I was left with blame and did what I could to offset it but it is difficult when everytime I'm not around, something new is brought out and I'm left with defending myself from exaggerated accounts and outright lies. it's not fair but you tell me-don't these actions of divorce bring out the worst in some that feel the balance being tipped against them?

I won't share here the hell that was my divorce or continued relationship with my ex-husband, but I have NEVER ONCE involved the children, nor have I ever allowed them to believe that they have ANY SAY in their future between now and when they turn 18.

I live in a place belonging to another (mom), set to take care of the expenses, she got asked to leave and literally is homeless, got her funds diverted, has to realize what may conclude and doesn't want to be separated from her children.

She OWNS the place and you're trying to boot her out? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now I have tried to offer many possibilities-the most important is not setting a rigid schedule of visitation rules, allowing her visits to continue here with respect to allow me some time also.

You have said NOTHING to indicate that mom shouldn't have her OWN TIME with the kids. You've certainly never said anything to indicate that she needs her visits SUPERVISED or DICTATED by YOU.

I've also not filed continually throughout this and a time before when she did another mistake and take them with her mother help out of state without my consent.

You're MARRIED. She doesn't need your consent for ANYTHING. She could take ALL THREE KIDS AND DISAPPEAR AND THERE'D BE NEXT TO NOTHING YOU COULD DO.


Seriously? One of you needs to file for divorce.
You BOTH need to get jobs. I don't care if it's at McDonald's - GET A JOB NOW.
You BOTH need to get off welfare.
You need to determine where each of you will live - if it's together pending the finalization of the divorce, then make it work.
Get the kids in counseling NOW.
Get your A$$ to the school and have a meeting with the teachers and administrators. There's likely nothing you can do at this point to ensure that either child is promoted to the next grade, but you need to come up with a plan of action for summer so that they're 'on point' for next school year.

Stop failing as a parent - because right now, you BOTH are. And frankly, I barely make enough to support my kids. I don't need to support yours too.

 

[casa]

Listen you are correct I am emotional but please, just understand. I am not adding to the confusion or complexity but was put on point to help cope with it which I did. I was pleased with my sons to "allow" this and am now sorry I did. I said it was not a good thing to commence. But fearing the resentment, I gave in. I fear the court asking her to leave because of the aforementioned but realize it must be done in order to help. I am not a legal stranger and have provided all for my sons needs. I know my boys future depend on the courts decisions that's what I'm trying to find what will be of positive results here. It's different for H.S. They don't have parent teacher conference and your child must be put on point to mature into a responsible level. They only notify when grade time comes, and then it the danger of letter. Yes, I encouraged his schooling by asking where he was, how thing's we're developing, and saw books cracked every so often. The time he started to slide was when he left to stay with her for a short time. When thing's brought them here, it was all a mess and I did try and tell him the importance of not failing and his future outlook being tarnished but, there was a set fame of mind. Yes, because the negativity she bestowed on him unbeknownst to me. Yes, I see she can-but I am trying to point out that it's because:
1-D.A. took his support checks she spent because I asked for assistance.
2-She blamed that on me and it was not possible to live otherwise with all my sons here.
3-Since then it's gotten worse and this latest threat is to hurt myself because she feels I hurt her with the checks stopping.
4-Yes, I always kept asking her to work, both parents to create a stronger financial outlook. She did nothing to assist and used the support for her own spending which I never counted on.
5-I did not involve my sons, she did by trying to make them upset with me indicating a general"it's all dads fault" because of the state she put herself in by not becoming responsible from the start.
6-No mam I am not using my kids-it was done to me and I was left with blame and did what I could to offset it but it is difficult when everytime I'm not around, something new is brought out and I'm left with defending myself from exaggerated accounts and outright lies. it's not fair but you tell me-don't these actions of divorce bring out the worst in some that feel the balance being tipped against them? I live in a place belonging to another (mom), set to take care of the expenses, she got asked to leave and literally is homeless, got her funds diverted, has to realize what may conclude and doesn't want to be separated from her children. Now I have tried to offer many possibilities-the most important is not setting a rigid schedule of visitation rules, allowing her visits to continue here with respect to allow me some time also. I even left to give them privacy or locked myself in my room and not interfere with whatever was going on. I've also not filed continually throughout this and a time before when she did another mistake and take them with her mother help out of state without my consent. Imagine my feeling of stupidity when all I think was being to keep some possible control and not start the cycle of hate because of her actions. And again, now I'm here. This woman uses my sons, it’s apparent. But what can I do to help steer this from the pit it's headed for taking my son with it only because of an attitude to get even and hurt me? What can I do in a positive way without bringing a sense of degrading her as the mother of my kids that made mistakes that now I will use against her? Is there anything I can do besides this? I’ve heard the judge frowns upon it-yet was told to gather all I could in favor of making the outlook more stable! I'm researching this. Anyone that has a notion please let me know. I'm a father and don't want to stoop to that level if there’s any other way.

Of course the simplest way would have been for you to file to adopt him while you were still 'happily' married. However, you have an Excellent case for "de facto parent" of this child. You need to get an attorney and file for Custody/Visitation, etc. as the child's de facto parent. Get it all done legally, finally. Get an attorney consult, this is too difficult to do on your own with your limited knowledge of the Family Law system.

 

[Dadx2kids4n8]

I realize this is complicated-but I am filing for custody and divorce first off-and second she has just complicated issue's by taking my son's without any papers-this being the case-since I have a legal right and they've been residing with me-they will establish I am doing the right thing as their parent and she is constantly endangering their lives and education. Will this be in my favor?

 

[casa]

I realize this is complicated-but I am filing for custody and divorce first off-and second she has just complicated issue's by taking my son's without any papers-this being the case-since I have a legal right and they've been residing with me-they will establish I am doing the right thing as their parent and she is constantly endangering their lives and education. Will this be in my favor?

No & Yes.

NO, she did nothing 'legally' wrong re; your bio children together, since as long as you are married you both have EQUAL Rights to the children. You OR She can take the children at any time pending a Court's intervention & assignment of Jurisdiction/Control of the case. Her bio son who is not your bio son...you are still a 'legal' stranger to, until you file for de facto parent. DO THAT ASAP!!

YES, it looks in your favor that you are trying to provide stability & Mom is bouncing them all over.

Go to court & FILE. NOW.