Confused about custody..

[andrea450]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

Dec 27th I left my sons father with my son and dog in tow. On the 29th of Dec I filed for a restraining order in San Diego county which gives me full custody until our court date on Jan 19th. He was served with the restraining order on Thurday of this week.

On the 30th I found out that my sons father had filed for full custody in Riverside County, and had an emergency hearing. He stated that I leave my son unattended while I drink with my friends, that I have my child with a known child molester who is into child pornography and that he is the primary caregiver for our son because I have no parenting skills. Oh he also said that I shake my son up and down when I get mad. None of these statements are even close to true, I am the primary caregiver because my sons father refuses to even change a diaper. I use the Time Out method of discipline. Everyone that knows us knows this to be true and have all said they would vouch for my character. Anyhow, I had no idea of this emergency hearing that went on. Guess he was granted 50% custody and that he has to be provided the address of where his son is staying. After he had his hearing, he took some court papers to my Mothers house (I am not staying there) he left the papers on her doorstep, then called her house and left a voicemail that said 'You've been served'. Guess we have mediation on the 14th and court on the 19th for his the case he filed, and we also have court on the 19th for my restraining order in a different county.

Some of the questions I have are..

1. I have pictures of bruises and marks he has left when he has hit me before. They are in digital format. Should I print these and take them to the mediation appointment? Or only to court?

2. Neighbors and friends have agreed to write statements either about a. catching him being violent with me b. verbally abusive c. or just about what type of a parent I am. Do these have to be notarized? Do they need to be written in a special format? Will these help me with getting custody?

3. According to my orders, I am not to take my son out of San Diego County. Is there any way I can get permission to take him out to Riverside County so he can stay with my mom while I deal with court?

4. Can I do this without a lawyer? I am trying to gather up as much information as I can. Pictures, letters. I signed my son up for medical insurance because since I left because his father would never agree to pay for it, and would not allow me to sign him up for Medi-Cal. My son has not had any vaccines since he was 6 months old. I have already found a job, but can't start until after my court date because it would require that I take my son out of San Diego county for child care.

5. Do I need to write some sort of a letter to the court explaining all this?

6. What can I do about the opposing orders? I can't make it to both courts on the 19th because they are only an hour apart. I was told to mail my orders from SD county to the Judge who dealt with the custody order in Riverside county so he can at least know that there are opposing orders with court dates on the same day.

I appreciate any help anyone can give me. I am really stressed out about all this. I guess I should have mentioned that my sons father is dealing with a criminal case right now and has sentencing in 3 weeks. He was supposed to be sentenced on Friday of this week, but they continued it for another 3 weeks. He is supposed to get a year in jail, but everyone is pretty sure he will get off with no time at all. I am kind of wondering if he got his sentencing delayed since he is trying to 'fight for the welfare of his child'

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

Dec 27th I left my sons father with my son and dog in tow. On the 29th of Dec I filed for a restraining order in San Diego county which gives me full custody until our court date on Jan 19th. He was served with the restraining order on Thurday of this week.

On the 30th I found out that my sons father had filed for full custody in Riverside County, and had an emergency hearing. He stated that I leave my son unattended while I drink with my friends, that I have my child with a known child molester who is into child pornography and that he is the primary caregiver for our son because I have no parenting skills. Oh he also said that I shake my son up and down when I get mad. None of these statements are even close to true, I am the primary caregiver because my sons father refuses to even change a diaper. I use the Time Out method of discipline. Everyone that knows us knows this to be true and have all said they would vouch for my character. Anyhow, I had no idea of this emergency hearing that went on. Guess he was granted 50% custody and that he has to be provided the address of where his son is staying. After he had his hearing, he took some court papers to my Mothers house (I am not staying there) he left the papers on her doorstep, then called her house and left a voicemail that said 'You've been served'. Guess we have mediation on the 14th and court on the 19th for his the case he filed, and we also have court on the 19th for my restraining order in a different county.

Some of the questions I have are..

1. I have pictures of bruises and marks he has left when he has hit me before. They are in digital format. Should I print these and take them to the mediation appointment? Or only to court?

The photographs don't prove anything other than you have bruises - not how they got there, you know?

Did you ever report the DV?

2. Neighbors and friends have agreed to write statements either about a. catching him being violent with me b. verbally abusive c. or just about what type of a parent I am. Do these have to be notarized? Do they need to be written in a special format? Will these help me with getting custody?

Your friends and neighbors aren't going to be objective witnesses at all. But more importantly you need to have them with you, as witnesses, in person if you're to have their testimony considered at all.

3. According to my orders, I am not to take my son out of San Diego County. Is there any way I can get permission to take him out to Riverside County so he can stay with my mom while I deal with court?

By the time you request permission from the court, your court hearing may well be over and done with anyway.

4. Can I do this without a lawyer? I am trying to gather up as much information as I can. Pictures, letters. I signed my son up for medical insurance because since I left because his father would never agree to pay for it, and would not allow me to sign him up for Medi-Cal. My son has not had any vaccines since he was 6 months old. I have already found a job, but can't start until after my court date because it would require that I take my son out of San Diego county for child care.

OK. If you want to prove domestic violence, pictures and letters are not going to do it. You'll need police report, medical records etc. Your friends/family statements are unlikely to be admissible at all because the statements themselves cannot be cross-examined. You can have witnesses, but they'll have to be in person and even then their credibility may come into question.

(Look at it this way - I could write a letter on your ex's behalf and have it notarized and back up every claim that your ex has made. What makes me more, or less, credible than your friend claiming the opposite?)

5. Do I need to write some sort of a letter to the court explaining all this?

You need to answer any and all summons/motions served to you. A judge won't read any letter you send.

6. What can I do about the opposing orders? I can't make it to both courts on the 19th because they are only an hour apart. I was told to mail my orders from SD county to the Judge who dealt with the custody order in Riverside county so he can at least know that there are opposing orders with court dates on the same day.

So did you mail a copy?

I appreciate any help anyone can give me. I am really stressed out about all this. I guess I should have mentioned that my sons father is dealing with a criminal case right now and has sentencing in 3 weeks. He was supposed to be sentenced on Friday of this week, but they continued it for another 3 weeks. He is supposed to get a year in jail, but everyone is pretty sure he will get off with no time at all. I am kind of wondering if he got his sentencing delayed since he is trying to 'fight for the welfare of his child'

OK what kind of criminal case?

 

[Zigner]

What county did you live in prior to moving?

 

[andrea450]

The photographs don't prove anything other than you have bruises - not how they got there, you know?

True.
One time our neighbors heard me screaming so they ran to our door and caught him having me pinned down on the ground with my clothes off. They took me and my son to their house and threatened to call the police on him, but I told them not to. He made it very clear to me that if I ever called the police on him while he had his criminal case going that I'd have to pay for making it worse for him. Another time a neighbor called the police for a 'noise disturbance' and came to our door and found the same thing. The police came out but I didn't press charges for the same reason. Pictures were taken both times.

Did you ever report the DV?

No, not to the officials. Everyone we knew had an idea it was going on or had seen it in person.

You need to answer any and all summons/motions served to you. A judge won't read any letter you send.

I have not been properly served as of yet. Does him dropping the paperwork off at my mothers doorstep count as serving me? I am not even in the same county as she is. I thought you can not personally serve papers, it has to be done by someone not included in the case.

So did you mail a copy?

Not yet, this was just suggested to me. I will do it on Monday.

OK what kind of criminal case?

Possession of Marijuana for sale
Cultivation
Armed with Firearm
Willful Harm Injure Child Endanger personal health
Convicted Felon or Narcotic Addict Poss Firearm
Prior Strike

Case has been going on for 5 years now. He is at the end of it, and took a plea bargain which dropped his charges to 'Prohibited to own possess sell ammunition'

Like I said he was supposed to be sentenced last Friday, but it was postponed. I am thinking he is using the fact that he is trying to get custody to get it postponed. Here is a quote from him from Skype " i am glad to be away from you i cant wait for the hearing 1/14/10 2010 is not that far away i would have got 100percent custedy but the judge said iwas being sentanced on 1/5/10 for marijuana trafficing charge but that will have been taken care of by then and no judge is going to put a father away when he is fighting for his sons well being "

Thank you for your time.

 

[andrea450]

What county did you live in prior to moving?

I lived in Riverside County. Then I lived in Mexico for 4 months. Now I'm in San Diego county because this is where I have a place for my son and I to stay

 

[Zigner]

I lived in Riverside County. Then I lived in Mexico for 4 months. Now I'm in San Diego county because this is where I have a place for my son and I to stay

Then Riverside County is the proper venue.

 

[ecmst12]

You won't be able to bring up the domestic violence in court because you never reported it, therefore you can't prove it.

 

[andrea450]

What about the facts that he doesn't have a home to take our son, since he is staying in Mexico. The addresses he gave on the court paperwork are all false.

He was prescribed medication by a psychologist for severe depression and anxiety which he refuses to take

He goes into fits of rage around my son constantly

His ex filed a restraining order against him for DV in the year 2000

He has taken our son and drove around with him without a car seat when he was taking him away from me. This was witnessed by people that would be willing to testify

 

[ecmst12]

General rule - you can only bring up things that you can prove with objective evidence and which are relevent to the current issue.

 

[penelope10]

Have you allowed your child to be around a person that your spouse can prove is a known child molester?

 

[Proserpina]

What about the facts that he doesn't have a home to take our son, since he is staying in Mexico. The addresses he gave on the court paperwork are all false.

HOLD IT.

Can you PROVE that he is living in Mexico? This would be a HUGE factor.

He was prescribed medication by a psychologist for severe depression and anxiety which he refuses to take

Prove it, and furthermore, prove that this endangers your child.

He goes into fits of rage around my son constantly

Don't exaggerate - please. It won't help your credibility. Was he ever ordered to take anger management classes? What do these fits of rage entail?

His ex filed a restraining order against him for DV in the year 2000

Not going to matter - you apparently thought it was ok to be with him and have a child with him. You basically "accepted" him as he was.

He has taken our son and drove around with him without a car seat when he was taking him away from me. This was witnessed by people that would be willing to testify

Once? Twice?

 

[andrea450]

Have you allowed your child to be around a person that your spouse can prove is a known child molester?

Not at all. The person that he is talking about is a woman that lived across the street from us. She divorced her husband 8 years ago, and he kept their kids. 6 months ago she got her kids back because her ex was charged with child molestation, so now they are going through a court battle. He accuses her of being a child molester, even though she is not. She only brought me up from Mexico, I stayed with her one night because we got through to the US so late and then she dropped me off with the friends I am staying with now.

 

[andrea450]

HOLD IT.

Can you PROVE that he is living in Mexico? This would be a HUGE factor.

I don't know how to prove it. I have a rental agreement from down there, which has my name on it and his name, but he used my last name as his. So his first name, middle name and my last name.
[/QUOTE]

Don't exaggerate - please. It won't help your credibility. Was he ever ordered to take anger management classes? What do these fits of rage entail?

I am not exaggerating. I am sticking to the truth. Exaggerating and lying won't get me anywhere. Yes he was ordered to take anger management classes due to his criminal case and his older child being taken away by CPS. I know he had to jump through a lot of hoops. I don't think he completed the anger management, because after he finished the 50 something weeks the teacher recommended that he do it again. His fits of rage entail yelling and screaming at me, throwing things around the room. Cussing CONSTANTLY. Threatening to hit me or kill me. This was going on almost every day. When he has taken the medication that was prescribed to him it really helped calm him down, but now he refuses to take it. The longest span he ever took it for was one month.

Not going to matter - you apparently thought it was ok to be with him and have a child with him. You basically "accepted" him as he was.

I did not know about this until recently, I found it on the court system online. Does it not show that he has done this before and has not changed his ways?

Once? Twice?

Once in the US. Numerous times in Mexico, but the laws are different there so I won't even bring it up.

 

[ecmst12]

You need an attorney.

 

[Proserpina]

I don't know how to prove it. I have a rental agreement from down there, which has my name on it and his name, but he used my last name as his. So his first name, middle name and my last name.

But he's using a different - US-based - address now, right?

On the court papers?

I am not exaggerating. I am sticking to the truth. Exaggerating and lying won't get me anywhere. Yes he was ordered to take anger management classes due to his criminal case and his older child being taken away by CPS. I know he had to jump through a lot of hoops. I don't think he completed the anger management, because after he finished the 50 something weeks the teacher recommended that he do it again. His fits of rage entail yelling and screaming at me, throwing things around the room. Cussing CONSTANTLY. Threatening to hit me or kill me. This was going on almost every day. When he has taken the medication that was prescribed to him it really helped calm him down, but now he refuses to take it. The longest span he ever took it for was one month.

Here's the thing - not only can you not prove that he's verbally abusive, but I can promise you that nobody is constantly doing any one thing (other than basic biological functions...). Frequently? Absolutely. Regularly? Yup. But not "constantly". I'm not saying this to be argumentative, or pedantic - but to help you understand that once you're in court you need to avoid absolutes like that unless they are quite literally the truth (and in this case you yourself have said that it's NOT constant...things happened ALMOST daily, which means it was not happening constantly..see where I'm going here?).

Perhaps a much bigger issue:

WHY and WHEN was his other child removed from his care? Did he have custody? Where is this child's other parent?

I did not know about this until recently, I found it on the court system online. Does it not show that he has done this before and has not changed his ways?

No - because you don't have proof that he's done anything like this to you.

Once in the US. Numerous times in Mexico, but the laws are different there so I won't even bring it up.

Then once probably isn't going to be a big issue.

Please answer the questions about CPS removing his other child - again this could be very important.