Custody and domestic violence issues

[california owne]

What is the name of your state? California


This is going to be long, but I really need some advice.
I am trying to help a friend of mine. She is 29 and has a 2 year old. Her exboyfriend was very abusive towards her (and the child). Since having the child, he told her if she ever left him that he would take the child.

Last November they were living with her parents when her mom witnessed the father of the child pick up the baby by its neck and blow in his face. She kicked the guy out and he said, "If I'm leaving, I am taking the child with me". So, that is what he did. At the time my friend had court papers that said she had custody, so she had to get copies of those and cops went to the ex boyfriends house to get the child. The cops had told her that she would still have to allow the father of the child to see the baby on the weekends, meeting at a police station. She went there to drop off the child on a friday and when she went to pick up her baby on Sunday, she was slapped with a restraining order.

I have known my friend for 12 years, she is very quiet and shy, which is why this guy walks all over her. This year they have been to court more times than I can count. My friend was completely honest throught the court hearings. She addmitted slapping the ex boyfriend in the past when he was abusing her. There are police reports when neighbors called the cops after hearing her getting thrown across the room. The exboyfriend also sat on her stomach when she was pregnant. When the cops were called at that time, he turned the story completely around making it her fault (saying she slapped him). Yet in the report it said she had red marks on her neck from being choked and they took pictures of him, but saw nothing. This was in 2003 and he was jailed.

The judgement went to him because he denied everything. Because my friend was honest and said she slapped her ex boyfriend in the past, she was only allowed to see the child on the weekend. My friend is so quiet, it's hard for her to speak up in court even though she did have a lawyer thoughout the case. The exboyfriend would have cops waiting for her during exchanges with the child because he claimed she violated the restraing order. He would tell the cops when she would show up 'there's a warrant out for her arrest', finally there was. She spent 10 days in jail for calling him directly after being slapped with the restraining order. All she said to him was that he was supposed to return her son that day and he kidnapped him.


Here is where I need help. The case is going on in Orange County, CA. (an hour from where she lives). To get legal aid, she has to get a slip from LA county first. We went to the la courthouse and waited three hours for the lady to say she didn't have enough paper work and if we wanted to go back another time, they may look at it and see if they want to help, but that the case was being delt with in another county. They lady would not give her any slip to get legal aid elsewhere. So, she cannot even get legal aid because she doesn't live in the area of the court house. If she goes through LA county legal aid, it may take months and she may not have her son for upcoming holidays. She cannot afford another lawyer (the case is already done anyway)

My friend and her exboyfriend have had restraining orders against each other. For the past few months, they were to make exchanges at a local police station near her house. They did this for about two weeks, but then he started following her to K-mart which was next door and McDonalds. My friend is AFRAID to tell the court about this, because the guy can completely turn her into the criminal court and get her put in jail again (she was giver probation). He will do this if things don't go his way in court. The family court commioner does not understand this at all.

While they had restraining orders against one another, I drove her to the court house for mediation. When it was over, the exboyfriend walked out right away. My friend told me a little about what was said, then we walked out. As soon as we turned the corner out of the room, the exboyfriend was standing there. We all went down the elevator together and to the parking lot. In that time he kept telling her everything was fine and it's over. He then told her to call him and asked what McDonalds she wants to meet him at. I couldn't say anything because I know he is threatening her.

I asked her why she is going along with him, and it's because she is afraid of him. He promised her that at the next hearing he would allow her more time with her son. Well, I went to the last hearing and he gets up there with his lawyer and completely turns on my friend. He told the judge he wants her to have monitored visits (didn't get) and supervised exchanges (got). I wanted to stand up and tel the judge all that has been happening, but I did not.

Since a laywer is out of the question, can my friend fill out paperwork to see the commisioner again and have her mom (who witnessed a lot) and I talk? I have called the court house and they said only a lawyer can talk for her. But, can she say to the judge that we are witnesses? I witnessed him telling her to call him. Her mom witnessed other things too. My friend is too quiet to talk on her own and I really think the judge needs to know everything. My friend wants help, but is fearful of being thrown in jail again if the judge acts in her favor.

Any advice?

I am sorry this was so long, this case has been going on almost a year now. Ugh!

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state? California


This is going to be long, but I really need some advice.
I am trying to help a friend of mine. She is 29 and has a 2 year old. Her exboyfriend was very abusive towards her (and the child). Since having the child, he told her if she ever left him that he would take the child.

Last November they were living with her parents when her mom witnessed the father of the child pick up the baby by its neck and blow in his face. She kicked the guy out and he said, "If I'm leaving, I am taking the child with me". So, that is what he did. At the time my friend had court papers that said she had custody, so she had to get copies of those and cops went to the ex boyfriends house to get the child. The cops had told her that she would still have to allow the father of the child to see the baby on the weekends, meeting at a police station. She went there to drop off the child on a friday and when she went to pick up her baby on Sunday, she was slapped with a restraining order.

I have known my friend for 12 years, she is very quiet and shy, which is why this guy walks all over her. This year they have been to court more times than I can count. My friend was completely honest throught the court hearings. She addmitted slapping the ex boyfriend in the past when he was abusing her. There are police reports when neighbors called the cops after hearing her getting thrown across the room. The exboyfriend also sat on her stomach when she was pregnant. When the cops were called at that time, he turned the story completely around making it her fault (saying she slapped him). Yet in the report it said she had red marks on her neck from being choked and they took pictures of him, but saw nothing. This was in 2003 and he was jailed.

The judgement went to him because he denied everything. Because my friend was honest and said she slapped her ex boyfriend in the past, she was only allowed to see the child on the weekend. My friend is so quiet, it's hard for her to speak up in court even though she did have a lawyer thoughout the case. The exboyfriend would have cops waiting for her during exchanges with the child because he claimed she violated the restraing order. He would tell the cops when she would show up 'there's a warrant out for her arrest', finally there was. She spent 10 days in jail for calling him directly after being slapped with the restraining order. All she said to him was that he was supposed to return her son that day and he kidnapped him.


Here is where I need help. The case is going on in Orange County, CA. (an hour from where she lives). To get legal aid, she has to get a slip from LA county first. We went to the la courthouse and waited three hours for the lady to say she didn't have enough paper work and if we wanted to go back another time, they may look at it and see if they want to help, but that the case was being delt with in another county. They lady would not give her any slip to get legal aid elsewhere. So, she cannot even get legal aid because she doesn't live in the area of the court house. If she goes through LA county legal aid, it may take months and she may not have her son for upcoming holidays. She cannot afford another lawyer (the case is already done anyway)

My friend and her exboyfriend have had restraining orders against each other. For the past few months, they were to make exchanges at a local police station near her house. They did this for about two weeks, but then he started following her to K-mart which was next door and McDonalds. My friend is AFRAID to tell the court about this, because the guy can completely turn her into the criminal court and get her put in jail again (she was giver probation). He will do this if things don't go his way in court. The family court commioner does not understand this at all.

While they had restraining orders against one another, I drove her to the court house for mediation. When it was over, the exboyfriend walked out right away. My friend told me a little about what was said, then we walked out. As soon as we turned the corner out of the room, the exboyfriend was standing there. We all went down the elevator together and to the parking lot. In that time he kept telling her everything was fine and it's over. He then told her to call him and asked what McDonalds she wants to meet him at. I couldn't say anything because I know he is threatening her.

I asked her why she is going along with him, and it's because she is afraid of him. He promised her that at the next hearing he would allow her more time with her son. Well, I went to the last hearing and he gets up there with his lawyer and completely turns on my friend. He told the judge he wants her to have monitored visits (didn't get) and supervised exchanges (got). I wanted to stand up and tel the judge all that has been happening, but I did not.

Since a laywer is out of the question, can my friend fill out paperwork to see the commisioner again and have her mom (who witnessed a lot) and I talk? I have called the court house and they said only a lawyer can talk for her. But, can she say to the judge that we are witnesses? I witnessed him telling her to call him. Her mom witnessed other things too. My friend is too quiet to talk on her own and I really think the judge needs to know everything. My friend wants help, but is fearful of being thrown in jail again if the judge acts in her favor.

Any advice?

I am sorry this was so long, this case has been going on almost a year now. Ugh!

Not a lot can be done at this point. And, until your friend grows a backbone~ this is what she can count on happening in the future.

She was served with a restraining order and THEN contacted him (against the law) that is why she was arrested. That was all on her. Who cares what the b/f told her to do? He's obviously an abuser, so why would she believe anything he said?

She needs to follow the court order to a T. I mean EXACTLY. ANY deviation on b/f's part and she should file a police report.

Her mother and you need to file declarations at court which outline the behavior you've witnessed- the judge didn't take it into account because you all never provided him with that testimony.

This is going to be a long process where your friend must be very diligent. If the b/f is abusive he will trip himself up. Your friend should have all correspondence in writing (if the Restraining Order is over now). She should NOT answer ANY calls from b/f...let them all go to voicemail or answering machine first.

Who is supervising the visits? She should attend every scheduled visit- and she should bring a witness with her everytime she has ANY contact with this person AT ALL.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

You and your friend can contact the Family Law Facilitator's office they can help with her filings. Witneses may prepared sworn declarations on the appropriate forms, the FLF office can help with this. It is very important for her to report when he breaks the restraining order and for witnesses to speak up, not to remain silent.

Since she lives in LA county have her contact the Barristers Domestic Violence Project they have volunteers located in courtroom spaces in the Central and Pasadena Districts of the Superior Court, is a joint project with the Superior Court. This may be a place to find some assistance if she qualifies. In addition, a social worker assists clients with referrals to other resources such as counseling and shelter.

For information about the project call Patricia Andreani, Directing Attorney, at (213) 896-6491.

 

[california owne]

Thank you!

I appreciate your help.

I was never aware witnesses can file a declaration. Before my friend went to court in July, I personally wrote to the judge letting her know what I had witnessed. The letter was sent back with some legal code and they included a letter saying it wasn't read by the judge because I am not part of the party involved.

Both restraining orders continue until 2008. I highly regret not calling the cops when I knew this guy was meeting my friend other places besides the police station to exchanged the child. Only exchanges are supervised, not the actual visit. I knew if I did call the cops, this guy would make it her fault and they'd both get in trouble.

This was a long case with many witnesses, her mom went on the stand. I didn't feel like I need to at the time and didn't feel safe testifying against the guy since he had threatened me personally in the past. A former neighbor of my friend who called the cops after hearing her get thrown against the wall would not testify either, she'd elderly and is fearful of this guy.

I know why she was arrested, But, for the past few months this guy has been friendly towards her and promised her more time with her son. They were BOTH ignoring the restraing order. He called HER house and told her stepdad he wanted to take her to the fair. I think my friend needs to get phone records of both sides of the calls. I want the judge to come down on both of them, hard (in family court, not criminal). We have told her many times and I think after the last hearing when he asked for monitored visits for her that she finally got it. She has not contacted him since.

I'll give her the phone #. Thank you!

 

[stealth2]

Unless HE is barred from contact by the RO, his actions are completely moot. Your friend is the one who is restricted and every contact - regardless of who initiates it - puts her in contempt. She needs to follow the order to a T, as stated above. If that means going to the designated swap spot and he's not there, so be it - then she needs to file against him for contempt. But under no circumstances should she do anything that is against the RO.

At this point, she needs a serious come to Jesus talk about how she's shooting herself in the foot.

 

[california owne]

ok

Well, they have restraining orders against each other. The judge also gave the ex boyfriend 22 weeks of anger management classes. My friend had 10 classes.
So, they can easily both get in trouble. But, I think she should bring it up in family law before he brings it to criminal. I think he'd only take it to criminal court if things don't go his way in family law. That is what he has done so far.

You know what? I TOLD her to record what he was telling her (the restraining order allowed her to do this). When she showed up to exchange the child, this guy would check her purse each time making sure she was not recording him.. I don't even think either of them can file a police report about this because they were both violating it.

 

[stealth2]

Then maybe - just MAYBE - she should stop violating it?

 

[california owne]

agreed

I couldn't agree with you more. That is why I told my friend that I will not help her if she contacts the guy again. I am only posting here because she has no computer. Thanks for your advice.

 

[california owne]

declaration

Does anyone know what type of declaration needs to be filled out by any witnesses? The court house my friend has her case at has all the forms online. There is one form that just says 'declaration', so I assume that would work. If witnesses were to fill that out, how would it become official? Do we need to get each delaration notarized? I wonder if that would hold up in court.

I gave my friend the number for the Family Law Facilitator's office. Since it's in LA county and all her paperwork for the case in Orange County, I am not sure if they'll help. But, she will call them about legal issues. Thanks

 

[casa]

Does anyone know what type of declaration needs to be filled out by any witnesses? The court house my friend has her case at has all the forms online. There is one form that just says 'declaration', so I assume that would work. If witnesses were to fill that out, how would it become official? Do we need to get each delaration notarized? I wonder if that would hold up in court.

I gave my friend the number for the Family Law Facilitator's office. Since it's in LA county and all her paperwork for the case in Orange County, I am not sure if they'll help. But, she will call them about legal issues. Thanks

She'll have to go to the court website for OC and find out the hours for the Family Law Facilitator- phone calls are generally not allowed. She must show up in person- first come, first serve.

The declaration page you are referring to is fine. It needs to be filed in OC court where the proceedings were held. 1 copy is served on the X, 1 copy is for your friend and the original is filed in court. She must follow CA proof of service guidelines, which are also detailed online and at the courthouse. The declarations do not need to be notarized prior to filing.