Do I have to defend or explain my actions/decisions?

[LdiJ]

Correct - on all counts.

It is mainly a family party - lots of parents, aunts, uncles, friends who are as close as family - and their kids. Mine were the only ones who slept over - and they have slept over at that house probably 30 times over the past few years (and the kids from that family have slept over equal times at my home) - our families are very close. When I left at 10:30, the majority of the party-goers had left, and the remainder were gone by 11:30.

Mist, I can see your point, and if it were a really rowdy party, with tons of kids running around unsupervised, I would totally agree. But, it wasn't like that at all. I'm sure you're right (from your earlier post) - he will add this to his pile of things he thinks I do that are inappropriate in an attempt to prove I am an unfit parent. Do I think he could prove that? Absolutely not. Is it incredibly draining to deal with his attacks? Absolutely. And he puts the kids in the middle all the time, which is even worse.

Bottom line - I have told him that we need to have child support recalculated - it hasn't been done since our initial one at our divorce in 2003 when he was self-employed and making peanuts. He knows his amount is going to go up. So... he is angry and attacks everything.

Do I waste my breath trying to defend and explain everything? I have asked a hundred times to go to coparenting counseling, but he refuses.

The post has gotten very off track from what I intended - which was - do I have to respond to all his attacks? I guess the question about the party was a bad example, lol....

Actually, the party wasn't a bad example.

Why? because it indicated that you don't do a very good job defending yourself against his attacks.

I clearly understand what happened and how dad twisted it. You clearly understand as well. However the way that you expressed yourself in response to dad actually made you look guilty when you weren't guilty at all.

You need to gain some insight as to when you need to respond to dad's accusations, and HOW you need to respond when a response is necessary.

 

[mistoffolees]

Do I waste my breath trying to defend and explain everything? I have asked a hundred times to go to coparenting counseling, but he refuses.

Ignoring the party issue, you're missing the point.

You are not responsible for his behavior. There is no place for you to nag him 'a hundred times' about a parenting class. You take care of your own parenting and stop living your life worrying about how he's going to respond.

When he says something, you respond appropriately (you've been given lots of advice above) and then drop it. STOP LETTING HIS BEHAVIOR CONTROL YOUR LIFE.

 

[mmmagique]

To answer your first question: no, you do not have to answer to every little nit-picky thing.

Dad concerned about 10 year olds drinking beer at a party is not a little nit-picky thing and deserved an answer.

 

[BalloonGirl]

Actually, the party wasn't a bad example.

Why? because it indicated that you don't do a very good job defending yourself against his attacks.

I clearly understand what happened and how dad twisted it. You clearly understand as well. However the way that you expressed yourself in response to dad actually made you look guilty when you weren't guilty at all.

You need to gain some insight as to when you need to respond to dad's accusations, and HOW you need to respond when a response is necessary.

Thank you for all your advice and honesty.
I will try to do better

 

[BalloonGirl]

Actually, the party wasn't a bad example.

Why? because it indicated that you don't do a very good job defending yourself against his attacks.

I clearly understand what happened and how dad twisted it. You clearly understand as well. However the way that you expressed yourself in response to dad actually made you look guilty when you weren't guilty at all.

You need to gain some insight as to when you need to respond to dad's accusations, and HOW you need to respond when a response is necessary.

Ok... I have another email that I need to respond to - or not respond to. Is there anyone who would be willing to advise me in a PM? I am leary of putting it all out there, for fear that he is reading this....

 

[alanpaulk]

a right to what?

I think dad has a right to know about situations affecting the children, but that is different than having a right to a response for every question he asks. In this case Dad has access to all the information that is knowable. Once his questioning becomes rhetorical, the interchange is no longer constructive, and your obligation to respond ceases.

I'd also clarify to him that you don't have a strict legal obligation to respond to him. You have a general obligation to be cooperative and reasonable. It would be entirely within your right to refuse to reply to anything with a hostile or accusatory tone, in my opinion.

 

[mistoffolees]

I'd also clarify to him that you don't have a strict legal obligation to respond to him.

That part may be wrong. If they have joint legal custody, then she DOES have an obligation to keep him informed of at least major issues that affect the child(ren).

 

[Nevergrowup]

We are questioning your judgement as custodial parent!!!!!

Who is "we"?

 

[BalloonGirl]

Who is "we"?

"We" is Dad and his new wife.

 

[Nevergrowup]

Could have guessed the answer to that one! I'd respond anytime he asks you anything with "we" in it "I'm sorry, I'm not sure who "we" is, I'd be happy to discuss our child with YOU, but I don't recall anyone else being present when he/she was created."

 

[BalloonGirl]

I think dad has a right to know about situations affecting the children, but that is different than having a right to a response for every question he asks. In this case Dad has access to all the information that is knowable. Once his questioning becomes rhetorical, the interchange is no longer constructive, and your obligation to respond ceases.

I'd also clarify to him that you don't have a strict legal obligation to respond to him. You have a general obligation to be cooperative and reasonable. It would be entirely within your right to refuse to reply to anything with a hostile or accusatory tone, in my opinion.

Can anyone else chime in on this?
Especially the last sentence - about the hostile or accusatory tone?

 

[LdiJ]

Can anyone else chime in on this?
Especially the last sentence - about the hostile or accusatory tone?

While this advice isn't bad on its face, whether or not you need to respond to dad (hostile and accusatory or no) depends a great deal on this issue dad is addressing in his email.

If dad is accusing you of something specific, that is serious, then you HAVE to respond, but you need to do so in a firmer and more direct manner than you have in the past.

 

[mistoffolees]

While this advice isn't bad on its face, whether or not you need to respond to dad (hostile and accusatory or no) depends a great deal on this issue dad is addressing in his email.

If dad is accusing you of something specific, that is serious, then you HAVE to respond, but you need to do so in a firmer and more direct manner than you have in the past.

Agreed. He IS the children's father and does have a right to know what is going on in their life.

If he has joint legal custody, then there's a LEGAL obligation to keep him informed with material matters. If something is significant, he is owed a response.

Even if he doesn't have joint legal custody, he still has a moral right to know what's going on - and if you refuse to keep him informed of the children's progress, that would be grounds for him to request a change of custody (whether he'd win or not is a different matter).

There's nothing in the law that says he has to be nice. Whether he delivers his requests with a hostile and accusatory tone or with flowers and chocolate, he is entitled to know what's going on with the kids.

 

[BalloonGirl]

Agreed. He IS the children's father and does have a right to know what is going on in their life.

If he has joint legal custody, then there's a LEGAL obligation to keep him informed with material matters. If something is significant, he is owed a response.

Even if he doesn't have joint legal custody, he still has a moral right to know what's going on - and if you refuse to keep him informed of the children's progress, that would be grounds for him to request a change of custody (whether he'd win or not is a different matter).

There's nothing in the law that says he has to be nice. Whether he delivers his requests with a hostile and accusatory tone or with flowers and chocolate, he is entitled to know what's going on with the kids.

Ok. So, define significant.

I provide him with the children's activities schedules, sports schedules, practice and game times, and other activities - such as art shows and concerts the kids are involved in.

I have been providing him with school updates, but he told me to stop, he would get that information on his own.

I have provided him with medical and dental information as it comes up, and have kept him informed of changes in providers.

I have told him when the girls miss school, and the reason behind it.

 

[LdiJ]

Ok. So, define significant.

I provide him with the children's activities schedules, sports schedules, practice and game times, and other activities - such as art shows and concerts the kids are involved in.

I have been providing him with school updates, but he told me to stop, he would get that information on his own.

I have provided him with medical and dental information as it comes up, and have kept him informed of changes in providers.

I have told him when the girls miss school, and the reason behind it.

The party is a perfect example. He basically accused you of bad parenting and condoning young girls drinking beer. That was something that you absolutely had to respond to.

However, if he goes off on a rant because you let them have french fries for dinner, you can pretty much safely ignore that one.