Does this constitute a change in custody?

[DA412]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TN

I have an 11 year old daughter with my ex (never married). They reside in TN and I in LA (for the past 3 years).

The last couple of years, since our daughter started middle school, she's been having issues with her grades and conduct in school. Obviously, I'm sure it has a lot to do with being an adolescent girl and focusing more on friends and boys rather than school. Unfortunately, her grades are suffering. I speak to her almost every day about homework, studying, etc.. reminding her to turn in assignments, asking her if she's studied and helping with homework. I'm able to keep up with her assignments and grades online and am constantly seeing zero's where she hasn't turned in homework and is showing very poor test/quiz grades. Her first report card was recently issued and she's already failing.

She's also had behavioral problems at home, lashing out at her mom, mom's boyfriend and half-sister. She frequently gets in trouble at school for talking and disrupting the class.

Mom has called me on several occasions about her behavior, telling me she just doesn't know what to do with her anymore and relying on me to "fix" the problem. Well, I can only do so much. Since our daughter doesn't live with me, it's hard for me to enforce anything I tell her to do. I have to rely on Mom to follow through. Mom has also admitted that she doesn't keep as close an eye on her school work as she should, citing work and her own education as well as another young child at home.

Our daughter doesn't have any kind of learning disability and is, actually, extremely intelligent. Her teachers have remarked that she does quite well when she applies herself.

When we had this very same discussion last school year about her failing grades, I suggested to Mom that if things don't start looking up, that I would like the opportunity to have daughter come stay with me during a school year to see if I can help turn her around. Mom said she'd think about it, but it never came up again. I plan on asking her about this again, though, understandably, she probably won't go for it.

I hate to go over her head, as we have a pretty good co-parenting relationship and wouldn't want to do anything to disrupt that. But, if it's better for our daughter in the long run, then I want to do what's best for her. Would any of this constitute a change in custody?

Let me also say that I'm in no way trying to find a way to take custody from Mom, as I know some parents try to do. I'm merely trying to find a way to help our daughter.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TN

I have an 11 year old daughter with my ex (never married). They reside in TN and I in LA (for the past 3 years).

The last couple of years, since our daughter started middle school, she's been having issues with her grades and conduct in school. Obviously, I'm sure it has a lot to do with being an adolescent girl and focusing more on friends and boys rather than school. Unfortunately, her grades are suffering. I speak to her almost every day about homework, studying, etc.. reminding her to turn in assignments, asking her if she's studied and helping with homework. I'm able to keep up with her assignments and grades online and am constantly seeing zero's where she hasn't turned in homework and is showing very poor test/quiz grades. Her first report card was recently issued and she's already failing.

She's also had behavioral problems at home, lashing out at her mom, mom's boyfriend and half-sister. She frequently gets in trouble at school for talking and disrupting the class.

Mom has called me on several occasions about her behavior, telling me she just doesn't know what to do with her anymore and relying on me to "fix" the problem. Well, I can only do so much. Since our daughter doesn't live with me, it's hard for me to enforce anything I tell her to do. I have to rely on Mom to follow through. Mom has also admitted that she doesn't keep as close an eye on her school work as she should, citing work and her own education as well as another young child at home.

Our daughter doesn't have any kind of learning disability and is, actually, extremely intelligent. Her teachers have remarked that she does quite well when she applies herself.

When we had this very same discussion last school year about her failing grades, I suggested to Mom that if things don't start looking up, that I would like the opportunity to have daughter come stay with me during a school year to see if I can help turn her around. Mom said she'd think about it, but it never came up again. I plan on asking her about this again, though, understandably, she probably won't go for it.

I hate to go over her head, as we have a pretty good co-parenting relationship and wouldn't want to do anything to disrupt that. But, if it's better for our daughter in the long run, then I want to do what's best for her. Would any of this constitute a change in custody?

Let me also say that I'm in no way trying to find a way to take custody from Mom, as I know some parents try to do. I'm merely trying to find a way to help our daughter.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

I think its pretty clear that your daughter might benefit from some counseling. She is acting up at both home and school. A counselor can help you and mom figure out what's up with her. That might get her back on track faster.

 

[DA412]

Daughter did, in fact, see her guidance counselor at school last year to discuss some of these issues with her. The counselor said she didn't pick up on any kind of deep seeded problems, just that she was a little nervous about starting a new school. As for not turning in assignments and such, daughter just said "I forgot".

 

[MichaCA]

Not legal advice; I also have a 11 year old daughter. I just read the 11 year old section in "Your Ten to Fourteen Year Old" by Louise Ames Phd. VERY eye-opening and important to read. It will give both you and mom some insight into just some of 11 year olds' problems.

 

[DA412]

Thanks, Micha, I'll be sure to check it out.

 

[LdiJ]

Daughter did, in fact, see her guidance counselor at school last year to discuss some of these issues with her. The counselor said she didn't pick up on any kind of deep seeded problems, just that she was a little nervous about starting a new school. As for not turning in assignments and such, daughter just said "I forgot".

I didn't mean a guidence counselor. I meant an outside counselor or therapist that she sees on a regular basis.

 

[DA412]

Oh, of course. I didn't mean to imply that we've already "been there, done that". I just wanted to let you know she has seen her guidance counselor at school about her grades and such. I'll discuss with Mom about taking her to see a counselor.

Legally speaking, though, is it enough to warrant a change in custody? I'd even be willing to do it on a trial basis, having daughter come stay with me for a full school year to see if I can make a difference.

 

[Zigner]

Oh, of course. I didn't mean to imply that we've already "been there, done that". I just wanted to let you know she has seen her guidance counselor at school about her grades and such. I'll discuss with Mom about taking her to see a counselor.

Legally speaking, though, is it enough to warrant a change in custody? I'd even be willing to do it on a trial basis, having daughter come stay with me for a full school year to see if I can make a difference.

Some minor school problems that may be solved through counseling...or the passage of time...would likely not be enough to uproot the girl from the only home she knows.

 

[DA412]

With all due respect, I don't see the issue of her failing school as "minor", especially if it means her having to repeat the grade over. This is her second year in a row where she's failing school, this year being earlier in the school year than the last. If anything, "time" is showing it becoming progressively worse.

As for our daughter being "uprooted", she's been uprooted her entire life. This is her fourth school because Mom moves around a lot.

I appreciate the advice and if it's not likely that custody could be changed based on what I've stated, then I won't pursue it. Hopefully, the counseling will be enough to help our daughter.

 

[Zigner]

With all due respect, I don't see the issue of her failing school as "minor", especially if it means her having to repeat the grade over. This is her second year in a row where she's failing school, this year being earlier in the school year than the last. If anything, "time" is showing it becoming progressively worse.

As for our daughter being "uprooted", she's been uprooted her entire life. This is her fourth school because Mom moves around a lot.

I appreciate the advice and if it's not likely that custody could be changed based on what I've stated, then I won't pursue it. Hopefully, the counseling will be enough to help our daughter.

I would suggest you discuss this matter with an attorney - it can't hurt to at least have a consultation. At the very least, if you don't currently stand a good chance, the attorney can advise what WOULD constitute a good chance.

 

[DA412]

Great advice, Zigner, I'll be sure to check with my attorney. Thank you, and everyone else, for the help.

 

[Proserpina]

Great advice, Zigner, I'll be sure to check with my attorney. Thank you, and everyone else, for the help.

Kudos for making this about your daughter and not you or your ex

(I shouldn't have to say that but it happens here with such infrequency that it bears commenting on)

 

[DA412]

Thank you, Proserpina.