Pro: Lettuce is beautiful, delicate, and delicious. Please don't wish this person on lettuce. Even if he/she/the/it/what was even in the presence of the poor lettuce it would still be enough to brown it. And brown lettuce is sad lettuce....So tell me.
Are you Dad testing the waters? Dad's latest, perhaps? I don't believe for one nanosecond that you're actually Mom.
If, by some miracle, you are actually the mother, my advice is this:
Hand over those children to their father. You should have custody of nothing more complex than a lettuce leaf.
(And even then, I'd make sure you never actually touched the lettuce leaf)