Ex renting out kids bedrooms to two guys and he sleeps with kids in the same room

[muhangu]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
Delaware..
Hello.
Have been the custody modifications with my ex-husband, now we have a 60/40 custody in my favor.
#1) The issue is my ex constantly cancels his visits with the kids who are 2 and 4 constantly for their overnights. On average he cancels 4 overnights a month out of the 12 that he has.
#2) He is sharing a 3 bedroom house with 2 guys he is renting out the kids bedrooms to. Therefore the kids share the main bedroom with him which is not an issue but my concern is the 2 men in the house. The kids spent an average of 12overnights a month at his house.

I want to go back and get full custody with no overnights as long as the living conditions have not changed because my son and daughter are 2 and 4.
.

Will l have any chance with the courts if l want to modify the custody on both of the grounds mentioned above

Thank you in advance for the help

 

[Silverplum]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
Delaware..
Hello.
Have been the custody modifications with my ex-husband, now we have a 60/40 custody in my favor.
#1) The issue is my ex constantly cancels his visits with the kids who are 2 and 4 constantly for their overnights. On average he cancels 4 overnights a month out of the 12 that he has.
#2) He is sharing a 3 bedroom house with 2 guys he is renting out the kids bedrooms to. Therefore the kids share the main bedroom with him which is not an issue but my concern is the 2 men in the house. The kids spent an average of 12overnights a month at his house.

I want to go back and get full custody with no overnights as long as the living conditions have not changed because my son and daughter are 2 and 4.
.

Will l have any chance with the courts if l want to modify the custody on both of the grounds mentioned above

Thank you in advance for the help

Does your custody court order forbid housemates? Does it require separate bedrooms for each child? Do the bedrooms have to be decorated with Pottery Barn stuff??

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
Delaware..
Hello.
Have been the custody modifications with my ex-husband, now we have a 60/40 custody in my favor.
#1) The issue is my ex constantly cancels his visits with the kids who are 2 and 4 constantly for their overnights. On average he cancels 4 overnights a month out of the 12 that he has.
#2) He is sharing a 3 bedroom house with 2 guys he is renting out the kids bedrooms to. Therefore the kids share the main bedroom with him which is not an issue but my concern is the 2 men in the house. The kids spent an average of 12overnights a month at his house.

I want to go back and get full custody with no overnights as long as the living conditions have not changed because my son and daughter are 2 and 4.
.

Will l have any chance with the courts if l want to modify the custody on both of the grounds mentioned above

Thank you in advance for the help

1. He uses 2/3 of his time, correct? That's perfectly fine and it's obviously not "constantly". Sorry, but when parents start saying "constantly" I have an odd habit of presuming that the other parent is definitely NOT doing something constantly, other than autonomic bodily functions.

2. Your little ones are very small. They do not need separate bedrooms. And you've just contradicted yourself a bit - first you're saying that he only takes 8 overnights, now you're back to 12 because you're concerned about....two male friends? It's not both, Mom.

So help us help you. What is it about his friends that concerns you?

 

[muhangu]

Does your custody court order forbid housemates? Does it require separate bedrooms for each child? Do the bedrooms have to be decorated with Pottery Barn stuff??

No it does specifically mention that, but each time he asked to get it modified he would be asked if he was still residing at the same address and alone > the answer has always been he lives alone which is one of the conditions he received shared custody.

I do not care for separate bedrooms for the kids... my issue is the kids having to live with two male strangers... who knows what their criminal background is or how many partners/girlfriends they bring in the kids presence. I have lived in a homeless women's shelter with my kids after he kicked us out so sharing a bedroom with the kids is not an issue l have done it. Having a 2 year old daughter living with strangers is my concern.

The main issues are the cancelling on the kids last minute which is becoming worse and worse. I love spending time with the kids. I am finishing my MBA, working full time and l don't mind having shared custody as long as he is doing his part of having the kids on his assigned visits.

# third issue is the kids are being trained to fear me and calling me names like Witch, Devil which their father is telling them to say. I love my kids am l just concerned as a mom.

 

[justalayman]

I do not care for separate bedrooms for the kids... my issue is the kids having to live with two male strangers...

strangers to you. Are they strangers to the father?

who knows what their criminal background is or how many partners/girlfriends they bring in the kids presence.

they know and if you have reason to believe there is an issue rather than just letting your mind run wild, you can find out too.

I have lived in a homeless women's shelter with my kids after he kicked us out so sharing a bedroom with the kids is not an issue l have done it.

that's good because at 2 and 4 I see nothing wrong with sharing a room with dad. Heck, when my grandkids stay the night (real close to the 2 and 4 age thing), I get kicked of my room and my wife shares our room with the kids. They have a blast.

The main issues are the cancelling on the kids last minute which is becoming worse and worse. I love spending time with the kids. I am finishing my MBA, working full time and l don't mind having shared custody as long as he is doing his part of having the kids on his assigned visits.

he does not have assigned visits. He has time he can choose to exercise his visitation.

# third issue is the kids are being trained to fear me and calling me names like Witch, Devil which their father is telling them to say.

You have proof of this? If so, then yes, that is a problem.


so far you have expressed nothing but an unsupported fear of the other people in the house. That is a bit irrational.


If you really want to know what their criminal records are, you can usually look it up at most states websites.

 

[Proserpina]

No it does specifically mention that, but each time he asked to get it modified he would be asked if he was still residing at the same address and alone > the answer has always been he lives alone which is one of the conditions he received shared custody.

No it's not. Believe me. The court CANNOT restrict him like that.

I do not care for separate bedrooms for the kids... my issue is the kids having to live with two male strangers... who knows what their criminal background is or how many partners/girlfriends they bring in the kids presence. I have lived in a homeless women's shelter with my kids after he kicked us out so sharing a bedroom with the kids is not an issue l have done it. Having a 2 year old daughter living with strangers is my concern.

How exactly does Dad know that you're not bringing in the entire football team for "extracurricular activities" every night? It's none of his business, right? Unless there's actually proof that it's negatively hurting the kids, it's a non-issue..yeah?

The main issues are the cancelling on the kids last minute which is becoming worse and worse. I love spending time with the kids. I am finishing my MBA, working full time and l don't mind having shared custody as long as he is doing his part of having the kids on his assigned visits.

# third issue is the kids are being trained to fear me and calling me names like Witch, Devil which their father is telling them to say. I love my kids am l just concerned as a mom.

This is a serious question. How do you know what Dad is telling your very small children? Your 2 and 4 year old?

 

[muhangu]

No it's not. Believe me. The court CANNOT restrict him like that.



How exactly does Dad know that you're not bringing in the entire football team for "extracurricular activities" every night? It's none of his business, right? Unless there's actually proof that it's negatively hurting the kids, it's a non-issue..yeah?




This is a serious question. How do you know what Dad is telling your very small children? Your 2 and 4 year old?

Long story short:

We both of African descent, my ended our marriage because of his crazy belief that his mom fed him with that l am a witch and all kinds of craziness. The accusations turned into serious accusations which he emotionally abused me to an extend that l had to file for a PFA. Had proof of all his accusations and showed them to the court and l was granted the PFA. That is since the 2yr old was 3months old. He verbally abused me and called me all evil words infront of the kids, kicked me out of the house, tried to hit me several times until l fled the house with a police escort. Fast forward 2 yrs later, he is is now training the kids everytime we do the exchanges, the kids yell at me " Evil we are not scared of you" the exchanges are really hard to do because each time the kids come yelling at me about what he coaches them to say even infront of me. He says things lke tell her eveil you don't scare us. Its been hard but because the kids are so young l can not have them testify.

He continues to tell the kids to say things that he know he cant say because l will file for a PFA again so he is now using the kids. Its hard the torture l endured from him and now to have to deal with the kids calling these names.

After all said and done , my kids are priority its been almost a year since he been using the kids to throw the witch, devil words at me but don't know what to do.
On top of everything he cancels his visits last minute.

 

[Proserpina]

Long story short:

We both of African descent, my ended our marriage because of his crazy belief that his mom fed him with that l am a witch and all kinds of craziness. The accusations turned into serious accusations which he emotionally abused me to an extend that l had to file for a PFA. Had proof of all his accusations and showed them to the court and l was granted the PFA. That is since the 2yr old was 3months old. He verbally abused me and called me all evil words infront of the kids, kicked me out of the house, tried to hit me several times until l fled the house with a police escort. Fast forward 2 yrs later, he is is now training the kids everytime we do the exchanges, the kids yell at me " Evil we are not scared of you" the exchanges are really hard to do because each time the kids come yelling at me about what he coaches them to say even infront of me. He says things lke tell her eveil you don't scare us. Its been hard but because the kids are so young l can not have them testify.

He continues to tell the kids to say things that he know he cant say because l will file for a PFA again so he is now using the kids. Its hard the torture l endured from him and now to have to deal with the kids calling these names.

After all said and done , my kids are priority its been almost a year since he been using the kids to throw the witch, devil words at me but don't know what to do.
On top of everything he cancels his visits last minute.

Two ideas.

1. Modify the pick up/drop off point. Preferably either in the Police parking lot, or somewhere VERY public.

2. Go and look at FamilyWizard.

If he's a jerk, he's not going to change any time soon. But you can change how you react to it. What if you gave him the biggest beatific smile and went on your way? It's much harder to be a jerk when the other person doesn't care.

Visitation is his right, and your obligation. He's not obliged to turn up. Now that doesn't mean you have to be stuck in the house all day. Go about your business, and let him know you'll be at X for Y time, and if he wants to pick up the kids it'll take you Z time to be home and have them ready.

 

[Proserpina]

Afterthought:

He's only doing this because he knows you'll react. Don't let him rent that space in your head! You deal with him, and civilly, because that's best for the children. But that sure as heck doesn't mean you'll kowtow to his demands, or allow him to make you feel bad. There are classes, and books, available to help you deal with a less-than-perfect coparenting relationship.

Use the resources you can find.

The two roommates are irrelevant, if only because the real problem isn't the roommates. It's the fact that he thinks he's still controlling you. Again, don't give him that privilege. The only person who has the right to control you, is you.

 

[muhangu]

Two ideas.

1. Modify the pick up/drop off point. Preferably either in the Police parking lot, or somewhere VERY public.

2. Go and look at FamilyWizard.

If he's a jerk, he's not going to change any time soon. But you can change how you react to it. What if you gave him the biggest beatific smile and went on your way? It's much harder to be a jerk when the other person doesn't care.

Visitation is his right, and your obligation. He's not obliged to turn up. Now that doesn't mean you have to be stuck in the house all day. Go about your business, and let him know you'll be at X for Y time, and if he wants to pick up the kids it'll take you Z time to be home and have them ready.

Thank you.
It gets hard when it seems like l am the only one who cares mpre about the emotional welfare of the kids. Being so young to see my kids going through this breaks my heart. I agreed to him having more time after he said he wanted to spent mpre time with the kids. As soon as we got the modification done, he started cancelling the visits, it breaks the kids heart after getting ready with their bag ready to get a text when we are in the car of him cancelling his visit. And he only lives 5minutes drive away so if he is cancelling so much why cant l be allowed to get back the full custody.

# Also during his mid-week visits, he can not pick the kids from daycare so l have to pick the kids up and take them to the grocery store parking lot for the exchange and the next morning he takes them back to the daycare and l have to pick them up for him. I enjoy the extra time l get to spent with the kids but l feel that l have a point if l ask for full custody and he can only get maybe weekends since weekdays he can't pick them up on time from day care.

I have been ignoring him about his insults which he continues to do even in texts. If he continues l may have to file for another PFA even against the kids since he is poising them with all this stuff.

 

[muhangu]

Afterthought:

He's only doing this because he knows you'll react. Don't let him rent that space in your head! You deal with him, and civilly, because that's best for the children. But that sure as heck doesn't mean you'll kowtow to his demands, or allow him to make you feel bad. There are classes, and books, available to help you deal with a less-than-perfect coparenting relationship.

Use the resources you can find.

The two roommates are irrelevant, if only because the real problem isn't the roommates. It's the fact that he thinks he's still controlling you. Again, don't give him that privilege. The only person who has the right to control you, is you.

Thank you,

I had a feeling the roommates would be irrelevant . My only worry is if something happens to the kids then it will kill me that l did not bring it up to the authorities.

I have been ignoring all his actions and each time he comes up with a new way of attacking me. Thankfully my faith is keeping grounded. Have been reading some books to help me, which is why l do not react to him, l just ignore him but it hurts sometimes to have someone continue to torture me for no reason and its not just me but its the kids as well.

 

[Ohiogal]

Thank you.
It gets hard when it seems like l am the only one who cares mpre about the emotional welfare of the kids. Being so young to see my kids going through this breaks my heart. I agreed to him having more time after he said he wanted to spent mpre time with the kids. As soon as we got the modification done, he started cancelling the visits, it breaks the kids heart after getting ready with their bag ready to get a text when we are in the car of him cancelling his visit. And he only lives 5minutes drive away so if he is cancelling so much why cant l be allowed to get back the full custody.

# Also during his mid-week visits, he can not pick the kids from daycare so l have to pick the kids up and take them to the grocery store parking lot for the exchange and the next morning he takes them back to the daycare and l have to pick them up for him. I enjoy the extra time l get to spent with the kids but l feel that l have a point if l ask for full custody and he can only get maybe weekends since weekdays he can't pick them up on time from day care.

I have been ignoring him about his insults which he continues to do even in texts. If he continues l may have to file for another PFA even against the kids since he is poising them with all this stuff.

Why can't he pick the kids up from daycare?

 

[stealth2]

Two ideas.

1. Modify the pick up/drop off point. Preferably either in the Police parking lot, or somewhere VERY public.

2. Go and look at FamilyWizard.

If he's a jerk, he's not going to change any time soon. But you can change how you react to it. What if you gave him the biggest beatific smile and went on your way? It's much harder to be a jerk when the other person doesn't care.

Visitation is his right, and your obligation. He's not obliged to turn up. Now that doesn't mean you have to be stuck in the house all day. Go about your business, and let him know you'll be at X for Y time, and if he wants to pick up the kids it'll take you Z time to be home and have them ready.

And have a third party along as a witrness. I've found that many (most?) people behave better when there is an audience.

Thank you,

I had a feeling the roommates would be irrelevant . My only worry is if something happens to the kids then it will kill me that l did not bring it up to the authorities.

The thing is - you have nothing to report. He is doing nothing illegsl by having housemates. As suggested, check their records yourself and go from there (if you find something that is potentially harmful to the kids).

I have been ignoring all his actions and each time he comes up with a new way of attacking me. Thankfully my faith is keeping grounded. Have been reading some books to help me, which is why l do not react to him, l just ignore him but it hurts sometimes to have someone continue to torture me for no reason and its not just me but its the kids as well.

I found that telling my kids something along the lines of "Dad and I don't always agree on what's best for you, and that can be upsetting. When people are upet or angry, they sometimes say things that they don't mean. The important thing for you to remember is that we both love you very much and only want what's best for you." helped me diffuse my own anger, and helped our kids work through dome of the foolishness. Not letting the ex see he upset me was less important than letting the kids see his words had no power over me.

Good luck!

 

[Silverplum]

Thank you,

I had a feeling the roommates would be irrelevant . My only worry is if something happens to the kids then it will kill me that l did not bring it up to the authorities.

I have been ignoring all his actions and each time he comes up with a new way of attacking me. Thankfully my faith is keeping grounded. Have been reading some books to help me, which is why l do not react to him, l just ignore him but it hurts sometimes to have someone continue to torture me for no reason and its not just me but its the kids as well.

In the first post, the only issue was the housing. Later, it's verbal abuse that's the real problem.

Most posters put the burning issue on top. Therefore, I think it's just the roommates and your loss of control.

 

[muhangu]

Thanks silverplum.
I did get helpful answers and responses from those who were willing to help regardless of the order l may have presented the issues.