Father attempting to get visitation after 11 1/2 year absence

[txrose1998]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TX

Ok.....I have posted before but its been a while, so I will give basic background information. My daughter's father left when she was 6 months old, she turns 12 in May. He hasn't seen her since she was
6 months old. He only started paying child support in the last 6 months. According to our divorce decree, he has no visitation rights currently due to abandonment. He called me four nights ago, saying that if he has to pay child support then he should get to see his kid. He said that if I didnt make it happen, he would take me back to court.

Here is my question: what should I expect if he takes me back to court? Do judges frown on parents who have been absent? Would they really give him visitation after this long of an absence?

Thanks in advance everyone!

 

[Zigner]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TX

Ok.....I have posted before but its been a while, so I will give basic background information. My daughter's father left when she was 6 months old, she turns 12 in May. He hasn't seen her since she was
6 months old. He only started paying child support in the last 6 months. According to our divorce decree, he has no visitation rights currently due to abandonment. He called me four nights ago, saying that if he has to pay child support then he should get to see his kid. He said that if I didnt make it happen, he would take me back to court.

Here is my question: what should I expect if he takes me back to court? Do judges frown on parents who have been absent? Would they really give him visitation after this long of an absence?

Thanks in advance everyone!

You can expect a period of supervised visitation (probably not too much) followed by unsupervised visitation, up to and including overnights.
You can also expect the need to put your daughter in therapy.

Daughter knows about her father, right?

 

[txrose1998]

Yes, she knows about him. I've never hidden that from her. But she has always been understandably confused about why he has never been around. And I have always said, I dont know why.

Could the court get him to cover the cost of therapy since he would be the reason for the upheaval in her life?

 

[Zigner]

Yes, she knows about him. I've never hidden that from her. But she has always been understandably confused about why he has never been around. And I have always said, I dont know why.

Could the court get him to cover the cost of therapy since he would be the reason for the upheaval in her life?

You could ask.

 

[Proserpina]

Yes, she knows about him. I've never hidden that from her. But she has always been understandably confused about why he has never been around. And I have always said, I dont know why.

Could the court get him to cover the cost of therapy since he would be the reason for the upheaval in her life?

I think blame is considered to be much more black and white in some areas of the country. Asking the court to have him pay for therapy might not wash the more north you go...but it might be completely reasonable elsewhere.

Do you already have a attorney? (I'm sorry, I'm sorry - but I don't know if I've read your post hx and haven't had coffee yet)? An attorney would know how likely it is in your neck of the woods.

 

[Proserpina]

You could ask.

Of course I could've just said "what he said ^^^", too,

 

[Just Blue]

Yes, she knows about him. I've never hidden that from her. But she has always been understandably confused about why he has never been around. And I have always said, I dont know why.

Could the court get him to cover the cost of therapy since he would be the reason for the upheaval in her life?

You can request it. It might be a good idea for the 3 of you to go together. You, Dad and child...for her sake.

 

[Ladyback1]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TX

Ok.....I have posted before but its been a while, so I will give basic background information. My daughter's father left when she was 6 months old, she turns 12 in May. He hasn't seen her since she was
6 months old. He only started paying child support in the last 6 months. According to our divorce decree, he has no visitation rights currently due to abandonment. He called me four nights ago, saying that if he has to pay child support then he should get to see his kid. He said that if I didnt make it happen, he would take me back to court.

Here is my question: what should I expect if he takes me back to court? Do judges frown on parents who have been absent? Would they really give him visitation after this long of an absence?

Thanks in advance everyone!

Yes, the court could give him visitation.

Personally? I'd get daughter in counseling now. And, I'd tell Dad that if he wants to see her, he will have to take you back to court. And let him go ahead and file for a modification of the current order.
Be prepared for him to say that YOU kept the child from him (whether it's true or not). Be prepared for him to give a sob story about how he missed his child, loves his child, blah, blah, blah...But, that is just my opinion. I have no patience for parents who think they can pop in and out of their children's lives any old time they want to!

Child support does not equate to visitation. If it did, a lot of parents who are in arrears/not paying, would never get to see their kids

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TX

Ok.....I have posted before but its been a while, so I will give basic background information. My daughter's father left when she was 6 months old, she turns 12 in May. He hasn't seen her since she was
6 months old. He only started paying child support in the last 6 months. According to our divorce decree, he has no visitation rights currently due to abandonment. He called me four nights ago, saying that if he has to pay child support then he should get to see his kid. He said that if I didnt make it happen, he would take me back to court.

Here is my question: what should I expect if he takes me back to court? Do judges frown on parents who have been absent? Would they really give him visitation after this long of an absence?

Thanks in advance everyone!

I slightly disagree with some of the previous responses. I am pretty certain that based on the fact that he is a total stranger to the 12 year old child that if you asked for visitation to be therapeutic visitation in a counselor's office to start off with, that a judge would agree with you. I also think that there is a better than decent shot that dad would be required to pay for that counseling/visitation.

I also disagree slightly with the idea of putting the child into counseling now. If you do, and dad never follows through with filing for visitation then its set up an expectation in the child's mind that might never happen, and that could be traumatic to the child. I would wait until dad actually files something first.

 

[txrose1998]

Thanks for the responses......I hate the idea of setting her up for heartbreak.....I tend to think that even if he claims to want it now he won't follow through long term.....I am so frustrated by the situation right now that I know I am not being rational..... That's why I need advice. ?..

 

[olhobbes]

Thanks for the responses......I hate the idea of setting her up for heartbreak.....I tend to think that even if he claims to want it now he won't follow through long term.....I am so frustrated by the situation right now that I know I am not being rational..... That's why I need advice. ?..

Look at it this way: She will learn some very powerful lessons from this, she'll look to you as to what those lessons are. Make them positive and she'll wind up a better person. Short of abuse, it doesn't really matter what dad does. What matters is how she handles the experiences.

The only bad experiences are those we learn nothing from.

Not to mention, you don't really know if dad will step up and do a great job. Maybe he and your daughter will have an amazing relationship. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

 

[PlaysWithSharks]

If I were in your position, as far as stepped up visitation, I would request that each step is fully completed before moving onto the next step. For example, 12 supervised visits within 4 months, then move to short alone visits for 6 months a certain number of times, then overnights at a year, or whatever makes sense as far as time frame. Clearly I don't know the "standard". Otherwise, absent dad could step up to the next level without completing the prior.

I would imagine that is common sense but you never know.

My opinion on therapy...you could get her involved in a self esteem, girl confidence building way without mentioning possible visits. It is helpful with mean girls too, and peer pressure. It won't hurt your daughter, and chances are she might find value in it, because she will feel like dad abandoned her at some point. Be proactive and maybe it won't be an explosion at age 16 with her looking for bad boys that treat her like crap because she has a daddy complex (oh wait, that was me).

Then if dad does file, you can introduce the issue with the existing therapist's help.

 

[LdiJ]

If I were in your position, as far as stepped up visitation, I would request that each step is fully completed before moving onto the next step. For example, 12 supervised visits within 4 months, then move to short alone visits for 6 months a certain number of times, then overnights at a year, or whatever makes sense as far as time frame. Clearly I don't know the "standard". Otherwise, absent dad could step up to the next level without completing the prior.

I would imagine that is common sense but you never know.

My opinion on therapy...you could get her involved in a self esteem, girl confidence building way without mentioning possible visits. It is helpful with mean girls too, and peer pressure. It won't hurt your daughter, and chances are she might find value in it, because she will feel like dad abandoned her at some point. Be proactive and maybe it won't be an explosion at age 16 with her looking for bad boys that treat her like crap because she has a daddy complex (oh wait, that was me).

Then if dad does file, you can introduce the issue with the existing therapist's help.

I can agree with that advice. It gets counseling started without setting up any expectations in the child's mind. However, the child won't understand why if the child is already well adjusted and doesn't have any issues with "mean girls", bullies or peer pressure.

 

[PlaysWithSharks]

I can agree with that advice. It gets counseling started without setting up any expectations in the child's mind. However, the child won't understand why if the child is already well adjusted and doesn't have any issues with "mean girls", bullies or peer pressure.

Good point. But gosh girls can be mean! 2 of my children are boy/ girl teen twins, and when I hear their conversations with friends there is such a difference over boys talking versus girls. We have the girl in therapy- precaution. My oldest didn't need it even with her dad issues.

This little one eventually could blame herself for dads absence and think something is wrong with her which would be such a shame.

 

[Ladyback1]

I can agree with that advice. It gets counseling started without setting up any expectations in the child's mind. However, the child won't understand why if the child is already well adjusted and doesn't have any issues with "mean girls", bullies or peer pressure.

Egads! When were you last in a middle school, or high school??

Middle school girls can be some of the meanest creatures on EARTH.

Even if the OP's daughter isn't the object of mean girls, bullies and/or peer pressure right now...It will be so helpful and useful in the future if she ever is the subject of bullying, mean girls or peer pressure!