grandparent suing for custody

[liandrajade]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NEW YORK

my mother is trying to take custody of my 7yr old daughter. i have issues between her and my husband they dont like each other.

quick background:3 kids in household, my stepson-7, my daughter-7 and their baby sister-8 mths old. husband is a police officer with the NYPD.

she tried to refuse to let me pick up my daughter and i had to have a police officer meet me at her house just for me to get her. I have sole legal custody, my child was visiting with her grandmother since its summer vacation. the officer on the scene told her she cannot withold my child, this is a domestic dispute and she will have to take this to court.

she filed a child abuse report against me and i had cps come to my house, along with police officers. it was a whole debacle. the preliminary police inspection showed nothing was wrong and they will be noting that in their report{which i have the report number and im waiting for a copy of it}

the cps worker also interviewed my husband and big daughter. I will be meeting with her tomorrow morning since i was at family court all day on wednesday getting a restraining order on the grandmother and i cant say to no end how much it SUCKS that im even having to say i had to do this....

the allegations were pretty nasty and im hurt that my mother is doing this to me just b/c she doesnt like my husband. she has also threatened to call his job and get him in trouble with internal affairs and state that he is abusing his children.

part of the allegations were: my husband hits me and the girls, he doesnt feed or take care of the girls, the house is unsanitary, there is no food in the house etc. also since i have pets, the animals are not taken care of etc.

now to be fair even though they are treating me sh**t, my daughter loves her grandparents, i know the courts are more than likely going to allow some type of visitation so i am going to deal with that...

my question is what to expect, has anyone else had to deal with the grandparent trying to do the same thing and what general advice does everyone have? there are lot more details to this situation i will bring up if anyone would like further detail. i just didnt want to type a huge long post here.

 

[Ohiogal]

DO NOT AGREE TO ANY COURT ORDERED VISITATION. Fight it out. Rushia who posts here had a grandparent visitation suit in NY and she can speak first hand about it but I am sure even she would agree that you should not agree to any of it. Where is your daughter's father?

 

[LdiJ]

DO NOT AGREE TO ANY COURT ORDERED VISITATION. Fight it out. Rushia who posts here had a grandparent visitation suit in NY and she can speak first hand about it but I am sure even she would agree that you should not agree to any of it. Where is your daughter's father?

You do not want to agree to any court ordered visitation because it is much harder to vacate the orders down the road if there are problems, when the orders are agreed orders. You want the judge to decide the case on its merits, and make a ruling based on its merits.

If they or their attorney asks for temporary orders, speak up and say that you believe that temporary orders would be a violation of your right to due process.

 

[liandrajade]

DO NOT AGREE TO ANY COURT ORDERED VISITATION. Fight it out. Rushia who posts here had a grandparent visitation suit in NY and she can speak first hand about it but I am sure even she would agree that you should not agree to any of it. Where is your daughter's father?

my childs biological father is in the army on active duty. he has been deployed since 2006, he emails me and calls me to check on his daughter. he has an active visitation agreement in effect.

now i dont want to be the bad person here, Im trying very hard to think about my child's needs, im sooo angry and hurt, i feel like ive been totally betrayed here but once again trying to be the better person and do whats right by my daughter...

im in tears writing this b/c i had to explain to my daughter yesterday why this lady was asking her if mommy and her step daddy hit her and dont feed her....its absolutely heartbreaking.. i had to say that some people are sayng mean things about mommy and daddy and that other people have to make sure she is ok....what in the hell do i say to my daughter about all this? all she knows is how her grandmother treats her, she doesnt know about the drama between me and my parents...she is a very smart little girl.

 

[Isis1]

my childs biological father is in the army on active duty. he has been deployed since 2006, he emails me and calls me to check on his daughter. he has an active visitation agreement in effect.

now i dont want to be the bad person here, Im trying very hard to think about my child's needs, im sooo angry and hurt, i feel like ive been totally betrayed here but once again trying to be the better person and do whats right by my daughter...

im in tears writing this b/c i had to explain to my daughter yesterday why this lady was asking her if mommy and her step daddy hit her and dont feed her....its absolutely heartbreaking.. i had to say that some people are sayng mean things about mommy and daddy and that other people have to make sure she is ok....what in the hell do i say to my daughter about all this? all she knows is how her grandmother treats her, she doesnt know about the drama between me and my parents...she is a very smart little girl.

this is what i told my kids after their dad made many false calls to CPS.....


"honey, people make surprise check up calls on children just to make sure they are being taken care of. just be honest, be truthful. nothing you say will get you in trouble. it's normal, it happens all the time. nothing you said or did means you did anything wrong. they just want to be sure you are taken care of."

 

[Ohiogal]

He would also have to be sued and be present. So guess what -- notihng can happen in court until he gets back and is able to be present. Soldiers and Sailors Act.

 

[Rushia]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NEW YORK

my mother is trying to take custody of my 7yr old daughter. i have issues between her and my husband they dont like each other.

quick background:3 kids in household, my stepson-7, my daughter-7 and their baby sister-8 mths old. husband is a police officer with the NYPD.

she tried to refuse to let me pick up my daughter and i had to have a police officer meet me at her house just for me to get her. I have sole legal custody, my child was visiting with her grandmother since its summer vacation. the officer on the scene told her she cannot withold my child, this is a domestic dispute and she will have to take this to court.

she filed a child abuse report against me and i had cps come to my house, along with police officers. it was a whole debacle. the preliminary police inspection showed nothing was wrong and they will be noting that in their report{which i have the report number and im waiting for a copy of it}

the cps worker also interviewed my husband and big daughter. I will be meeting with her tomorrow morning since i was at family court all day on wednesday getting a restraining order on the grandmother and i cant say to no end how much it SUCKS that im even having to say i had to do this....

the allegations were pretty nasty and im hurt that my mother is doing this to me just b/c she doesnt like my husband. she has also threatened to call his job and get him in trouble with internal affairs and state that he is abusing his children.

part of the allegations were: my husband hits me and the girls, he doesnt feed or take care of the girls, the house is unsanitary, there is no food in the house etc. also since i have pets, the animals are not taken care of etc.

now to be fair even though they are treating me sh**t, my daughter loves her grandparents, i know the courts are more than likely going to allow some type of visitation so i am going to deal with that...

my question is what to expect, has anyone else had to deal with the grandparent trying to do the same thing and what general advice does everyone have? there are lot more details to this situation i will bring up if anyone would like further detail. i just didnt want to type a huge long post here.

So long as all allegations have been proven false, she won't get custody.

It's not a guarantee that she would get visitation. Was the restraining order granted?

As previously mentioned: DO NOT agree to anything in mediation or court. Once you do, you cannot appeal and it will take more trips to court to change anything. Your oldest child's father will have to be sued as well and as OG mentions, it won't happen as he can evoke Sailor and Soldiers. Is she attempting visitation with the 8 month old?

Lastly, where in NY are you? Send me a pm with the area and I'll give you my phone number so you can call me if you want.

 

[liandrajade]

So long as all allegations have been proven false, she won't get custody.

It's not a guarantee that she would get visitation. Was the restraining order granted?

As previously mentioned: DO NOT agree to anything in mediation or court. Once you do, you cannot appeal and it will take more trips to court to change anything. Your oldest child's father will have to be sued as well and as OG mentions, it won't happen as he can evoke Sailor and Soldiers. Is she attempting visitation with the 8 month old?

Lastly, where in NY are you? Send me a pm with the area and I'll give you my phone number so you can call me if you want.

thank you so much, i appreciate your advice...im in long island new york, nassau county...

yes the restraining order was granted, we both have to appear back in nassau family court on 8/28.

to my knowledge, she has not said she is attempting visitation with the little one or trying to get custody of her, she is only concerned with getting my 7yr old.

the cps worker said that the allegations of child abuse were against BOTH CHILDREN, i am assuming it wold have looked very suspect to claim only one child is being abused not both...

the biological father of my 7yr old is on active duty in the army, he is currently stationed in Iraq.

 

[BL]

Sounds like GM is trying to get custody by using CPS , as the police officers found nothing when they came to your home of the allegations .

I imagine CPS will also find their report unfounded .

Even if CPS does find some of the allegations founded , the police didn't find any abuse or neglect on their check up , and any minor findings CPS would set up a plan to follow .

GM would NOT get custody ,and if the Judge is a stern one , like the one I and My GF had separate cases under , he/she would let the court room including GM know , no one is getting custody .

Then on to visitations .

As was said , do NOT agree to any visitations - NONE , even if pressured by the judge to come to agreements .

My GF had a nasty case with a nasty GM accusing her of A-Z and agreed to visits . It took 4-5 contempt petitions to end it . The emotional damage on the child was done .

As a side note , try not even letting the children know about court proceedings or the facts of it .

This is Adult matters.

I know they will wonder from being question , but someone mentioned a good explanation .

In the end if all is unfounded , the court will see it for what it is.

 

[LdiJ]

thank you so much, i appreciate your advice...im in long island new york, nassau county...

yes the restraining order was granted, we both have to appear back in nassau family court on 8/28.

to my knowledge, she has not said she is attempting visitation with the little one or trying to get custody of her, she is only concerned with getting my 7yr old.

the cps worker said that the allegations of child abuse were against BOTH CHILDREN, i am assuming it wold have looked very suspect to claim only one child is being abused not both...

the biological father of my 7yr old is on active duty in the army, he is currently stationed in Iraq.

Why doesn't your mother like your husband? Is there anything at all that he does that she could twist into something abusive in court?

I honestly don't think that she has any hope of getting anywhere with a custody case, and one would hope that any decent attorney would tell her that...and as someone else pointed out, she would have to include the child's father in the suit, and he can invoke the soldiers and sailors relief act.

However, on the offset that she gets an attorney who is willing to waste her money...its best to be prepared to defend whatever she might throw out there.

 

[Rushia]

Why doesn't your mother like your husband? Is there anything at all that he does that she could twist into something abusive in court?

I honestly don't think that she has any hope of getting anywhere with a custody case, and one would hope that any decent attorney would tell her that...and as someone else pointed out, she would have to include the child's father in the suit, and he can invoke the soldiers and sailors relief act.

However, on the offset that she gets an attorney who is willing to waste her money...its best to be prepared to defend whatever she might throw out there.

Ugh, mine tried to use my DH against me. Didn't work. My attorney objected to everything they threw out there and in the end, the judge agreed that DH wasn't abusive and they were making mountains out of molehills.

 

[liandrajade]

Why doesn't your mother like your husband? QUOTE]

to answer why here is some more background, the person who should really have a problem is my husband, my husband is not an angel nor perfect, he has no qualms about saying whats on his mind and is very straightforward about everything which is what lead to my mom's issues with him. dont know if its more she didnt like how he said something or the fact that what he said was true and she didnt like it...

i owned a house with my parents until may '07. my name was on the title, deed and mortgage to the house. when i got engaged to my husband, we started house hunting and at first found a perfect 2 family house. the reason for looking for a 2 family house was b/c my parents wouldnt have been able to keep paying the mortgage without my income and my daughter was used to having her grandparents around.

the house we liked the deal fell thru b/c the seller had no proper permits and paperwork for the work she did on the house, the entire 2nd floor of the house was completely illegal, she never paid taxes on it etc. so of course the mortgage bank is not going to approve a loan on a house with legal paperwork issues. i got screwed bc i was already signed into a deal to sell my house and if i didnt go thru with the sale the buyer was going to sue me.

we found a different house and it wasnt to my parents liking but since the house was already sold they had to move in with me anyway...

soooo here is where the issues really start between my parents and husband:

during the closing sale paperwork,the lawyer wrote the checks out to my dad instead of me, who was the primary owner/mortgagee...HE SPENT THE MONEY he promised to me and my husband to put towards the new house. so my husband and mother in law had to foot the entire down payment.

fast forward again....wedding is over, we've all moved in, they{my parents} are supposed to be helping with their share of the mortgage and also help us with the kids, childcare, take them to school if we were working etc....

slowly they start backing out of their end of the deal, constantly complaining they dont like the house, why do they have to pay so much etc...husband is already pissed off b/c they already reneged on their original promise and stuck us in a financial hole....eventually husband flipped out and said he is tired of their complaining and bitching, that with everything they did they really need to stop complaining...they didnt like that and moved out dec 07...he let them come with us only b/c of me and how i didnt want to leave them in the dirt behind...he knows how loyal i am and that is one of my biggest strengths and weaknesses....

so from jan 08 to now, my mom has been taking my daughter back and forth between my house and hers, picks her up weeks at a time which i was ok with bc i know it was going to be hard on both my child and her...i made it clear in the beginning that eventually this was going to stop but i felt bad for my daughter, i was more concerned on how she felt etc...

my mom had promised to help pay for my big daughters day care since she knew she had caused me a financial issue by moving out....but that promise was worth nothing and the same thing again...my daughter got kicked out of an after school care program b.c my mom wasnt paying and they got tired of it...this was absolutely humiliating....i had to get another care provider which now both children go to.....so on top of her moving out on me and everything else i got pregnant march 08 with the baby and b/c of complications ended going out on maternity leave early...i was out of work from nov 08-feb 09, my husband had to work overtime like a dog to pay everything, they never helped me out at all except paying the $138.00/mth for my big daughters after school care...

now same thing again... she promised to help me b/c of the new addition but now has screwed me again and has NOT paid the babysitter for my big daughters portion of the tuition for june and july. i now have to pay that portion in 2 weeks when i get paid again...

i tried to be a good daughter and not bitch her out for all this but i had to put my foot down when she bounced the check for june's tuition and still hasnt paid july.... i believe this is where she took her psycho turn and started custody proceedings against me b/c i said enough is enough...

when i told my mother what she was doing is bullsh**t and im coming to get my daughter, she told me she refuses to give my daughter over to me, if i try to show up she is calling the cops and i will not see my daughter until i take her to court....so i had to have the police escort me to pick up my own child and that freaked her[my child} out

 

[LdiJ]

Well, you have definitely made some mistakes along the way...in particular giving your parents a greater sense of entitlement where your daughter is concerned...and mixing finances way too much. You should have each gone your own way, housing wise, when you married.

However, what is done is done in that respect. You need to understand that you and your husband need to cover your own bills, including your daughter's after school care, to eliminate those issues.

Your parents still cannot get custody of your daughter, but in NY there is a better than decent chance that they would get court ordered visitation, considering the circumstances.

They don't like your husband because they believe that he has taken you and your loyalty away from them. They would rather have things the way that they were before you got married. They know they cannot have that, so their next best choice is to have custody of your daughter. They tried to do it the cheap way by getting CPS involved, and that failed them, so now they may go the court route, but that will fail them as well.

 

[liandrajade]

Well, you have definitely made some mistakes along the way...in particular giving your parents a greater sense of entitlement where your daughter is concerned...and mixing finances way too much. You should have each gone your own way, housing wise, when you married.

However, what is done is done in that respect. You need to understand that you and your husband need to cover your own bills, including your daughter's after school care, to eliminate those issues.

Your parents still cannot get custody of your daughter, but in NY there is a better than decent chance that they would get court ordered visitation, considering the circumstances.

They don't like your husband because they believe that he has taken you and your loyalty away from them. They would rather have things the way that they were before you got married. They know they cannot have that, so their next best choice is to have custody of your daughter. They tried to do it the cheap way by getting CPS involved, and that failed them, so now they may go the court route, but that will fail them as well.

keep in mind the reasons for trying to keep the extended family together was b/c of my stupid loyalty to my family, i was trying to be a good daughter ironically after all, what child doesnt worry about their parents? ....yep, im pretty much kicking myself in the ass about what you wrote above b/c its true but i was trying to give my mom a chance to makeup for the problems she caused but instead added more to the vicious little circle...well i will keep everyone posted, please feel free to offer advice and ask anymore questions, thanks to all who posted already, its much appreciated, i am just going to take it a day at a time and not spazz....

 

[LdiJ]

keep in mind the reasons for trying to keep the extended family together was b/c of my stupid loyalty to my family, i was trying to be a good daughter ironically after all, what child doesnt worry about their parents? ....yep, im pretty much kicking myself in the ass about what you wrote above b/c its true but i was trying to give my mom a chance to makeup for the problems she caused but instead added more to the vicious little circle...well i will keep everyone posted, please feel free to offer advice and ask anymore questions, thanks to all who posted already, its much appreciated, i am just going to take it a day at a time and not spazz....

The bolded is a VERY smart attitude to have...otherwise it could drive you nuts.