I don't understand...

[TNBSMommy]

What is the name of your state?TN
Quick recap....March 15, 2002 we went to court to enforce cs. In mediation ex was told a six week review would be set, if he had paid those six weeks, there would be no review, but if he missed any payments, we would have to go back. Review date was MAy 3, 2002. No cs payments were made, BF did not show up. A warrant was issued, and a new date was set for July 19, 2002. BF showed up and two names before ours he tells the bailiff he had to go to the bathroom, never returns. Judge issued another warrant. New court date Sept. 6, 2002. He showed up, the judge told him if he missed one payment a mittimus would issue. Our court paper is worded:
"It is therefore ordered, adjudged and decreed: Respondent is in willful and deliberate contempt in failing to comply with this courts orders. Respondent shall be committed to the ***** County Jail for:
a period of not more than six months or until such time as the respondent, who has the ability to purge, shall comply with the orders of this court by: pay $96.00 each week. IF one payment is missed a mittimus shall issue." That payment was missed as of Jan. 26, 2003. The mittimus issued JAn. 30, 2003. I finally get him picked up May 4,2004. I was told by CS office that he would have to pay the entire amount. I don't know if it was the $21,990 set as of the sept. courtdate or the current amount which is roughly 27,000. I found out yesterday he got out on by paying a $500. bond. I don't understand how he could get out on that, the judge specifically said he would have to pay the entire amount and that is also what the cse said on Wed. Has anyone ever gone through this? And if so, have any ideas how he managed to get off once again so easily???
Also, the copy of the mittimus I have says "six months in jail, or pay the CSO amount set by court"
Thanks in advance.

 

[tigger22472]

I don't have any advice or know much about it. Just wanted to express that it sucks!! He can come up with 500$ in 3 days but can't come up with 96$ in 7? I love it when people who have never gone through this say how easy it is to get someone on back payments...YEAH OK. The local governments make these big deals about how they go after deadbeats and if they get someone who owes thousands and thousands they announce it like they did something when in reality they didn't do anything. Generally, like in your case you did all the leg work to get him arrested... they didn't do anything. It is always the CP who has to find out everything and is told if they don't know where the NCP works or lives or whatever there's nothing CSE can do. The sad part is the NCP's who say get laid off and get behind a bit or something happens and they get behind are the ones they nail. I'm talking about the ones that pays it religously and then hits a snag by no fault of their own. It's a screwed up system.. but know that you aren't alone in this!

 

[coolmomof4]

I don't understand the laws either. I took my ex to court for non payment several years ago. He owed almost $1800. By the time the court date rolled around he was already in jail for something else. The judge told him he could avoid serving time on the CS charge if he paid it in full, or else go to jail for 30 days. Of course, he opted for jail. Why not? He was already serving time for something unrelated. The judge even allowed it to be served concurrent with the other charge. Meaning, he didn't get any more time than he would have otherwise.

That was in 1996. Since then, I've never received one penny from him.

 

[tigger22472]

I don't understand the laws either. I took my ex to court for non payment several years ago. He owed almost $1800. By the time the court date rolled around he was already in jail for something else. The judge told him he could avoid serving time on the CS charge if he paid it in full, or else go to jail for 30 days. Of course, he opted for jail. Why not? He was already serving time for something unrelated. The judge even allowed it to be served concurrent with the other charge. Meaning, he didn't get any more time than he would have otherwise.

That was in 1996. Since then, I've never received one penny from him.

and the crappy thing is the court sees that as a victory that they got him. People feel differently about the whole jail issue but I think it's VERY well warrented on the ones who ACTIVELY avoid paying the support. That doesn't count what they do to the kids. My ex would contact when the state found him. He would quit his job 3 weeks later and not contact again. It put such an emotional toll on my kids with his in and out attitude. Mine is over 23,000 behind and I can't even get the county to file charges on him. The most I got was his license suspended. They can't even get him served to go to court to answer why he's not paying. I don't understand people like that though. My ex will never ever get his life in order, he would rather not work and make something of his life so that he didn't have to pay child support. What is even sadder is that is these are the same people who try to later in life convince the kids that that CP is the bad guy when everything they do to the kids... THEY do themselves.. WE Cp's don't have to make them look bad... they do it all on their own.

 

[coolmomof4]

So true. And one source of comfort is knowing that one day the kids will be old enough to understand.

 

[tigger22472]

So true. And one source of comfort is knowing that one day the kids will be old enough to understand.

Yep.. and mine are getting to be that age. A few weeks ago I sat them down (13 and 10) and talked to them because we were having the home study done from the welfare department for my husband to adopt them. The conversation was JUST going to be to let them know that a letter was sent to bio-dad and he was given 30 days to contest and he didn't. I know how the ex works. He'll wait until he thinks he's free and clear on the support and find them and tell them he didn't know about the adoption and I'm sure a bundle of other lies. I wanted them to know that he DID know and wanted them to know NOW so years later they'll remember. They asked a lot of questions about things that I have NEVER told them pertaining to CS, Visitation, things the bio said to me, to them, and even how I REALLY feel about him...LOL (lordy it was good to get off my chest ... and I even did it in a good way..LOL) It was the best conversation we'd had and I feel confident knowing that in years to come they really do realize that my husband and I did what it took to help bio have a relationship with them and it was HIS choice not to.

 

[coolmomof4]

I can't wait for that day! We had to field some questions yesterday because my stepson's biomom/ncp was upset and crying on the phone that he "broke his promise" and didn't send her a mother's day card. He was hysterical.

 

[tigger22472]

The best thing I learned to do with my kids was to talk logical with them. When the ex would talk to them they would ask why he didnt' come see them and he would tell them it was because of me. They would always come to me after speaking to him(I never drilled them on what he said, they came to me) and they would say for example what he said about not seeing them. I would say. "When you were seeing him, who took you?" "you did mom"... 'And who picked you up?" "you did, mom" I would then explain that if I didn't want him to see them I wouldn't of done that. They would say he said things like he owned his own business, had built a house.. (all kinds of outragous things) and I would just ask them if they believed that... and then ask them why or why not. I let THEM come to their own conclusions and never gave my opinion. It has SO worked for me. When we had our talk a few weeks ago they both told me they had only heard me say ONE bad thing to their dad in front of them and NEVER anything bad about him to them. I remember the one time I did mouth off to the ex and I felt very small and never did it again. My children laugh because the ex tells me and them that they love him more then me and always will.

 

[TNBSMommy]

I know what you all mean.. It is so frustrating. I have done my very best to be non judgemental when talking to my kids about what was going on. I made it clear to them that the judge gave daddy plenty of chances(apparently not enough though) I even made sure to reassure them that their daddy still loves them, then my ex called from jail and gave my daughter this big sob story about how he would miss his other daughters birthday, and first day of school, and our daughters play(mentioned nothing of our SON who is in the same play~Another thing that irks me, playing favorites.) and that mommy put him there and mommy wouldn't let him out. She told me she felt bad for everything he would miss, but she understood what he was doing was wrong. It makes me so mad that I am trying soooo hard to be nice about it, and not let them hear me say negative things about him, and he says hateful things about me all the freaking time. It does nothing but hurt the kids. And of course it is ALL my fault. Even though as far as I am concerned, he won, he got off AGAIN!!And if he got off on a bond, then that means I get nothing, the kids get nothing.

My kids are also getting to where they see who is trying and who isn't, their reaction when I told them he was out of jail was" What happened, I thought he was gonna be there for six months!" Not happiness, no excitement, just matter of fact. But then they didn't get upset when they found out he was in jail either...go figure.
I wish I didn't have to wait till monday to find out what happened. And I absolutely hate that he gets away with everything once again...

 

[tigger22472]

Don't look at it as him winning. He might of won this battle but in the end you will win the war. The kids are already seeing what he's doing and how you are the one there for them.

I think the best time I ever had was the last time my ex contacted in April of 02. He told the kids he owed his own business and had built his own house and even asked ONE of the kids if they wanted to live with him. When they hung up the phone they were hilariously laughing at him. One of them even said..."Did you hear? That loser asked if I wanted to live with him".. Now, some might find it wrong that I didn't correct him or tell him he shouldn't call his dad a loser but you know what? I think I've done good enough. I never said what I really thought of him and what he's done.

Back in 2000 my youngest asked me why his daddy didn't love him. I was tired of trying to make excuses for him so I simply had him CALL his dad and ask him. Trust me... the ex wasn't happy with me... (like I cared).

I have promised my kids that when they turn 18 if they want to find their bio dad I will give them all info I have and will help them but I've also armed them with the info they need to protect them so that he doesn't suck them right back in.

 

[TNBSMommy]

It is nice to know I am not alone.. I know I'm not but it makes it easier to actually hear it from other parents. I am just so tired of fighting. I'm getting to the point where I am wondering what it is worth. The courts issue orders, I do all the work to enforce them(look how long it took me to GET him picked up) and they just let him off. Like they are saying "Oh, ok, Im sure you REALLY mean it this time, last time doesnt count." My daughter tells me all the time that her daddy is a liar. She hates to ask him anything b/c she says"All he does is lie to me, you ask him momma, he tells you the truth" And I'm thinking, NOOO he doesn't. I cant beat the truth out of him.He called yesterday and said on the voicemail "HEy baby, I just called to tell you if you want to come over this weekend, you can" Nothing about our son(and that is how I found out he was out of jail) Well, my daughter didnt want to go, b/c of mother's day, I tried to call him back, but he didn't answer... I was going to offer last night till today, but oh well, guess he didn't want to see them that bad. She called him today, I guess their car broke down on the way home from jail...I call that poetic justice...And told him next weekend. I am being good, I am not with holding visitation, but it kills me b/c the kids don't really want to go, they love their dad, but they dont like going to his house..

And my son just doesnt like him at all. He could really care less. All my ex and my arguements about the kids has ALWAYS been about our daughter. He doesnt seem to even remember half the time that his son exsists... he is a poor excuse for a father and makes the good ones look bad..

 

[tigger22472]

I gave up fighting for the CS a long time ago. I get lucky though.. my ex doesn't contact cuz he knows I will turn him in for CS. I also live over a hour away from him and he won't make the effort to come here. I have only kept in touch with CSE through e-mail every few months which has helped me. I went on assistance when my current husband had an accident for a few months. It helped showing I had a open case and have tried to get cS. It also worked well for me when we filed for the step-parent adoption. If he would of contested it all they had to do is look and see that I have 'tried' to get him for support. What I find the saddest though is this man is allowing another man to adopt his children simply because he doesn't want to support them.
It sounds to me as if your ex only has contact to aggrevate you..and that's even sadder....

Gotta ask.. How many times have YOU kicked yourself for hooking up with him in the first place? I used to do it daily...LOL

 

[TNBSMommy]

Oh, Tigger, I have kicked myself regularly.. Have wondered what was I thinking, and why didn't I listen to everyone else? However, now I only think of that when I am fighting for cs, or I see what he does to our children. And when I do wonder, my kids do something silly, and I think how much I love them. And even though he has put me through so much, I have to tell myself that without him I wouldnt have the two kids I have today, and I wouldnt trade them for the world.
I do wish sometimes he would just go away. And not come back.


Anyhow, Happy Mother's Day!!!

 

[tigger22472]

Happy Mother's Day to you to!

I definately know what you mean. I spent 10 years of my life with my ex and the ONLY things good that came out of it were my kids. I remember leaving the lawyer's office with my mom and telling her she had ONE shot to say "I told you so".

Going away and not coming back is hard too because the wonder why and how a parent can do that. I've had to had my oldest son in counseling for it and it's taken him over 2 years to 'get past' it and I'm sure it's not completely. The only way that going away would work is if they literally COULDN"T come back. I've wished for that more then I can count. I just keep trying to remind myself that my kids have learned from this and know how it feels so when they are older and have kids of their own they won't be that way.

 

[TNBSMommy]

I have said for years now that the only things good my ex and I ever did was our daughter and son. I wish mine would make up his mind about whether he wants to be around or not. It is so hard on the kids. Just decide one way or the other. I have told him that before, over and over...and still he keeps doing this. The one thing though, I think speaks volumes is when my kids are at his house, even if only for one night, they call me every day, If they leave my house at six, they will call at 9, on their way to bed to tell me they love me, and miss me and good night. When they are here, pretty much the only time they ever talk to him is when they call to find out why he didn't show up to get them. He never calls here just to talk to them and they never ask to call him. MAYBE every once in a while, they want to call him. And I think it drives him nuts that our kids and I are so close... I just think, well, he has had that oppurtunity, and blew it time and time again.... My husband and I have been talking about trying to get his rights terminated. Part of me wants to try for it, and part of me says no, they are his children... So that is something I am playing around with, but have not made up my mind yet... we will see, I guess....hope you are having a wonderful day today!