I know...I'm asking for it but

[swtwilma]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? AZ

I know that this is going to be open season on me and I know all the "typical" answers, but I am at an impass.

Those of you that have seen my other post know that my kdis have a very interesting step mom. I am getting tired of hearing my 7 and 9 year old say they are bad boys. Tired of them crying to me about going to dad's because dad isn't home and step mom is only. I am so sick of my ex's new wife destroying the relationship that he has with our kids to the point of my kids seriously kicking and screaming when I drop them off.

Dad finally did something that I never thought he would do and called me to come get them on his time. (a first in 4 years). My kids are getting older and more vocal and are starting to speak their minds at their dads house (another first). My heart is breaking because their dad seems to put many other things before our children (mainly his new family) and tells them that they don't have a choice. (Mind you I do somewhat agree, but they are so miserable to the point of waking up and sneaking the phone to call me at 1230 am since they are not permited to talk to me during waking hours).

I don't want my children to hate their dad and ALWAYS encourage time with dad, but it seems latley that they have had it. The psychologist told me point blank the other day that it may be in my best interest to change the parenting time so that the kids only are with Dad when he is home. She was cryptic, but it worried me on so many different levels.

We changed the parenting time 1.5 years ago and it seems a little early to go to court to change it again and Dad will not have it regardless of reasoning since his new wife is furious that "they" have to pay 187 a month in child support for three kids. She actually told me the other day in email that I could be expecting a new order to modify time so they could have them more since they should not have to pay me anything.

I am so frustrated and fed up with this and don't want to have to go back to court yet again. I almost wish they would attempt to modify then I wouldn't be the one pushing the envelope.

AHHHH sick of my hands being tied and trying to always do the right thing in a loosing battle. Any advice will be helpful even if to just ease my mind.

 

[Ohiogal]

You don't want to push the envelope even though a psychologist is advising you to change the court order so that time with stepmom is limited?

Time to talk to the psychologist and find out EXACTLY why she recommended that. You need to know.

Also modify for a right of first refusal. Of course that would go both ways.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? AZ

I know that this is going to be open season on me and I know all the "typical" answers, but I am at an impass.

Those of you that have seen my other post know that my kdis have a very interesting step mom. I am getting tired of hearing my 7 and 9 year old say they are bad boys. Tired of them crying to me about going to dad's because dad isn't home and step mom is only. I am so sick of my ex's new wife destroying the relationship that he has with our kids to the point of my kids seriously kicking and screaming when I drop them off.

Dad finally did something that I never thought he would do and called me to come get them on his time. (a first in 4 years). My kids are getting older and more vocal and are starting to speak their minds at their dads house (another first). My heart is breaking because their dad seems to put many other things before our children (mainly his new family) and tells them that they don't have a choice. (Mind you I do somewhat agree, but they are so miserable to the point of waking up and sneaking the phone to call me at 1230 am since they are not permited to talk to me during waking hours).

I don't want my children to hate their dad and ALWAYS encourage time with dad, but it seems latley that they have had it. The psychologist told me point blank the other day that it may be in my best interest to change the parenting time so that the kids only are with Dad when he is home. She was cryptic, but it worried me on so many different levels.

We changed the parenting time 1.5 years ago and it seems a little early to go to court to change it again and Dad will not have it regardless of reasoning since his new wife is furious that "they" have to pay 187 a month in child support for three kids. She actually told me the other day in email that I could be expecting a new order to modify time so they could have them more since they should not have to pay me anything.

I am so frustrated and fed up with this and don't want to have to go back to court yet again. I almost wish they would attempt to modify then I wouldn't be the one pushing the envelope.

AHHHH sick of my hands being tied and trying to always do the right thing in a loosing battle. Any advice will be helpful even if to just ease my mind.

Mom...this is an "out there" suggestion, but if you are only receiving 187 a month for three kids, could you consider making a deal with dad to drop child support if he will agree to a schedule that has him taking visitation only when he can be present for it?

That would take care of the concerns for the boys, and take a lot of wind out of stepmom's sails.

 

[wileybunch]

Has the family to include new spouses on each side ever gone into counseling over the kids' adjustment issues, not with a goal to have less time, but to make the time there work out a little bit better? That would be the logical step, but maybe that's already been done.

 

[swtwilma]

Yes they have tried to be involved in therapy etc, but it lasts about one time and then step mom tells the dr that she is wrong about everything and then she refuses to go back. We go as a family as well, ex, me and kids. That helped until the kids told their dad their feelings about step mom and then he wouldn't go anymore and shut down.

The no child support thing has been tried before...that didn't work.

I actually have a first right of refusal written in our court order, but ahhh we ammended and when I bring that up he says that was the OLD court order. The kicker is that the new one states that this is an ammendment and all other parts of the plan stay the same except the time changes and a few other things he wanted in there to do with religion. It doesn't cross out the first right of refusal since that was not addressed in the new ammendment. I ask every single time to watch them when he is at work or school but he is very much wanting the kids to be with his new wife and their 3 (yes three) other babies. I always, and I mean ALWAYS ask if he would like the kids if I have to work. He is usually not home or will decline. It is rare that I need it though since I only work 3 days a week and two of those are his days and one day they are in school.

The kids have expressed to him, step mom, me, dr, and anyone who will listen how frustrated they are. They are now becoming more upset with dad for "not hearing them".

I actully am meeting with ex to discuss holiday time and school activities this week so maybe I will gently bring it up.

I did call the Dr and she said that she wanted to talk to me during an office visit. I am more nervous now, but the kids are with me so I can sleep better. Until the appointment.

 

[wileybunch]

Yes they have tried to be involved in therapy etc, but it lasts about one time and then step mom tells the dr that she is wrong about everything and then she refuses to go back. We go as a family as well, ex, me and kids. That helped until the kids told their dad their feelings about step mom and then he wouldn't go anymore and shut down.

The no child support thing has been tried before...that didn't work.

I actually have a first right of refusal written in our court order, but ahhh we ammended and when I bring that up he says that was the OLD court order. The kicker is that the new one states that this is an ammendment and all other parts of the plan stay the same except the time changes and a few other things he wanted in there to do with religion. It doesn't cross out the first right of refusal since that was not addressed in the new ammendment. I ask every single time to watch them when he is at work or school but he is very much wanting the kids to be with his new wife and their 3 (yes three) other babies. I always, and I mean ALWAYS ask if he would like the kids if I have to work. He is usually not home or will decline. It is rare that I need it though since I only work 3 days a week and two of those are his days and one day they are in school.

The kids have expressed to him, step mom, me, dr, and anyone who will listen how frustrated they are. They are now becoming more upset with dad for "not hearing them".

I actully am meeting with ex to discuss holiday time and school activities this week so maybe I will gently bring it up.

I did call the Dr and she said that she wanted to talk to me during an office visit. I am more nervous now, but the kids are with me so I can sleep better. Until the appointment.

Oh, I wasn't suggesting all people be there together. In fact, I think the counselor should be meeting with the parties separately. I think a group grope, especially if it's really about one person, is a bad idea. But, I'm not an expert, just thinking through situations and how I can't see that working. These kids have 3 half siblings at their other home. I think exercising a ROFR under these circumstances is a bad idea, really. What exactly is causing the kids to constantly complain and sneak phone calls after midnight?

 

[swtwilma]

My ex has two new children and adopted his step son.

I do not know for sure why my children are so upset other than what they tell me. I know that they sometime embelish things so I have to ONLY listen, but it is pretty accurate based on history, things dad and step mom say and based on things that other adults tell me.

The main issues seems to be scapegoating...my kids get the brunt of most things to the point of my daughter (who usually can't stand her brothers) complains to me about it.

Hot sauce being forced in their mouths for punishment and then being made to sit with it in there for long periods of time without water or food (6 hrs +). (step mom and dad both told me about this not the kids)

Step mom telling the kids that their mom is crazy, unstable, a horrible mom and that no one loves them as much as she does???? My kids overhearing conversations that she wishes I would die.

My kids being forced to call step mom "mom" and if they do not are punished with hot sauce in the mouth.

Being told they are bad children and are nothing compaired to her children.

Told they are wicked for loving me because I am a horrible person and going to hell.

Telling them that one day they will have them all of the time because their mom doesn't really know what is good for them and god will make sure of this.

Being told by step moms parents that they are worthless and nothing compaired to their "real" grandchildren.

Punished by sitting outside (115 F) on the pavement for not behaving with out water or shade.

Oh man the list could go on and the things that are said are beyond what I could even imagine. My son said tonight when he got home that he has been waiting every minute to be back with me (only the weekend). I just held him and tried not to cry. My daughter said to me after she heard him say this that they are miserable at dads. I try so hard not to quiz them about what goes on there, but I did ask why. She told me that my 7 year old tried to run away. That is why he called me at 1230 am so I would come get him and their dad caught him. She didn't tell me what happened but she did tell me that he never wants to go there ever again. I did tell the kids that if they ever need to tell me anything I am there to help them.

When we go to see a counciler, we go in shifts. Sometimes it is all of us. Sometimes one on one. Kids go alone etc. Each apt is based on what the counciler suggests for the next. It goes well until the kids tell their dad how they feel then he shuts down.

On a side note, CPS has been called (not by me) but by people that know them due to the treatment of my children, and thier other children. When the CPS worked showed up at dads house he said that they would have to contact his lawyer. The CPS worker then called me to meet with me. I invited her in to my home and she stated that her hands were tied with dad. She stated that when people state that their lawyer must be contacted that their hands are tied and it is VERY difficult for them to do anything else based on public funding.

Reasoning with my ex (well really his new wife) is like reasoning with a rock.

I guess I just wait and see what the Dr says and go from there....but I am pretty sure the kids have told her what they have told me.

What would you guys do?

 

[LdiJ]

My ex has two new children and adopted his step son.

I do not know for sure why my children are so upset other than what they tell me. I know that they sometime embelish things so I have to ONLY listen, but it is pretty accurate based on history, things dad and step mom say and based on things that other adults tell me.

The main issues seems to be scapegoating...my kids get the brunt of most things to the point of my daughter (who usually can't stand her brothers) complains to me about it.

Hot sauce being forced in their mouths for punishment and then being made to sit with it in there for long periods of time without water or food (6 hrs +). (step mom and dad both told me about this not the kids)

Step mom telling the kids that their mom is crazy, unstable, a horrible mom and that no one loves them as much as she does???? My kids overhearing conversations that she wishes I would die.

My kids being forced to call step mom "mom" and if they do not are punished with hot sauce in the mouth.

Being told they are bad children and are nothing compaired to her children.

Told they are wicked for loving me because I am a horrible person and going to hell.

Telling them that one day they will have them all of the time because their mom doesn't really know what is good for them and god will make sure of this.

Being told by step moms parents that they are worthless and nothing compaired to their "real" grandchildren.

Punished by sitting outside (115 F) on the pavement for not behaving with out water or shade.

Oh man the list could go on and the things that are said are beyond what I could even imagine. My son said tonight when he got home that he has been waiting every minute to be back with me (only the weekend). I just held him and tried not to cry. My daughter said to me after she heard him say this that they are miserable at dads. I try so hard not to quiz them about what goes on there, but I did ask why. She told me that my 7 year old tried to run away. That is why he called me at 1230 am so I would come get him and their dad caught him. She didn't tell me what happened but she did tell me that he never wants to go there ever again. I did tell the kids that if they ever need to tell me anything I am there to help them.

When we go to see a counciler, we go in shifts. Sometimes it is all of us. Sometimes one on one. Kids go alone etc. Each apt is based on what the counciler suggests for the next. It goes well until the kids tell their dad how they feel then he shuts down.

On a side note, CPS has been called (not by me) but by people that know them due to the treatment of my children, and thier other children. When the CPS worked showed up at dads house he said that they would have to contact his lawyer. The CPS worker then called me to meet with me. I invited her in to my home and she stated that her hands were tied with dad. She stated that when people state that their lawyer must be contacted that their hands are tied and it is VERY difficult for them to do anything else based on public funding.

Reasoning with my ex (well really his new wife) is like reasoning with a rock.

I guess I just wait and see what the Dr says and go from there....but I am pretty sure the kids have told her what they have told me.

What would you guys do?

Your only viable choice is to take it back to court, with the counselor to testify, to ask for a modification of the orders.

 

[AkersTile]

My ex has two new children and adopted his step son.

I do not know for sure why my children are so upset other than what they tell me. I know that they sometime embelish things so I have to ONLY listen, but it is pretty accurate based on history, things dad and step mom say and based on things that other adults tell me.

The main issues seems to be scapegoating...my kids get the brunt of most things to the point of my daughter (who usually can't stand her brothers) complains to me about it.

Hot sauce being forced in their mouths for punishment and then being made to sit with it in there for long periods of time without water or food (6 hrs +). (step mom and dad both told me about this not the kids)


That is BS! Hopefully they don't find out the hard way that one of the kids is allergic to Hot Sauce. (My Mom did with me.)


Step mom telling the kids that their mom is crazy, unstable, a horrible mom and that no one loves them as much as she does???? My kids overhearing conversations that she wishes I would die.


She is allowed to have her own opinion, but needs to keep it to herself where ANY child can her, not just yours.


My kids being forced to call step mom "mom" and if they do not are punished with hot sauce in the mouth.


That is also BS! My husband gave my stepkids the choice as far as what to call me & their Mom's boyfriend (not married, but they have been together a while.) I know most of you don't agree with that. But I definitely don't agree with forcing them to call StepMom "Mom" and punishing them whn they don't. My Stepkids call me Mom, Christie, Santa, Hey You, whatever pops into their heads. I don't care. I know who they're talking to.


Being told they are bad children and are nothing compaired to her children.


Are her children made out of gold or something? ALL children are good children regardless of how much we may want to hang them from the ceiling fan by their toes sometimes. Noone shlould ever tell a child they are a BAD child. Their action is bad, not them.


Told they are wicked for loving me because I am a horrible person and going to hell.

Telling them that one day they will have them all of the time because their mom doesn't really know what is good for them and god will make sure of this.

Being told by step moms parents that they are worthless and nothing compaired to their "real" grandchildren.


Then her parents don't need to have anyy contact with them. If they can't treat all of their grandchildren, blood or not, the same, then they don't need to hurt them.


Punished by sitting outside (115 F) on the pavement for not behaving with out water or shade.


That is actually really dangerous. They could have heat stroke, sun stroke, all kids of things could happen. Even 2nd-3rd degree sunburns (happened to my nephew)


Oh man the list could go on and the things that are said are beyond what I could even imagine. My son said tonight when he got home that he has been waiting every minute to be back with me (only the weekend). I just held him and tried not to cry. My daughter said to me after she heard him say this that they are miserable at dads. I try so hard not to quiz them about what goes on there, but I did ask why. She told me that my 7 year old tried to run away. That is why he called me at 1230 am so I would come get him and their dad caught him. She didn't tell me what happened but she did tell me that he never wants to go there ever again. I did tell the kids that if they ever need to tell me anything I am there to help them.

When we go to see a counciler, we go in shifts. Sometimes it is all of us. Sometimes one on one. Kids go alone etc. Each apt is based on what the counciler suggests for the next. It goes well until the kids tell their dad how they feel then he shuts down.

On a side note, CPS has been called (not by me) but by people that know them due to the treatment of my children, and thier other children. When the CPS worked showed up at dads house he said that they would have to contact his lawyer. The CPS worker then called me to meet with me. I invited her in to my home and she stated that her hands were tied with dad. She stated that when people state that their lawyer must be contacted that their hands are tied and it is VERY difficult for them to do anything else based on public funding.

Reasoning with my ex (well really his new wife) is like reasoning with a rock.

I guess I just wait and see what the Dr says and go from there....but I am pretty sure the kids have told her what they have told me.

What would you guys do?

Based on this, would OP have the right to stop kids from going to Dad's until court hearing? Or would that look bad to the judge? I am a StepMom and I think this psycho is severely overstepping her bounds.

Ok how do you put the quote in gray and your response in white? This is not working out for me. LOL

 

[swtwilma]

If the first right of refusal is still in the court order maybe contempt against him would make him see the light.

I think I will try that first. I was told by a lawyer once that this was hard to enforce with half siblings in the other home. That is why I have been hesitant to go that way.

I spoke with his lawyer today (finishing up arrearages) but he asked me if I needed anything from them since I represent myself. I mentioned that I would most likely be sending them another motion this week. And I quote "Good for you hun. I don't know how you deal with step mom. Let us know if you need anything." Obviously they have seen firsthand step mom in action. Sounds like they may need a new lawyer.

Thank you for all your feedback. I sometimes feel when I read this site that my problems are so petty since I have enough money, a home, car, healthy kids, a job, family that loves and supports me, and an ex husband that is not in jail or a drug addict. I guess seeing your child hurting is a universal emotion we all try to avoid regardless of circumstance.

 

[swtwilma]

Based on this, would OP have the right to stop kids from going to Dad's until court hearing? Or would that look bad to the judge? I am a StepMom and I think this psycho is severely overstepping her bounds.

I would not stop the kids from going that would be a violation of court order. I have no "real" proof other than words at this point. I have to be patient and wait for the counciler and go from there.

I am a step parent too and that makes it even harder because I would never ever treat my step sweeties that way. My step kids, my new husband and my husbands ex wife have brought more joy to my life than I could have ever asked for. I love and respect all of them and the roles we all have in raising our kids.

 

[LdiJ]

I would not stop the kids from going that would be a violation of court order. I have no "real" proof other than words at this point. I have to be patient and wait for the counciler and go from there.

I am a step parent too and that makes it even harder because I would never ever treat my step sweeties that way. My step kids, my new husband and my husbands ex wife have brought more joy to my life than I could have ever asked for. I love and respect all of them and the roles we all have in raising our kids.

Sometimes I think it makes it twice as difficult to deal with a "toxic" stepparent when you have an example of such good co-parenting on the other end.

 

[swtwilma]

Sometimes I think it makes it twice as difficult to deal with a "toxic" stepparent when you have an example of such good co-parenting on the other end.

So very true. That is the most difficult thing. But I am also glad for the Yin and Yang of it. At the end of the day, good or bad, I learn more about myself, life and how much I love my kids and my family.

 

[gr8rn]

Hot sauce being forced in their mouths for punishment and then being made to sit with it in there for long periods of time without water or food (6 hrs +). (step mom and dad both told me about this not the kids)
What would you guys do?

This is human torture. Anyone who doubts my words, try it for 6 minutes let alone 6 hours.

Has this been brought up in court in front of a judge??

By the way, CPS is not doing their job. I know of CPS coming in and stopping visitation despite a court order, so, someone there has to be accountable.

Personally?? I would request an order of protection from them the next time they tried that.

 

[swtwilma]

CPS was called based on the hot sauce, but he cried lawyer and they were not able to go to his house. I have no idea if they continued with the investigation or have dropped it.

I have told dad that is not to happen again and he says it won't but kids tell me step mom still does it. Once again "kids tell me" so not absolute proof. Dad denies it happens.

This has not been brought before a judge because last time we settled and changed parenting time between ourselves and filed with the court. I do believe that it is time again to possibly modify to have the kids only with dad at dads house. I am now working on enforcing first right of refusal. Even if it does not work out, at least I can go to bed knowing I tried everything.