I'm Beginning to Get Really Nervous....

[Humusluvr]

What is the name of your state? Currently Texas, Moving to Ohio

Hello All,

I have been lurking on the board for the last 6 months of my pregnancy, trying to learn as much as I possibly can about moving from one state to another. My first post 6 months ago was pretty emotional and "newbie," but I've had a long time to think about things.

Some background... I live in Texas, right on the border of Mexico. I have been living there for 8 years, working as a teacher. I got pregnant by my ex-boyfriend of 2 years. I broke things off with him while I was pregnant because of his cheating, alcohol abuse, and his anger issues. We never lived together, he never supported me, he never gave me money before I was pregnant. Since we broke up, I have allowed him to come to the doctors visits when he wants to because my pregnancy has been deemed very high risk. I'm a Type I Diabetic on an insulin pump, and I have some pretty serious nerve damage in my legs. Each of us has been very scared of complications, but so far so good.

We had agreed that we would split everything 50/50 in the pregnancy (I have emails, but nothing official in writing). He has done nothing for me financially. I informed him that I would be moving to Ohio after the baby was born, when my teaching contract ends at the end of the 2008 school year. I had tried to gather a game plan where I would just move to Ohio 6 months ago and have the baby up here, but with my health insurance and disability, and a teaching contract and potentially $100K in medical bills I decided to remain in Texas until the baby is born and I finish out the school year, then move. He has known this is my plan all along, and has said that he won't stop me, and that he knows I'm doing it to provide the most stable environment for the baby.

I have been googling long term parent plans, and trying to find a financially plausible solution that keeps him as involved as possible in his child's life. He already has one child who lives 4 hours from him that he sees every other month or so for a weekend or one day. He constantly breaks his holiday visitations with her (He had her for Thanksgiving, left the little girl with his sister all week; He had her for Christmas, told mom he couldn't take her because he had to work; he has her for upcoming spring break, probably won't take her then either). When we were together, he used to give me a sob story about how the mother was so mean and horrible and wouldn't let him see his daughter, but I have since learned he lied to me about all of that. He wasn't exercising his visitation. This makes me very nervous as to what I have to expect when I have a newborn.

My family has agreed to help me out for a year (or whatever ends up necessary) after the baby is born by providing me a place to live in their house in Ohio, help with medical care and my recovery, and by providing stability for the baby. HIs family and his other child's mother in Texas have called me and harrassed me (think jaxpink.... arg.....) and I don't do drama.

So - my questions are two part:

1. What should I do about setting up long distance visitation with someone who has a track record or last-minute breaking visitation?

2. What should I do if he will not help me with child care expenses amd medical bills incurred during pregnancy?

I know his debt load, and his financial record is not good. He is about to have a car repossessed - and he really has bitten off more than he can chew. I have planned throughout the pregnancy and can buy the necessary baby items on my own if I have to (I am completely capable of supporting this baby on my own if I have to at this point, barring no serious complications from a C-section or my diabetes after birth). I will return to work by getting an Ohio teaching certification as soon as I can, and beginning the 2008 school year. I will not let this ruin me financially after all I have worked for, but I don't think the father should get of "scott-free." Would this be a case for small claims court?

I'm just beginning to get really nervous. I'm having my little boy on February 20th, and not only do I have new-mom jitters, but I'm scared of what the father and his family will do (or not do.)

Thanks in advance for your advice.

 

[CJane]

So - my questions are two part:

1. What should I do about setting up long distance visitation with someone who has a track record or last-minute breaking visitation?

Long distance or not, I would push for a clause in the parenting plan that states that in order to exercise visitation, he needs to inform you no less than 48 hours prior to the visitation that he does intend to exercise his time. You've got YEARS before your kid will be affected by his lack of interest.

It's completely reasonable, especially if he already has a track record of non-involvement with another kid, to expect a confirmation of his plans.

At least, that's the advice I was given as it pertains to Asshat who hasn't seen our son in almost 2 years and who (last I knew) hadn't seen his older children in close to that long.

2. What should I do if he will not help me with child care expenses amd medical bills incurred during pregnancy?

Honestly? There's not a lot you CAN do. You'll need to take the same approach I did and a million other people do every day. Assume EVERY LITTLE THING will have to be done by you alone and financed by you alone. And then if someone steps up, great. But if they don't you're not on the streets and you're not pushed to bitterness by their lack of responsibility.

Move on.


Another note. You're under NO OBLIGATION AT ALL to let him or any member of his family anywhere near your child OR YOU.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

She'll need more than 48 hours if there are planes involved. She has at least 5 years before a child can fly unaccompanied.

 

[Accountable]

I thought this sounded familiar, so I stopped reading. Has anything happened that would change the advice you were given in September?

https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=378482

Sorry....should have kept reading......

We had agreed that we would split everything 50/50 in the pregnancy (I have emails, but nothing official in writing). He has done nothing for me financially. I informed him that I would be moving to Ohio after the baby was born, when my teaching contract ends at the end of the 2008 school year. I had tried to gather a game plan where I would just move to Ohio 6 months ago and have the baby up here, but with my health insurance and disability, and a teaching contract and potentially $100K in medical bills I decided to remain in Texas until the baby is born and I finish out the school year, then move. He has known this is my plan all along, and has said that he won't stop me, and that he knows I'm doing it to provide the most stable environment for the baby.

 

[CJane]

She'll need more than 48 hours if there are planes involved. She has at least 5 years before a child can fly unaccompanied.

I was thinking that for at least the first couple of years, visitations would take place in the child's area... so Dad would be flying to Ohio and 48 hours would be reasonable.

The ONLY reason I'm thinking that this would happen is because I don't think Dad would be inclined to fight it and force Mom to travel back to Texas several times/year so that he could spend time with the child.

Also, if Dad doesn't file in TX before Mom has established residency in OH, he's going to lose a LOT of his power to force her to provide/pay for transportation.

If I'm remembering the original story properly, I don't think that Mom is worried that Dad will fight her on the move or anything else. As long as she stays out of his wallet.

 

[nextwife]

When we were together, . . He wasn't exercising his visitation.

2. What should I do if he will not help me with child care expenses . . . incurred during pregnancy?[/B]

I know of no law that makes him responsible for child care expenses of another man's child.

Also, if his visitation inconsistency was an issue for you, why would you have allowed yourself to risk getting pregnant by him?

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I know of no law that makes him responsible for child care expenses of another man's child.

Also, if his visitation inconsistency was an issue for you, why would you have allowed yourself to risk getting pregnant by him?

I'm wondering if she meant the cost of the child after having given birth.

 

[Bloopy]

2. What should I do if he will not help me with child care expenses amd medical bills incurred during pregnancy?[/B]

Worded poorly. This is her first child.

Dad doesn't owe you money until the child is born. Even then, paternity needs to be established and CS ordered. Anything else is a gift.

Why do you need any contributions during pregnancy? You’re the one with the one with “big girl” insurance. It’s all your body till Squirt arrives.

Good to see you.

 

[Humusluvr]

I was thinking that for at least the first couple of years, visitations would take place in the child's area... so Dad would be flying to Ohio and 48 hours would be reasonable..

and he would have to get a plane ticket in advance, so I would know when he is coming. And I would take the child to visit him, because I still have friends in Texas and I want him to see the baby. So, since I'm a teacher, I may try to go every spring break so he can see him for a week and I can visit. I want him to see the baby, but unless I go, I don't think dad will make ANYTHING happen.

The ONLY reason I'm thinking that this would happen is because I don't think Dad would be inclined to fight it and force Mom to travel back to Texas several times/year so that he could spend time with the child. .

he will not do anything PROACTIVE. I have heard all his rantings when we were together about how he was going to get a lawyer and get custody of his other little girl... nada. He didn't even call to inquire. He will huff and puff and call names and cuss, but he will not go out of his way to make anything happen. For me, however, that's just as bad.

Also, if Dad doesn't file in TX before Mom has established residency in OH, he's going to lose a LOT of his power to force her to provide/pay for transportation.

If I'm remembering the original story properly, I don't think that Mom is worried that Dad will fight her on the move or anything else. As long as she stays out of his wallet.

Could I establish residency in Ohio NOW to prevent complications down the line? I am in Ohio right now for the holidays, and I could go to DMV and get a driver's lisence and re-route my mail. Don't know if that's leagal or not (help?). But could help for the future plans.

I'm not going to stay out of his wallet, but I'm not looking to completely screw him either. There has to be some kind of orderfor child support and visitation, and I am just coming up with what to plan to tell him - since he will never take the initiative to do it on his own.

 

[Humusluvr]

I know of no law that makes him responsible for child care expenses of another man's child.

He told me he would buy certain items for the baby, backed out. This is his child. Sorry, up-coming child. I know, unborn, establish, AOP, yes.....

Also, if his visitation inconsistency was an issue for you, why would you have allowed yourself to risk getting pregnant by him?

As stated previously, I was deceived while we dated. He said he was being denied visitation, in reality - he was giving up his visitation. I did not know about legalities of child support and visitation until I began reading this forum and I did a little digging.

 

[nextwife]

He told me he would buy certain items for the baby, backed out. This is his child. Sorry, up-coming child. I know, unborn, establish, AOP, yes.....

Ok, then you are referring to supplies and furnishings, not child care. Child Care is the cost of caregiver, babysitter, daycare, etc.

 

[Humusluvr]

Worded poorly. This is her first child..

yes, I worded poorly.

Dad doesn't owe you money until the child is born. Even then, paternity needs to be established and CS ordered. Anything else is a gift.

Why do you need any contributions during pregnancy? You’re the one with the one with “big girl” insurance. It’s all your body till Squirt arrives.

Good to see you.

Dad and I agreed to split all the bills 50/50. He will probably reneg. Who knows? Just because I can foot the bill, doesn't mean I should. And when Squirt arrives, there will be a big whomping hospital bill, and I will be on disability insurance. I'm just worried, because I'm not the financially irresponsibile one, I don't do welfare or make the tax-payers pay, and I worry about things like credit scores and actually paying bills. Legally, since he agreed to split the costs with me - what do I do if he doesn't? Just eat it? Like its rum-pudding?

Good to see you too Bloopy! Happy New Year!

 

[Humusluvr]

Ok, then you are referring to supplies and furnishings, not child care. Child Care is the cost of caregiver, babysitter, daycare, etc.

You are correct - I apologize for my incorrect word choice.

I'm new at this

 

[casa]

yes, I worded poorly.



Dad and I agreed to split all the bills 50/50. He will probably reneg. Who knows? Just because I can foot the bill, doesn't mean I should. And when Squirt arrives, there will be a big whomping hospital bill, and I will be on disability insurance. I'm just worried, because I'm not the financially irresponsibile one, I don't do welfare or make the tax-payers pay, and I worry about things like credit scores and actually paying bills. Legally, since he agreed to split the costs with me - what do I do if he doesn't? Just eat it? Like its rum-pudding?

Good to see you too Bloopy! Happy New Year!

You can't make him responsible for your medical bills. You can only file to establish CS after the baby is born & Paternity is established.

If you are asking if you can pursue him in Civil Court...that's another forum altogether.

 

[Silverplum]

You can't make him responsible for your medical bills.

That's part of "Your Body, Your Choice."