Interference with custody/denied visitation in NY
What is the name of your state? New York.
My ex and I have been apart for almost 10 years. Our divorce has been final for almost 5 years. We have shared physical (every other week) and legal custody of our 2 boys. Neither of us are obligated to pay child support, per that agreeement. Parental decisions are to be made jointly.
The older son will soon be eighteen. He lives with my ex full time. He has developmental problems so we jointly agreed to let him live with my ex where he preferred to be so that he would not have to deal with transitions. I am voluntarily paying my ex "support", but there is nothing in writing about change in custody or regarding child support and no change to our separation agreement.
My question primarily concerns son #2. For almost ten years, the younger son has been alternating weeks--except for a two year period when both boys spent 9 out of every 14 days with me so that my ex could work in NYC. When son #2 has, in the past, tried to move to one house, he wanted to live with me. Both major efforts that he made failed at the end of the week at my ex's house--just before the change was to occur. I can only speculate, but my thought is that pressure from my ex was just too much for him to make the leap.
In late January, son #2 (16+ y.o.) became severely depressed. At that time, son #2 narrowly preferred to be with my ex. It seemed to be in his best interest to let him spend extra time with my ex--while he was severely depressed. Somehow, out of this, I have basically lost my son. It is like he has been kidnapped in plain sight.
Despite obvious questions about "fitness" of son #2 to make such a life altering decision in his currently depressed state, my ex continually cites "son #2's choice", "his decision", and "his preference" to be at my ex's house. My ex denies trying to take my son from me, but has now twice emailed me stating that a petition was filed in Family Court seeking to modify custody. Last Friday, I stopped by Family Court, but they can't find a docket number. A paralegal from my support group says my ex may be "fibbing" about filing a petition just to try to intimidate me.
After having had son #2 just 9 days of what would have been my parenting time, my ex first contacted counsel. When my ex first started making comments inferring that son #2 would be there for the "duration", I got worried that my ex's interests were not focussed on what was best for son #2, but instead was trying to make this permanent. During all this time, son #2 was no longer acutely depressed. Not totally well, but getting back into school and not nearly as bad as when all this started. FYI, by training and personal experience I am very well qualified to take care of son #2 despite his depression, regardless of severity.
29 days into this ordeal, my ex first mentioned child support. The next day, less than a full month after this temporary accomodation for son #2's acute depression started, my ex sent me a very detailed email demanding child support, citing the "formula" and lawyers. Needless to say, I became very concerned about where my ex's motivations lay.
I actively initiated discussion that we needed to start helping son #2 to resume his life--including returning him to his prior living arrangements--not necessarily all at once. My ex responded by writing about a petition and court. I did manage to get one ovenight last weekend. This past weekend (on what would have been my week to parent son #2), ex demanded that I A. Return son #2 by Sunday night or B. Not have him at all. I chose "A".
So, to make a long story a bit shorter, my ex has now had son #2 for almost 8 full weeks. I've had son #2 overnight just 3 nights--total in that time. Since mid-February it has been against my ongoing, active, written protest. I have made it clear that my ex no longer has my consent for son #2 to reamin there. My ex is isolating son #2 from me and from my extended family. Son #1 reports that son #2 just hangs out in his room and is allowed to do so. My ex is refusing to even make a pretense of making joint parental decisions in this matter.
I don't have a lawyer, yet. The attorney I had for the uncontested divorce does not feel qualified to represent me in Family Court. To have an initial meeting with an attorney, they want the court documents, but as far as I could find out last Friday, there aren't any, yet. My ex wrote demanding that either I or (my lawyer and I) meet with ex and ex's attorney to try to work something out. Ominously, my ex stated, "If we manage to engage in a dialogue, I'm sure you will find a resolution more to your liking."
I sent a certified letter yesterday to ex's atty and my ex that having counsel for my ex try to work things out between us didn't seem to be in my best interest. Our separation agreement mandates that we exhaust mediation prior to resorting to arbitration/court. I invited my ex to enter into mediation with me about non-compliance wtih our shared physical custody or else come into compliance by making son #2 available to me on my scheduled custodial time.
If I thought that it was in son #2's best interest, I would just concede and figure out the money. If I thought that is was even "okay" for son #2 to be at my ex's house full time, I would, typical for me in the past, cave in and not fight it. My hope is that it doesn't have to go to court. I hate conflict (as does son #2). My ex and I have come this far, it seems stupid to end up in court now, but I am really worried about the ill effect of this isolation of son #2 and usurpation of my parental role at a time when son #2 is most vulnerable and in need of a wide support network. Son #2 is being overly protected, isolated, and is becoming entrenched in his "sick" role--which my ex seems to be encouraging.
I have lots of email documentation regarding ex's refusal to have son #2 with me on my scheduled custodial time, my ex's assumption of a de facto custodial parent in interactions with the school, speaking for me (despite my written request that my ex not attempt to speak for me), and documenting my ex's refusal to engage in discussion about what is in son #2's best interest. Instead of providing input for or against making a certain joint parental decision my ex simply wrote, "I will get back to you. I am not inclined to agree at this point, but I'll make MY (my caps) final decision tonight." No discussion. No joint decision. No "our" decision to it.
I've read a bit and I know that some of the replies can be brutally honest, but I'm up for whatever advice or constructive criticism comes. I have already lost son #2. If I do nothing, it will become a done deal. Child support may ultimately become an issue, but that is a very secondary concern for me--especially given the less than 5 years until he turns 21. The longer this goes on, the more programmed he will become under the sole and toxic influence of my ex. As son #2 is sequestered away from me, the less my parental role becomes, so I feel that time is of the essence.
Any suggestions about how to prepare for court if it comes to that? I have been trying to document everything. I know I will need a lawyer and intend to get a good one. Any idea how to interview to get an attorney who will be most effective in the event we go to court?
Any general input? Please feel free to jump in.
Thanks for any help.
Sad upstate.
What is the name of your state? New York.
My ex and I have been apart for almost 10 years. Our divorce has been final for almost 5 years. We have shared physical (every other week) and legal custody of our 2 boys. Neither of us are obligated to pay child support, per that agreeement. Parental decisions are to be made jointly.
The older son will soon be eighteen. He lives with my ex full time. He has developmental problems so we jointly agreed to let him live with my ex where he preferred to be so that he would not have to deal with transitions. I am voluntarily paying my ex "support", but there is nothing in writing about change in custody or regarding child support and no change to our separation agreement.
My question primarily concerns son #2. For almost ten years, the younger son has been alternating weeks--except for a two year period when both boys spent 9 out of every 14 days with me so that my ex could work in NYC. When son #2 has, in the past, tried to move to one house, he wanted to live with me. Both major efforts that he made failed at the end of the week at my ex's house--just before the change was to occur. I can only speculate, but my thought is that pressure from my ex was just too much for him to make the leap.
In late January, son #2 (16+ y.o.) became severely depressed. At that time, son #2 narrowly preferred to be with my ex. It seemed to be in his best interest to let him spend extra time with my ex--while he was severely depressed. Somehow, out of this, I have basically lost my son. It is like he has been kidnapped in plain sight.
Despite obvious questions about "fitness" of son #2 to make such a life altering decision in his currently depressed state, my ex continually cites "son #2's choice", "his decision", and "his preference" to be at my ex's house. My ex denies trying to take my son from me, but has now twice emailed me stating that a petition was filed in Family Court seeking to modify custody. Last Friday, I stopped by Family Court, but they can't find a docket number. A paralegal from my support group says my ex may be "fibbing" about filing a petition just to try to intimidate me.
After having had son #2 just 9 days of what would have been my parenting time, my ex first contacted counsel. When my ex first started making comments inferring that son #2 would be there for the "duration", I got worried that my ex's interests were not focussed on what was best for son #2, but instead was trying to make this permanent. During all this time, son #2 was no longer acutely depressed. Not totally well, but getting back into school and not nearly as bad as when all this started. FYI, by training and personal experience I am very well qualified to take care of son #2 despite his depression, regardless of severity.
29 days into this ordeal, my ex first mentioned child support. The next day, less than a full month after this temporary accomodation for son #2's acute depression started, my ex sent me a very detailed email demanding child support, citing the "formula" and lawyers. Needless to say, I became very concerned about where my ex's motivations lay.
I actively initiated discussion that we needed to start helping son #2 to resume his life--including returning him to his prior living arrangements--not necessarily all at once. My ex responded by writing about a petition and court. I did manage to get one ovenight last weekend. This past weekend (on what would have been my week to parent son #2), ex demanded that I A. Return son #2 by Sunday night or B. Not have him at all. I chose "A".
So, to make a long story a bit shorter, my ex has now had son #2 for almost 8 full weeks. I've had son #2 overnight just 3 nights--total in that time. Since mid-February it has been against my ongoing, active, written protest. I have made it clear that my ex no longer has my consent for son #2 to reamin there. My ex is isolating son #2 from me and from my extended family. Son #1 reports that son #2 just hangs out in his room and is allowed to do so. My ex is refusing to even make a pretense of making joint parental decisions in this matter.
I don't have a lawyer, yet. The attorney I had for the uncontested divorce does not feel qualified to represent me in Family Court. To have an initial meeting with an attorney, they want the court documents, but as far as I could find out last Friday, there aren't any, yet. My ex wrote demanding that either I or (my lawyer and I) meet with ex and ex's attorney to try to work something out. Ominously, my ex stated, "If we manage to engage in a dialogue, I'm sure you will find a resolution more to your liking."
I sent a certified letter yesterday to ex's atty and my ex that having counsel for my ex try to work things out between us didn't seem to be in my best interest. Our separation agreement mandates that we exhaust mediation prior to resorting to arbitration/court. I invited my ex to enter into mediation with me about non-compliance wtih our shared physical custody or else come into compliance by making son #2 available to me on my scheduled custodial time.
If I thought that it was in son #2's best interest, I would just concede and figure out the money. If I thought that is was even "okay" for son #2 to be at my ex's house full time, I would, typical for me in the past, cave in and not fight it. My hope is that it doesn't have to go to court. I hate conflict (as does son #2). My ex and I have come this far, it seems stupid to end up in court now, but I am really worried about the ill effect of this isolation of son #2 and usurpation of my parental role at a time when son #2 is most vulnerable and in need of a wide support network. Son #2 is being overly protected, isolated, and is becoming entrenched in his "sick" role--which my ex seems to be encouraging.
I have lots of email documentation regarding ex's refusal to have son #2 with me on my scheduled custodial time, my ex's assumption of a de facto custodial parent in interactions with the school, speaking for me (despite my written request that my ex not attempt to speak for me), and documenting my ex's refusal to engage in discussion about what is in son #2's best interest. Instead of providing input for or against making a certain joint parental decision my ex simply wrote, "I will get back to you. I am not inclined to agree at this point, but I'll make MY (my caps) final decision tonight." No discussion. No joint decision. No "our" decision to it.
I've read a bit and I know that some of the replies can be brutally honest, but I'm up for whatever advice or constructive criticism comes. I have already lost son #2. If I do nothing, it will become a done deal. Child support may ultimately become an issue, but that is a very secondary concern for me--especially given the less than 5 years until he turns 21. The longer this goes on, the more programmed he will become under the sole and toxic influence of my ex. As son #2 is sequestered away from me, the less my parental role becomes, so I feel that time is of the essence.
Any suggestions about how to prepare for court if it comes to that? I have been trying to document everything. I know I will need a lawyer and intend to get a good one. Any idea how to interview to get an attorney who will be most effective in the event we go to court?
Any general input? Please feel free to jump in.
Thanks for any help.
Sad upstate.
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