just wondering

[shari36]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? Oregon

I was reading a post and replies on here from a few days ago about step parent boundries. I found it really interesting but it got me thinking(yes that is a dangerous thing) I have sole legal and sole physical of my child with 9year absent father having little visitation. My husband, who has been and is dad to my son for 7 years is the only father my son has known. I have always told my son about his bio dad. It never even crossed by sons mind about who mom and dad are( Husband and myself). Now that bio man is starting to come around my son was very upset with the fact he might have to call this man dad. I told him you call him what ever you feel comfy with. So now when he talks about the bio like with friends he says I have to go see my step dad (Tad). This cracks me up LOL..
Im wondering since I encouraged this bond with husband and son years ago, Only because the bio father wasnt interested in being envolved in any way, And because I loved my husband and he loved my son and I. Our lives together just came together no adjusting period everthing just fit.. What rights does my husband have to this child?? None?? I know its always said on this site that sp have no rights, As I understand my court order neither does the bio father other than having time with child and forming some kind of relationship.. Is the only way to give the sp rights to child is for him to adopt the child? If so and the bio says no to adoption, considering the bios past interest in the child would my husband have any grounds to go on for an adoption??
Shari

 

[stealth2]

Your husband has no rights wrt the kid. Unless he adopts. Which would require bio-Dad's consent OR your beign able to involuntarily terminate his rights.

 

[shari36]

re

How do you involuntary terminate his rights?
Shari

 

[LdiJ]

How do you involuntary terminate his rights?
Shari

He has to either completely abandon the child, or be so dangerous that he could never safely be around the child. Obviously that doesn't appear to be the case here.

 

[shari36]

No he is not a danger to the child and did abandon child for years on end, But is taking an interest now. Things will be fine it just bothers me that if I die, the child would be ripped away from who he knows as his dad and his little brother.
Thank you for the info
Shari

 

[jelly]

be careful!!!

First let me say that I am a very committed step-parent, and while I can relate to the situation, I have to caution you against your train of thought.
I understand that you and your husband feel that your husband has earned the parenting badge and that perhaps even he should not have to share it. You also probably feel that the bio-dad has forfeited his rights through his neglect. These are all understandable feelings to have. But this does not mean that severing all of the biological dad's rights is the way to go. the best interests of the child would be that he has as many people as possible around him, to support him in every way, love him, etc.. His biological dad may be late to the game, but if he wants to make an effort, I think its pretty nasty to try to undermine that, hider it or limit it, just because it hurts you and your husbands feelings to think that your son may come to think of him as a father. It is natural that your son would be hesitant to trust him after his absence, specially if everyone around him suggests that he shouldnt or if theres an expressed disspointment from the adults in his becoming accuainted with his father.
You should put your personal feelings aside an encourage rather than hinder this. A lot of children, boys specially, end up in messup in life because they felt abandoned by their non-custodial parent. Unless his dad is an addict or a crminal, its good for him to have some sort of relationship.
You can help your son best by not putting him on the spot and making him feel like he has to choose sides. You can help him by telling him he should give his father a chance, and just think of him as getting to know a new friend, theres no pressure to call him dad or things like that. Even if its unsettling to his world now, it is best for him in the long run that you encourage this. If you do everything you can to prevent it, your son may resent you later (because kids do change their view points as they grow up). If the bio-dad dissapears again and he does not figure out how to earn his son's friendship, then thats on him.. but beware of being part of the problem.
Best case scenario, your son grows up to have one moreson in his life to support him and love him. Worst case, if it doesnt work out, at least your son will know his dad was the one with the issues, and that he was not abandoned.

 

[2Boys1Mom]

I think your right in not letting emotions of, who's the better parent, get in the way but I also think you’re missing a big point. I'm a single mother with sole and legal of my son, my parents have been a big help in raising my son. His father abandoned him for 7 years and is just starting to build a relationship with him. If I were to die tomorrow my son would go live with my parents. Not because I want to stop his father from being there but because there is no trust that his father will be there for him and I know my parents will. They would not stop his father from seeing him, they would encourage it. My son is just getting to know his father but the trust and comfort for the time is with my parents.
I this case what if Mom died (sorry) and Bio dad took the son away from his father. There is a very emotional problem for you. Now Bio Dad turns back into a jerk but there is nothing the father can do. I think it’s a really good question that needs a better answer, if there is one. I don't now all the laws and i'm not trying to step on anyone's toes but I do see the point she was making.

 

[CJane]

If I were to die tomorrow my son would go live with my parents.

This is off-topic from the original thread, but HOW do you propose to make that one happen? You can't will a child to anyone, and bio-dad could pretty easily fight guardianship papers if he chose to since Grandparents really legally don't have any right to grandchildren.

 

[stealth2]

I think your right in not letting emotions of, who's the better parent, get in the way but I also think you’re missing a big point. I'm a single mother with sole and legal of my son, my parents have been a big help in raising my son. His father abandoned him for 7 years and is just starting to build a relationship with him. If I were to die tomorrow my son would go live with my parents. Not because I want to stop his father from being there but because there is no trust that his father will be there for him and I know my parents will. They would not stop his father from seeing him, they would encourage it. My son is just getting to know his father but the trust and comfort for the time is with my parents.
I this case what if Mom died (sorry) and Bio dad took the son away from his father. There is a very emotional problem for you. Now Bio Dad turns back into a jerk but there is nothing the father can do. I think it’s a really good question that needs a better answer, if there is one. I don't now all the laws and i'm not trying to step on anyone's toes but I do see the point she was making.

And all of this is moot. As CJane said, you can't will a kid. Dad would have a much greater "claim" to the child than grandparents would. They would have to prove him unfit, which is a difficult thing to do.

 

[brisgirl825]

I agree that it is wrong for a parent to pick and chose when it is convenient to be around. However, that is a parent's right under the law. So long as CS is being paid, all else is up to them to exercise.
You have a kid who seems to understand that the dad he loves and knows to be dad, can still be his dad even with bio around. Your husband is still being loved by your son and that's great.
Since you can't change your ex, just help their relationship grow. We tell our kids that they are so special that they get to have two dads and they love it.

GL.

 

[2Boys1Mom]

This is off-topic from the original thread, but HOW do you propose to make that one happen? You can't will a child to anyone, and bio-dad could pretty easily fight guardianship papers if he chose to since Grandparents really legally don't have any right to grandchildren.

My understanding (and I could be wrong) is that he signed all rights way when he signed the order. Just like if Bio Mom and Dad were to die the children go to whom ever. Now that I let him see his son and I don't have to, he has no visitation at all in the order, I may not be as sure as I use to. That is way I brought up the other point of view. I was interested in the answer. I'm for bio and sp, I like the idea of ever one being cool with each other but what if bio dad is not. What can be done to protect the interest of the child?

 

[stealth2]

Unless his rights were LEGALLY terminated (like, by a judge), Dad is still Dad and still has rights even if there is no visitation order. And a bioparent will have precedence over a grandparent, aunt/uncle, stepparent, sibling, next door neighbor, the cat down the street, and so on.

 

[tigger22472]

This thread has totally confused me as it seems there are two posters asking questions and commenting on their case... the OP and someone...

 

[CJane]

This thread has totally confused me as it seems there are two posters asking questions and commenting on their case... the OP and someone...

Maybe this will help:

OP possibly wants to terminate bio-dad's rights so that her child isn't upset by bio-dad's sudden desire to develop a relationship, and she's concerned that if she dies, the kid will be sent to live with someone he doesn't know.

schmittner posted stating that she understood that position, and while she 'lets' the bio-dad see the kid, in the event of her death, the kid will go to live with the grandparents. I posted O/T and asked how she planned to make sure that happened, because I hate to see OP take that as a fact and attempt something similar when it would do no good at all.

 

[shari36]

re to my op

Thanks for the replies. I am in no way trying to discourage thier relationship,I think I have been very patient and understanding considering.. I was just really interested in finding out why in the eyes of the law, does a sp have no rights in these kinds of situations. Having bio drop of the face of the earth, Leave his child knowing that another man is filling in for him emotionally,finacially and molding him with the values he has been brought up with.
I do encourage this new relationship although it was very hard not to be bitter in the begining, I have put my son first and do understand a child can never have to many people love him.. I only brought this up here on this site not to my child or the bio. I really just wanted to here it from you all. I have and I thank you..
Shari