Proserpina
Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? OR
OP, why was NONE of this mentioned yesterday? First it was about school-work, but then ... this? I'm baffled.
If yes, WHY hasn't Dad already done something about it?
If no, why are you indicating otherwise?
If "well no, but ... ", get Dad to sign up and talk to us.
Mom is such a bad parent, deliberately sabotaging him (even you have to admit the absolute inanity of that accusation), abusing the child, and yet ... I still think you're seeing only a small part of Dad's coparenting reality.
I'm sorry but one of two things is happening here. Either you're exaggerating (and I actually hope that's the case), or Dad is failing at parenting and the child doesn't need to be in Dad's custody any more than Mom's custody at this point.
There is a third option actually. I think you've been led up the garden path somewhat. I don't think Mom is nearly as bad as you've been led to believe and I think that since you've been on the scene that every thing she does or doesn't do is going to be even more closely scrutinized by you, because of what you think is true.
Sorry, but you need a reality check.
OP, why was NONE of this mentioned yesterday? First it was about school-work, but then ... this? I'm baffled.
Sadly that tells me that you obviously don't get it. At. All.So I took some time to read this thread ... I get it, you hate, me, sigh.
Does his parenting plan actually say the boyfriend cannot be alone around the child?I do realize the basic communication breakdown though. I had a legal question or 3 - I was focused on finding the legal answer and didn't respond to the "Why don't you take this reasonable advice and BACK OFF?" part. I agree, it's reasonable advice, good advice, but -- well, it's not a reasonable situation. I am not the concerned parent - my husband is: so this summary of the situation is second-hand, but this is HIS situation. Currently, like I said, they have joint custody. He is unhappy about:
- child's safety. His son reports playing with mom's boyfriend's hunting guns and crossbows. Dad says boyfriend shouldn't be alone with child according to custody agreement.
If yes, WHY hasn't Dad already done something about it?
If no, why are you indicating otherwise?
If "well no, but ... ", get Dad to sign up and talk to us.
How recently? HOW was it concluded, and when?- child's sexual behaviors. Recently son bribed/blackmailed playmate, put his penis into other child's mouth. Dad feels mom's home (three unrelated teen boys living with son) is unsafe. CPS notified immediately, child in therapy, situation isn't concluded to his satisfaction
"Ignores", or "Doesn't do it to Dad's specific preferences"?- diet. Son has dr. recommended diet due to his health problems, dad feels mom ignores diet
I'm finding it more and more worrisome that NONE of this was mentioned before you got your fur up.- child's self-mutilation. Son doesn't do this with dad, comes back from mom time with scabby patches (cuts self with nail clippers)
3 appointments in the past month. This child appears to have chronic health issues - is that right?- appointments. Mother makes appointments (dr., psychiatrist, etc) for son during father's parenting time - dad finds out about appointments when the reminder call comes. Ongoing problem for years but comes and goes. I've observed it three times in the past month.
He needs to learn how to smile sweetly at her.- dad meeting with teacher or any school personnel. Dad wants to talk with key players at school one-on-one, not to make decisions but to get information. Mom interrupts, calls school to cancel, etc if/when she learns about such meetings. Currently mom says she will interrupt his next parent-teacher conference (next week) - angry that he scheduled his own apart from hers - dad says separate meetings OK by custody agreement
Ah, no. The court cannot stop either parent from exposing the child to religion. That's not what joint legal custody means, though I suspect that's how you and Dad are interpreting it, right? Dad is also, of course, free to teach their mutual child about every other religion in existence or no religion whatsoever. Sadly he seems unable to sit down and give us the relevant parts of the court order ...- religion. Dad is not christian ethnically or culturally, does not agree to have son raised in that religion, but son has been obsessed with Jesus' death for past six months - dad feels she is breaking joint custody agreement re. religion
Dad has taken the child to see the dentist, right? How is this all Mom's fault?- teeth - son has many cavities, 8 teeth extracted in past year; dad feels mother neglects teeth
But he'd be bitching up a storm if Mom sent the child to a sitter rather than giving him the option, wouldn't he? Or is it more that you're not being asked at all, vs Dad being asked/asked first?- frequent changes in schedule - Mom informs dad that he needs to call in sick to care for son on her parenting days - I've observed this three times in the past 6 weeks but don't know how well he has documented it in past
Tell him to invest in Family Wizard. And I'm pretty sure he knows exactly what's happening and why. This is where I actually start to feel bad for you because I honestly think you've been misled as far as Dad's parenting relationship with Mom goes.- text/email barrages - Mom sends abusive messages, 15-30 an hour, to dad while he is at work. Only does this during her parenting time, so dad not comfortable blocking her # in case son needs to contact him. Apparently random - he doesn't know what triggers this (but it's consistent with borderline personality)
Maybe Mom feels that Dad's parenting ability is lacking since your arrival?- excessive texts - no barrages, but mom texts dad frequently during dad's parenting time - trivial texts like "Remember that tomorrow is Monday so he has to go to school" - dad feels harassed
You two are heading straight into the mouth of the beast and you don't even realize. You're <this> far from Dad actually losing time.- Drinking/drugs. Mom is a drinker - son has fetal alcohol syndrome, root cause of his developmental issues, so at least re. the past this is not supposition; mom has lost job in past year due to drinking according to dad (I don't know what his proof is). Dad says he has seen her take drugs and says her current appearance/behavior "look like she's switched to meth - " says there may be drug use in her house (again, I don't know how this would be proven).
Do you know how this comes across? It looks like Dad hasn't cared that much about such SERIOUS issues until you arrived on the scene and he's still unable or unwilling - and at this point I'm truly not certain which it is - to act without you pushing him to act. That's actually a little terrifying.- Homework. Dad feels mom deliberately sabotages homework, does not release packet to him; sometimes packet has arrived completed in her handwriting. Dad suspects may be to undermine IEP (doesn't know why) or maybe to create impression with school that dad doesn't support son academically. ** This is the one dad has asked me specifically to help with and the one I asked about. **
I'm sure "dad" (my husband) has plenty more but these are the main problems he's expressed to me. Sorry they are a jumble but this is off the top of my head.
So ... yeah, it's HIS situation. I don't have a role to play beyond supporting him as he deals with it. But, as his partner, I do feel obligated to support him. He feels within his rights to get the homework packet but can't get to the school in time; he specifically asked me to do this, as it's a minor inconvenience to me. He is trying to build up a case to petition for sole custody as he feels the situation is untenable and seemingly getting worse as the years go by. BUT -- he is certain that, as a dad, he will lose. This is why I felt so panicky about getting precise information about whether what I'd done was legally defensible: I do NOT want to undermine him unknowingly.
edited to add - I don't mean that list to represent his legal grounds for asking for sole custody. But those are the reasons that he feels "screw it, I'm not being held hostage by her threats any more, I'm going to do what I feel is best for my kid without asking her permission first."
Mom is such a bad parent, deliberately sabotaging him (even you have to admit the absolute inanity of that accusation), abusing the child, and yet ... I still think you're seeing only a small part of Dad's coparenting reality.
I'm sorry but one of two things is happening here. Either you're exaggerating (and I actually hope that's the case), or Dad is failing at parenting and the child doesn't need to be in Dad's custody any more than Mom's custody at this point.
There is a third option actually. I think you've been led up the garden path somewhat. I don't think Mom is nearly as bad as you've been led to believe and I think that since you've been on the scene that every thing she does or doesn't do is going to be even more closely scrutinized by you, because of what you think is true.
Sorry, but you need a reality check.