Mediation a BUST ! Now What ? Unbelievable

[mamadi]

What is the name of your state? North Carolina

Quick Update : Dad's has full custody for 5 years (2 kids). Mom has been in New York for those years until about a year ago. She moved back here about 30 minutes away (lives with her boyfriend & his parents). Verbal agreement had been going fine during that time. At end of summer mom decides she wants her "summer visitation" according to the old / current visitation papers that pertained to her living in NY --- and takes kids out of church without anyone knowing (this was when there was only one week left of her "summer visitation".

Mom / Dad try to work it new visitation schedule that pertains to her living closer -- through lawyers. That doesn't work -- mom say's "let's just go to mediation". Dad had offered every other weekend and one day per week. That wasn't good enough -- she wants "two days per week".

So -- they go to mediation last week. About 45 minutes into mediation mom stands up and says "let's just take it to court". She apparently gets flustered because dad is discussing all of the reasons he feels the kids are not safe at her / her boyfriends residence. He also catches her on all of her lies (he had lots of documentation !!!). He also explains that two days a week is just too hectic after school with the kids bouncing back and forth that much.....especiallly with ADHD son. He needs as much stability as possible. They also have many after school activities.

Anyway, the mediator explains that the "norm" for visitation is every other weekend and that's what a judge would most likely give them.
And all this time dad is still offerering EOW and 1 day per week !!!

So here we are now ! After having the chance of 3 mediation sessions - mom calls it quits and wants to go to court. They are still working off of a temporary EOW order until court - which may not be until January / February.

Now mom calls yesterday and says she is canceling next weekends visitation with the kids because she is going to the beach !! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
THIS IS THE SAME WOMAN WHO WANTS TO GO TO COURT BECAUSE SHE WANTS AN EXTRA DAY A WEEK WITH THE KIDS !!

We just want opinions **************.Was the mediator right ? Is the "norm" EOW for visitation where the parent lives 30 minutes away ?

Is my husband doing the wrong thing not agreeing to 2 days during the week -- he is just trying to do what's best for the kids ??? Mind you -- most weeks mom doesn't have off two days a week !! (she works at the mall)

Thanks for any opinions --suggestions.

MamaDi

 

[LdiJ]

30 minutes away is not too far for mom to have midweek visitation. However, its also far enough that a judge might just order every other weekend. I would guess that the mediator probably has the best clue as to what the judge would be likely to order.

I would recommend that your husband continue to offer the 1 mid week visit.

 

[mamadi]

That's what dad thought -- one day per week wouldnt' be bad (being 30 minutes away) but two days per week would be a little much on the kids. I forgot to mention that the days would never be the same - just depends when mom has the day off that week.

 

[CJane]

Ummm... aren't the kids old enough that they have the coping skills (or should) to deal with a fluctuating schedule?

My schedule w/my kids is really stable, in that it's the same days every week, but they're only NOW 10 and 7 and we've been divorced going on 4 years. They spend every Sunday, Monday and Tuesday night at my house, and every Wednesday and Thusday night at their dad's house and we alternate the Friday and Sat nights.

For the first year we were divorced, I lived about 15 miles from him... then I moved so I was about 35 miles from him... and now I live about 8 miles from him.

Never has it been an issue. The kids adapted VERY well and VERY fast. They're involved in after school activities too... Brownies and 4-H on Mondays, youth group at church on Wednesdays, yoga on Thursdays...

I guess the biggest thing I just don't 'get' is why dad insists that the kids 'can't handle' 2 midweek visits.

 

[JBMD]

I guess the biggest thing I just don't 'get' is why dad insists that the kids 'can't handle' 2 midweek visits.

I am not a party to the case, so I don't know for sure, but it appears that mom's main motive in this situation is to have the "midweeks" so that she can say she has them for child support purposes.

If it were that important to mom that she see the children she wouldn't have cancelled the only visitation that she has with them right now!! She will only see them one weekend this month at her own choosing!

Just my speculation!

 

[CJane]

I am not a party to the case, so I don't know for sure, but it appears that mom's main motive in this situation is to have the "midweeks" so that she can say she has them for child support purposes.

And while that IS possible (though it's not what I get from this whole situation), it's also irrelevant.

If it were that important to mom that she see the children she wouldn't have cancelled the only visitation that she has with them right now!! She will only see them one weekend this month at her own choosing!

Just my speculation!

Also not really relevant. Sometimes, we have to rearrange schedules... my order even specifies that this sometimes happens and the parents should work together to make sure that these occasions are accomodated.

Also, if Dad really thinks that Mom is going to reschedule on a regular basis, or miss visitations, or whatever... then why NOT agree to the 2 midweek visits. Dad's so convinced she won't use them anyway, it shouldn't matter.

 

[wileybunch]

A psychiatric diagnosis impacting how well a child copes with changes was mentioned.

 

[CJane]

A psychiatric diagnosis impacting how well a child copes with changes was mentioned.

ADHD?

I know plenty of kids with ADHD that cope with changes to schedules quite well... and kids w/no Dx at all who cannot cope with even the slightest change.

Unless they can produce an expert witness who could testify that it would actually DAMAGE the child in some way to have to (GASP) adjust to 2 evenings w/mom instead of the 1 dad is offering... they're blowing smoke.

I suppose next, they'll claim that the school never ever changes anything, just to follow ADA guidelines for accomodation?

 

[wileybunch]

You asked if they weren't old enough to handle being bounced back and forth. Was just pointing out the OP gave the reason previously why the changes are difficult for this particular child. A child with true ADHD (with the "H", not just ADD) would likely be less organized being "bounced" around during the week. Not insurmountable, but this would be one of those trigger things they'd have to work on to make sure the child felt continuity, organized, and on top of things. If either parent isn't on board with that, it will be a mess. Hopefully both parents love the child enough to make sure they are accommodated.

 

[Ohiogal]

You asked if they weren't old enough to handle being bounced back and forth. Was just pointing out the OP gave the reason previously why the changes are difficult for this particular child. A child with true ADHD (with the "H", not just ADD) would likely be less organized being "bounced" around during the week. Not insurmountable, but this would be one of those trigger things they'd have to work on to make sure the child felt continuity, organized, and on top of things. If either parent isn't on board with that, it will be a mess. Hopefully both parents love the child enough to make sure they are accommodated.

ADD is no longer a diagnosis in the psychiatric/mental health community.

 

[LdiJ]

I guess the biggest thing I just don't 'get' is why dad insists that the kids 'can't handle' 2 midweek visits.

I can see it if the days were never going to be the same. (which she mentioned) That would be hard on the kids because it would be difficult for them to have any activities during the week or make plans during the week.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I think the biggest problem is to actually try to schedule ANYTHING during the week when momma's schedule changes weekly.

I'm thinking boy scouts, girl scouts, etc. If mom is agreeable to taking and partaking of the various events that enrich a child's life, then, yes, it makes sense for momma to have two nights a week.

Is there anyway that mom's schedule could get stable? I realize that she has to work during the weekends. But, can't she get the same days off during the week?

We've had lengthy discussions on this forum about never scheduling anything on the other parents' weekends, parenting days during the week, etc. In this case, NOTHING can get scheduled because you never know the schedule.

Children need a routine/ schedule to help them be successful. I can tell with my ten yo if we've gotten lackadaisial about routines. Mornings fall apart ... can't get her to sleep, etc.

 

[CJane]

I can see it if the days were never going to be the same. (which she mentioned) That would be hard on the kids because it would be difficult for them to have any activities during the week or make plans during the week.

Yup.

But the only reason they wouldn't be the same is because Dad is refusing any visitation time that the mom isn't present for.

I'm willing to bet - having worked retail - that if Mom said "I need to have X nights/week off so that I can spend court ordered time with my kids", the manager would accomodate her. If not for the entire evening, then for a dinner date with her children.

 

[CJane]

I think the biggest problem is to actually try to schedule ANYTHING during the week when momma's schedule changes weekly.

I'm thinking boy scouts, girl scouts, etc. If mom is agreeable to taking and partaking of the various events that enrich a child's life, then, yes, it makes sense for momma to have two nights a week.

But THOSE things happen on a set schedule.

For instance, for us, Girl Scouts for Unruly and 4-H for Wild happen on Monday nights. Youth group at church happens on Wed nights.

So there are 2 non weekend nights every week that the kids have nothing going on (except when they're enrolled in yoga on Thursday nights).

So, Mom could then have Tuesday and Wednesday nights EVERY WEEK and no interfere with the kids.

Honestly, I really really think that dad thinks that he's operating in the kids' best interests. And maybe he is. HOWEVER, dad is also being UBER controlling about Mom's time and when she gets to exercise it and how much notice she needs to give and schedules stuff on her time ALL THE TIME - that's been documented in other posts by OP.

It can't be so hard to make sure that the kids are available 2 nights/week when Dad/SMom ALREADY claim she won't use the time ANYWAY.

 

[wileybunch]

ADD is no longer a diagnosis in the psychiatric/mental health community.

I don't know about ADD, but ADHD is. From what I just read about ADD it is, as well, so curious why you think it is not.