Mediation to move out of state

[basylica]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tx

Texas has pretty strict laws that tend to favor the dad pretty heavily on custody, visitation, and support. Right now my ex and I have JMC and I have primary custody.

My ex whinges about how it's my fault he has to live with his parents (even though he lived with them until he was 24 and moved in with me, and moved back in 3yrs ago when we seperated and hasn't budged while they support him) about how he has to pay "sooo much" money to me (he seems to think i'm getting rich off his 500/mth child support, despite daycare alone costing me 1300/mth) and i'm "living in HIS house" (i was the only one who could afford to pay the mortgage. I don't want it honestly...but we are upside down so selling it seems unwise)
His actual desire to see the kids seems based more on proving me "wrong" than actually wanting to spend time with the children. the last 3yrs seems to be one big game of make-basylica-look-like-the-person-at-fault-so-i-can-blame-her-for-divorce
I don't doubt for a minute he actually does love the kids, but he's mentally like a 12yr old kid. which is in part responsible for the divorce. he wanted me to take care of him, do his laundry and cooking and cleaning, take him to the doc and refill his medications etc. Which is why I think he moved right back in with his parents. his post-CS income is a giant allowance for him - he buys video games and toys and sits around doing nothing, the same thing he did when he lived with me. Actually, his 27yr old sister and 31yr old sister all live at home too, and his 27yr old sister has never left

My job is based out of portland oregon and while i'm able to work from home here 90%+ of the time, I have to travel there periodically to do hands on projects (I'm a enterprise systems admin - aka head computer nerd). Lately we've been doing some huuuuge changes that is requiring me to travel much more.
I've tried to be reasonable with my ex, but he flat out refuses to change custody around even a little bit unless it suits him. I've offered a 2:1 "payback" ratio (I need to be there more than just a weekend, I need to be there during reg work week days when I go, so I usually end up leaving on a thurs when he has the weekend and returning like fri morning the following week so I miss 3 days of visitation etc) and say he can pick anytime he likes. but NOGO.
then he calls and complains that he shouldn't have to pay childsupport since he had the kids 3 extra days, and when I argue i'm happy to take 3 days in exchange he pulls some "ex-logic" on me and tries to argue that he should basically have the kids more and pay less. *headscratch*
mind you - I pay for daycare 5 days a week, every week of the year even when he has the kids for vacation days or when i'm gone (I could easily refuse to pay for a m-f week that he has the kids)

I've spoken to a lawyer and I know there is no chance a judge would ever ORDER that i'm allowed to move. But we discussed trying mediation to see what if anything he'd be willing to do. Much like the 12yr old mentality he's completely unstable and very unpredictable. one day he'll call and share funny kid stories, the next he's throwing me against a wall and giving me a concussion.
I have NO idea what I could even expect, and laughed when lawyer asked me. I think it might depend on the stars or something

Options I'm considering offering -

1. allow me to move to portland oregon. Do summer visits (i'd like to request 30 days until younger child is in kindergarten, but OK with 45 days if needbe) per standard LD custody. Give him every single spring break, offer every other winter vacation from end of school until resume (texas does split at noon on 28th even for LD, which seems silly to me. esp considering out of state) and 28th-resume of school on "my" years if he'd like it, weekly/bi-weekly webcam calls with him, and "reasonable" visitation if he'd like to visit oregon. I say reasonable because I wouldn't like him to come and park there for 6m and end up in a sticky situation. I also work for a hotel chain right now and would be happy to try and get him a discount if i'm able.

Lawyer suggested that forgiving child support may push things in my favor, and lets be honest....500/mth isn't that much and being as he's had the same dead end job for 10+ years and has no desire to do any better for himself isn't likely he'll make more anytime soon. Infact i've been quite serious when i've suggested taking bets on if my ex will move out of his parents before my newly turned 7yr old leaves my home. LOL!

2 - Change the thurs-mon (1st, 3rd, 5th weekends) and thurs overnight (2nd and 4th weeks) visitation to something like monday eve - mon morn (aka 7 days) one week a month, plus a 3/4 day weekend. same number of days, and would allow me a week to travel on workdays without having to give up time with my kids.

3 - I don't know the history on this in texas, and I really don't like the idea much...but splitting the school year in half and allowing kids one half of school with ex, one half with me, and most of summer with me (since custody is split like 60/40 or thereabouts). I don't like the idea because it seems disruptive to kids to change schools so often, ruins friendship building and also teacher interaction is stinted. Esp since my 7yr old seems to be struggling a bit now (I think he may have mom's ADD)

Reasons to move -
job of course, I loathe texas and have been wanting to move since i got here but things never worked out until AFTER the seperation. I have NO family (my huge family of 5 sibs, 50+ first cousins, 20+ aunts and uncles, 6 nieces and nephews, etc all live in chicago area) or friends. I have not a soul I can call if my car stalled or I was very sick or injured here. I really don't do well in heat AT ALL and it makes me miserable and I tend to faint or actually get sick (aka, vomit) when in weather over 90 for extended periods. the job market for what I do isn't great here, my options are very limited, where in portland i'd have great op and great connections for furthering my career (I make easily 3x what my ex does, and should be making closer to 4-5x)
Oregon is absolutely beautiful and I long to take my kids there, and have them experience living in such a beautiful and natural area.
I have friends and coworkers who have kids the same age, as well as a built in support group, and technically a few relatives.
my boss really wants to take my kids to her lake house for a weekend or two

(....cut....)

 

[basylica]

my ex and his entire family suffer from allergies and asthma, which is 100% known to occur or become worse with people who move here. People who never had allergies develop them, who never suffered from asthma all the sudden do, and it clears up when they leave the area. I think that my kids who have the disposition to suffer would greatly be benefited by being in a better area NOT known to cause or worsen these things.

Also, again - I dont doubt that my ex loves my boys (and they do him) and it's great they have grandma and grandpa and aunts around like they do at his house, but on a personal level I don't think it's GREAT for the kids to be there quite as often. I really want to stress independence and things like oh...picking up their clothes and toys, managing money, taking responsibility for their actions, etc. Something that it seems my in-laws never did or do, and my ex severely lacks. Like i said, he's pretty much stuck at 12. he's a great "disneyland dad" and the kids have fun there and get to play video games and watch movies and such. He doesn't however have the skills to cope with taking care of himself (before we seperated he was showering once every 2 weeks, suffering mrsa staph infections all over his body, wasn't using deo and at 330+lbs in tx was coming home crying that his coworkers had left a stick of right guard on his desk...and so on) let alone taking care of 2 kids. Everytime they go over for an extended period of time such as summer or holidays they come back with overgrown finger and toe nails, sick, bruises all over them (which i don't claim is abuse, and they are little boys who like to play, but this is a matter of large bruises that occur because they are not being supervised. walking into walls, falling down stairs, and so on) dirty, suffering intestinal discomfort from the diet they are being fed....and so on.
The thought of having my ex watch the kids for half a school year worries me. I can see the kids failing in school and having trouble when they get back to me getting caught up....their health and well being in general suffering.

I wonder does anyone have any other suggestions on the situation? Any advice on texas laws regarding?
I'd like to know as much as possible before putting out still more money on legal
(my ex's folks funded him and they dragged me back and forth to court quite a lot over nonsense. cost me a bundle I could ill afford and only hurt the kids in the end, financially speaking)

I worry sometimes that the travel and giving up days will hurt me in the long run if ex decides to play games again and take me to court and try to get custody again. I don't want to miss a single day with my kids AT ALL, but I also know that I can't get a job that pays as well, or treats me as well as my current one does in this area. I've looked. so I need to do what I have to do to maintain a roof over the kids head and food in their bellies, you know?

So I figure going to mediation atleast puts it out there in the universe that i'm not at all happy missing time with the kids, and perhaps might give me a better resolution to all this....
I just hate the unknown and i've not been impressed with the texas legal system AT ALL thus far. they've allowed my ex entirely too much liberty in the past. From breaking all the rules on the "when you file for divorce in this county don't do the following before your temp orders hearing" list like hiding the kids, taking every last dime, ransacking house, etc. He's physically assaulted me several times infront of the kids even, i've called cops and they shrugged and did nothing. the last time the detective called me and said "well, maybe next time he'll hit you in the face so we'll have more evidence" and the court refused to allow me to file a TRO after it happened saying I couldn't do it if I was separated and not finalized yet. Despite the police reports. I called every courthouse and spoke to domestic violence places in the area and they all told me I was SOL and I should finalize my divorce already. Once I did it, I was told I couldn't get a TRO because it had been "too long" since the incidents, despite worrying my ex would get a wild hair and snap again on me.
I bought pepper spray, anyway....but he's so unpredictable that i'll think he's turned a corner and being ok (like I did before he tossed me into a wall) and not bring spray...then he snaps.

Anyway, I'd like suggestions or any BTDT experiences anyone is willing to share on the situation. Sometimes it's hard to see objectively when you are in the thick of things. Even if it's just suck it up and deal for the next 14 years What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[CSO286]

OP, you are going to be hard-pressed to find someone willing to wade through all of that /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\

(and I LOVE to read)

Please thin it down to two or three paragraphs and a couple of questions.

 

[stealth2]

My only comment is that no parent in their right mind would even consider splitting a school year as you suggested as an option. That's just whacked.

 

[Proserpina]

Any reason why Dad couldn't be primary?

 

[basylica]

....because he can't even take care of himself....let alone two kids.

 

[Proserpina]

....because he can't even take care of himself....let alone two kids.

Uh...no.

You are offering him extended periods in the summer = hence he's absolutely fit to be the primary parent.

basylica, you can't have it both ways.

He's either fit, or he's not.

 

[stealth2]

We need a "poking self in eye with sharp stick" smiley, I think.

 

[basylica]

Uh...no.

You are offering him extended periods in the summer = hence he's absolutely fit to be the primary parent.

basylica, you can't have it both ways.

He's either fit, or he's not.

I'm not "offering" anything. If I could have restricted it, I would have.
The argument of "he is a child himself" wasn't valid enough for the court system here.
Luckily (or unluckily) he lives with his parents and shows no signs of ever leaving....so there are 3 other adults there who do the laundry and the cleaning and some of the general childcare.
if he was living alone i'd be completely unable to sleep at night.


I find it rather offensive that you'd suggest that I ought to give up custody of my kids. Never going to happen. If anything were to happen to me my entire family has instructions to fight my Ex tooth and nail to keep him from becoming primary custodian.

If I could fathom a way to keep him from having extended visits at all, believe me I would have fought it. The only thing that would serve would be for me to spend every dime I own and then some, and the same exact custody arrangement now. That does nobody any good - most of all the children.

 

[stealth2]

I'm not "offering" anything. If I could have restricted it, I would have.
The argument of "he is a child himself" wasn't valid enough for the court system here.
Luckily (or unluckily) he lives with his parents and shows no signs of ever leaving....so there are 3 other adults there who do the laundry and the cleaning and some of the general childcare.
if he was living alone i'd be completely unable to sleep at night.


I find it rather offensive that you'd suggest that I ought to give up custody of my kids. Never going to happen. If anything were to happen to me my entire family has instructions to fight my Ex tooth and nail to keep him from becoming primary custodian.

If I could fathom a way to keep him from having extended visits at all, believe me I would have fought it. The only thing that would serve would be for me to spend every dime I own and then some, and the same exact custody arrangement now. That does nobody any good - most of all the children.

Then don't move. It really is as simple as that. You picked him, warts and all. Deal with it.

 

[GoodDadtoBK]

I find it rather offensive that you'd suggest that I ought to give up custody of my kids. Never going to happen. If anything were to happen to me my entire family has instructions to fight my Ex tooth and nail to keep him from becoming primary custodian.

As a dad who has been fighting against his child moving out of state for the last year, I find it rather offensive that you'd suggest that the kids' father should give up his custody in order for you to pursue your own personal growth. Further, good luck to your family in the event that they try to obtain ANY kind of custody of your children. HE is their father, HE will obtain custody.

Please think of your children, not yourself. Honestly, this man was good enough to have children with (not even one child, you had more than one!), he should be good enough to care for your children. You have given no reason for anybody here to think that he is incapable. Living with his parents and wanting his wife to do his laundry are not reasons why a judge would find a parent to be unfit. You need to look at the bigger picture here.

 

[Proserpina]

I'm not "offering" anything. If I could have restricted it, I would have.
The argument of "he is a child himself" wasn't valid enough for the court system here.
Luckily (or unluckily) he lives with his parents and shows no signs of ever leaving....so there are 3 other adults there who do the laundry and the cleaning and some of the general childcare.
if he was living alone i'd be completely unable to sleep at night.

Doesn't matter.

I find it rather offensive that you'd suggest that I ought to give up custody of my kids.

Now why would you be offended? Because you know it IS a valid legal option and don't want to admit that?

Understandable perhaps, but the legal reality remains: He is fit to take care of the children.

Never going to happen. If anything were to happen to me my entire family has instructions to fight my Ex tooth and nail to keep him from becoming primary custodian.

Good luck with that. Do you realize how far off base you are with this one? Something happens to you = Dad gets custody. Unless he's unfit...and we've already established that he is NOT unfit.

If I could fathom a way to keep him from having extended visits at all, believe me I would have fought it. The only thing that would serve would be for me to spend every dime I own and then some, and the same exact custody arrangement now. That does nobody any good - most of all the children.

Bottom line?

You're not in control here. You need to understand that. This is not about what's best for you, but what's best for the kids.

And that is to have regular continued access to BOTH parents.

 

[Tex78704]

If anything were to happen to me my entire family has instructions to fight my Ex tooth and nail to keep him from becoming primary custodian.

Given the father already has Joint Managing Conservatorship, and if something were to happen to you, it is absurd and complete nonsense to believe for a minute that a Texas court would give custody to anyone in your family over the father's objections.

Much of your reasoning and arguments are irrational and vindictive. Based upon this and the current custody orders, it is extremely unlikely you will prevail on a contested relocation bid. Even less likely if the fathers parents can foot the bill for a strong legal defense.

The only way you are going to move the children out of state is if you can convince the father to agree to this, and this would require you to concede much more than it appears you are willing to do.

Texas case law is not rigid with regards to relocation, and does allow this if the custodial parent has the requisite relocation imperatives, the move is not perceived to be in bad faith, and that it is ultimately determined to be in the childrens best interests.

Either way, in order for a custodial parent to prevail on a contested relocation in Texas, one should review cases such as Lenz v. Lenz, Bates v. Tesar, Echols v. Olivares, and others to get a feel for what is required to relocate. If you cannot frame your argument for relocation in a similar fashion to the above cases, then the odds of you prevailing are close to nil.