Need Advice

[WyattJ]

What is the name of your state? Illinois

Since 1994, the year my son was born, I have had joint parenting agreement. My son is now 9 years old. His dad does not help, contribute to anything but does make sure he gets him for his visitation time, which he gives to grandma or his new girlfriend. I am and do plan on getting my papers modified but until then what do I do when he wants this and wants that? I can't take the "no" communication act that he is doing to me. He talks to me through grandma and girlfriend. In the last 9 years so much has happened that my son is now in counceling..even though this is normal to him because we had these papers done since he was 2 months old. I just need some advice and help on how to deal with him. I am married to a good man who helps with my son but my son still needs to bond with his biological father. There is just so much going on to type it up right now but I like to learn of all the laws regarding visitation, and child support. Our papers state that I am the custodial parent meaning I have primary custody, and he is the non-custodial parent. HELP please!

 

[hexeliebe]

I am and do plan on getting my papers modified but until then what do I do when he wants this and wants that?

Tell him no. Or explain here what you mean by "this and that".

but does make sure he gets him for his visitation time, which he gives to grandma or his new girlfriend.

How he spends his time with his child is not your concern nor do you have a right to dictate how that time is spent. Just as he doesnot have the right to tell you how to spend your time with your son.

Also, visitation is a right, not an obligation. It's up to him whether or not he chooses to exercise that right...and how.

He talks to me through grandma and girlfriend.

So? You are no different than thousands of other divorced parents.

The main point here is that as long as you and he are following the custody/visitation order from the court there's not much you can do.

Now, if the order specifically states that 'father shall pick up the child...' and he asks the girlfriend or grandmother to do so, you can refuse.

If it's not in the order, it doesn't happen.

 

[WyattJ]

More details

Ok..Maybe I should of went into more detail. I was just in court the other day because he wanted to get me into Contempt of Court because I did't supply him with my son report card and other information. For the last 4 years that my son has been in school I have done it all....supplied everything he wanted plus our papers state that he can have all copies of school status. Well last year I had learned that he can go to the school and fill out a form to have everything sent to him. He refused to do it...he wants me to do it all. The judge dismissed the charges because it was not intended for me not to give it to him, but at the time I was behind. I go to school, work, and volunteer at my son's school. I just busy and forget. The judge seen right through him. I think the only reason why he did it to me was because I had him in court all year just about. The beginning of 2003 we were in court because he was $3,000 and more behind in child support and I got that judgement and he did pay it. Then later in the year we were in court because he hit my son wrong. He was not charged on the abuse because my son said that it didn't hurt so the judge couldn't charge him with battery. I know I can't tell him what to do with his visitations but it does get irrating to see he wants me to do everything our papers state but he doesn't need to anything himself. I get to claim out son on income tax but he has been. I have already wrote the IRS and sent them a copy of the papers. He still claims him but at least I don't get any more of the papers from the IRS saying someone else is claiming the same number.
Basically I am furious that I am the bad mother and he is made to look good at all times.

 

[jez51]

You don't have to talk to the grandma and girlfriend if you don't want to, it's none of their business.

 

[Holly Golightly]

It can certainly get frustrating when dealing with an ex.

My advice to you is something that was given to me. Read your custody and visitation order. If it states you are to do something (like give dad the report cards, etc.) do it. If it doesn't say to - don't if you don't feel like it.

If dad is asking for you to do a thing he could do himself, write him a letter and tell him he needs to do it. Keep a little journal of documents like that so you have them if you need them.

You'll be legal and he'll be notified and taking care of HIS own part of the deal.

Good luck.

 

[tigger22472]

It can certainly get frustrating when dealing with an ex.

My advice to you is something that was given to me. Read your custody and visitation order. If it states you are to do something (like give dad the report cards, etc.) do it. If it doesn't say to - don't if you don't feel like it.

If dad is asking for you to do a thing he could do himself, write him a letter and tell him he needs to do it. Keep a little journal of documents like that so you have them if you need them.

You'll be legal and he'll be notified and taking care of HIS own part of the deal.

Good luck.

Good advice Holly but I would also recommend that the state guidelines are double checked also just to CYOA. The guidelines are what the state considers MINIMUM requirements.

 

[WyattJ]

Thanks

I do keep a journal of everything..from phone conversations to talking to the grandma and girlfriend. As for my son's school journal it doesn't state in our papers I have to give that to show him..but I do...just so I don't have to listen to have the crap. I did give send it with my son tonight for his weekend visit and with it I attached a letter (which all letter I send I keep a copy and attach his reply to it) and in that letter I asked that all communication concerning our son be between us and us only, and that he could go to the school and get any copy of anything his heart desires. I was nice in the letter. No threats or anything. So far I haven't heard from him and I doubt I will. I also reminded him that he still owes my half on a medical bill from Feb of this year. He refuses to pay his half to me since I paid the whole thing, only because he says that when he paid his back child support this past spring that was also his part in the medical bill. Our papers state that we each pay half on uncovered medical bills (which this dentist bill was not covered on my insurance) and that he also has to pay child support. I also thought those were two different issues that he has to pay both. That is the same with I never stopped visitation because he got $3,000 and more behind on child support. They are two different issues.
Thanks for all the advice...I would love to hear more and more.

 

[FJ1200guy]

Hi Wyatt...
Say, what exactly is the visitation schedule according to the custody order?

 

[WyattJ]

Visitation

Every other weekend from Friday at 5 pm to Sun 7 pm
Every other Wednesday from 5-7
Every other one day holiday from 8 am til 8 pm > M.L.K. Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day, and 4th of July
Every other alternative holiday being Thanksgiving from Thursday at 9 am until Sun 7 pm, Christmas vacation from Dec 19 at 9 am until Dec 25 at 10 am
Easter from Friday at 9 am - Sun 10 am
Father Days 9 am - 7 pm, Mothers Day 9 am - 7 pm, Child's birthday for two hours, and 2 weeks in the summer
Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter and 4th of July schedule as follows regardless of whose weekend

I have abide by this since my son was 2 months old...there were times that we had to change due to occassion's that have arised, and I have documented all of it for the last 9 years.
We have joint parenting agreement that is 6 pages long and judgement of parentage that is 4 pages long.

 

[FJ1200guy]

Wow, pages and pages of court agreements, eh? If I were you... I'd stick as close to your agreements as possible. Make him pick up the child according to your order... stick to the written word. Normally it's nice to remain flexible, as it can help out both parents in some situations, but since he seems to be causing trouble, forget flexibility for awhile maybe. For example, don't send him any school stuff. Don't discuss any changes in his parenting time. If he doesn't pay what he is supposed to, take him to court for comtempt. Perhaps he'll appreciate the communication you've been attempting when you stop trying to please him.
It just doesn't seem to me that with such a detailed CO that there should be so many issues here. If you read all these answers to your posts, they all say basically the same thing. Quit letting this guy manipulate you.

 

[WyattJ]

Wishes

Wow, pages and pages of court agreements, eh? If I were you... I'd stick as close to your agreements as possible. Make him pick up the child according to your order... stick to the written word. Normally it's nice to remain flexible, as it can help out both parents in some situations, but since he seems to be causing trouble, forget flexibility for awhile maybe. For example, don't send him any school stuff. Don't discuss any changes in his parenting time. If he doesn't pay what he is supposed to, take him to court for comtempt. Perhaps he'll appreciate the communication you've been attempting when you stop trying to please him.
It just doesn't seem to me that with such a detailed CO that there should be so many issues here. If you read all these answers to your posts, they all say basically the same thing. Quit letting this guy manipulate you.

Our order doesn't say that he has to pick up the child. That is just one of the things I would like to get modify, which I am working on. And the papers do state that I have to supply him copies, but its too much for me, I suggested he could go to the school and now he has since I sent him the form in the mail and the school gave me a reply envelope for him to send it back and he did. But the point is simple....he does manuiplate me all the time. My husband can not stand the guy when he "cuts" me down and threatens us. I just hope that he doesn't fight the new modifications because I don't plan on changing the visitation times at all..this is all my son knows and he doesn't seem to mind to spend more time with grandma..since she does everything for him..more than spoil anyway. I just want some of the stipulations changed. There are too many to actually go by but I do the best I can.....I just wish he would do his end of the bargin. He wanted these papers and had forced me to sign them without reading them, I was just out of the hospital and just turned 18, I was along with him. After the copies came in the mail, my father (who at the time I was living with was devastated to see those and seen what I did) explained basically that I gave my next 18 years away to this guy. Basically like being married to him, which I never did, but this seems worse.
Yes with all of the details we have many, many issues. I thought joint parenting was suppose to be 50/50 on issues with the child on raising him but he never helps. Mu husband has done more then he has and my husband has his 4 kids too, but they live with there mom and that is another issue. They don't have these problems. They had a simple divorce. He got his visitation, and child support arrange and they are happy with that. I wish I would of have more courage at the time to say "no" to this guy but I was scared and now 9 years later I am not. I have more bravery now then ever. If you had read before I had taken him to court and all on my own. When I took him back for child support, I subpeona the place where he got a workmens comp settlement, the place where he purchase two new cars (instead paying) and subpeona his bank accounts. That made me feel good to be able to do all that without lawyers! I did have a few advice from them but never wasted my money. Now I can use the money for a lawyer to get it modified unless I can find a way to do it myself...but that maybe tricking being this ex of mine will fight it.

 

[tigger22472]

I'm not going to lie and tell you that I read all of your last response but I'm to respond to what I did see. You said your order does not say you have to take your child to him. This is why I suggest you look at your state guidelines and see how it is addressed in there. In my state the receiving parent does the transportation. That means when it is HIS parenting time it is HIS responsibility to pick the child up and not yours to take the child there. It is HIS responsibility to either exercise his visitation rights or not. Don't let him play you!! What's he going to do? Go to a judge and whine that you won't bring the child to him? OR do what I did when my ex pulled that. I lived 45 minutes away. I charged him 20$ each time he wanted visitation for gas. And he KNEW if he didn't pay me the kids wouldn't be back unless HE provided transportation. You need to remember.. that you are no longer with this man and it's not your responsibility to make sure he grows up. That's the problem with us women. We end up doing everything for them and the second we stop they do too... Well, you're intitled to a life also. Trust me.. I've BTDT.

 

[stealth2]

Re: Wishes

my father (who at the time I was living with was devastated to see those and seen what I did) explained basically that I gave my next 18 years away to this guy.

Well, that's what happens when you have kids with someone - married or not. Your lives are tied together until the kids are grown.

 

[jez51]

Transportation

If it's his weekend, he should pick your son up, and when its time to come home, you should pick him up from dad's. Unless your CO or state guidelines say different. At one time my ex and l lived about 3hrs away, we then just met in the middle. Transportation along with everything else is a 50/50 deal.
On the medical bill issue, your ex is wrong, his half does not come out of the child support.

 

[WyattJ]

Thanks

Since my son was 2 months old....his grandma comes and picks him up and drops him off. He only lives 10 minutes from me. When we first started this until my son was 18 months old we only lived 5 houses down from each other. We both at the time lived with our parents. Just recently he moved 5 mintues away with his girlfriend and now she is the transporting party. We never had a problem with the picking up and dropping off, just him not doing it. I do get tired of having to communicate through other people besides him concerning our son.