Parental Alienation?

[DA412]

What is the name of your state? TN

I have a 9-year-old daughter with my ex (never married). We have a court order with visitation for me set as week long visitations and half of the summer. Every time our daughter comes to stay with me, her mother will call 3 or 4 times during the week, telling her about all these new things that she bought her and all kinds of fun things to do when she gets back home. It's very consistant, she does it during every visit. The only reason I know is because our daughter tells me about all of it and she gets very anxious about going back to her mother's. I've expressed to my ex that it's interfering with my visitation with our child, but she claims she's not doing anything wrong. I've researched Parental Alienation and it seems that this would be a form of it. I wanted to get your opinion on this and to give me any kind of advice on what I should do.

 

[mommyof4]

The mother of your child calling a few times a WEEK is what you think alienation is?

 

[DA412]

The mother of your child calling a few times a WEEK is what you think alienation is?

No, no, I'm sorry for not being more clear. The promising her new toys and making her want to come home sooner is what I thought could be alienation. After the phonecalls with her mother, our daughter gets very anxious and wants to go home sooner to get her "new stuff".

 

[mommyof4]

Is there anything in the court order about how often or when phone contact must be allowed/made possible?

If not, then don't answer the phone every time she calls. Mind you, I am not saying that you should not allow phone calls at all when your child is with you. Just limit the impact Mom has a bit.

This really isn't 'alienation' per se. It's more of Mom acting like a spoiled 6 year old brat trying to make sure that she is still the favorite.

This is also a great time for YOU to teach your daughter that material things aren't the most important things in life.

 

[DA412]

Is there anything in the court order about how often or when phone contact must be allowed/made possible?

If not, then don't answer the phone every time she calls. Mind you, I am not saying that you should not allow phone calls at all when your child is with you. Just limit the impact Mom has a bit.

This really isn't 'alienation' per se. It's more of Mom acting like a spoiled 6 year old brat trying to make sure that she is still the favorite.

No, there's nothing in our order that states anything about phone contact. However, there's a TN Statute that states we're allowed at least 2 phonecalls per week, which my ex reminds me of constantly. My attorney advised me that allowing her 3 phonecalls a week will keep me in the good graces of the court. But, still, even if she was only allowed one phonecall, she would still bribe her. Is there anything I could do to stop this? I feel like it's taking away part of my visitation with our daughter.

 

[stepmomndad]

If not, then don't answer the phone every time she calls. Mind you, I am not saying that you should not allow phone calls at all when your child is with you. Just limit the impact Mom has a bit.

This is an excellent piece of advice. My ex will call our daughter at least once a day every day that I have our daughter, even if only for a weekend. I've just begun to not answer the calls each time she calls. Putting the ringer on silent seems to work wonders!

 

[mommyof4]

Realistically, at this point, no.

You could try talking to her about how you fear that y'all's daughter is becoming to materialistically oriented. Keep calm and non-accusatory and ask her to help come up with suggestions about how to combat this 'problem'.

Keep a journal (dated) to note the times that this happens.

You just don't have anything to take to court at this point. A judge is going to be underwhelmed at your claims of alienation when your only evidence is your daugther's anxiousness to go home after talking to her mother.

 

[DA412]

Realistically, at this point, no.

You could try talking to her about how you fear that y'all's daughter is becoming to materialistically oriented. Keep calm and non-accusatory and ask her to help come up with suggestions about how to combat this 'problem'.

Keep a journal (dated) to note the times that this happens.

You just don't have anything to take to court at this point. A judge is going to be underwhelmed at your claims of alienation when your only evidence is your daugther's anxiousness to go home after talking to her mother.

Yeah, I understand what you're saying. I already know how any kind of conversation about this is going to go, but I'll keep trying. At what point do you think I'd be able to bring this to the court's attention?

 

[DA412]

Sorry, I don't want my thread to get lost in the forum. Any advice on if/when I should act on this?

 

[wileybunch]

Is this alienation? It may well be. It's not compelling enough for the court, though. The most you could get done is a limitation on the amount of phone calls. But, a few times a week isn't excessive. My husband has the same thing with what his ex does. It's terrible b/c she's happy when she knows she's made the child unhappy, homesick, feeling like they're missing out, etc. Then she knows she's done her job. I've seen the youngest go from very happy go lucky to sullen and sad after a phone call with her mom.

The suggestions you've already been given are really the way to go. Do not answer the phone every time she calls. You shouldn't block her calls, but she doesn't have to have immediate access to the daughter (unless it really is an emergency -- in which case she would leave a msg and you'd know).

I don't know that I'd bring up the materialistic thing to the ex, but I would find ways to work it into every day conversations with the child. We have the same thing going on and it's very difficult to combat that (and the tandem condition of envy/jealousy and a keeping up with the Joneses mentality) and you may never truly "win" in that regard, but you have to do the best you can to teach her good values when she's with you and then hope she chooses the better part.

 

[DA412]

Thanks, everyone, for the great advice. I truly appreciate it.

 

[CJane]

Ummm... what about teaching your child that 'things' are not as important as PEOPLE - especially FAMILY and that her new 'things' will be there, just as shiny and new and cool in X days as they are right now?

This honestly doesn't sound like alienation to me. It sounds like Mom is TRYING to make her house the Disneyland house - and that's not necessarily RIGHT - but that's not alienation. And your CHILD getting 'anxious and wanting to go home to get her stuff' is a problem w/the CHILD being taught that it's ok to be shallow and materialistic.

Does she want to move to the North Pole to get her junk from Santa RIGHT NOW?

 

[profmum]

This is an excellent piece of advice. My ex will call our daughter at least once a day every day that I have our daughter, even if only for a weekend. I've just begun to not answer the calls each time she calls. Putting the ringer on silent seems to work wonders!

Lousy piece of advice, ie blocking one parent from having telephone contact with the child.

 

[StampGirl]

This is an excellent piece of advice. My ex will call our daughter at least once a day every day that I have our daughter, even if only for a weekend. I've just begun to not answer the calls each time she calls. Putting the ringer on silent seems to work wonders!

Horrible advice.

How would you feel if your Ex was "putting the ringer on silent" so that the child couldn't have contact with YOU????????????

My ex calls our kids every single day. Our court order has that in it. We each get to call once a day when the kids are not in our custody. Do I care? No it doesn't bother me in the least.

Get over the fact that the kids talking to their other parent is a bad thing.

 

[stepmomndad]

Lousy piece of advice, ie blocking one parent from having telephone contact with the child.

The child's not getting phone contact blocked from the other parent. We're just not answering when the other parent calls every day at least one-two times a day. We allow reasonable phone contact, and more than what her mother allows me (I'm allowed no more than two times a week). Oh, and our daughter is able to call her mother whenever she likes. There are lots of days where she asks not to have to talk to her mom.

Oh, and I'm the NCP so the weekend a month that I get to spend with our daughter is very valuable to me.