Primary caretaker and status quo?

[ocgirl26]

What is the name of your state? California

Hello, I have a 21 month old son. I have been my sons only caretaker since birth and his father has only been involved on a very limited basis and our son has never lived with him. His father is in Iraq as a civilian contractor and has been for about a year and will be return soon. I heard from the grape vine that he plans to take me to court for custody when he gets back. I want him to spend time with our son but feel that 50/50 physical custody is not a good idea. I think that once our son is comfortable with his father that every other weekend it apporpriate. Our son has no idea who he is and he lives 40 miles away. Plus I have a job that allows me to work from home so I am only away from our son 6 hours a week. Is the court likely to give him 50/50 phyiscal custody? That would mean my son would be put into daycare when he was staying with his father when he could be home with me! Do California courts give alot of consideration to a childs primary caretaker and status quo? Just a side note: We have never gone to court and he does pay child support.

 

[seniorjudge]

Q: Is the court likely to give him 50/50 phyiscal custody?

A: There is about a 50-50 chance, more or less. Of course, the father could get full custody also.

 

[nextwife]

Conversely, will the court punish father and child because dad was in Irag by severely limiting the time, once a graduated reintroduction has been completed, that dad and child get to have with each other?

Your child is quite young, and will easilly be able to accept dad into his life once reintroduction has been achieved. My child was 25 months old when she got to have us in her life full time, and easilly accepted the change.

 

[Silverplum]

This poster has had a whole big thread on this very topic, on "another" site.

Same advice. The law doesn't change from legal info site to legal info site site.

What is the name of your state? California

Hello, I have a 21 month old son. I have been my sons only caretaker since birth and his father has only been involved on a very limited basis and our son has never lived with him. His father is in Iraq as a civilian contractor and has been for about a year and will be return soon. I heard from the grape vine that he plans to take me to court for custody when he gets back. I want him to spend time with our son but feel that 50/50 physical custody is not a good idea. I think that once our son is comfortable with his father that every other weekend it apporpriate. Our son has no idea who he is and he lives 40 miles away. Plus I have a job that allows me to work from home so I am only away from our son 6 hours a week. Is the court likely to give him 50/50 phyiscal custody? That would mean my son would be put into daycare when he was staying with his father when he could be home with me! Do California courts give alot of consideration to a childs primary caretaker and status quo? Just a side note: We have never gone to court and he does pay child support.

 

[ocgirl26]

Yes I did

Yes I posted this question on another advice wedsite. That doesn't mean that the question isn't any less important for this concerned mom!

 

[IrishLady47]

I want him to spend time with our son but feel that 50/50 physical custody is not a good idea.

Why?

I think that once our son is comfortable with his father that every other weekend it apporpriate.

Would you like to only have EOW for the rest of your child's life? Why is that okay for Dad? Agree that an re-introduction schedule w/gradually increasing visitation would be BEST for your son. You need to come to some agreement w/Dad or it will be up to the court to decide. Either way, it is not ONLY up to you to decide on future visitation just because you have been primary caretaker up to this point

That would mean my son would be put into daycare when he was staying with his father when he could be home with me!

Not necessarily, 50/50 or another form of shared custody can be worked out so daycare could be avoided.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? California

Hello, I have a 21 month old son. I have been my sons only caretaker since birth and his father has only been involved on a very limited basis and our son has never lived with him. His father is in Iraq as a civilian contractor and has been for about a year and will be return soon. I heard from the grape vine that he plans to take me to court for custody when he gets back. I want him to spend time with our son but feel that 50/50 physical custody is not a good idea. I think that once our son is comfortable with his father that every other weekend it apporpriate. Our son has no idea who he is and he lives 40 miles away. Plus I have a job that allows me to work from home so I am only away from our son 6 hours a week. Is the court likely to give him 50/50 phyiscal custody? That would mean my son would be put into daycare when he was staying with his father when he could be home with me! Do California courts give alot of consideration to a childs primary caretaker and status quo? Just a side note: We have never gone to court and he does pay child support.

Ok....here is the truth...sigh.

A judge isn't going to give 50/50 custody to a parent who is a stranger to the child, and in this case, dad is a stranger to the child. A judge also isn't going to give primary custody of a child to a parent who is a stranger to the child, unless the parent currently with primary custody can be proven legally unfit....and that is a high burden for the parent to prove.

So, what's likely to happen is that the judge will award dad parenting time in phases, based on the child getting to know him. If dad remains in your area, then possibly, at some time in the future he could get 50/50 custody.

And guys and gals, this dad is in Iraq as a civilian contractor. He is not there because he is fighting for our country, he is there because he is being paid BIG bucks. The civilian contractors over there are making 3 to 10 times as much money, as they could make in the states. I know this because I do tax returns for quite a few of them.

The soldiers over there are getting a bonus for being there, but they still are not making near enough money to be doing it for the money......but the contractors?...they are in it for the money. This guy chose to be half a world away from his child for money. It may have been a good choice for him, or even a needed choice to get back into good financial shape, but it was still completely a choice and a choice based on money.

 

[ocgirl26]

Thank you for your answer

First off yes he did it for money.... He loves to buy new things and has gotton himself into substaintial debt. He could of easily stopped going out to dinner and buying new things and managed his debt. But he chose to leave his son to pay off his debt and I am very sure that when he gets back he is just going to buy more new things. So, with that said my question is why would a court give 50/50 custody if that would have mean that my son would be in daycare when it was his fathers time? I am able to work from home so I am with him all day and work during his nap and at night. It just doesn't seem right to me!

 

[LdiJ]

First off yes he did it for money.... He loves to buy new things and has gotton himself into substaintial debt. He could of easily stopped going out to dinner and buying new things and managed his debt. But he chose to leave his son to pay off his debt and I am very sure that when he gets back he is just going to buy more new things. So, with that said my question is why would a court give 50/50 custody if that would have mean that my son would be in daycare when it was his fathers time? I am able to work from home so I am with him all day and work during his nap and at night. It just doesn't seem right to me!

As I said before, some time in the future dad may be able to get 50/50 custody....even if that means that the child is in daycare during dad's time. Its not a guarantee, its simply a possibility. However, at this point in time, that's not going to happen, because dad is a stranger to the child, by his own choice.

 

[nextwife]

First off yes he did it for money.... He loves to buy new things and has gotton himself into substaintial debt. He could of easily stopped going out to dinner and buying new things and managed his debt. But he chose to leave his son to pay off his debt and I am very sure that when he gets back he is just going to buy more new things. So, with that said my question is why would a court give 50/50 custody if that would have mean that my son would be in daycare when it was his fathers time? I am able to work from home so I am with him all day and work during his nap and at night. It just doesn't seem right to me!

Because daycare is HELPFUL in learning skills like turn taking, socialization with a variety of children from different backgrounds. Our daughter BENEFITTED from her daycare/experience. Why should dad miss all those nights and mornings with his son just because he will be working, the way most people need to work to acquire health insurance, accrue retirement benefits, disability, SS retirement credits etc?

And what will you do when sonny boy STOPS napping? You will still need to work.

LdiJ, you carry on about a ONE year old as if he needs YEARS to get to know dad well enough to be comfortable, and to work up to 50/50. Parents may hate to admit it, but a child that age can very easilly accept an additional adult into their life. I and many other parents who first started parenting their kids WAY past age one can attest to the fact that they can attach and bond with people new to their lives way beyond age one.

 

[ocgirl26]

Thank you for your answers

How is it in the childs best interest to be in daycare if they can be with one of their parents? I think children need consistency and this man is not at all consistent. I will never think that 50/50 is a good idea.

 

[ocgirl26]

Because daycare is HELPFUL in learning skills like turn taking, socialization with a variety of children from different backgrounds. Our daughter BENEFITTED from her daycare/experience. Why should dad miss all those nights and mornings with his son just because he will be working, the way most people need to work to acquire health insurance, accrue retirement benefits, disability, SS retirement credits etc?

And what will you do when sonny boy STOPS napping? You will still need to work.

Our son can get that interaction from the activities that I take him to.... I am sorry but a child in daycare from 8am to 6pm (which is what would happen to my son) is not a good idea. Esp. compared to being home with his mom. Why should my son suffer so his father can have an hour in the morning and an hour at night? Most likely my son will stop taking naps when he goes to preschool. Then I will work while he is in school. Or I can just work at night. i have a very flexiable job.

 

[IrishLady47]

As a Department of the Army employee for over 32 years, I'd like to comment on the contractors in Iraq. Yes, they are making extremely good money--but if they (or most of them) weren't there doing their jobs, our soldiers would not be able to do their job as well. I know this for a fact.

I have soldiers who volunteer, more than once, for combat zone deployments to make more money. And, I have soldiers who go when ordered to go because they will not shirk a duty even though they may not willingly seek it. Doesn't really matter--everyone is important to getting the mission accomplished.

I have fellow federal employees who volunteer to go (and we may make a few extra bucks--but unlike contractors and active duty military--get no tax break); some for the money; some for duty to country.

Regardless, this mom needs to accept the fact that she will not have total control over how much the father does or does not get in visitation rights, long term. She needs to wrap her head around that and go for what is best for THEIR child. She needs to work with Dad on a gradual plan so child is comfortable with Dad. And, after that, she needs to continue to work with Dad on shared custody. Doesn't need to be 50/50. But if she goes into this with this "I think EOW is appropriate", she will not only antagonize Dad, but the family court judge in the long run.

 

[IrishLady47]

Our son can get that interaction from the activities that I take him to.... I am sorry but a child in daycare from 8am to 6pm (which is what would happen to my son) is not a good idea. Esp. compared to being home with his mom. Why should my son suffer so his father can have an hour in the morning and an hour at night? Most likely my son will stop taking naps when he goes to preschool. Then I will work while he is in school. Or I can just work at night. i have a very flexiable job.

Your son will not always require daycare. What will be your reason then for him not spending time with Dad? And, I'll bet you'll have one. If you didn't want a father to have any input on your child's life, you should have gone to a sperm bank. You didn't, so deal with it--and that includes working with Dad on what is BEST for the child.

 

[Just Blue]

Our son can get that interaction from the activities that I take him to.... I am sorry but a child in daycare from 8am to 6pm (which is what would happen to my son) is not a good idea. Esp. compared to being home with his mom. Why should my son suffer so his father can have an hour in the morning and an hour at night? Most likely my son will stop taking naps when he goes to preschool. Then I will work while he is in school. Or I can just work at night. i have a very flexiable job.

Your attitude regarding your child is not healthy. Children in Day Care do not "suffer". And it's interesting that you don't have an issue with P-K but are opposed to Day Care.
Get used to the idea of Dad having time with his child...the sooner you do the better for your child.