Seeking Advice

[Az.guy]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Az.

My son is 9 years old and I care for him at his mother's house the nights she works (as an ER nurse). His mother and I never married.I have been taking care of my son 50% of the time for the last 3 years. I also care for him when she goes out on dates on her days off and I take him to church on Sundays. The reason I take care of him at his mother's home is that so he could have a stable environment, rather than spending alternative weeks in different households. I recently moved 25 miles away from his mother's home so I could be closer to my work ( I am a college teacher and have many positive letters of reference, going back for years).

Mom is going through a mid-life crisis, doesn't want me around her place anymore, and has suggested I have my son at my house on alternative weeks. I do live about 30 minutes from here house and his school. This arrangement would mean I drive 2 hours a day to get my son to his school and pick him up. I'm only working part time at present and this arrangement is not very feasible.

Mom and I had a bad brake up 5 years ago, and during the break up she called the police on me and I was arrested for domestic violence, but the DA dropped the charge to disturbing the peace (loud noise). I completed an anger management as part of my probation for the misdemeanor. I also completed an alcohol/drug awareness course I took on my own after I quit drinking.

His mother and I have 50/50 custody (in California) and have never had legal documents drawn up in Arizona. I can't afford an attorney, and I also receive social security for a mental illness that I have been treated for and has been stabilized for years. I have also been in personal therapy for years for my own benefit.

My question is: should she and I seek private mediation or try to figure this out ourselves. We do not get along so well but have worked together in the past for the best of our son. I would like to avoid going to court as she possibly use my past against me to limit the time I have with my son.

Thank you for your time.

 

[mistoffolees]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Az.

My son is 9 years old and I care for him at his mother's house the nights she works (as an ER nurse). His mother and I never married.I have been taking care of my son 50% of the time for the last 3 years. I also care for him when she goes out on dates on her days off and I take him to church on Sundays. The reason I take care of him at his mother's home is that so he could have a stable environment, rather than spending alternative weeks in different households. I recently moved 25 miles away from his mother's home so I could be closer to my work ( I am a college teacher and have many positive letters of reference, going back for years).

Mom is going through a mid-life crisis, doesn't want me around her place anymore, and has suggested I have my son at my house on alternative weeks. I do live about 30 minutes from here house and his school. This arrangement would mean I drive 2 hours a day to get my son to his school and pick him up. I'm only working part time at present and this arrangement is not very feasible.

Mom and I had a bad brake up 5 years ago, and during the break up she called the police on me and I was arrested for domestic violence, but the DA dropped the charge to disturbing the peace (loud noise). I completed an anger management as part of my probation for the misdemeanor. I also completed an alcohol/drug awareness course I took on my own after I quit drinking.

His mother and I have 50/50 custody (in California) and have never had legal documents drawn up in Arizona. I can't afford an attorney, and I also receive social security for a mental illness that I have been treated for and has been stabilized for years. I have also been in personal therapy for years for my own benefit.

My question is: should she and I seek private mediation or try to figure this out ourselves. We do not get along so well but have worked together in the past for the best of our son. I would like to avoid going to court as she possibly use my past against me to limit the time I have with my son.

Thank you for your time.

You should absolutely try to work it out yourselves - the results will be much more positive if you can agree to something than if you have to live with what the court assigns you.

You will probably find that a 50:50 arrangement like you're proposing is going to be very difficult if you live that far apart. It can be done, but it requires significant sacrifices - which it sounds like you don't want to make. So go with a different parenting plan.

 

[TheGeekess]

Your CA orders are still valid in AZ.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Az.

My son is 9 years old and I care for him at his mother's house the nights she works (as an ER nurse). His mother and I never married.I have been taking care of my son 50% of the time for the last 3 years. I also care for him when she goes out on dates on her days off and I take him to church on Sundays. The reason I take care of him at his mother's home is that so he could have a stable environment, rather than spending alternative weeks in different households. I recently moved 25 miles away from his mother's home so I could be closer to my work ( I am a college teacher and have many positive letters of reference, going back for years).

Mom is going through a mid-life crisis, doesn't want me around her place anymore, and has suggested I have my son at my house on alternative weeks. I do live about 30 minutes from here house and his school. This arrangement would mean I drive 2 hours a day to get my son to his school and pick him up. I'm only working part time at present and this arrangement is not very feasible.

Mom and I had a bad brake up 5 years ago, and during the break up she called the police on me and I was arrested for domestic violence, but the DA dropped the charge to disturbing the peace (loud noise). I completed an anger management as part of my probation for the misdemeanor. I also completed an alcohol/drug awareness course I took on my own after I quit drinking.

His mother and I have 50/50 custody (in California) and have never had legal documents drawn up in Arizona. I can't afford an attorney, and I also receive social security for a mental illness that I have been treated for and has been stabilized for years. I have also been in personal therapy for years for my own benefit.

My question is: should she and I seek private mediation or try to figure this out ourselves. We do not get along so well but have worked together in the past for the best of our son. I would like to avoid going to court as she possibly use my past against me to limit the time I have with my son.

Thank you for your time.

Your CA court order is still valid. Moving to another state doesn't change that.

However dad, no judge is going to order that mom allow you to exercise your parenting time in her home, if she is opposed to that. So you are either going to have to transport your son back and forth to school during your parenting time, or you are going to have to move back closer to your son's school. I don't see any other alternatives.

You can certainly try to mediate the situation, and a judge would likely require that anyway, but I cannot see any way that you would be permitted to exercise your parenting time, in her home, if she is opposed.

 

[muchneededhelp]

I recently moved 25 miles away from his mother's home so I could be closer to my work ( I am a college teacher and have many positive letters of reference, going back for years).

If you are only working part-time, why not move back to Jr's area? Then you'd be able to bring him to school and pick him up, while only driving 1 hour total round trip (instead of the 2 you quoted) for your work commute. Then the current custody arrangement still works, you can have your child with you, and no need for confrontation with the ex regarding a new parenting plan.

Also, I understand the need for a child to have a stable environment, but he's 9. It's been long enough, he understands that you and mom are no longer together. Don't worry about his stability, he'll do just fine. If I were mom, I'd probably request you start taking him to your house as well!

 

[Az.guy]

I just signed a 6 month lease, and also live in the desert, nothing between my home and him but cactus. Right now I just can't afford the gas, and she's not willing to help me out on that end...and without some outside support I can't drive 1200 miles a week taking my son to school and back.

I understand if she doesn't want to see me, in which case there is overnight childcare available in the small town she lives in and I'l more than happy to take my son friday-sunday night.


Also, my part time job may very well become full time salaried next month.

 

[mistoffolees]

I just signed a 6 month lease, and also live in the desert, nothing between my home and him but cactus. Right now I just can't afford the gas, and she's not willing to help me out on that end...and without some outside support I can't drive 1200 miles a week taking my son to school and back.

I understand if she doesn't want to see me, in which case there is overnight childcare available in the small town she lives in and I'l more than happy to take my son friday-sunday night.


Also, my part time job may very well become full time salaried next month.

Well, Mom doesn't have to pay for your transportation unless the court order says so.

Bottom line is that something has to give. It's up to you to decide what you want to give up - unless you can convince Mom to agree to something that works better for you.

 

[muchneededhelp]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Az.

My son is 9 years old and I care for him at his mother's house the nights she works (as an ER nurse). His mother and I never married.I have been taking care of my son 50% of the time for the last 3 years. I also care for him when she goes out on dates on her days off and I take him to church on Sundays. The reason I take care of him at his mother's home is that so he could have a stable environment, rather than spending alternative weeks in different households. I recently moved 25 miles away from his mother's home so I could be closer to my work ( I am a college teacher and have many positive letters of reference, going back for years).

You had your child 50/50 for 3 years, then chose to put distance between yourself and your son that could cause transportation and financial hardship. Was this never considered when you took this job and moved?

Mom is going through a mid-life crisis, doesn't want me around her place anymore, and has suggested I have my son at my house on alternative weeks. I do live about 30 minutes from here house and his school. This arrangement would mean I drive 2 hours a day to get my son to his school and pick him up. I'm only working part time at present and this arrangement is not very feasible.

Of course it's not feasible. Remember- you created the distance though. Mom is only asking for you to take Jr. as you have in the past, 50/50 split.

My question is: should she and I seek private mediation or try to figure this out ourselves. We do not get along so well but have worked together in the past for the best of our son. I would like to avoid going to court as she possibly use my past against me to limit the time I have with my son.

Thank you for your time.

As long as you've been keeping up on therapy (and nothing has happened recently for her to bring it up) your ex has no reason to bring up the past. You both have shared 50/50 custody of your son for 3 years. Status quo is on your side.

I just signed a 6 month lease, and also live in the desert, nothing between my home and him but cactus. Right now I just can't afford the gas, and she's not willing to help me out on that end...and without some outside support I can't drive 1200 miles a week taking my son to school and back.

Little confused on this math... trying to figure out how 100 miles round trip a day equals 1200 a week? Regardless, you created the distance, so of course she isn't obligated to help you one bit. You mention you are on Social Security- SSDI? If so, you must get check to help you support your child?

Please remember, if custody changes from 50/50 to just weekend visitation, you most likely will be required to pay child support if ex requests it. I would suggest sitting down with her and writing up a new visitation schedule, have it notarized, and submit that to the courts. You BOTH are better off figuring out what works best for each of you and your son, then having a judge decide for you.

 

[TheGeekess]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Az.

( I am a college teacher and have many positive letters of reference, going back for years).

and I also receive social security for a mental illness that I have been treated for and has been stabilized for years. I have also been in personal therapy for years for my own benefit.

Thank you for your time.

Little confused on this math... trying to figure out how 100 miles round trip a day equals 1200 a week? Regardless, you created the distance, so of course she isn't obligated to help you one bit. You mention you are on Social Security- SSDI? If so, you must get check to help you support your child?

I'm not sure OP knows....

 

[stealth2]

Little confused on this math... trying to figure out how 100 miles round trip a day equals 1200 a week?

It's that danged new math.