STBX threatens family pet

[LdiJ]

You now, Ginny, we're trying. She's 9 yrs old, is a siberian husky and is not accustomed to sleeping outside so it makes it difficult to find someone who can take her in that has a fenced yard and room enough for her to sleep at night. My younger son - who was sitting at the table when his dad said the dog is dead in 7 days - has even tried asking school friends. We tried keeping her at my neighbor's during the day when we're at work and school but the other 2 dogs there were having none of it. So we're kinda stuck.

My older son (she was his b-day present when he turned 10) refuses to consider fostering her as he says whether his dad has her removed or we foster her he still loses his dog. I'm trying to get him to see that at least he'd know that she was happy and well cared for. He's being stubborn and I'm hoping that when the emotions calm down, he'll see it's best as I don't know how any of us will be comfortable leaving her when STBX shows back up.

Unfortunately, due to STBX's illness, the divorce has been prolonged (2 1/2 years) and I think we're all tired of the Jekyl and Hyde routine from STBX - we never know what we'll be dealing with next. I'm a big believer in karma so I keep trying to be the better person, ignore STBX and it's rare that I'll respond to him. I did so last Thursday because his mom was there and my son was at the table so I figured he'd only keep on with his mouth and not attempt anything physical. Normally I'm way too intimidated & other than cooking and eating dinner with my sons in the kitchen, we all just stay in our bedrooms. I'd take my sons and our dog and just go (I have residential custody via parenting plan) however I am solely responsible for the mortgage payment & cannot afford to pay that and rent so ...this has been our life for quite some time now.

I know a lot of women and men make false allegations re: verbal and emotional abuse and I recognize that as a result, the law needs proof to ensure folks aren't wrongly accused. But I just think once your pet's life (she's already afraid of him now) is threatened, most likely, you're moving out of the verbal arena andi t's going to get physical. I am preparing for it to be either my younger son or myself that will be his next target as we're the 2 dealing with the verbal and emotional now.

It's unbelievable to me that I am not able to protect our dog via legal means simply because he is a co-owner. I am the other co-owner, I pay for everything and yet I can't even protect our dog. I really don't understand it.

I agree with Ohiogal. I think that you need a new attorney and that you need a restraining/protective order, and I think that you need them now. You are getting a divorce...its time for him to be out of your home permanently.

 

[tuffbrk]

Get another attorney. Seriously. Get a new one that will go to bat for you. If youa re afraid of him it is time to get a cpo.

Like I said in the past OG, I wish you were in Jersey!! I would love to retain someone new- but this is my 2nd attorney, highly recommended. No sooner retained him, then he made partner. I have spent countless hours w/paralegal assigned to me reviewing, re-reviewing, explaining options, bonuses, the situation, etc - it's really not rocket scientist stuff - advised him repeatedly that she and I weren't communicating effectively. Finally she quit but then I had to spend time reviewing everything w/him as he didn't have time to assign me a new paralegal.

I could spend an hour recounting the arguments, last minute nonsense, etc. that I've dealt with. Most recently the judge got annoyed and told STBX's attn'y that he watned a firm date from his client as to when he'll show up in court. Well STBX kept ignoring his attn'y so then that attn'y calls mine who has his admin call me. I said that's an issue btwn STBX, his attn'y and the judge - why are you calling me? I don't care if the judge gets mad at him and do not charge me for this call!

I feel as if he is keeping me on a back burner despite my being a squeaky wheel. All total over the past 2 1/2 yrs, I've spent $27.5k - he's gotten $12k thus far - and recently asked me for a retainer replenishment and I told him no that I'm just tapped out financially...and I am. Thought maybe he'd push stuff thru just to get rid of me since there's no more money forthcoming except for monthly payments to his firm until the house is sold but I guess not. I get bonus in January. If this is all still not done, I'll get a new one - a woman this time - immediately. In the interim, if STBX shows back up and starts in - I'm calling the police and then going to the courthouse for a TRO. Even if it doesn't become permanent, it'll give us some breathing space...

 

[tuffbrk]

But how do I do that?

I agree with Ohiogal. I think that you need a new attorney and that you need a restraining/protective order, and I think that you need them now. You are getting a divorce...its time for him to be out of your home permanently.

Wait a sec!! I just read LdiJ's agreement with OG while I was typing out my attn'y woes - you BOTH think I can get an order? Even tho my attn'y is advising me differently? He keeps asking me how will I prove it and I don't have any proof. The 14 yo witnessed this last episode...the only other "witnessed" episode was back in January when he was screaming sexual/obscene comments at me (you beg men to *** you in your @ss) in front of my 19yo and his girlfriend when I questioned him about what happened to the college fund $ and if he spent it all. He's thrown out, broken, and destroyed a lot of stuff, bleached and ripped up clothes and is always harrassing me but I've no idea how to prove it - I bought a little dictophone to keep on my person when he comes back to try to "catch" him on tape? You don't think I would need that?

 

[stealth2]

Google for a rescue group in NJ/NY/PA - I bet they can arrange an emergency foster for you.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Explain to your child that asking someone to foster the dog is NOT the same as giving the dog away forever. I would take your dog if I didn't live so far. I fostered a dog, after our first hurricane in 04, when their family's temporary living situation didn't allow for a pet. There are people with big hearts that would open their homes for someone in your position.

 

[tuffbrk]

Now there's a good idea, relatively inexpensive....my older son will have a fit but at least she'd be safe.

 

[Ohiogal]

Wait a sec!! I just read LdiJ's agreement with OG while I was typing out my attn'y woes - you BOTH think I can get an order? Even tho my attn'y is advising me differently? He keeps asking me how will I prove it and I don't have any proof. The 14 yo witnessed this last episode...the only other "witnessed" episode was back in January when he was screaming sexual/obscene comments at me (you beg men to *** you in your @ss) in front of my 19yo and his girlfriend when I questioned him about what happened to the college fund $ and if he spent it all. He's thrown out, broken, and destroyed a lot of stuff, bleached and ripped up clothes and is always harrassing me but I've no idea how to prove it - I bought a little dictophone to keep on my person when he comes back to try to "catch" him on tape? You don't think I would need that?

Are you and your kids afraid of what your STBX will do? Are you afraid he may harm you or the children? Are you afraid of what he is capable of? Your 19year old can testify as a witness as can his girlfriend if she is 18 or over. The court may talk to the 14 year old in chambers if the child witnessed this violence -- is the 14 year old afraid of him and what he will do?

 

[tuffbrk]

My answer is yes to every question. I'm the one dealing with 98% of it. What scares me most is that I am not always able to be at the house when the 14 yo is home.

14 yo - He hasn't said he's scared of Dad. He is intimidated by Dad, tells me he is tired of being screamed at, wanted a lock on his bedroom door - which I did for him- but it's one that I can "pop," had to be nagged to make calls 2x's a week while Dad was in the hospital, went to visit 1x and then declined to go again - said he didn't know what to talk about - I haven't directly asked him if any of it is because he's scared. I'm usually there to intervene when Dad acts up - like on Easter when Dad flipped out because he had left the house but was coming back in. Meanwhile, the 14 yo didn't know that and had locked the door which set STBX off. The 14 yo is always locking doors - I believe it's because he is scared. I don't answer back much when the STBX starts unless it's related to my son but then my son panics and tells me to "just let it go, so he'll go" which is how he deals with it. If he doesn't answer, then eventually Dad shuts up or goes away.

19 yo - I don't believe he is scared or intimidated at all. He is able to escape it at will thru work, GF house & school. Yet when Dad isn't around - like the past 3 1/2 weeks - he and GF are home w/me practically every night. His dad can barely be bothered w/him (wasn't a pawn in the custody battle). Although even he only went to visit Dad 2x's in hospital and had to be nagged to call. His GF advised that he is well aware of what is "going on" with all of the ugliness being spouted at me and that he thinks his dad is trying to get to me, and that he'll say anything to try to make me look bad so that the boys will feel sorry for him and that it's wrong...that -to me at least- does not sound like a scared kid.

 

[Ohiogal]

My answer is yes to every question. I'm the one dealing with 98% of it. What scares me most is that I am not always able to be at the house when the 14 yo is home.

14 yo - He hasn't said he's scared of Dad. He is intimidated by Dad, tells me he is tired of being screamed at, wanted a lock on his bedroom door - which I did for him- but it's one that I can "pop," had to be nagged to make calls 2x's a week while Dad was in the hospital, went to visit 1x and then declined to go again - said he didn't know what to talk about - I haven't directly asked him if any of it is because he's scared. I'm usually there to intervene when Dad acts up - like on Easter when Dad flipped out because he had left the house but was coming back in. Meanwhile, the 14 yo didn't know that and had locked the door which set STBX off. The 14 yo is always locking doors - I believe it's because he is scared. I don't answer back much when the STBX starts unless it's related to my son but then my son panics and tells me to "just let it go, so he'll go" which is how he deals with it. If he doesn't answer, then eventually Dad shuts up or goes away.

19 yo - I don't believe he is scared or intimidated at all. He is able to escape it at will thru work, GF house & school. Yet when Dad isn't around - like the past 3 1/2 weeks - he and GF are home w/me practically every night. His dad can barely be bothered w/him (wasn't a pawn in the custody battle). Although even he only went to visit Dad 2x's in hospital and had to be nagged to call. His GF advised that he is well aware of what is "going on" with all of the ugliness being spouted at me and that he thinks his dad is trying to get to me, and that he'll say anything to try to make me look bad so that the boys will feel sorry for him and that it's wrong...that -to me at least- does not sound like a scared kid.

Go for one for you and ask that the children also be protected due to the threats dad has made in their vicinity and the violence they have seen -- even if it is just verbal> explain to the court that the 14 yo wanted a lock on his door. The 19 year old HOWEVER will NOT be protected as a minor because he is not. Nor can he be forced to visit with dad.