Stealth2 ?

[shari36]

What is the name of your state? Oregon

I have a question for you regarding my on going visitation battle.. I have posted on here of my case in the past.. I was served papers in Sept 2004 and this case is still going on and on. I have a court date set for May 25, 2005 if the case is not settled by then. Quick run down of case. Absent father of 9 years, $8,999.00 owed back child support, Total of three visits in 9 years. Just flat out an absent bio man.. Went to mediation and we couldnt agree on reasonable visitation. Reasonable meaning a get to know type plan. He is demanding so much without giving much if any thought to the child..I finally stuck my ground and denied all that he was asking and came up with what I thought would be a good starting point as far as absent father and child go.. In the mean time (while all this legal action is taking place) he still does not have contact with child. Still does not pay court ordered child support. What am I supose to think or do in this situation??

I was trying to see the positive outcome here but honestly I cant get past the inconsistant behavior on this mans part.. What can I do in court? What should I do in court.. Do I owe this man any slack? Im totally lost as to whats the right thing to do.. If I really had my way I would go for my husband adopting my son. That is who my son knows as Dad.
On the other hand I do not want to burn any bridges for my son.. Please give me your take and feedback on this Stealth
Thank you
Shari

 

[tigger22472]

I'm not Stealth, however, I do have a question for you. When and why did he file for visitation? Was this brought on after CS issues were brought to light? What I mean is, were you or the state pushing for the CS and he up and decided he would go for visitation or did he just all of a sudden appear wanting visitation?

 

[stealth2]

I think you'll get a lot of good feedback from a number of different posters. Let's start with the questions tigger asked - the answers to those would help.

 

[Zephyr]

I empathize with your feelings towards the bio dad completely! unfortunately it's not up to the cp to cut or not cut ncp slack. they are the other parent to these children and our children deserve as much of them as they can get. I do think you should hold to your stance of a "get to know you" visitation schedule to start, but be well prepared to explain why, anyone with common sense should know why, but still be prepared to defend it. and do your best to support your child through the transition, the anger and injustice you feel are totally reasonable, unfortunately it is not reasonable to use them.

 

[Boyington]

We thought about adoption in our case, unfortunately we thought about it too late?

I do not know about your state, but in our state if 24 months (being consecutive and directily preceeding the motion for adoption) have passed without one parent assuming the responsibilities of being a parent (no child support for 24 months, or not contacting the child in 24 months) a judge is very likely to go for the adoption. I believe in some states they do the same thing but only look for 12 months of a parent being absent.

Anyway, we didn't think about adoption until after the mother finally decided she would like to know the kids. More than 24 months had previously passed in a consecutive manner, yet we did not think about adoption until after the mother had contacted the kids on the phone and expressed an interest in visitations.

I think that the father of your children will get visitation if he is asking for it, and because he is now expressing and interest in them I do not think adoption would be a consideration..unless he has still not made one child support payment for a very long time. Has he refused to financially refused to support them for 24 or more months straight up to this current time? If so you'll want to see if in your state that would be grounds for an adoption.

I would think that a plan could be designed so at first the kids are not staying overning or spending long periods of time with someone who is a stranger to them, but if all goes well through an adjustment period I would think the visitation would then increase some.

 

[JulieHun]

I kinda know what you are going through..

My daughter is 16, will be 17 in Dec. My ex has had nothing much to do with her since he remarried 9 years ago. He now has 4 children with his wife, and his wifes dad, molested our daughter and then hung himself. My ex did not support daughter at all through this ordeal. I know this is a different situation kind of. But I ALL but begged Dad to be a part of her life. I even went and agreed to no child support last Feb, hoping this would help him show her "some" attention. I told him the phone lines are always open for him to call her and tell her he loves her, or to check on her. I told him the door is always open. He called her last June 20. That was it. His wife however still tries to email me or instant message me, and ask about my other 2 daughters. I guess the child support, didnt help the jealousy go away on her part.
What my point is, is you just have to get to a point to where you have to let go...We cant make them be DAD. If he wants visitation, have him fight for it, or file with the courts. He wont do it unless he wants to anyway.
Ive wasted several years, on begging and pleading, Deep down, I have this little flutter of hope that he will someday, make an appearance, but I doubt it. However my daughter has moved on with her life, and loves her step-dad.

 

[shari36]

re-

Tigger
He filed for visitation at the end of August 2004 and I was served papers for custody,parenting time and support on Sept 11 2004.. Child support was ordered in 1996 at $96.00 a month and I didnt have it modified until Sept 2004. I have not pushed for child support. I know back in 98 they suspended his license for not paying. Other than that I havent had much care in the money, as I am able to provide for my child and he has never helped out in the past. In June 2004?(Im not sure of exact month) He called out of the blue and wanted to see our son. I had no problem with this except my son was scared for obvious reasons( never having seen this man). I only asked that he come here for awhile so he could get to know him. We live 8 hours apart. He made one trip here for 1 hour with my son.. After that he wanted to take him for a week and I said I didnt think it was a good idea at this point. Thats what ticked him off and thats when and why he filed papers.

I do understand him wanting rights to his son, But come on why all the demands right off the bat and why continue the absent parent act if in fact this is what he really wants? If his actions arent going to change, how am I supose to help my son get to know this man on a consistant basis?
Shari

 

[shari36]

Re-Juliehun

Juliehun, I agree with you. I did just finally move on with our life (my son and I) I tried to keep him involved for the first two years or so and it didnt get very far. You cant make some one want to be a parent. I can however make sure that my sons feelings and well being are protected. Thats where all the conflict comes in.. Part of me really knows not so deep down that this man will not be there for long.. To turn my sons world upside down for a brief moment is not what I am prepared to do..So I guess what Iam trying to say is I dont think I should make this easy for him. He hasnt gave a thought to our son in all these years and now he thinks I should just hand him over with no problem.....WRONG
Shari

 

[JulieHun]

Re: Juliehun

Sounds like you are on the right road, we just have to put our children first, and sometimes, they get there hearts broken along the way, just as it breaks our hearts as Mothers. I feel that same rejection, that my daughter felt, and it is hard. Im sure you understand exactly what Im saying. Before my ex, just totally gave up (since last June), he would pop in and out of her life, usually when stepmom, wanted to see our home or something, it was usually uncomfortable, they would come in, sit on the couch, stepmom just wanted my daughter to play with her kids outside, and they would visit with me. My daughter never got one on one time with Dad. It was more like they were just being nosy, and left. My daughter asked her dad several times starting at around age 12 or so, if he could take her to a movie or out to eat. He would tell her no, that it wasnt fair to his other kids! This hurt her bad, and I never understood it, they had him full time. She just wanted an hour or so, with her dad. She used to cry, and cry, but now that she is older she is dealing with it. She says she wishes he would of just stayed gone. I think all the rejection, and adjusting to him either not wanting to be with her, or not coming around hurt worse. I tried to let him know, by agreeing go without child support, that I wasnt concerned for the money, just him and my daughter having a relationship. But actually it was his ticket outta here. My daughter asked on June 20, 04, if I brought her to him, and hour away, and if he could just spend the day with her, I was gonna send the money, for shopping, lunch, movie whatever. He said he would call the next day....never heard from him about it. Now she is a year older, and year maturer and she is disgusted with the way he has treated her. Stepmom, wrote me like a month ago, and told me to be sure and let them know when her graduation is, they would like to attend. That is still 2 years away. Like she will be thrilled to see them. I know deep down, I would let him see her if he tried. But I dont think he will. Thats just the mom in me, but as far as my daughter is concerned, I would just leave it all up to her...We have let go, its been a hard long road..but she has let go, and I am working on it.
Sorry this is long, and not legal advice, just experience.

 

[shari36]

Tigger or Stealth can you get back to me?

I know you are busy but am really wanting to hear what you have to say. I have answered your ??.
Thank you
Shari

 

[LdiJ]

I know you are busy but am really wanting to hear what you have to say. I have answered your ??.
Thank you
Shari

I think that what they were trying to get a feel for was whether dad was coming back into the picture because he realized that he wanted to be a part of his son's life......or if dad came back into the picture because he was ticked off that child support caught up with him.

I think you did answer that question.

Dad is going to get visitation. Most like the judge will order some "get acquainted" time in your area before dad gets to take the child off to his home for a week...but since your child is at least 9 years old that won't last as long as it would for a younger child.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to expect dad to take time to get acquainted with the child...I just don't want you to have too high of an expectation on how long that time will last.