Step Parent Problem

[>Charlotte<]

I wouldn't condone smacking somebody for the simple pleasure of it; however in severe circumstances, sometimes you need to shock their system.

 

[stealth2]

Excuse me ?!?!?!?!?!?!?! How dare you!!!!!!!!!! Obviously I wouldn't condone upsetting a child, for the simple pleasure of it!!!!! However in severe circumstances, sometimes you need to shock their system.... if the girl wants to be treated like an adult,why not sit her down and explain a few things to her about her dad.....Granted maybe what I had previously said was a little harsh, but perhaps sitting her down and talking maturely to her zmight be a little different....

However I do resent the way I was told I needed to be smacked i the face!!!!

Guess what aufulmomof2? You'd not only deserve said smack upside the head, but I'd administer it with pleasure. You do not EVER say something like that to a child. EVER.

 

[Free_Radical154]

As a rebellious, uncouth, unruly and anti-authoritarian youth...

I can tell you from my observations of living among the less sophisticated of my species that sometimes, teenagers do incredibly, *incredibly* stupid things just to prove their right to independently choose to do incredibly, *incredibly* stupid things. Some, however, choose to do incredibly, *incredibly* stupid things just because incredibly stupid things are generally very fun to do.

The marijuana, for example. In this country, it's illegal- which immediately makes it dangerous and sexy and the perfect sort of incredibly stupid illegal thing someone can do to prove their autonomy. In countries where it is legal or effectively legal, the culture surrounding it is less one of sexy dangerousness and more one of doing stupid things for fun.

My point here, is you need to find out *why* she's doing these incredibly stupid things. If she's doing it to establish herself, the horizon is bleak. If she has a true adolescent spirit, she'll push back as hard as you push in in this case, and ultimately become miserable and withdrawn if you interfere with the legitimate aspects of her life, IE, stalking her at school.

If she's doing it because it's just fun, the sun shines- you can probably punish some sense into her or convince her that the unpleasantness you'll visit on her would make it so it wasn't worth her time. Risk vs. Reward probably won't register if she's just acting out for the love of acting out, though.

So floats the question: Is she doing this to establish her independence, or just because she likes to screw around in self-destructive ways?

If you'd like an answer this question, I'd suggest... asking it to your daughter in sweeter and less leading words. She's an at least semi-intelligent human being, and could probably provide more insight into her own behavior than this crack-squad of free advice lawyers.

The sheer fact that you've come to us with this question instead of to your own daughter, does in my opinion reflect a deficit in your parenting style of an adolescent that would suggest that this is a struggle towards independence, but I honestly cannot know.

But still, let's not be negative. She's not a Pavlovian mutt to be conditioned to a desired behavior with random beatings. I assume she can speak, so just prepare a few facts about what alcohol, tobacco and marijuana do to her, and ask her, "Why?".

If she is doing this for the love of rebellion, as her attitude towards her stepfather implies, try negotiating a plan that gives you what you want, a drug free, minimally respectful daughter, and gives her what she (probably) wants- a thin vestige of freedom, self-definition, and respect. Just try to show her a little respect, and don't expect her not to act like a child if you treat her like one. Most of the advice on this forum seems to be oriented towards nailing home the point that you are the mother and she is the child, but this *exactly* the sort of thing she'll hotly despise if I'm right about her motivations in this case. Of course, I may not be.

Really. Reciting dogma about how she is inexorably a helpless child is a BIG NO-NO, and in fact defying what she is (probably) hoping to (half-rightfully) disprove in her drug-happy antics.

But really. BIG NO-NO. My mother does that to me all the time. It makes my stomach churn and bile wash over my grit teeth as it summons a little devil to sit on my shoulder and say, "Go get a tattoo and join a street gang!"

Just keep in mind she'll be free to do all these stupid things in less than a year, and pray you can figure out a way to beg, beat, or bargain it out of her before that time.

By the way...
That bit about not having to respect the guardianship of her stepfather while you're in the state doesn't really sound likely. That's probably something she heard, or mystically decided, while stoned on Pete's couch.

 

[VeronicaLodge]

I wouldn't condone smacking somebody for the simple pleasure of it; however in severe circumstances, sometimes you need to shock their system.

100% awesome!