"step" parent rights in Colorado

[rbw5147]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Colorado

I am the biological mother of a 4 year old boy. Fairly recently, my son's father moved in with his girlfriend. My son spends 57% of the week with him and 43% with me, though we have a joint parenting plan...joint decision making, 50/50 holidays and summer vacations. I also have "right of first resual", if he is not able to care for our son. I am very present and active in my son's life, attending all school functions, doctor's visits, etc. Up until a couple of months ago, I had maintained a good relationship with his father's girlfriend. Polite, friendly, absolutely no issues. I was grateful for the role she played in my child's life and I had made sure that she knew this. A couple of month's ago, my son had a parent/teacher conference scheduled at school. Without consulting me first, he and she made the decision that she should be involved and present at this meeting and all future ones. I handled the situation very well and nobody present knew that this was upsetting to me. Afterwards, I politely attempted to speak to him about this and was immediately shut down. I reached out to her to try and discuss this and was ignored. I also found out (after the fact) that a couple of weeks after this, she kept my son home from school, while his Dad was at work and drove him 70 miles from home to visit with her family. This was all very disturbing to me, but I tried to maintain civility and let the situation ride itself out.

A couple of weeks ago, I called my ex to discuss some travel plans that my son and I had made. She made the decision to answer HIS phone, refused to let me speak to him, and in front of my son (I could hear him in the background and she was spelling curse words directed at me), began to personally insult me and point blank said, "tough sh**", she was going to do whatever she wanted with my child and I would just have to deal with it. I was physically sick about this. I felt so powerless. I made the assumption that they were right and there was nothing that I could do. I do not have the representation of an attorney at this time.

I decided to research this myself and from all the information that I found, discovered that this is not true and I do not have to just accept this. I was told by my former atty, that this could be considered "interference" with my parental rights, as his biological mother. I emailed my ex and expressed this to him, clearly spelling out what was unacceptable to me and received no response. I spoke to the director of my son's school and though I have no doubt that she respects how I feel, was told that it was the school's policy, that they receive some written, legal documentation regarding this, before I could have any say in this situation, as far as they were concerned. I feel that this would all be different if I weren't so active in my son's life. I resent feeling "intimidated" by both of them. This is my child that I love more than life and would spend every second of every day with him, if that were possible. This isn't the reality that we live in however, and I accept that. I absolutely want my son to have a positive relationship with his Dad and his girlfriend, but the bottom line is that I no longer trust her to respect me in front of my son, when I'm not present. Could you please advise me on my rights and where I can go with this?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[haiku]

First don't call yourself the "bio-mother" unless you are giving up your boy, you are his mother, plain and simple.

I am a step parent, and I have gone to parent teacher conferences with my husband, but we never go with the mother-they don't get along and also live far apart, so they schedule separately. I don't have any real advice there, as lots of schools schedule seperate conferences for divorced parents.

Now, ultimately its DAD you are actually having a problem with, not step mom, because Dad is the only parent here besides you. I would make it clear to dad, in person and by email, that being as step mommy has been a bit of a hmmmm... You will now only communicate with dad. If she answers the phone tell her she needs to put dad on the phone if she won't, hang up on her. If she calls you, after asking if dads been in an accident, and thats why he is not talking to you, hang up on her.

Start documenting your interactions with everyone, and keep telling yourself you do NOT have to communicate with her. Yes, she lives in the same house your son also lives in, but she has as much right to parent that child as a roommate or your Aunt Fanny does...Wat she does in her house, is between her and her husband, but she has no call to think she has any say with YOU.

 

[cherylsarah01]

Hi,

I am in CA but please read some of my previous post and the advice that the Sr.'s have given.

I know what you are going through. I do not have FROR though. I am currently working on a modification of my custody agreement for a no third party interference.

I have also received the same answer when I spoke with my child's school that there is no way that I can stop her volunteering and decission making until I have the court order.

She has also stopped all co-parenting and will not let me speak, email or call my ex at all. She will not allow me to have contact with my child or my child me when she is there. And so much more I could go on all day. I spoke with him, she standing next to him, for just a moment when they tried to stop a holiday visitation and that did not go well as I could not get a word in edgewise while she lied through her teeth.

The Seniors here will help guide you down the correct path and give you advice.

Good Luck

 

[PQN]

school

Call the school back - unless there is a court order against it, they have to speak with you as the child's mother. This isn't even a stepmother -- just daddy's bed buddy.

 

[haiku]

The school didn't say they wouldn't speak to her, they said they were not going to barr either parent from school without a court order that specifically said so. Which is pretty standard.

 

[rbw5147]

You are absolutely right. I am his mother. His only mother. Giving him up is about as likely as my amputating my own legs. I should have read some of the other posts before I said that.

My issue is obviously with him. It became an issue with her when she made the choice to answer his phone and inform me that she would do whatever she wanted to do with my son. I have not communicated with her since then and have absolutely no intention of doing so in the future. But yes, this was a blatent passive/aggressive attempt by HIM, to disrespect me. However, she is a 33 year old woman, with a brain and will of her own (I assume). No, she is isn't a step-mom, nor a fiancee. She is a girlfriend. I completely understand that what she does in her home, is her business.

I don't mind if she picks him up from school. I don't mind if she attends school parties, etc, when she is with my son's father. I do not believe that she should be involved in "parenting" issues, such as parent/teacher conferences. My first reaction was, "well those meetings will be done separately now." Meaning, my ex and I will have separate meetings with the school. I have been "her" in other relationships and have ALWAYS been very respectful of "the mom." I would NEVER consider attending somebody else's childs parent/teacher conference, as long as that child had two parents present in that child's life. Never. And actually yes, the school did say that they could not withhold information regarding my son, if she asked for it.

What about her keeping him home from school, while his Dad was at work, and driving him 70 miles to spend time with her family? This was time that I gladly, would have spent with my son.

I sincerely appreciate all the feedback!

 

[AkersTile]

While I do agree with most of the posts on here, I do need to clarify.

CherylSarah~ StepMom does NOT have any decision making rights At All. The school can get in legal trouble for allowing her to make decisions. Unless she has Dad's POA she can't do anything regarding kiddo.

You can file for a modification requesting no 3rd party interference.

 

[stealth2]

And actually yes, the school did say that they could not withhold information regarding my son, if she asked for it.

Oh, they certainly can. My kids' school called me when stepmom called them asking questions about #1 - wanted to know if it was okay to talk to her. I said no - if Dad had questions, he could call them himself. And they absolutely WERE to give HIM any information requested. But not her.

 

[haiku]

What do you mean the school said they would give HER information if she wanted it? Your son is 4, is he in public school yet? Is this a pre-K public school program?

As far as keeping a 4 year old home from school, again this was your husbands doing, on his time, and for a 4 year old, its honestly not a hill worth dying on.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

She is the GIRLFRIEND. She is NOT a stepmom. Were you available that day to watch the child? If so, you could file for contempt against DAD on the ROFR.

 

[haiku]

While I do agree with most of the posts on here, I do need to clarify.

CherylSarah~ StepMom does NOT have any decision making rights At All. The school can get in legal trouble for allowing her to make decisions. Unless she has Dad's POA she can't do anything regarding kiddo.

You can file for a modification requesting no 3rd party interference.

And a POA does not give you rights to make decisions involving his children, only HIM.

 

[rbw5147]

This is a private, pre-K school program. He will not be in public school until next year. Yes, school said that if she requested information regarding my son, that they could not withhold it from her. Is this factual? Again, she is a girfriend, not a step-mom. How can she have the right to private information, regarding my son?

Yes, I was available to spend that time with my son and would have done so in a heart beat. No, it's not a "hill worth dying for", but if I set the precedent that keeping him home and driving him 70 miles to spend time with HER family is ok now, when it's not, I fear that I'm setting myself up for something more. I did not mention this event in the first email that I sent to my ex because I was unclear on what was LEGALLY my right or not. Yes, I do have right of first refusal and have never refused.

Again, thanks!

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

The ONLY rights she has would be the ones that either dad or you conferred to her. Say that DAD gives the school permission for them to give GF info, then yes. SHE does NOT have rights in of itself.

It is best to have everything in writing so that if it happens again, then, it would be worthy of a court date.

 

[cherylsarah01]

And a POA does not give you rights to make decisions involving his children, only HIM.

Oh trust me I hear you guys! I am currently trying to get the no third party interference. I do not mean to detract from original poster's thread but to clarify, and hopefully this may help the original poster now or in the future.

My Ex-husband did up a letter, on his own, and gave it to the school that his wife has all decission making/filling out forms/information getting and volunteering rights for my child. The school has taken that literally as the word of God and lets her do all of that in his place and mine. I have been in a few disagreements with the principal about this because they have become confused and go straight to her with any questions/concerns/problems/information and whatever else and have not informed me at all. Not even when I walk in there and ask if there are any updates or whatever.

The principal said to me that I have to have court orders, such as the no third party interference, to stop this from happening. Stepmom has told me to stop going to the principal, doctors and dentist discussing this because she can do whatever she wants.

Original poster you are Mom and I am so glad that you are educating your self of the legal side of this. Do not ever let girlfriend intimidate you. You learn and get some legal strength in you.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Cheryl, in your case, WHO is the primary parent?

OP - if and when your X chooses to remarry:

http://www2.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/ferpa/library/hastings082004.html

The term "parent" is defined as including natural parents, a guardian, or an individual acting as a parent in the absence of a parent or a guardian. 34 CFR § 99.3 "Parent." The Department has determined that a parent is absent if he or she is not present in the day-to-day home environment of the child. Accordingly, a stepparent has rights under FERPA where the stepparent is present on a day-to-day basis with the natural parent and child and the other parent is absent from that home. In such cases, stepparents have the same rights under FERPA as do natural parents. Conversely, a stepparent who is not present on a day-to-day basis in the home of the child does not have rights under FERPA with respect to such child's education records.

Under FERPA, a school must provide a parent with an opportunity to inspect and review his or her child's education records within 45 days of the receipt of a request. A school is not, however, required to provide a parent with copies of education records unless a failure to do so would effectively prevent the parent from obtaining access to the records. A case in point would be a situation in which the parent does not live within commuting distance of the school. 34 CFR § 99.10.