3 Girls and Lots of Problems

[Luckymommy6]

We live in California,
I have 3 girls ages 12, 11, and 9. We have a court ordered custody and live approx. 2 hours apart. The girls live with me and we have went through a custody evaluation and was pretty much pointless. A year ago my two oldest daughters said they wanted to stop going every other weekend to their dad's house because they miss out on sports and going to friends and parties. I have tried to work with him by changing weekends but he refuses. So we have tried counseling and lots of therapy but nothing works. About 4 months ago my ex said he would sign over all rights and let my daughters be adopted by my husband and they at that time were upset and said no, but two months later my oldest daughter asked again and he said yes. We were in a family therapy session and my other two daughters were asking for more time with their dad. At the time everyone was happy and got what they wanted. Two days later my oldest daughter was being told that she had to come over for a visit. Dad wanted my other daughters to live with him and he began saying he wanted to change the court papers to show that and he wouldn't make my oldest come over anymore. When I refused he said that my oldest had to come over again. By the end of the summer the two oldest girls wanted nothing to do with him. Told him so. Called him as often as possible begging to get out of visitation.
Last month he demanded everyone to be there for a meeting so we could talk. He sat down the girls and told us that he was signing over full custody to me and that my daughters no longer had to come see him for visits. He said this to myself and my daughters along with his ex boss. The girls were told it was done and then he left and they were not made to go to his house anymore. Now, he is trying to force me to let my youngest daughter live with him. I refused so he is saying he won't follow what he promised the other girls. He actually tells them if I don't come to an agreement with him then they willl be forced to do this until they turn 18.


Legal question
What can be done to help my daughters? Is there anything to force him to make him follow through with what he promised them?

 

[LdiJ]

We live in California,
I have 3 girls ages 12, 11, and 9. We have a court ordered custody and live approx. 2 hours apart. The girls live with me and we have went through a custody evaluation and was pretty much pointless. A year ago my two oldest daughters said they wanted to stop going every other weekend to their dad's house because they miss out on sports and going to friends and parties. I have tried to work with him by changing weekends but he refuses. So we have tried counseling and lots of therapy but nothing works. About 4 months ago my ex said he would sign over all rights and let my daughters be adopted by my husband and they at that time were upset and said no, but two months later my oldest daughter asked again and he said yes. We were in a family therapy session and my other two daughters were asking for more time with their dad. At the time everyone was happy and got what they wanted. Two days later my oldest daughter was being told that she had to come over for a visit. Dad wanted my other daughters to live with him and he began saying he wanted to change the court papers to show that and he wouldn't make my oldest come over anymore. When I refused he said that my oldest had to come over again. By the end of the summer the two oldest girls wanted nothing to do with him. Told him so. Called him as often as possible begging to get out of visitation.
Last month he demanded everyone to be there for a meeting so we could talk. He sat down the girls and told us that he was signing over full custody to me and that my daughters no longer had to come see him for visits. He said this to myself and my daughters along with his ex boss. The girls were told it was done and then he left and they were not made to go to his house anymore. Now, he is trying to force me to let my youngest daughter live with him. I refused so he is saying he won't follow what he promised the other girls. He actually tells them if I don't come to an agreement with him then they willl be forced to do this until they turn 18.


Legal question
What can be done to help my daughters? Is there anything to force him to make him follow through with what he promised them?

ARG!

No, there is nothing that can be done to force him to follow through with what he promised them.

There are court orders for his parenting time. If you do not honor those court orders (or unless other court orders are made) you could actually lose custody of all three of them.

You are legally responsible for making all three of the children available to dad on his court ordered time. If you do not do so, you are in contempt of court. Children don't get to "decide" about spending time with the non-cusodial parent.

Seriously, you need to educate yourself on what you are doing. You are honestly at risk of losing custody of all three of them if you don't honor the court orders.

Please get yourself a consult with a local attorney, so that you TRULY understand the risks that you are taking.

 

[stealth2]

We live in California,
I have 3 girls ages 12, 11, and 9. We have a court ordered custody and live approx. 2 hours apart. The girls live with me and we have went through a custody evaluation and was pretty much pointless. A year ago my two oldest daughters said they wanted to stop going every other weekend to their dad's house because they miss out on sports and going to friends and parties. I have tried to work with him by changing weekends but he refuses. So we have tried counseling and lots of therapy but nothing works. About 4 months ago my ex said he would sign over all rights and let my daughters be adopted by my husband and they at that time were upset and said no, but two months later my oldest daughter asked again and he said yes. We were in a family therapy session and my other two daughters were asking for more time with their dad. At the time everyone was happy and got what they wanted. Two days later my oldest daughter was being told that she had to come over for a visit. Dad wanted my other daughters to live with him and he began saying he wanted to change the court papers to show that and he wouldn't make my oldest come over anymore. When I refused he said that my oldest had to come over again. By the end of the summer the two oldest girls wanted nothing to do with him. Told him so. Called him as often as possible begging to get out of visitation.
Last month he demanded everyone to be there for a meeting so we could talk. He sat down the girls and told us that he was signing over full custody to me and that my daughters no longer had to come see him for visits. He said this to myself and my daughters along with his ex boss. The girls were told it was done and then he left and they were not made to go to his house anymore. Now, he is trying to force me to let my youngest daughter live with him. I refused so he is saying he won't follow what he promised the other girls. He actually tells them if I don't come to an agreement with him then they willl be forced to do this until they turn 18.


Legal question
What can be done to help my daughters? Is there anything to force him to make him follow through with what he promised them?

This is exactly why it's stupid to allow kids to make these types of decisions. You and Dad both need to grow up and start being adults.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Since when is:

sports and going to friends and parties.

more important than being with a parent?

Your job, as the CP, is to facilitate a relationship between the children and their other parent. Sure doesn't sound like you are doing your job very well. Like any other job, if you fail to do it, then you could get FIRED and become the NCP.

Time to teach the children who the parents are, and who the children are. Children do NOT have the right to overrule the decisions of a judge.

 

[Luckymommy6]

Okay I haven't kept Dad from seeing his daughters and I have tried to help the relationship by going to family counseling with our daughters and asking Dad to join but he didn"t want to join.

As far as the deals that dad made with the girls at no point did he ask me and and at no point did he tell me what he was going to do prior to talking to the girls. He did this on his time during his visitation and I was told after the fact. I just wanted to know if he can continue to tell my daughters over and over one week that they don't have to come to his house and then the next day change his mind and demand for them to be there? Thank you for your legal advice and I see that he is able to legally screw with the kids heads and that is fine.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Then take the children to see someone. They need help in dealing with mercurial disposition.

 

[acmb05]

Okay I haven't kept Dad from seeing his daughters and I have tried to help the relationship by going to family counseling with our daughters and asking Dad to join but he didn"t want to join.

As far as the deals that dad made with the girls at no point did he ask me and and at no point did he tell me what he was going to do prior to talking to the girls. He did this on his time during his visitation and I was told after the fact. I just wanted to know if he can continue to tell my daughters over and over one week that they don't have to come to his house and then the next day change his mind and demand for them to be there? Thank you for your legal advice and I see that he is able to legally screw with the kids heads and that is fine.

Yes he can. Is he being a complete ass about things? Yes he is.

 

[Luckymommy6]

Logical Request?

My daughters really do mean the world to me and my husband. Yes, I do know that my ex and I have both handled our divorce completely wrong and I am paying for it in many ways. I work with my kids every day to help them through the pain and their anger. I make no excuses for my behavior. I won't even go into all the messy details of it

Here is my question...
My ex is willing to sign over and allow my husband to adopt my 2 oldest daughters and my youngest daughter still lives with me. He is asking for a lot more time with my youngest daughter who is 9 and is currently at this time saying she would like to spend more time there. Now we went through a custody evaluation before about 4 years ago and they didn't want my daughters to be without me for anything longer than a week because I am their primary emotional bond. My ex works and he is never at home and my daughters spend their time with their step-mother.

Court is an ugly place been there too many times and nothing gets solved and my kids just feel worse. I want to do what is right for everyone. I am willing to give him the extra time but I just want him to change our drop off to the actual halfway point between our homes now and since my daughter has never had this much time with her dad before in her life I would like to make it that in a year we can go and look at it and make sure that it works for both parties and that she doesn't want to change her mind because of it being too hard on her. It can be re evaluated by our family therapist.
Our visitation is as follows. 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend share holidays and every other week during the summer. We live over 2 hours away(I moved first yes)but he continues to move farther away as we do this. I drive over 1 1/2 to the drop off for him because he told the court that he couldn't see his kids if he had to drive any farther than that.

Does this sound logical? Does any of it?

 

[Eekamouse]

This all sounds like a load of crap. What are you and your ex doing, involving your children in your disputes? And talking about who gets to play daddy this week? They have one father and one mother and you are not doing them any favors by acting like they can be bartered back and forth. It sounds like it bothers you that the youngest wants to see her father more. You should let her. After all, he is her dad. Your husband isn't. You are trying to use her wanting to spend more time with her dad as a bargaining chip to get what YOU want out of your ex . That is just shameful.

 

[Luckymommy6]

Actually I am not the one that started the whole adoption talk of any kind. My ex husband and his current wife sat my 3 daughters down on his visit and told them they could be adopted if they wanted.

No it doesn't bother me my youngest daughter wants to spend time with her dad. He is her dad! I take her every visit to her father and work with him on the days he can't be there or works late. I do it because my daughter loves her dad. The issue was the fact that I have 2 daughters that dad sat down and said he was signing over all rights to me and allowing the adoption then he decided if he was going to sign over his rights then I should allow my younger daughter to move to his house. When he called me for the paperwork about the other girls he tried to put in there my youngest going to live with him and the moment I said no, he said, either you allow her to move into my house or you can forget the adoption. It isn't me that is using the adoption to get what I want from my ex.
I am not innocent in this and I never said I was. I did make the wrong choice and I am guilty of not always saying the nicest words about my ex and I have apologized to my daughters many times.

 

[LdiJ]

Actually I am not the one that started the whole adoption talk of any kind. My ex husband and his current wife sat my 3 daughters down on his visit and told them they could be adopted if they wanted.

OMG. He actually DID that?

No it doesn't bother me my youngest daughter wants to spend time with her dad. He is her dad! I take her every visit to her father and work with him on the days he can't be there or works late. I do it because my daughter loves her dad. The issue was the fact that I have 2 daughters that dad sat down and said he was signing over all rights to me and allowing the adoption then he decided if he was going to sign over his rights then I should allow my younger daughter to move to his house. When he called me for the paperwork about the other girls he tried to put in there my youngest going to live with him and the moment I said no, he said, either you allow her to move into my house or you can forget the adoption. It isn't me that is using the adoption to get what I want from my ex.
I am not innocent in this and I never said I was. I did make the wrong choice and I am guilty of not always saying the nicest words about my ex and I have apologized to my daughters many times.

[/quote]

Anyone who would tell two of their children that they can be adopted by their stepparent, basically telling the children that he doesn't want them anymore, has no business having primary custody, of ANY child.

How do you expect your youngest to spend more time with her father when he lives 2 hours away? Do you plan to give him every weekend? You will absolutely regret that. She will too in another couple of years when she wants to start spending more time with her friends. That is a BAD idea.

If she went to live with him primarily, he would expect you to allow his wife to adopt the youngest, when she got to the age where she wanted to spend weekends at home with her friends etc.

Mom, you and Dad are messing this whole thing up entirely. You messed up when you allowed your daughters to even ask dad if they could avoid going for his weekends, and I am almost speechless about what dad has done.

I know what needs to be done legally to fix this. All three of them need to start going on the visitation with dad, and you need to make sure that they do.

However, based on what has happened, based on the fact that he actually told the older two that they could be adopted by your husband if they wanted that, I honestly don't know what's in the actual best interest of any of the kids.

I think you probably need to go to court to ask the judge to order that ALL of you (steps included) attend family therapy to try to fix things.

This is just unbelievable.

 

[Luckymommy6]

The sad part is that we do family therapy and during one of our family therapy sessions that he scheduled it was hinted about by my oldest daughter. My daughter says somethng like well since we are here I am asking.... remember when we had our talk and you said you would do that for us? He said yes. She said well that is what I want. Therapist says stop right there and tell me what is going on. They explain but they just say to him the part of her not having to go over there. Therapist says okay but I don't feel anyone has to go drastic and sign over any parental rights or anything. That was the start of the summer. Daughter leaves happy she feels she doesn't have to come there but every 4 or 5 visits but she is to be given some notice about it. This is the plan that they work out. (not me) I stay out of their relationship and let them try and work on it. Two days later he demands she come over for his visitation I send her. 3 days later she calls saying she wants to come home and he is allowing her and one of the other daughters. I go and get them bring them to my parents house. After that my oldest daughter did not get phone calls from her dad, the step-mom called and would tell her every other weekend she would have to come and then in the middle of the week I would talk to dad and he would say no, I don't want her there because she doesn't want to be there. All summer long the 2 youngest girls would go to see dad while the oldest stayed with me and during the exchange my oldest daughter was told to come outside to see dad. She would come back in tears. I would ask him what was going on but he would say she was being dramatic like her mother. The end of the summer the two oldest girls had enough and both said no more. He had been working on getting them to live full time with him all summer long but when they didn't comply he got mad. He packed all their clothes, all their belongings said they were no longer able to keep anything but a pair of pjs and a toothbrush there. He then had his wife call me and tell me to pack a bag from now on because I would be sending clothes to his house. He then moved to a smaller house and told them that their house was far too small for them to keep anything there. My daughters ended up feeling like they were not wanted there. Do I agree with any of this? No, I don't. Did I have any say on any of this? No, he didn't ask my opinion! I am trying to do what is right and what is in the best interest of these children.

 

[Luckymommy6]

Possible Solution

I spoke to a lawyer and the truth is that I would do anything for my children, including spend many fast-food dinners with daddy and step-mom just because my children wanted it. Believe me I have spent many a Friday evening having dinner just like this. The thing is that I don't want this about me. I want my daughters to have a voice and to have their voice heard so the lawyer suggested instead of me asking for full custody which wasn't something that I really wanted to do they came up with a possible solution:

What does anyone think about modifying a visitation order and the visitation is only done when the girls give their consent? Plus, instead of me getting a lawyer I would ask the court to appoint a lawyer to represent my daughter's interest in this case?


This is in my opinion the best way for the girls to express their views.

 

[LdiJ]

I spoke to a lawyer and the truth is that I would do anything for my children, including spend many fast-food dinners with daddy and step-mom just because my children wanted it. Believe me I have spent many a Friday evening having dinner just like this. The thing is that I don't want this about me. I want my daughters to have a voice and to have their voice heard so the lawyer suggested instead of me asking for full custody which wasn't something that I really wanted to do they came up with a possible solution:

What does anyone think about modifying a visitation order and the visitation is only done when the girls give their consent? Plus, instead of me getting a lawyer I would ask the court to appoint a lawyer to represent my daughter's interest in this case?


This is in my opinion the best way for the girls to express their views.

You can certainly try. Based on everything that has happened, its possible that a judge would grant that order. You can also expect him to petition that the youngest live with him, but I don't see him prevailing on that, at this time, unless you cave and agree to it.

You would be a fool to cave and agree to it.

It is critical however, that you understand what is the most important and what isn't in the informational flow, because you mentioned the least important information in your first post here, and didn't give the important information until later.