FCS Mediation Hearing....Father trying to get full custody, have 50/50 now

[coroandobbmom]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I have to attend FCS Mediation next week (mandatory in CA). My "X" has filed for full-custody of my two teenage son's 17 1/2 & 15. This came out of the blue. We currently have 50/50 last 8 yrs. When I asked my son's if this was how they felt, they acted bizarre and said "yes". When I asked more questions of why they felt this way, they both could not really give me a reason other than when there in trouble they don't like how I handle it (meaning consequences). Interesting, I got served these papers after I hired an attorney to go after back owed spousal support....nothing to do with the boys. Please give me advice on how I should address the court Mediator. The last time I went 2 yrs ago I was shocked and rattled on how the Mediator questioned both of us. The Mediator even made remarks trying to get us to engage arguements..."I think he still has the hots for you, or maybe you do". It was totally unprofessional (well, as I saw it). Advice appreciated...

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I have to attend FCS Mediation next week (mandatory in CA). My "X" has filed for full-custody of my two teenage son's 17 1/2 & 15. This came out of the blue. We currently have 50/50 last 8 yrs. When I asked my son's if this was how they felt, they acted bizarre and said "yes". When I asked more questions of why they felt this way, they both could not really give me a reason other than when there in trouble they don't like how I handle it (meaning consequences). Interesting, I got served these papers after I hired an attorney to go after back owed spousal support....nothing to do with the boys. Please give me advice on how I should address the court Mediator. The last time I went 2 yrs ago I was shocked and rattled on how the Mediator questioned both of us. The Mediator even made remarks trying to get us to engage arguements..."I think he still has the hots for you, or maybe you do". It was totally unprofessional (well, as I saw it). Advice appreciated...

If you fight it, and you should, odds are that the 17 1/2 year old will turn 18 before the case is finished, and will be able to decide for himself. The 15 year old is another story. If there are no consequences at dad's house then you really need to fight that one.

 

[mistoffolees]

If you fight it, and you should, odds are that the 17 1/2 year old will turn 18 before the case is finished, and will be able to decide for himself. The 15 year old is another story. If there are no consequences at dad's house then you really need to fight that one.

Although a 15 year old boy asking to live with dad may be heard.

I would suggest that you ask for a custody evaluation - where each parent will be interviewed separately and child will be interviewed with neither parent being present. You may have to undergo psychological testing, as well.

However, even for the 15 year old, he may be 16 by the time the order is finalized. That means you're fighting over 2 years - and you could lose even if you win. You may decide that it's more important to have a good long term relationship than to fight over the next 2 years against the son's wishes.

Unfortunately, there's no firm answer.

 

[momofrose]

Although a 15 year old boy asking to live with dad may be heard.

I would suggest that you ask for a custody evaluation - where each parent will be interviewed separately and child will be interviewed with neither parent being present. You may have to undergo psychological testing, as well.

However, even for the 15 year old, he may be 16 by the time the order is finalized. That means you're fighting over 2 years - and you could lose even if you win. You may decide that it's more important to have a good long term relationship than to fight over the next 2 years against the son's wishes.

Unfortunately, there's no firm answer.

'

And just an fyi - these custody evaluations are NOT cheap! - Expect to pay in the thousands for it.

 

[coroandobbmom]

Thank you both for your input. I do understand the empty money pit this could bring. I had a case two yrs ago and got a real taste of that then and we really didn't accomplish much. I am sad & frustrated that I have defend myself now. There are many more factors involved. My eldest son had been getting in trouble with school, ditching, etc. Dad doesn't have much of any consequences in his home, my home does! I hope the Mediator see's through the boys wanting to avoid consequences. The boys love living with me as well and have told me sepertely that they told Dad this months ago (April) when they were getting in trouble but they feel that they would be going back on their word to their Dad. Also, Dad has promised to buy a car for our 17 yr old when this is over.

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you both for your input. I do understand the empty money pit this could bring. I had a case two yrs ago and got a real taste of that then and we really didn't accomplish much. I am sad & frustrated that I have defend myself now. There are many more factors involved. My eldest son had been getting in trouble with school, ditching, etc. Dad doesn't have much of any consequences in his home, my home does! I hope the Mediator see's through the boys wanting to avoid consequences. The boys love living with me as well and have told me sepertely that they told Dad this months ago (April) when they were getting in trouble but they feel that they would be going back on their word to their Dad. Also, Dad has promised to buy a car for our 17 yr old when this is over.

A friend's ex did this to my friend. When each of their sons turned 16, dad bought them a car, and then lied to them and said that the insurance would only cover the car if it was parked at dad's house at night, therefore they could only use the car when they were with dad. That was a lie (the parents live in the same area so there are no insurance rate issues) dad just wanted the boys to feel that the only way they could have their car on a daily basis was to live with him.

She didn't fight dad and she seriously regretted it. Dad managed to completely alienate both kids from her.

 

[LdiJ]

I am going to answer your questions about your pleadings here. You should respond to all of dad's points, but then you should also include relevant info on your end.

A coach throwing dad out of the venue because dad hit your son, is an EXTREMELY relevant issue.

 

[coroandobbmom]

Thank you so much for some direction, I feel overwelmed. I will stay on task responding briefly to Dad's pleadings and then add some very important issues in closing. I will continue to fight for my son's not for selfish reasons but I do know my boys are confused and don't want to have to choose between households. Thanks again!

 

[CJane]

You abandoned your other thread, in which you asked these same questions...

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/changing-50-50-custody-teenagers-523919.html

It's really irritating when people do that. Just FYI.

And honestly, I think you need to do a SERIOUS cost/benefit analysis here. I GET that you want to fight for what YOU think is right for your kids. But if this drags out and you get a custody eval, and spend thousands and thousands, your oldest is still going to be 18 and doing whatever he wants in 6 months and your 15 year old will be closer to that than you might think... and you'll be out all that money and all that stress and all that emotion and all that everything and have had virtually no positive impact -- even if you win.

AND you'll owe thousands and thousands of dollars that you COULD be using to save for college or a car for the kids, or a car for YOURSELF or pedis or whatever, yanno?

All I'm saying is, set aside the "I will fight to the end!" for a minute and determine if the potential outcomes are WORTH fighting about.

 

[LdiJ]

You abandoned your other thread, in which you asked these same questions...

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/changing-50-50-custody-teenagers-523919.html

It's really irritating when people do that. Just FYI.

And honestly, I think you need to do a SERIOUS cost/benefit analysis here. I GET that you want to fight for what YOU think is right for your kids. But if this drags out and you get a custody eval, and spend thousands and thousands, your oldest is still going to be 18 and doing whatever he wants in 6 months and your 15 year old will be closer to that than you might think... and you'll be out all that money and all that stress and all that emotion and all that everything and have had virtually no positive impact -- even if you win.

AND you'll owe thousands and thousands of dollars that you COULD be using to save for college or a car for the kids, or a car for YOURSELF or pedis or whatever, yanno?

All I'm saying is, set aside the "I will fight to the end!" for a minute and determine if the potential outcomes are WORTH fighting about.

I would be 100% agreeing if it was just the 17 1/2 year old, because in six months the 17 1/2 year old could live anywhere he wanted, including back with mom if he really didn't want to be at dad's. If the 17 1/2 year old's life track isn't firm now, six months won't make a difference.

However, the 15 year old is a different story. If there really are consequences and mom's and no real consequences at dad's, his life track could be seriously changed/damaged by going to live with dad.

 

[CJane]

I would be 100% agreeing if it was just the 17 1/2 year old, because in six months the 17 1/2 year old could live anywhere he wanted, including back with mom if he really didn't want to be at dad's. If the 17 1/2 year old's life track isn't firm now, six months won't make a difference.

However, the 15 year old is a different story. If there really are consequences and mom's and no real consequences at dad's, his life track could be seriously changed/damaged by going to live with dad.

Except he ALREADY lives with Dad 50% of the time. And in her first thread, mom was all kinds of blaming Dad for the kids' issues. Which frankly sound relatively "normal" for kids those ages, if not desirable or ideal.

If the 15 year old's "Life Track" is going to be all thrown off and destroyed by living with Dad full time, then why wouldn't the same hold true while he lives with Dad HALF time?

And I didn't suggest that Mom just give in. But with kids those ages, you HAVE TO consider things like the money it'll cost to (perhaps unsuccessfully) fight the change AND the impact on your relationship with the child.

Going to do battle isn't always the best course of action. And if these boys have been "raised right" for the last 15-18 years, then perhaps not fighting tooth and nail is what's in their best interests.

I know from experience that sometimes people fight changes just because they're used to fighting and because they think they SHOULD.

Only Mom knows her REAL reasoning. But I really don't think it's because she thinks the 15 year old's life will be destroyed if Dad gets custody.