Visitation restrictions

[Kalso]

What is the name of your state? Ohio


My ex is the custodial parent, and she doesn't like my current girlfriend. We've recently divorced, and she has refused to let me bring our children to my place because my new girlfriend is there. Does she have the right to do this? Is there anyway I can combat this? She allows me visitation, as long as it is at her residence. It was my understanding that my time with the children was my time with the children, and as long as their health and safety was not an issue, then she couldn't control that time at all.

 

[stealth2]

She probably can't restrict you that way, but what does your order actually say?

And do you really blame her for not being keen on the kids being with a new love right after the divorce?

 

[Kalso]

I'm not saying I blame her for not being keen on it, but that's her issue, not the children's. If this were just a fling, I wouldn't even consider intorducing the children to her. Our actual court order is for flexible visitation, and in the event we do not agree, then we fall back on the state minimum (every other weekend, alternating holidays, etc...), but our separation agreement specifically states that neither of us is to interfere in the lives of the other.

Her lawyer says it's a "reasonable request", but he fell short of saying that it's her right to do so.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

I'm not saying I blame her for not being keen on it, but that's her issue, not the children's. If this were just a fling, I wouldn't even consider intorducing the children to her. Our actual court order is for flexible visitation, and in the event we do not agree, then we fall back on the state minimum (every other weekend, alternating holidays, etc...), but our separation agreement specifically states that neither of us is to interfere in the lives of the other.

Her lawyer says it's a "reasonable request", but he fell short of saying that it's her right to do so.

Write her a certified (RRR) cease and desist letter demanding that she follow not only the letter but the spirit of the current court order and stop interferring in your constitutional right as a father. If her actions do not IMMEDIATELY end, inform her you will seek a show cause for contempt and interference with a parental relationship each and every time she fails to follow the current order.

If it persists for more than two months, file for a change in custody.

 

[LdiJ]

I'm not saying I blame her for not being keen on it, but that's her issue, not the children's. If this were just a fling, I wouldn't even consider intorducing the children to her. Our actual court order is for flexible visitation, and in the event we do not agree, then we fall back on the state minimum (every other weekend, alternating holidays, etc...), but our separation agreement specifically states that neither of us is to interfere in the lives of the other.

Her lawyer says it's a "reasonable request", but he fell short of saying that it's her right to do so.

It actually IS the children's issue. Its very confusing for the children to be involved with their parent's new love interest....right after a divorce. The children need their parent's interest to be focused soley on them. Its bad enough that mom and dad are split up. They at least need dad's undivided attention when they are with him.

It seems to me that mom is focused on what is best for the kids, and you are focused on what is best for you.

Legally, you may be in the right if mom doesn't fall back on the standard guidelines as per your order. However, if you take it back to court expect mom to ask the judge to order that your girlfriend at least cannot be there overnight when the kids are present....and judges have been known to order that.

 

[Kalso]

Just to play Devil's Advocate,

I know she'll counter with "I'm not restricting your visitation whatsoever. You can come here and visit the girls on your weekends."

Or does this fall under the separation agreement's clause of interference?

 

[Kalso]

It has been 3 months since we separated. And as I said earlier, LdiJ, if I wasn't sure that this woman was going to be in my life for a VERY long time, I wouldn't think of introducing my children to them.

I've agreed to her terms, mostly because I think (or fear) that she may be right, but how harmful is it really to introduce a 3 and a 1 year old to someone that's going to also give them time, love and affection? I suppose we shouldn't introduce them to extended family members like aunts I haven't seen in years either?

What is the appropriate timeframe to wait? I'm more than willing to wait as long as my children need to adjust. I just don't want to have to wait until my ex-wife has adjusted.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Just to play Devil's Advocate,

I know she'll counter with "I'm not restricting your visitation whatsoever. You can come here and visit the girls on your weekends."

Or does this fall under the separation agreement's clause of interference?

and you counter with "Tell it to the judge". Listen, this is NOT a moral forum. This is a legal forum. If she attempts to play judge then you need to decide if you are going to allow it as you have been or make her answerable to the issuing court.

Whether or not you have a girlfriend is none of her business. Nor is it the court's. It WILL be the court's business if you allow your children and girlfriend overnight in the same home without being married.

Until then, tell the wife she is treading on very dangerous ground.

 

[stealth2]

It has been 3 months since we separated. And as I said earlier, LdiJ, if I wasn't sure that this woman was going to be in my life for a VERY long time, I wouldn't think of introducing my children to them.

Good Lord - I wish we had a ROFL emoticon. Three months? The likelihood of this relationship lasting is slim to none. Maybe you should spend a little time helping your kids deal with their lives being shattered instead of focussing on where your dick stays warm. Yeah, you care about your kids alright.

 

[Ohiogal]

It actually IS the children's issue. Its very confusing for the children to be involved with their parent's new love interest....right after a divorce. The children need their parent's interest to be focused soley on them. Its bad enough that mom and dad are split up. They at least need dad's undivided attention when they are with him.

It seems to me that mom is focused on what is best for the kids, and you are focused on what is best for you.

Legally, you may be in the right if mom doesn't fall back on the standard guidelines as per your order. However, if you take it back to court expect mom to ask the judge to order that your girlfriend at least cannot be there overnight when the kids are present....and judges have been known to order that.

Actyually you are wrong. In the state of Ohio it is NOT the children's issue and the courts are very specific about that. In fact, in the mandatory parenting class that all divorcing parents are required to take it states SPECIFICALLY that mom and dad are NOT allowed to dictate things such as this. As for not ordering overnight guests, unless it was ordered in the final decree of divorce it will not be ordered now as the court would find that mom was being overly controlling.

 

[Ohiogal]

Just to play Devil's Advocate,

I know she'll counter with "I'm not restricting your visitation whatsoever. You can come here and visit the girls on your weekends."

Or does this fall under the separation agreement's clause of interference?

She IS interfering. On your weekends you have the right to pick up your children (unless there are orders specifying to the contrary) and take them whereever you want to take them. Mom cannot stop you. If she attempts to stop you she is interfering.

 

[Ohiogal]

and you counter with "Tell it to the judge". Listen, this is NOT a moral forum. This is a legal forum. If she attempts to play judge then you need to decide if you are going to allow it as you have been or make her answerable to the issuing court.

Whether or not you have a girlfriend is none of her business. Nor is it the court's. It WILL be the court's business if you allow your children and girlfriend overnight in the same home without being married.

Until then, tell the wife she is treading on very dangerous ground.

BB it would only be the court's business at this stage if there was a clause prohibiting this in the original decree. Mom going back at it now would not be treated well by Ohio courts. I am NOT saying that OP should have his girlfriend overnight without being married but the time for mom to bring that up was during the original decree and not just because she doesn't like the new girlfriend.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

BB it would only be the court's business at this stage if there was a clause prohibiting this in the original decree. Mom going back at it now would not be treated well by Ohio courts. I am NOT saying that OP should have his girlfriend overnight without being married but the time for mom to bring that up was during the original decree and not just because she doesn't like the new girlfriend.

Should have been more specific. The court won't care that dad is dating...it WILL care, if brought to it's attention, that dad is sleeping with someone while the child is there, if brought to it's attention. It can and most likely will be grounds to change visitation and in this case, limit that visitation based on the overnights.

 

[LdiJ]

It has been 3 months since we separated. And as I said earlier, LdiJ, if I wasn't sure that this woman was going to be in my life for a VERY long time, I wouldn't think of introducing my children to them.

I've agreed to her terms, mostly because I think (or fear) that she may be right, but how harmful is it really to introduce a 3 and a 1 year old to someone that's going to also give them time, love and affection? I suppose we shouldn't introduce them to extended family members like aunts I haven't seen in years either?

What is the appropriate timeframe to wait? I'm more than willing to wait as long as my children need to adjust. I just don't want to have to wait until my ex-wife has adjusted.

Like I said, the children need your undivided attention for a while. You have only been separated for three months...for the kids, that's still the "traumna" stage. How long it will take will depend on the children's adjustment....PARTICULARLY the 3 year old.

However, I am not suggesting that you have to continue to visit at mom's house. I am suggesting that you insist on your visitation rights, but let mom know that your girlfriend won't be part of things until the children have had more time to adjust to the divorce. Let her know that you realize that your kids need to have your undivided attention during your time. I would give it at least 3 months with the children getting your sole attention during your time, and then maybe gradually have your girlfriend around a bit for at least another 3 months, but not overnight.

Your children are more important than anything else....and they are suffering more from this divorce than you and your wife are. Particularly the three year old. Even if she isn't showing it...she really is suffering. The one year old won't remember a time when you and mom were together, but the three year old will for a long time.

My ex and I split up when our daughter was three. Even a year later she was constantly asking me to buy presents for daddy so he would want to come home. No matter how much I reassured her that daddy and mommy both loved her, and that sometimes daddy's and mommy's didn't live in the same house...she still suffered for a long time.

Luckily I didn't have to worry about my ex having her around his girlfriend (the one he left me for...sigh...) because he read an article by a psychologist that talked about the importance of focusing his attention soley on his child for a while. Therefore he refused to even consider introducing her to his new love interest for a VERY long time.

Sure, you believe that your girlfriend will just be another person to give them love....and you aren't really wrong. However, you didn't make it with their mother, and that is traumatic for them. If you make her a major part of their lives, and then you don't make it with her, then they will suffer traumna again.

However, again, right now they need your undivided attention.

 

[LdiJ]

Actyually you are wrong. In the state of Ohio it is NOT the children's issue and the courts are very specific about that. In fact, in the mandatory parenting class that all divorcing parents are required to take it states SPECIFICALLY that mom and dad are NOT allowed to dictate things such as this. As for not ordering overnight guests, unless it was ordered in the final decree of divorce it will not be ordered now as the court would find that mom was being overly controlling.

The law doesn't make it the children's issue...however reality does make it the children's issue.

I am not suggesting that mom is legally correct. I am suggesting that the kids are very much effected by the divorce, and that its confusing as heck for the kids to be involved with dad's new love interest just three months after mom and dad separated.

That makes it very much the children's issue. The law may not side with mom, but alot of respected people in the psychological field would.

Dad needs to not only care about the law (which means that he needs to insist on his visitation rights) but he also needs to care about what is truly best for his children.

What is best for his children is that they have his undivided attention for a while during his time. They don't need the added confusion of the new girlfriend.