How to Handle an Irrational Parent

[yabbadabbadoo]

What is the name of your state? TX

I just moved to TX from KS. I was there for 13 years with two boys. The father kept contact intermittently. We could go months without hearing from him. No calls on birthdays, no participation in school activities, etc...

Anyhoo, we moved and now he is suddenly 'concerned about the kids'. I've had CPS called on me and the police. He calls every Sunday and screams through the phone. He's threatening to sue for custody because I CAN'T bring the kids up for Christmas (I just got here, new job, etc) and he WON'T come down because he says he can't afford it. He is simply beside himself with rage more or less because we're down here sitting on the beach and happy and he's up there caring for his 52 year old mother that won't get a job. He says he wants to know that the kids are ok. I told him to move down here if he was so worried. I'm not going back to Kansas to make him happy. We were there for 13 years and he couldn't even be bothered to call for birthdays.

He's using the boys as leverage and putting them in the middle. I realize he may feel guilty for not being there when he should have, but to me you would talk about what you are going to do to solve that problem. Not call CPS and the police and scare the kids to death. Not scream profanities and threaten. He's so out of control, once he gets going he can't stop.


Is there anything I can I do to wake him up to what he's doing? Would it be legal for me to have an attorney send him a letter and tell him for every time he calls raging and out of control that he will not be allowed to call the house for two weeks? And that if he does, he'll face jail time or be assessed some sort of penalty?

It's really bothering my oldest and it really needs to stop.

Thanks in advance for any advice offered. I truly appreciate it.

 

[haiku]

Is there a custody/visitation order in place?

If so, did you inform the dad and courts legally of your intent to move?

is there a visitation order currently?

what does it say?

 

[CJane]

Would it be legal for me to have an attorney send him a letter and tell him for every time he calls raging and out of control that he will not be allowed to call the house for two weeks? And that if he does, he'll face jail time or be assessed some sort of penalty?

You want to ground him?

 

[yabbadabbadoo]

Oh yes, he knew and gave it his blessing. (Guess he changed his mind.)

Custody is shared with the kids placed with me and the courts are fully aware. I did everything the way I was supposed to. I wouldn't dream of 'just taking off' with the kids, no.

The door has always been open for him to visit at any time. He simply didn't. I moved down here for a job but one of the reasons I thought moving to Texas would be a good idea was because he's from here, has family here and when we didn't hear from him for months at a time his excuse was always "I've been in Texas." I figured- hey, we'll be closer now at least. Now he says I'm trying to take the boys away. Go figure.

All I know is he's angry, always has been and everyone suffers for it. That's why I was hoping a letter from an attorney might get his attention because I can't get a word in edgewise. Perhaps if he knew if he could be 'grounded', in a manner of speaking, from calling if he can't be rational then he would think twice about saying some of the things he's been saying and scaring the boys.

I've offered to pay his way to come down here for Christmas. It's a $60 bus ticket. Everyone else is coming. He wants me to bring the boys up anyway. I can't. That's why everyone is coming down here. I know I'm not obligated to pay his way. I'm just doing it for the boys so they can spend time with him but he just gets more and more agitated about it.
He's just wants to be angry and throw a tantrum. He's going to alienate himself from the kids he's so 'very concerned about' if he's not careful.

Guess that's not as important as being angry.

 

[yabbadabbadoo]

I guess so, Cjane.

 

[CJane]

What, EXACTLY, does your parenting plan say about visitation and holidays and transportation? I'm assuming, if you moved with his blessing and the court's blessing, that you have a plan that works with the new distance, right?

Also, usually, it IS the moving parent's responsibility to cover visitation transportation/costs.

 

[haiku]

You still haven't answered my questions.....

What EXACTLY do you have for a visitation order?

And remember the parent who CREATES the distance, is the one who must accomodate the other parent.

 

[wally]

For some reason, I couldn't get back in to the forum! Had to create a new account!

He is the one who is supposed to file for a reduction in child support for travel expenses! He has not done this. If I have to accomodate him, FINE. What else is new? But just because he is a parent doesn't mean he can call up the house screaming at the top of his lungs through the phone. He shouldn't be allowed to utter a sound unless he can control himself! I'd like to run around screaming at people, too sometimes but then what? Yes, it would be nice to make sure he's grounded in a sense because he needs to STOP and he won't listen to me about it.

 

[CJane]

For some reason, I couldn't get back in to the forum! Had to create a new account!

He is the one who is supposed to file for a reduction in child support for travel expenses! He has not done this. If I have to accomodate him, FINE. What else is new? But just because he is a parent doesn't mean he can call up the house screaming at the top of his lungs through the phone. He shouldn't be allowed to utter a sound unless he can control himself! I'd like to run around screaming at people, too sometimes but then what? Yes, it would be nice to make sure he's grounded in a sense because he needs to STOP and he won't listen to me about it.

So. What. EXACTLY. Does. Your. Order. State. Wrt. Visitation and Holidays and Transportation?

He can call up screaming if he feels the need. Whether you answer the phone or not, or choose not to hang up on him when he's irrational is your choice. My ex starts being an ass, I say the same thing every time. "Thank you for calling. Have a great evening." And I hang up. After about 100 times, all I had to do is say "Thank you" and he immediately became a rational human being again.

 

[haiku]

if you cannot be bothered to type out exactly what your court orders say, as far as what visitation your ex is allowed, no one will be able to help you.

and for gosh sakes use your caller id and let him rant on your voicemail first.....

 

[ceara19]

For some reason, I couldn't get back in to the forum! Had to create a new account!

He is the one who is supposed to file for a reduction in child support for travel expenses! He has not done this. If I have to accomodate him, FINE. What else is new? But just because he is a parent doesn't mean he can call up the house screaming at the top of his lungs through the phone. He shouldn't be allowed to utter a sound unless he can control himself! I'd like to run around screaming at people, too sometimes but then what? Yes, it would be nice to make sure he's grounded in a sense because he needs to STOP and he won't listen to me about it.

In case your lawyer hasn't already explained this, you can send a letter stating whatever you want. However, it's not worth the paper you write it on in court. Does your current order state that you have to ANSWER the phone when he calls? Does it prohibit you from just hanging up on him if he gets irrational?

 

[CJane]

I'm a little curious too where one can live in TX that's on the beach, but only a $60 bus ticket from Kansas. Because I could really use a vacation on the beach, and I might have $60.