ex wants me to give him back CS each month help!

[samsam88]

What is the name of your state? NY

I just got a letter from my ex's lawyer now he wants some type of custody rights or visitation. I don't want him in my childs life. He's never been there so far, he tries everything he can to get out of CS payments. I would be better off without him. I never wanted his money. But because I was on state assistance the BCSE made me take child support. I've asked BCSE to stop making him pay and they will not. They said he has to pay for his child. And it's not up to me to accept the money or not. Even if I work and can support my child. I did get a job yesterday too. I have begged him since I got the letter from his lawyer to not go through with this and to leave us alone. I said I would do anything if he would just go away.

He said "Well since you don't want my money and you don't want me in my childs life if you write me a check each month for the support I've paid you and give it back to me then I'll leave you alone. As long as I'm getting my money back I'll not pursue custody and visitation. But if you keep the money even once I'll go through with it." I agreed. So now at the end of each month once my two deposits are into my bank account from BCSE I'm writing him a check for the exact amount.

Is this illegal for him to hold that over my head? Is that a form of blackmail?

 

[MrsK]

What is the name of your state? NY

I just got a letter from my ex's lawyer now he wants some type of custody rights or visitation. I don't want him in my childs life. He's never been there so far, he tries everything he can to get out of CS payments. I would be better off without him. I never wanted his money. But because I was on state assistance the BCSE made me take child support. I've asked BCSE to stop making him pay and they will not. They said he has to pay for his child. And it's not up to me to accept the money or not. Even if I work and can support my child. I did get a job yesterday too. I have begged him since I got the letter from his lawyer to not go through with this and to leave us alone. I said I would do anything if he would just go away.

He said "Well since you don't want my money and you don't want me in my childs life if you write me a check each month for the support I've paid you and give it back to me then I'll leave you alone. As long as I'm getting my money back I'll not pursue custody and visitation. But if you keep the money even once I'll go through with it." I agreed. So now at the end of each month once my two deposits are into my bank account from BCSE I'm writing him a check for the exact amount.

Is this illegal for him to hold that over my head? Is that a form of blackmail?

Maybe it is, maybe it isnt.

But it seems like you have 3 choices:

1) Get off of welfare and file to stop the support

2) Send him back the $$

3) Keep the money and get used to the idea of him seeing the kiddo.

 

[fairisfair]

You have GOT to be kidding.

Oh, so you don't want HIS support, you want OURS. You want to be able to collect benefits, paid for by taxpayers, so that you don't have to be burdened with the unpleasantness of dealing with the man that YOU chose to father your child.

Keep sending him the money back. And then when he goes ahead and files for a form of custody and parenting time, he can use that money to pay for his attorney.

You really are dense.

 

[samsam88]

Maybe it is, maybe it isnt.

But it seems like you have 3 choices:

1) Get off of welfare and file to stop the support

2) Send him back the $$

3) Keep the money and get used to the idea of him seeing the kiddo.

I am off welfare. I just stated I got a job. But they took the welfare away once the CS order was in place. Can I file to stop the support once I have a job and am not on welfare? My caseworker didn't tell me that. They said there's nothing I can do. I'm stuck with it. Only way to stop the support is if i get someone to adopt my child.

 

[MrsK]

I am off welfare. I just stated I got a job. But they took the welfare away once the CS order was in place. Can I file to stop the support once I have a job and am not on welfare? My caseworker didn't tell me that. They said there's nothing I can do. I'm stuck with it. Only way to stop the support is if i get someone to adopt my child.

I'm not 100% sure of the legalities in your state, but I know its possible in many states, and I know CSE ppl are not the brightest in the bunch, even when it comes to doing their own jobs. So maybe someone who knows NY laws will know if its possible.

And if its not possible, send him back the money, every month. Or, again, get used to the idea of him parenting HIS child.

 

[Silverplum]

I am off welfare. I just stated I got a job. But they took the welfare away once the CS order was in place. Can I file to stop the support once I have a job and am not on welfare? My caseworker didn't tell me that. They said there's nothing I can do. I'm stuck with it. Only way to stop the support is if i get someone to adopt my child.

No. The only way to stop the support is to get your HUSBAND (within a marriage that's lasted more than a year, usually) to adopt. Same as you were told.

 

[fairisfair]

I'm not 100% sure of the legalities in your state, but I know its possible in many states, and I know CSE ppl are not the brightest in the bunch, even when it comes to doing their own jobs. So maybe someone who knows NY laws will know if its possible.

And if its not possible, send him back the money, every month. Or, again, get used to the idea of him parenting HIS child.

It is quite possible that a portion of the child support is assigned to the state. In that case, it AIN'T happening.

There is no OR in sending him back the money or get used to him parenting his child. He can still file a petition for that, whether or not she is stupid enough to be returning his money. Child support is not a ticket for parenting, anymore than sending it back removes or reduces his rights.

If she continues to do this she is a fool.

 

[samsam88]

It is quite possible that a portion of the child support is assigned to the state. In that case, it AIN'T happening.

There is no OR in sending him back the money or get used to him parenting his child. He can still file a petition for that, whether or not she is stupid enough to be returning his money. Child support is not a ticket for parenting, anymore than sending it back removes or reduces his rights.

If she continues to do this she is a fool.

He's definately not going to try to see my child if I send him the money back. This is all so he can keep his money. But I'm fine with that. He's never seen his kid yet. He's just doing this because he knows I'll do it.

I just want to know if it's illegal for him to prey on my emotions like that and pretty much give me no choice?

 

[Silverplum]

I just want to know if it's illegal for him to prey on my emotions like that and pretty much give me no choice?

No, he's not doing anything illegal. And you do have choices.

 

[fairisfair]

He's definately not going to try to see my child if I send him the money back. This is all so he can keep his money. But I'm fine with that. He's never seen his kid yet. He's just doing this because he knows I'll do it.

I just want to know if it's illegal for him to prey on my emotions like that and pretty much give me no choice?

Yeah right. Of course. You know best.
And in a year, when he has kept all of his money, and he files then?? What then??
How about in 5 years?? maybe in 10 years?

See, you will NEVER be able to terminate his rights, after all, he is paying his child support, and that is contact in the eyes of the court. So, by all means, continue to send him his money.

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

 

[MrsK]

Yeah right. Of course. You know best.
And in a year, when he has kept all of his money, and he files then?? What then??
How about in 5 years?? maybe in 10 years?

See, you will NEVER be able to terminate his rights, after all, he is paying his child support, and that is contact in the eyes of the court. So, by all means, continue to send him his money.

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

If he files to see the kid, she can stop sending him the support back.

OP, he isnt doing anything illegal. He doesnt have you between a rock & a hard place. You are simply making a choice.

If you are happy with your choice, continue to make it. If you know he will not bother to see the child if you send him the $$ back, and you want that, send the $ back.

 

[fairisfair]

If he files to see the kid, she can stop sending him the support back.

OP, he isnt doing anything illegal. He doesnt have you between a rock & a hard place. You are simply making a choice.

If you are happy with your choice, continue to make it. If you know he will not bother to see the child if you send him the $$ back, and you want that, send the $ back.

that is really poor advice, and you know it.

 

[MrsK]

that is really poor advice, and you know it.

I disagree.

So what would you have her do? Dont send back the $$, and then dad will file for visitation, and take visitation JUST to get mom's goat? Wow, THAT sounds good for the kid.

 

[fairisfair]

I disagree.

So what would you have her do? Dont send back the $$, and then dad will file for visitation, and take visitation JUST to get mom's goat? Wow, THAT sounds good for the kid.

Yes, that is exactly what I would have her do.

Child support is intended for the CHILD, not as a blackmail tool for her to keep him away, it is not extortion money. Legally, she is not using the child support for it's intended purpose.

Which part do you have a problem with, the money being used as it is legally intended??

Or the father having a relationship with his child??

 

[Zigner]

I disagree.

So what would you have her do? Dont send back the $$, and then dad will file for visitation, and take visitation JUST to get mom's goat? Wow, THAT sounds good for the kid.

Well, what *I* would suggest is that she encourage a relationship between her child and her child's FATHER.
Silly me, I suppose...