Step Parent Adoption- with a twist.

[childs8715]

What is the name of your state? Georgia

I have spent all day on the phone with attorneys and have gotten the run around. Before I call anyone else I was going to see if someone on here could point me in a better direction.

I am trying to adopt my two step children. The twist is that the non-present parent is their mother. My youngest daughter (technically step daughter) was a crack baby. Her mother was on all sorts of drugs during her pregnancy which led to my daughter having a stroke and 7 seizures(at birth) because of the drugs. At the time of birth, the cause was unknown. I contribute this to no one knowing of her drug problem until several months after my step-daughter was born. Since then, her biological mother has continued on a downhill path and has had nothing to do with her children. My husband, their father, has raised them and so have I. He has full physical custody of both children. She has visitation rights but has never shown up nor has she directly contacted us. The children have not seen her in over a year and even when they did see her, they would not go near her because she smelled so bad (I don't do drugs and never have but I would guess she doesn't bathe due to the excessive drug use?) Also, she does not pay child support because when we filed for full custody, we did not request it. It allowed us to get full custody without her having a lot of visitation rights.

For the last few months I've been trying to find an attorney that will help me with this situation. The first one I spoke to was very helpful but at the time I did not have the money to go through with all of the legal actions so I waited. Now, since then, I moved to another county and now that I am ready to do something, he can no longer help me. I have to find an attorney in the county which I reside. I've gotten the run around from most of them except one but he said he can't help me unless I know where their mother is. The attorney that I first contacted back where I lived previously told me that first I need to file the papers and try to contact her. He then said that if we could not find her, that we would have to put an announcement in the paper and then if she did not contest it and did not contact us that the judge would then grant the adoption. He said he would do it for about $1500 for both. But like I just mentioned, he can't help me anymore because I don't reside in that county anymore.

So basically...what do I do? I know it is a matter of finding the right attorney but because this is the mother we are talking about, not the father...wont it be more complicated? If she does contest it, which I highly doubt, then what? Do I have to prove her to be unfit? Or is that even necessary? We already have full custody and if she ever does visit it has to be completely supervised. In a way I'm afraid to go through with all of this because I'm scared of "opening a can of worms" if we do find her.

One attorney I spoke to today was somewhat helpful but she was going to charge me $5000 PER child and then once she found out that I'm only 21, she basically tried to talk me out of doing the adoption. She said it is a big responsibility. But I already know that. I am 21 years old with a college degree and I've chosen to stay at home to raise two children that aren't mine (yet) instead of getting a job. So trust me, I know what a HUGE responsibility it is. Her comment offended me, so did her price, so I'm still at a dead end.

Someone help please! Point me in the right direction.

 

[Silverplum]

The fact that the absent parent is female is not a "twist." We've seen that here, plenty. The courts have seen it far more than we on one mb.

The law applies regardless of gender.

 

[childs8715]

The fact that the absent parent is female is not a "twist." We've seen that here, plenty. The courts have seen it far more than we on one mb.

The law applies regardless of gender.

Thank you for replying. It is good to hear that the law applies regardless of what gender she is. I've just heard that it is harder because the courts and social services supposedly believe that the child belongs with the natural mother. But, custody has already been taken away from her and she is obviously an unfit mother so even if there was a difference from a legal standpoint, I don't think it would be too hard to convince a judge of my beliefs on this particular issue with her.

What will happen if she contests the adoption?

 

[Silverplum]

Thank you for replying. It is good to hear that the law applies regardless of what gender she is. I've just heard that it is harder because the courts and social services supposedly believe that the child belongs with the natural mother. But, custody has already been taken away from her and she is obviously an unfit mother so even if there was a difference from a legal standpoint, I don't think it would be too hard to convince a judge of my beliefs on this particular issue with her.

What will happen if she contests the adoption?

It'll take longer, cost more, and no one can guess how it will turn out. Parents have very strong legal rights.

I'd go the abandonment route, if possible. Discuss that with attorneys you meet. Good luck.

 

[LdiJ]

You should not have been offended by the attorney commenting on your age. Its not simply that its a big responsibility to adopt two children, but things can also become very complicated should you and your husband split up somewhere down the road. Generally its wise to have more years into your marriage before you contemplate a step like that.

 

[childs8715]

I'd go the abandonment route, if possible. Discuss that with attorneys you meet. Good luck.

Yea I've thought of that. Actually, I just got off the phone with an attorney. We have an appointment with him next Wednesday. He's been the most helpful one I've spoken to so far. He told me that I need to do some homework before I come in next week. He said I need to see if I can find her address by contacting people in her family. If I bring the address with me when we meet with him, he will go ahead and send her some papers. He also mentioned the abandonment thing. I told him that she had visitation rights but that we haven't heard from her in over a year. He said in that case, we don't really need much from her. He said if she doesn't contest, the whole thing will cost about $1500 for both children plus $40 for new birth certificates stating me as the mother. I am relieved to have found someone to help me!

Although he also mentioned the abandonment route, he didn't go into much detail. What would I need to prove that?

 

[childs8715]

You should not have been offended by the attorney commenting on your age. Its not simply that its a big responsibility to adopt two children, but things can also become very complicated should you and your husband split up somewhere down the road. Generally its wise to have more years into your marriage before you contemplate a step like that.

You are right, but, I was offended because she made it seem like I just called her today because I had nothing better to do. My husband and I have talked about this for over a year. I know that it is possible that we might split up in the future, but whether we've been married a year or ten years, there are never any guarantees. We've already talked about the possibilities. In the event that we did split, us being apart would still provide more stability than not having a mother at all. The biological mother has a criminal record and for all I know, she might be in prison now. She is the type of mother that would leave her child on someone's doorstep and walk away and actually, she's done that more than once. I just feel that even if we split or got divorced, it would still be better for them to have a mother than none at all. Also, my husband is afraid that if anything happens to him, she will try to get them back. Recently she made a phone call to someone in her family, I guess she had a moment of clarity (to an extent) stating "I've got me a new man and some money and I want my baby girl back" When asked about her son she said "What son"....apparently she doesn't remember giving birth to him. Several days later she was said to have come into my father in laws store begging for money. I guess I'm biased but I feel that no matter my age I would still make a better mother than her.

In addition to that, I don't feel that her personal opinion should have been expressed...or maybe I just feel that way because it differs from my own opinion. When I first called she was somewhat helpful and then once I told her my age her whole attitude changed.

 

[Just Blue]

You are right, but, I was offended because she made it seem like I just called her today because I had nothing better to do. My husband and I have talked about this for over a year. I know that it is possible that we might split up in the future, but whether we've been married a year or ten years, there are never any guarantees. We've already talked about the possibilities. In the event that we did split, us being apart would still provide more stability than not having a mother at all. The biological mother has a criminal record and for all I know, she might be in prison now. She is the type of mother that would leave her child on someone's doorstep and walk away and actually, she's done that more than once. I just feel that even if we split or got divorced, it would still be better for them to have a mother than none at all. Also, my husband is afraid that if anything happens to him, she will try to get them back. Recently she made a phone call to someone in her family, I guess she had a moment of clarity (to an extent) stating "I've got me a new man and some money and I want my baby girl back" When asked about her son she said "What son"....apparently she doesn't remember giving birth to him. Several days later she was said to have come into my father in laws store begging for money. I guess I'm biased but I feel that no matter my age I would still make a better mother than her.

In addition to that, I don't feel that her personal opinion should have been expressed...or maybe I just feel that way because it differs from my own opinion. When I first called she was somewhat helpful and then once I told her my age her whole attitude changed.

I think (MHO)that you are being to harsh on the attorney. After all when this gets before a Judge, s/he may also express doubts based on your age. If you are that quick to react, you will not be doing yourself any favors.

 

[childs8715]

I think (MHO)that you are being to harsh on the attorney. After all when this gets before a Judge, s/he may also express doubts based on your age. If you are that quick to react, you will not be doing yourself any favors.

I wasn't trying to be harsh, I was just kinda defending my standpoint. I know she isn't the only one that has made comments about my age. I'm also not going to be using her as my attorney because she was way overpriced. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I just felt like she was judging and it was obvious. The attorney that I am going to be using was just really helpful. His attitude was "let's get this done" not "are you sure you are making the right decision". See what I mean? But anyway, I wasn't trying to attack her or anything. I don't even know her I was just trying to express how I felt about what she said. I also know that if this goes before a judge, my age will be brought to question. In that case, will I need character references and things of that nature?

 

[Silverplum]

Although he also mentioned the abandonment route, he didn't go into much detail. What would I need to prove that?

Here's a helpful link:
http://library.adoption.com/termination-of-parental-rights/grounds-for-termination-of-parental-rights-georgia/article/8454/1.html

 

[LdiJ]

I wasn't trying to be harsh, I was just kinda defending my standpoint. I know she isn't the only one that has made comments about my age. I'm also not going to be using her as my attorney because she was way overpriced. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I just felt like she was judging and it was obvious. The attorney that I am going to be using was just really helpful. His attitude was "let's get this done" not "are you sure you are making the right decision". See what I mean? But anyway, I wasn't trying to attack her or anything. I don't even know her I was just trying to express how I felt about what she said. I also know that if this goes before a judge, my age will be brought to question. In that case, will I need character references and things of that nature?

Part of the adoption process will include a home study. The person evaluating you may very well want to speak to other people about you.

Because you are young, its quite likely that anyone doing a home study is going to evaluate your maturity level. A judge may ask hard questions as well. If you are going to move forward with this you are not "allowed" to get offended by anything that anyone says. Getting offended or defensive when hard questions are asked could cause your maturity level to be called into question.

You need to expect that you will be asked questions, or that statements will be made that are intended to cause you to react.

You have made some very mature statements on this thread. You have also made a few that weren't so mature...learn from that.

 

[childs8715]

Here's a helpful link:
http://library.adoption.com/termination-of-parental-rights/grounds-for-termination-of-parental-rights-georgia/article/8454/1.html

Thank you very much for that link. It was very helpful.

 

[childs8715]

Part of the adoption process will include a home study. The person evaluating you may very well want to speak to other people about you.

Because you are young, its quite likely that anyone doing a home study is going to evaluate your maturity level. A judge may ask hard questions as well. If you are going to move forward with this you are not "allowed" to get offended by anything that anyone says. Getting offended or defensive when hard questions are asked could cause your maturity level to be called into question.

You need to expect that you will be asked questions, or that statements will be made that are intended to cause you to react.

You have made some very mature statements on this thread. You have also made a few that weren't so mature...learn from that.

Thank you for the advice, I'm sure it will be helpful. I really appreciate. Do you happen to know what kind of questions they might ask? And, since you said that some of my statements "weren't so mature" how do I avoid coming across that way? I am only 21 so I guess there are some things I can't fake, lol. But, as far as the major issues, I don't think there is anything that would be called into question about how I raise my kids but, because I am only 21 I'm sure other things will come up. So, any more information you could give me would really help. You seem to know a lot more about it than I would! Thanks and Happy 4th!

 

[childs8715]

Some more questions

First of all, thank you to everyone who has replied. I do appreciate it! I've been thinking about everything and here's some more questions...

Should I wait a little longer and gather evidence and more information to make sure I've got a really really strong case in the event that the "bio" mother contests what I am trying to do?

I didn't think she'd contest it, but when my husband tried to get full custody (which he now has) it took meeting with her 5 times to get her to sign the papers. Prior to her signing the papers, the kids had not seen her in two years...and because we had to find her in order to get custody, she stayed in contact for a few months which really caused confusion. Now again, it's been a long time since we've heard from her and it's been even longer since the kids saw her. Our main concern now is that if we go through with all of this and it takes longer due to us having to gather info, evidence, etc, it will allow her an opportunity to see them. But if I don't let her see them, will that look bad? I/We obviously feel it is in the best interest of the children for them to not see her, which is one reason I am adopting them. So I just don't know what to do. The custody papers say she is allowed to see them, so if I don't allow her to will that be considered contempt?

Another thing that has been brought to my attention is if I wait, I might not have to go through half the trouble or money. I am a Christian and I attend church regularly and I feel terrible for saying this, but it is the truth...she probably wont be around much longer anyway. She has a really really bad drug problem. She is on ICE and God only knows what else...she lost 100 pounds in one year (after she gave birth to the youngest) and now weighs less than 100 pounds, due to the drugs. Her face is sunken in and she looks like a skeleton. From the smell of her, you can tell she is unkempt and obviously a user. This year would make over 5 years since she started using ICE. One month before getting pregnant with the first, she had just gotten out of jail for possession of cocaine. I guess old habits die hard, right? I just don't see someone like her being helped. We obviously have nothing to do with her and her family has dis-owned her because whenever she has gone to them for help, she ends up stealing things from them and selling it for money. So given this information...should I wait? Or should I just prove all of that information that I just gave all of you and go for it?

 

[profmum]

First of all, thank you to everyone who has replied. I do appreciate it! I've been thinking about everything and here's some more questions...

Should I wait a little longer and gather evidence and more information to make sure I've got a really really strong case in the event that the "bio" mother contests what I am trying to do?

I didn't think she'd contest it, but when my husband tried to get full custody (which he now has) it took meeting with her 5 times to get her to sign the papers. Prior to her signing the papers, the kids had not seen her in two years...and because we had to find her in order to get custody, she stayed in contact for a few months which really caused confusion. Now again, it's been a long time since we've heard from her and it's been even longer since the kids saw her. Our main concern now is that if we go through with all of this and it takes longer due to us having to gather info, evidence, etc, it will allow her an opportunity to see them. But if I don't let her see them, will that look bad? I/We obviously feel it is in the best interest of the children for them to not see her, which is one reason I am adopting them. So I just don't know what to do. The custody papers say she is allowed to see them, so if I don't allow her to will that be considered contempt?

Another thing that has been brought to my attention is if I wait, I might not have to go through half the trouble or money. I am a Christian and I attend church regularly and I feel terrible for saying this, but it is the truth...she probably wont be around much longer anyway. She has a really really bad drug problem. She is on ICE and God only knows what else...she lost 100 pounds in one year (after she gave birth to the youngest) and now weighs less than 100 pounds, due to the drugs. Her face is sunken in and she looks like a skeleton. From the smell of her, you can tell she is unkempt and obviously a user. This year would make over 5 years since she started using ICE. One month before getting pregnant with the first, she had just gotten out of jail for possession of cocaine. I guess old habits die hard, right? I just don't see someone like her being helped. We obviously have nothing to do with her and her family has dis-owned her because whenever she has gone to them for help, she ends up stealing things from them and selling it for money. So given this information...should I wait? Or should I just prove all of that information that I just gave all of you and go for it?

You have got some excellent responses here and yes your age could be a factor, if you are serious about this, do what the court's ordered, that cannot work against you, but denying visitation can. The Court's can do ANYTHING, so be prepared for any outcome.
On the issue you mentioned in your last para, I would not even think about whether she is going to "be around" much longer based on what you think her drug use might result in.. I would advise you to star the legal proceedings based on information, facts etc NOT whether you think she will be alive or dead.. just a bad road to go down.