Trying to be fair...

[J2007]

What is the name of your state? PA

Hello All! Long story short - ex moved farther away (rather than closer) per our agreement (written, not court ordered) - he was 3 hrs away, now he is 4 hrs away - and wants me to meet him half way. He moved, not me He is not paying support (that is being addressed now as well). He very rarely sees them, and I initially wanted our visitation schedule to be that he gets them the second weekend of every month, period. He never calls them (he is welcome to do so).

After some feedback from the experts on this site, I am loosening up a little and willing to do 2nd weekend of each month, and in addition, one full week of each summer month - in addition to the 2nd weekend. (Kids are 4 and 6) - and of course, split holidays and such up at an 'every other year' type of thing. Does this sound better?

Thanks!

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state? PA

Hello All! Long story short - ex moved farther away (rather than closer) per our agreement (written, not court ordered) - he was 3 hrs away, now he is 4 hrs away - and wants me to meet him half way. He moved, not me He is not paying support (that is being addressed now as well). He very rarely sees them, and I initially wanted our visitation schedule to be that he gets them the second weekend of every month, period. He never calls them (he is welcome to do so).

After some feedback from the experts on this site, I am loosening up a little and willing to do 2nd weekend of each month, and in addition, one full week of each summer month - in addition to the 2nd weekend. (Kids are 4 and 6) - and of course, split holidays and such up at an 'every other year' type of thing. Does this sound better?

Thanks!

It sounds better but he can still petition and most likely get two full weeks of every summer month or half of summer vacation. So you only want him to get the children ONE weekend a month and that would be the 2nd weekend? Or do you mean you are adding a 2nd weekend so he would get them two weekends a month?
You are putting too much emphasis on the fact that he is not paying child support -- there is not a court order -- and that he lives four hours a week. That is NOT a long distance really.

 

[stepmomndad]

EOW with a 4 hour drive is not that far. You can propose that to your ex, however, a judge is very more likely to give more than that. I live 8 hours away and get to see my daughter one weekend a month, Spring Break, Winter Break, ALL summer (minus one weekend a month, 2 weeks vacation a year, plus 1/2 holidays. So, offering him one weekend a month, plus, 2-3 weeks per summer, isn't that much. It's below standard for PA.

He's not going to pay child support without a court order. Why should he? So, he's out the money that he's paying you when a support order is put in place.

And, if I remember correctly, you moved first, correct? You may have to help with transportation. And, even if he did move, the judge can go from guidelines and split transportation 50/50.

 

[J2007]

No, I mean the 2nd weekend of every month, literally. Honestly, I am going in with a 'low-ball' offer, so that if he fights me, he will only go after another weekend during the month.. negotiations of sorts, I guess. OUr hope is to get it resolved between us and then have it filed.

Child support is coming - but in the meantime, its 400 miles every weekend that I take them - that's at least a tank of gas (usually more) plus almost $40 in tolls!

 

[stepmomndad]

That's at least a tank of gas (usually more) plus almost $40 in tolls!

Again, the judge still may make you split transportation costs. If I wanted to be a prick, I could take my daughter to my house in NC, which is 8 hours away. I could then make her mom pick her up on Sunday and she'd have to pay. It costs about $150 round trip, because you normally eat on the road. And, that's once a month. We're more civil to each other and try to have our daughter's best interest at heart. That's why, if it's less than 4 days, we stay in the state of the parent that has custody of her at the time. So, even though you pay that much for gas, the judge still may make you go and retrive your children at the end of visitation.

 

[jbowman]

Why are you trying to make it so hard? Low ball? Jeesh, these are his kids too. They arent your property. One weekend a month? Holy cow--no, IMO it is not fair. I dont think you are trying to make it fair at all.

 

[GAMOMtired]

My ex lives 10 hours away but he has not filed for modification of visitation schedule, although he rarely excercises it anyway. Why did he move? Was employment an issue or did he just choose to move away? At least the father wants to see them, but I agree if he moved of his own choice he should absorb the transporation cost, especially if he doesn't have to pay child support. Is is that he doesn't have to (no court order) or he's just not paying and there is a court order? I know they are his kids too, but I don't think you are trying to make it hard, but you already bear all the financial burdens for everything else in there lives it seems. She's getting no child support, Remember.

 

[LdiJ]

Why are you trying to make it so hard? Low ball? Jeesh, these are his kids too. They arent your property. One weekend a month? Holy cow--no, IMO it is not fair. I dont think you are trying to make it fair at all.

I think that a 4 hr distance is just at about the point where it starts being too much to try to do two weekends a month. Its not completely unworkable, but its pushing the envelope.

Even if they meet half way, that means that they won't get to the other parent's until 10-11 on Friday....and will have to leave in the very early afternoon to get back home at a reasonable hour on Sunday.

 

[stepmomndad]

I think that a 4 hr distance is just at about the point where it starts being too much to try to do two weekends a month. Its not completely unworkable, but its pushing the envelope.

Even if they meet half way, that means that they won't get to the other parent's until 10-11 on Friday....and will have to leave in the very early afternoon to get back home at a reasonable hour on Sunday.

If EOW doesn't work, how about every 3rd weekend? Not, like the 3rd weekend of the month. Meaning, that they are with mom for two weekends, then dad for one, then mom for 2, then dad for 1. There isn't as much traveling. And, if there is a 3 day weekend, let dad keep them for the extra day.

Also, if you do meet halfway, you can set meeting at like 5:30, so then they are home by 7:30. That's not to late. And, you could meet at like 5:30 on Friday, so that they would leave right after school.

 

[J2007]

I DO meet him 1/2 way - often times I go further, to be nice -- I don't have an issue going half way, at all. And yes, with a 4 and 6 yr old, being on the road until 10 pm on Friday and then all day on Sunday is hard.. really hard on them.. really really hard on me when I get them back! By the time we get home and do baths, its PAST bedtime... I know, some of you are like "Who cares", but I want their lives to be normal as much as possible.

And I understand how it seems "cruel" to negotiate.. but HE doesn't want the children more than that, his GIRLFRIEND does so she can show what a wonderful father her boyfriend is by parading my children around.. and that is the truth. He only wants them for vacations or family picnics (HER family picnics)..

 

[stepmomndad]

If it's really all about a show, agree to the time he wants. He'll get tired of getting them then, if the doesn't really want them around. The worst that can happen is that he'll get the time he wants and your kids will get a good relationship with their father.

 

[stepmomndad]

I DO meet him 1/2 way - often times I go further, to be nice -- I don't have an issue going half way, at all. And yes, with a 4 and 6 yr old, being on the road until 10 pm on Friday and then all day on Sunday is hard.. really hard on them.. really really hard on me when I get them back! By the time we get home and do baths, its PAST bedtime... I know, some of you are like "Who cares", but I want their lives to be normal as much as possible.

And, again, look at my post. You can do transporation different ways. Meeting halfway, well, if dad doesn't show, then you drove halfway for nothing. But, if you go and get them on Sunday, then, maybe you can make pick up earlier.

When I'm driving my daughter from PA to NC (8 hours), I try to do things on the route so that it doesn't seem like all that much. And, my children that live with me, travel the same time (at least 16 hours in the car, one weekend a month), so I completely understand. Break up the routine a little.

Agreement is key. If the court order is for Friday at 3:30, you may be able to pick up on Sunday at 3:30. Yes, you'll have to leave early and drive all day Sunday, but, knowing your children are spending time with Dad, may be incentive enough to do it.

 

[LdiJ]

If EOW doesn't work, how about every 3rd weekend? Not, like the 3rd weekend of the month. Meaning, that they are with mom for two weekends, then dad for one, then mom for 2, then dad for 1. There isn't as much traveling. And, if there is a 3 day weekend, let dad keep them for the extra day.

Also, if you do meet halfway, you can set meeting at like 5:30, so then they are home by 7:30. That's not to late. And, you could meet at like 5:30 on Friday, so that they would leave right after school.

That's assuming that neither of the parents have to work until 5:00 PM.

 

[stepmomndad]

That's assuming that neither of the parents have to work until 5:00 PM.

That is true. I know my CO states that I pick up on the first Friday of the month at 3:30 but, I don't get off work until 4:30 and I have to drive 8 hours to get there, so, I normally only get to pick up on Saturday AM. If they have a CO for a minimum, they "may" be able to deviate from it and get along with what it says as a basis.

And, the court may not really look at the work schedule. When I was in court, they knew I was military. It was court ordered that my weekend be the first full weekend of every month, from Friday at 3:30 until Sunday at 7:30. Since it's easier to go to PA on a federal holiday, where I'm off for 3-4 days, we have stipulation that I can get my daughter at that time, if I cannot make it there for the first full weekend.

 

[MrsK]

No, I mean the 2nd weekend of every month, literally. Honestly, I am going in with a 'low-ball' offer, so that if he fights me, he will only go after another weekend during the month.. negotiations of sorts, I guess. OUr hope is to get it resolved between us and then have it filed.

Child support is coming - but in the meantime, its 400 miles every weekend that I take them - that's at least a tank of gas (usually more) plus almost $40 in tolls!

So what you are saying is that even though you are bitching that he rarely sees the kids- that you want to keep it that way?

Trying to have your cake and eat it too?

You cant be mad that he isnt paying support without an order. Its YOUR fault that you havent gotten one before now.