extras....(long...sorry)

[castepmom]

What is the name of your state? Pa

my husband and his ex have a support order. he covers medical insurance and pays support. She continually discusses money with the childern and tells them to ask daddy's rich wife (me) to buy things for them.

The children have often come to our house for visits with colds and no cold medicine becuase "mommy says she shouldn't have to supply everything". Now of course we have purchsed and kept child cold medicine at our home. But in the recent months, mom has neglected to send prescriptions, clothes, etc.

MOm has refused to share financial responsiblity for a musical instrument, but has demanded that we share responsibility for a private tutor.

When ever mom needs something for the children that she can't provide she calls the ex-mother in law (my husband's mother) and complains to her. Sure enough the items are provided in a few days.

I want the children to have everything they need, however mom's spending and constant complaints about money have caused the children make negative comments to us about thigns at home, can't drink the water, can't afford groceries, no new school shoes.

What can we do?

 

[CJane]

1) "We" cannot do anything. I don't say that to be mean or callous, but because legally you have no dog in this fight and therefore no sway with the courts.

2) What does your husband WANT to 'do about this'?

Honestly, it doesn't sound like Mom is doing anything really WRONG legally. Sure, she's being a pill and making your life more difficult, but she doesn't HAVE to send meds or clothes, and just as if her and it's not against the law for her to call her former MIL and gripe to her - it's the exMIL's choice whether or not to purchase items.

If mom is in direct violation of the court order, your husband can file contempt against her.

 

[castepmom]

Do we legally have to pay for a private tutor? If so does she have to share the responsiblity of the instrument? What about all sorts of other expenses that we are not reimbursed for, but are mom's responsiblilty according to the support order?

Does my husband have to ask for a review of the support, or go back to Domestic Relations?

 

[CJane]

Do we legally have to pay for a private tutor?

Does the order deal with tutoring? Is this academic tutoring or musical lessons?

My order (and I think it's fairly standard) has language along the lines of "If academic tutoring is deemed necessary by a competent professional, the parents shall split the costs of such 50/50."

But, if it's not in the order, then NO Dad is not legally obligated to pay for it.

If so does she have to share the responsiblity of the instrument?

Not if the order does not say that she is. Musical lessons/instruments are 'extras' that are sort of up in the air - they really should be agreed upon prior to purchase.

What about all sorts of other expenses that we are not reimbursed for, but are mom's responsiblilty according to the support order?

What, exactly?

If she's in violation of the order, he can file contempt. If he's just pissed because she's not doing what he thinks she should be doing, he's out of luck.

Does my husband have to ask for a review of the support, or go back to Domestic Relations?

Again, it depends on what he's trying to accomplish.

How long has the order been in effect?

 

[castepmom]

The order doesn't state anything about instruments or tutoring. The child in question is 10 years old and getting ready to start 5th grade. The child has struggeld wtih math for 2 years. the teachers state that mom needs to work with flash cards..ect at home. Mom wants to hire a tutor.

The same child wanted to play clarinet. Mom said she would not pay for it, nor would she support it. The child begged us to let her try. We agreed, as the child is not involed in ANY activites at all (ie..sports, band, scouts..ect)..., per mom "she doesn't have time for that nonsense"

Mom is required per the support order to pay the first $250 out of pocket medical expenses for each child. The one child has MA so there are no copays,..ect The other child has needed glasses, and several office visits....all of which we paid for. We gave her copies of all the receipts and a copy of the agreement..and she basically told us to f*ck off because if she didn't take the child and she isn't responsible, and she won't pay it. HOwever now another pair of glasses are needed (per doctor) and she has stated that she isn't going to take the child to get the glasses. Obviously I am not going to let the child not have glasses, and we have an appointment scheduled for them...but this will be another expense that mom is responsible for...that she is neglecting.

 

[CJane]

The order doesn't state anything about instruments or tutoring. The child in question is 10 years old and getting ready to start 5th grade. The child has struggeld wtih math for 2 years. the teachers state that mom needs to work with flash cards..ect at home. Mom wants to hire a tutor.

Sounds like tutoring is unnecessary. Have you/dad considered a computer program to assist with math skills?

The same child wanted to play clarinet. Mom said she would not pay for it, nor would she support it. The child begged us to let her try. We agreed, as the child is not involed in ANY activites at all (ie..sports, band, scouts..ect)..., per mom "she doesn't have time for that nonsense"

Yours and dad's choice. Mom voiced her opposition, y'all chose to do it anyway. She is in no way responsible.

My kids aren't involved in any activities either - we don't have time. We MIGHT do 4-H this year if we rearrange things, but it's undecided - and irrelevant to my parenting skills.

Mom is required per the support order to pay the first $250 out of pocket medical expenses for each child. The one child has MA so there are no copays,..ect The other child has needed glasses, and several office visits....all of which we paid for. We gave her copies of all the receipts and a copy of the agreement..and she basically told us to f*ck off because if she didn't take the child and she isn't responsible, and she won't pay it. HOwever now another pair of glasses are needed (per doctor) and she has stated that she isn't going to take the child to get the glasses. Obviously I am not going to let the child not have glasses, and we have an appointment scheduled for them...but this will be another expense that mom is responsible for...that she is neglecting.

Then mom is in contempt. When it reaches a significant $$ amount, dad should file contempt.

 

[castepmom]

CJane-you said your kids aren't in any activites because you don't have time. I truly believe that. And I don't question or Judge.

However I can bet your lack of time differs from the lack of time that Mom tells her children that she has.

Computer program is out of the question as the children are not permitted to use mom's computer.

The teacher this past school year sent 5 different notes home to mom and told her that the child is really struggling with different aspects of math. Told mom to get multiplation and division flash cards and work with the child as much as possible. Mom's solution was to call us and say that she is going to hire a tutor and we have to pay for it, because she doesn't have time to do flash cards.

 

[StampGirl]

My children are not in extra activities and not because I am a bad mom. I work full-time and go to school. I tried to put them in things that are done on Saturdays however, their dad will not take them if its on his Saturday (which is fine... thats his time he can dictate how he wants to spend it).

As for the tutor issue, personally I have a hard time understanding the math kids are doing in school (and I am qualified to teach) and would hire a tutor if my girls were struggling. Its sad if she is choosing other things than helping her kids but maybe the tutor would be a better solution than mom doing flashcards. Teachers will tell the parent to work with them at home but reality is that most parents are both working and time is scarce. If you are financially able to pay, then I would do it.

My ex and I are supposed to share co-payments etc but I just pay them when I can afford them and if things are tight that month when all 3 of my girls go to the doctor, then I send him the receipt and he pays his half. Otherwise I think its a waste of my time to "nit-pick".

Finally the instrument thing is done. She voiced her concerns and didn't want to pay etc. You and your husband decided to pay for it. Not much you can do about that.

 

[CJane]

My ex and I are supposed to share co-payments etc but I just pay them when I can afford them and if things are tight that month when all 3 of my girls go to the doctor, then I send him the receipt and he pays his half. Otherwise I think its a waste of my time to "nit-pick".

My ex and I are supposed to split all that stuff as well. But, after he got shot down in his attempt to bill me for everything once/year (and demanded payment in 5 days), he pays if he takes them to the doctor on his time, I pay on mine.

 

[castepmom]

ok...I understand the instrument thing. And I am more than willing to accept it. The child wants to play the instrument and I do'nt want to deny them the opportunity.

The tutoring issue wouldn't be an issue if this were algebra or trig or calculus...but this is multiplication and division. Basically the child is trying to count on thier fingers the answers when it should be memorization. The other issue with that is I am certified to teach as well and mom will not allow me to tutor or help. Will not even permit the children to call my husband and I when there are questinos with homework. Mom just writes a note to the teacher that they didn't do it because they didn't understand.

I guess a bulk of this issue lies with the fact that mom treats them like roommates instead of children. Takes them every other saturday to clean houses for money. They used to clean mom's office (including public bathrooms) for money too. Mom has the 8 year old making her breakfast and mowing the lawn. The 10 year old does all the laundry and cooks dinner. Both children know intimate details about mom's 'relationships'. The 10 year old is responsible for checking and correcting the 8 year old's homework. The list is never ending.

 

[castepmom]

My ex and I are supposed to split all that stuff as well. But, after he got shot down in his attempt to bill me for everything once/year (and demanded payment in 5 days), he pays if he takes them to the doctor on his time, I pay on mine.

That would be an ideal situation. However in the past 2 years, mom only takes them to sick visits with the family doctor that has no copays. Any visit that requires a copay...we take them...or they don't go. She refuses.

 

[CJane]

The tutoring issue wouldn't be an issue if this were algebra or trig or calculus...but this is multiplication and division. Basically the child is trying to count on thier fingers the answers when it should be memorization.

Ok, true story... I was in 7th grade before I mastered my multiplication tables. I just didn't GET it... and then, one day, I did. No big deal... I work in accounting now.

The other issue with that is I am certified to teach as well and mom will not allow me to tutor or help. Will not even permit the children to call my husband and I when there are questinos with homework. Mom just writes a note to the teacher that they didn't do it because they didn't understand.

While this isn't ideal - it's allowed.

I guess a bulk of this issue lies with the fact that mom treats them like roommates instead of children. Takes them every other saturday to clean houses for money. They used to clean mom's office (including public bathrooms) for money too.

So did my mom. I cleaned houses/offices with her on the weekends from age 10 til I graduated high school. And when I was unemployed last summer, I cleaned houses and my kids went with and helped me.

Mom has the 8 year old making her breakfast and mowing the lawn.

Acceptable. My kids make their own breakfasts quite often (they're 10 and 8 as well) and when we had a lawn, they helped with the mowing too.

The 10 year old does all the laundry and cooks dinner.

Acceptable. My 10 year old is 'forced' to cook dinner one night each week, including planning the menu, assisting in the grocery shopping, etc - and the 8 year old is expected to clean the kitchen after dinner. Considering they're only with me 2 weekday evenings every week, it's easy to say she 'has to' cook dinner 1/2 the time.

I don't let them help with laundry because I'm too anal, but they know how to do it.

Both children know intimate details about mom's 'relationships'.

What do you mean by this?

The 10 year old is responsible for checking and correcting the 8 year old's homework.

Acceptable.

The list is never ending.

The 'list' sounds like a mom who expects her 8 and 10 year old to act as members of the family team and contribute to the welfare of everyone else. Sounds a lot like my house, actually - and the way I grew up. My kids are not suffering by being 'made' to help me keep the household running smoothly... and my 10 year old FINALLY figured out the 'money' unit in math class when I started sending her to the grocery store on her own (less than 1 block away) to get odds and ends like butter or milk and she had to bring me change.

 

[milspecgirl]

okay- whoa. Did you say she refuses to send perscription meds?????????? And this child is a diabetic????? Perscriptions can only be refilled every so often. So, dad doesn't have the option of just running to the pharmacy and getting some more insulin, etc to keep at his house- it is controlled and they can only dose out so much a month without Dr order. So, if mom is sending the child without perscriptions, that is different than sending them with otc cold meds. This needs to be adressed. My sd must never be without insulin or the billions of other supplies she needs. We get specific instructions from the Dr to give to the pharmacy so that she can keep an extra set at school. IF she goes anywhere else, she carries a bag. It literally contains her lifeline. This needs to be addressed quickly.