How bad is my boyfriend effin up?

[ninalee]

What is the name of your state? WI

My boyfriend moved here to WI with me and our son so that we could be closer to my family as he has none besides a daughter in NH. She is 9 years old and her mother has full custody. The court order was put into effect about 6 years ago, when my boyfriend was honestly just a big jerk trying to dig up dirt on her mother to get custody. He didn't get to see his daughter much in her first 3 years because at first he didn't believe she was his, he was unemployed and on drugs, and her mother was mad at him and denied him the right to see his daughter much at all until the court ordered him supervised visitation leading to unsupervised visitation as he got to finally know his daughter better. Since then he has been in her life steadily and until his move to WI with me he had her every other (though sometimes every) weekend, and more in the summers. He still wants full custody but is afraid to spend the money to try and achieve this. We think (and her mother has speculated this as well) that his daughter has ADHD, she is constantly in need of attention and is the most hyper child I've ever met. She is a middle child of 5 kids in a small rent assisted apartment. The two older sisters (from a different father) and her fight constantly and her Mom is kept very busy by the younger two siblings, with whom their father they all live with. I don't think that her mother is unfit...though he completely disagrees. However, he has wanted his daughter to get into therapy for a couple years now but her mother has beaten around it just saying she will look into it. Can he get this court ordered?

As for his rights toward her, I'm guessing that right now he really has none? They did agree that his daughter can stay with us in WI for the summer. This was not an easy thing for her mother to let happen, though she did and hopefully she will again next summer. I have to wonder if my boyfriend is ruining that for himself right now though. We have had a very hard summer with his daughter and he has spent a majority of the summer punishing her because she doesn't respect his or my (when he is at work I watch her, I am aware I have no rights toward her) authority. He has called her mother regarding these issues and they have had some heated discussions. He insists that his daughter is totally messed up and regarding this he has been sending her mother emails galore, first asking her to consider letting him have her for a year to see if he can try and improve her attitude and get her the counseling he feels she needs. She said no. Then he got nasty, sending emails that were aggressive and bullying, however he is being honest about his feelings. They did not have any swearing or that level of immaturity, but they are not nice at all. Also, I had a really tough week with his daughter last week and made the mistake of writing an email to her mother. I honestly did not want it sent and told my boyfriend not to, I wrote it more to vent and delete than to actually send, stupid me just forgot to delete it before he sent it. He sent it...which I feel is dumb because I'm just his girlfriend and it isn't my place. I wrote another email letting her know I won't be involved any further. Are these emails sealing his fate to get no custody should he decide to pursue it? He has money right now to take this pretty far...but he's afraid he'll run himself into debt for nothing. I know you can't predict a court case outcome, but in your best judgement from what I've described do you think he stands a chance at custody? (By the way...he has been clean for 4 years and owns his own home and runs his own business now...so his past should no longer be an issue.)

Sorry for making this so long.What is the name of your state?

 

[LdiJ]

The emails certainly are not going to help him at all. Particularly the one that you wrote. You both also seem to have a fundamental lack of understanding as to how to deal with an ADHD child.

I suggest that the two of you stop emailing mom until dad has consulted with an attorney regarding how he should comport himself, and that you both do some serious research on the subject of ADHD children and how to handle them.

 

[Just Blue]

Dad had the child for the entire summer, yet didn't take her to a child psychologist? A Doctor? ADHD will show up on a PET Scan...And such a test should be done before medicating the child. Nero psychological testing is a must also. Tell Mom there is a Doctor in Fitchburg, Mass (about 20 min from Keene, NH) that is wonderful and does the testing without a long wait. If that is too far to travel his office may be able to offer a referral for someone in her area.
It is really important to see a specialist so that the child is CORRECTLY Dx'ed.
My child has PDD but some of her behavior resembles ADHD but giving her medication would be the worst thing to do!!

Personal advice: Please remember...If this child DOES have a neurological condition, she is not misbehaving because she is "bad"....She has little or no control over her actions and often after she does a misdeed will feel confused...She doesn't now WHY she does these things. Yelling, screaming and spankings are not affective and can actually make the situation worse. Speak quietly, use time outs and don't go to "battle" unless you can see it through!! Time outs should be in a room that isn't her bedroom...(no closets either!!LOL)
This is a great site to get you started, it offered me tremendous insight for my child disorder!!


http://www.childbrain.com/


Feel free to private message me if there is any other advice I could offer.

 

[SnS76]

Time outs should be in a room that isn't her bedroom...(no closets either!!LOL)

lmao .. thats pretty funny
ill tell ya, i have an 11 yr old son with adhd and sometimes the closet seems like a great option ..lol

im about 30 mins from keene though and would love the info on that doc if you wouldnt mind passing it along .. thanks

sorry for the hijack

 

[ninalee]

Thank you for the info on the doc...I will pass it on, that isn't far from where his daughter lives at all. As for him bringing her to the psych, her mom refused permission when he set up an appointment. She is the one with full legal custody, and they need her permission, and she didn't want her daughter seeing someone here when she'd only be here for a short time. This is why court ordered therapy is something I'm wondering about, because he feels even if we pass this info onto her mother she'll never use it.

I totally agree about everything...regarding the emails and the ineffect methods of the punishments. We disagree on a lot when it comes to child rearing unfortunately...but I am not her mother and I get no say. I've tried buying books for different options of caring for his daughters needs but he hates them and takes offense to them, he does not have an open mind and feels that punishment is the only way to get through to his daughter. We are in couples counseling too...but my therapist and I don't see it helping. He is stuck in his ways from his own upbringing. I just don't think he has the patience for her, and I know that since she isn't my daughter and I am expected to follow his suit in caring for her (to keep it consistent and keep a united front, and we don't spank btw), that I don't have the patience for the situation either. I am happy his daughter is going home for now, as bad as that sounds, it's best for us all at the moment. But he talks about going for full custody all of the time and I just have to wonder how that would actually play out and what effects it's going to have on our family.

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you for the info on the doc...I will pass it on, that isn't far from where his daughter lives at all. As for him bringing her to the psych, her mom refused permission when he set up an appointment. She is the one with full legal custody, and they need her permission, and she didn't want her daughter seeing someone here when she'd only be here for a short time. This is why court ordered therapy is something I'm wondering about, because he feels even if we pass this info onto her mother she'll never use it.

I totally agree about everything...regarding the emails and the ineffect methods of the punishments. We disagree on a lot when it comes to child rearing unfortunately...but I am not her mother and I get no say. I've tried buying books for different options of caring for his daughters needs but he hates them and takes offense to them, he does not have an open mind and feels that punishment is the only way to get through to his daughter. We are in couples counseling too...but my therapist and I don't see it helping. He is stuck in his ways from his own upbringing. I just don't think he has the patience for her, and I know that since she isn't my daughter and I am expected to follow his suit in caring for her (to keep it consistent and keep a united front, and we don't spank btw), that I don't have the patience for the situation either. I am happy his daughter is going home for now, as bad as that sounds, it's best for us all at the moment. But he talks about going for full custody all of the time and I just have to wonder how that would actually play out and what effects it's going to have on our family.

I will tell you honestly, that based on what you have said here, I do not believe that dad has a viable shot at full or primary custody. He would basically have to prove mom legally unfit for that to be possible at this point. I also don't believe that it would even be remotely in the child's best interest, because dad not only does not know how to deal with her, but actually takes offense at books that could be helpful to him.

 

[ninalee]

So my question now is, can he court order therapy? No one has answered that.

 

[Just Blue]

Thank you for the info on the doc...I will pass it on, that isn't far from where his daughter lives at all. As for him bringing her to the psych, her mom refused permission when he set up an appointment. She is the one with full legal custody, and they need her permission, and she didn't want her daughter seeing someone here when she'd only be here for a short time. This is why court ordered therapy is something I'm wondering about, because he feels even if we pass this info onto her mother she'll never use it.

I totally agree about everything...regarding the emails and the ineffect methods of the punishments. We disagree on a lot when it comes to child rearing unfortunately...but I am not her mother and I get no say. I've tried buying books for different options of caring for his daughters needs but he hates them and takes offense to them, he does not have an open mind and feels that punishment is the only way to get through to his daughter. We are in couples counseling too...but my therapist and I don't see it helping. He is stuck in his ways from his own upbringing. I just don't think he has the patience for her, and I know that since she isn't my daughter and I am expected to follow his suit in caring for her (to keep it consistent and keep a united front, and we don't spank btw), that I don't have the patience for the situation either. I am happy his daughter is going home for now, as bad as that sounds, it's best for us all at the moment. But he talks about going for full custody all of the time and I just have to wonder how that would actually play out and what effects it's going to have on our family.

I hope your bf does NOT receive custody. Gee ...his daughter has a problem and he want to stick his head up his a$$ and pretend it doesn't exist! It seem you are the only one interested in actually HELPING this child! This kind of situation just pisses me off...I know from PERSONAL experience, how the right kind of help can make a HUGE difference!! 18 months ago my daughter could barely talk and her behavior was so bad that I could not go to the store, mall, McD's, play ground...ect...without at least one HUGE HUGE meltdown! I would have to pick her up kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs and leave the store. I was going out of my mind! I had no idea what to do...How do you parent a child that acts this way?? I just didn't know...And then I found help with her Dr. The difference in her behavior is literally a miracle! Today she is a normally behaved, talkative 5 yo. She is at the top of her class in school, reads, writes, does math...imaginitive and as charming as could be!! A pleasure to be around that brings a smile to everyones face!! I am not exaggerating either...All because she received the right kind of help! Most of her behavior was frustration, she now has the ability to reason out her feeling so that they are addressed and a meltdown is not necessary to express herself.
She is better behaved than most "normal" 5 year olds.

Your bf and his ex are doing this child a huge disservice by not getting her help. In my opinion it is child abuse.

If you would like to talk offline turn on your Pm's and I will give you my #.....I really feel strongly that this girl need some kind of help and perhaps I could give you information that will convince your bf and his ex to get it for her.

 

[Accountable]

I hope your bf does NOT receive custody. Gee ...his daughter has a problem and he want to stick his head up his a$$ and pretend it doesn't exist! It seem you are the only one interested in actually HELPING this child! This kind of situation just pisses me off...I know from PERSONAL experience, how the right kind of help can make a HUGE difference!! 18 months ago my daughter could barely talk and her behavior was so bad that I could not go to the store, mall, McD's, play ground...ect...without at least one HUGE HUGE meltdown! I would have to pick her up kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs and leave the store. I was going out of my mind! I had no idea what to do...How do you parent a child that acts this way?? I just didn't know...And then I found help with her Dr. The difference in her behavior is literally a miracle! Today she is a normally behaved, talkative 5 yo. She is at the top of her class in school, reads, writes, does math...imaginitive and as charming as could be!! A pleasure to be around that brings a smile to everyones face!! I am not exaggerating either...All because she received the right kind of help! Most of her behavior was frustration, she now has the ability to reason out her feeling so that they are addressed and a meltdown is not necessary to express herself.
She is better behaved than most "normal" 5 year olds.

Your bf and his ex are doing this child a huge disservice by not getting her help. In my opinion it is child abuse.

If you would like to talk offline turn on your Pm's and I will give you my #.....I really feel strongly that this girl need some kind of help and perhaps I could give you information that will convince your bf and his ex to get it for her.

Better yet, can you convince the father to call Bay and hear what she says first hand?

 

[ninalee]

I hope your bf does NOT receive custody. Gee ...his daughter has a problem and he want to stick his head up his a$$ and pretend it doesn't exist! It seem you are the only one interested in actually HELPING this child! This kind of situation just pisses me off...I know from PERSONAL experience, how the right kind of help can make a HUGE difference!! 18 months ago my daughter could barely talk and her behavior was so bad that I could not go to the store, mall, McD's, play ground...ect...without at least one HUGE HUGE meltdown! I would have to pick her up kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs and leave the store. I was going out of my mind! I had no idea what to do...How do you parent a child that acts this way?? I just didn't know...And then I found help with her Dr. The difference in her behavior is literally a miracle! Today she is a normally behaved, talkative 5 yo. She is at the top of her class in school, reads, writes, does math...imaginitive and as charming as could be!! A pleasure to be around that brings a smile to everyones face!! I am not exaggerating either...All because she received the right kind of help! Most of her behavior was frustration, she now has the ability to reason out her feeling so that they are addressed and a meltdown is not necessary to express herself.
She is better behaved than most "normal" 5 year olds.

Your bf and his ex are doing this child a huge disservice by not getting her help. In my opinion it is child abuse.

If you would like to talk offline turn on your Pm's and I will give you my #.....I really feel strongly that this girl need some kind of help and perhaps I could give you information that will convince your bf and his ex to get it for her.

While he definitely doesn't know how to respond to his daughters needs right now, he is the one who has been trying to get her to see a doctor for the last couple years. Everytime he talks to her mother about this she says "she will look into it" but she never does. This summer is the first time he has ever had her for a whole two months. I am dissappointed with his inability to have an open mind when it comes to books and family counseling (it's been a struggle getting him to accept that he needs to change too), but he is the one who has been wanting his daughter to see a doctor. He has no legal right to take her in himself. He gets way too angry is his issue. His daughter has spent a good amount of the summer in a power struggle, winning it because we don't have the correct tools to care for her. She just got done being grounded for three days in her room. She loses priveleges every time she has a meltdown. He feels if he had her for longer that he could help her "straighten up" her act by disciplining her, and feels she gets no discipline at home.

It is frustrating being on the sidelines of this because I feel like both of her parents are missing the big picture.

 

[nextwife]

How MUCH reading has dad actually done on strategies that are best when parenting an ADHD child? On how to redirect the child, and avoid escalations of problematic behavior? Id the child using any drug therapies and other therapies? I, too, have an ADHD child, and she's doing great now, but she was impossibly impulsive, explosive and was even misdiagnosed as bipolar because of her swings. But the ADHD meds and therapies, plus informed parenting strategies have made all the difference.

 

[Just Blue]

While he definitely doesn't know how to respond to his daughters needs right now, he is the one who has been trying to get her to see a doctor for the last couple years. Everytime he talks to her mother about this she says "she will look into it" but she never does. This summer is the first time he has ever had her for a whole two months. I am dissappointed with his inability to have an open mind when it comes to books and family counseling (it's been a struggle getting him to accept that he needs to change too), but he is the one who has been wanting his daughter to see a doctor. He has no legal right to take her in himself. He gets way too angry is his issue. His daughter has spent a good amount of the summer in a power struggle, winning it because we don't have the correct tools to care for her. She just got done being grounded for three days in her room. She loses priveleges every time she has a meltdown. He feels if he had her for longer that he could help her "straighten up" her act by disciplining her, and feels she gets no discipline at home.

It is frustrating being on the sidelines of this because I feel like both of her parents are missing the big picture.

Time outs should not be in her room...unless you are taking ALL of her toys and playthings out of there. Personally I use a neutral room. Books and web sites are all he can do right now, until the court decides on Joint Legal custody...that is what he should try for...he would have a decent shot at obtaining joint/legal custody. He would have an even better shot if he educated himself on her problem. And he needs to stop acting like a bully with the child, you and his ex...that will get him no where!! Belligerent e-mails and nasty conversations are just counterproductive.

If he truly loves his child then he will make changes in his own outlook on things so that her best interest is priority.

You seem like a good, caring person w/ a level head...Please take note of how he is handling this situation as an indicator of how he will handle these same types of issues with you ...

I really do not mind if you want to talk off line...just send a pm and I will give you my #...I would not discuss our conversation on-line...it would stay between the two of us.

Bay

 

[ninalee]

How MUCH reading has dad actually done on strategies that are best when parenting an ADHD child? On how to redirect the child, and avoid escalations of problematic behavior? Id the child using any drug therapies and other therapies? I, too, have an ADHD child, and she's doing great now, but she was impossibly impulsive, explosive and was even misdiagnosed as bipolar because of her swings. But the ADHD meds and therapies, plus informed parenting strategies have made all the difference.

He really hasn't done any. When at witts end he has gone online, but not very deeply and hasn't taken much from it. He did finally give into a book that we were reading together called "The Strong Willed Child", but he only got about 20 pages in when he felt that he no longer needed outside help and feels that he has it figured out. She has not been diagnosed with anything at this post, so she is not on any kind of drug therapy.

 

[ninalee]

Time outs should not be in her room...unless you are taking ALL of her toys and playthings out of there. Personally I use a neutral room. Books and web sites are all he can do right now, until the court decides on Joint Legal custody...that is what he should try for...he would have a decent shot at obtaining joint/legal custody. He would have an even better shot if he educated himself on her problem. And he needs to stop acting like a bully with the child, you and his ex...that will get him no where!! Belligerent e-mails and nasty conversations are just counterproductive.

If he truly loves his child then he will make changes in his own outlook on things so that her best interest is priority.

You seem like a good, caring person w/ a level head...Please take note of how he is handling this situation as an indicator of how he will handle these same types of issues with you ...

I really do not mind if you want to talk off line...just send a pm and I will give you my #...I would not discuss our conversation on-line...it would stay between the two of us.

Bay

You have a pm!