Teenager and Visitation

[softballmom]

What is the name of your state? FL

My teenager just entered high school. I have residential custody and her father has every other weekend visitation. He lives about three hours away. We also have a nine year old son.

Both of my children are very involved in school activites and sports. It is written in my divorce that they are allowed to participate in one sporting acitivity per year and not miss more than one game. Visitation can take place after the game but their father just misses his weekend rather than picking them up later.

Now that my daughter has entered high school, she is wanting to be more involved. She wants to enter clubs and many actiivites are on the weekend. She is also upset about not being able to attend football games and dances that take place on Friday nights. She has tried to compromise with him, asking him to attend the games with her or just staying until half time. He will not budge. She has already dealt with missing activities in the past, friends parties and stuff like that, but recently, I've let her call him and say she is not coming a couple of times, not often. We've offered make up time, but he never takes it. On the two occassions she has missed, he refuses to even come pick up our son, and not letting me know. So we sat ready for him to go but dad didn't show up. This is totally OK with son, he doesn't like to go anyway.

I've asked ex and his wife to sit down and talk about how we can work together to make sure daughter gets to enjoy full high school experience, they just ignore my requests. I've left msgs and email, but get nothing back.

I'm at a loss. I don't want him to take me back to court for violating the court order but my heart is breaking for her. She just wants to have fun with her friends and be involved. She is an A student, honors classes and on track for a full scholarship through the State of FL. Both kids teachers have documented bad behavior and bad attitudes on weekends when they have to go to dads. Daughter is asking if she can divorce her dad. She doesn't really want to but she is hurt that he will not participate in any of "her stuff".

Any help would be greatly appreaciated.

 

[Zephyr]

I'm not saying that what you want is wrong- but put your self in dad's shoes for a sec- you get to have a relatively normal day to day life with your daughter, he gets eow (not enough by any means) and now you are requesting that he takes less???? where is the special time for dad and dd to build a relationship? how can that relationship be protected?

 

[Silverplum]

I'm not saying that what you want is wrong- but put your self in dad's shoes for a sec- you get to have a relatively normal day to day life with your daughter, he gets eow (not enough by any means) and now you are requesting that he takes less???? where is the special time for dad and dd to build a relationship? how can that relationship be protected?

Seconded.

And "divorcing" her Dad? Completely and utterly out of line. That needs to be nipped in the bud.

Also, you write she is just beginning hi-skool. And yet, she's "on track for a full scholarship through the State of FL." Too early to make that any kind of relevant statement. Heck, I'm "on track" for retirement. Doesn't mean anything...for years to come.

 

[profmum]

I understand you want your daugther to enjoy everything she can , but her Dad only gets every other weekend with the children and if he is not willing to compromise or participate more in their activities, frankly there is nothing you can do about it, short of incurring contempt charges.

If you truly are the better parent, then you have to trust that your stronger parenting skills will influence these children and help them deal with the situation and grow from it. In the interim, I would not encourage any talk about "divorcing her Dad".. simply not productive. And if things get very unsettling for your daugther, if the FL courts consider the wishes of the child, then there may be other options there to pursue.

But this is the stark reality of divorce, our children will figure out for the parents we all are.. good, bad and ugly..

 

[nextwife]

I understand you want your daugther to enjoy everything she can , but her Dad only gets every other weekend with the children and if he is not willing to compromise or participate more in their activities, frankly there is nothing you can do about it, short of incurring contempt charges.

If you truly are the better parent, then you have to trust that your stronger parenting skills will influence these children and help them deal with the situation and grow from it. In the interim, I would not encourage any talk about "divorcing her Dad".. simply not productive. And if things get very unsettling for your daugther, if the FL courts consider the wishes of the child, then there may be other options there to pursue.

But this is the stark reality of divorce, our children will figure out for the parents we all are.. good, bad and ugly..

Lots of other kids only attend such activities EOW. She's surely not the only child of divorce.

In my child's school district, there is a large Jewish population, and many kids do not attend Friday night school activities. They all survive and thrive. It's not the end of the world.

 

[softballmom]

She has been working on her community service requirements since the sixth grade. She has also taken classes in middle school through her gifted program that allow her to enter the higher courses in high school as required by the scholarship program. She is on track for the Florida Gold Seal Scholarship program. The middle school involved her two years ago.

Didn't mention that dad skips visitation whenever it is convenient for him. In the first six months of this year, he should have had the children 13 times. He had them 7, the children only cancelled one time and we offered make up time which he refused. He is allowed four weeks over the summer, he takes two and one of the two is spent at a camp that he does not attend with them. He is allowed one week over Christmas break, he never takes any additional time other than his weekend. He is allowed 1/2 of spring break, never taken them at all. He seldom calls and when he does, all he does is fuss about them not calling him. I beg them to call him, their response is, if he wants to talk to us, he can call. I used to force them but all they ever got was his voicemail and no return call.

He and his parents travel through our area on a regular basis. I have encouraged dinner nights or even stopping by and taking them for icecream, whatever they wanted. They always refuse, we hear through the grapevine that he was in town. He only wants them to prove he has rights and to show them off. This is not a case of dad looking for every opportunity to spend with them, this is a case of dad doing the minimum and then claiming to miss them so much. The kids invite him to everything, school plays, awards ceremonies, ball games, anything. Daughter even begged him to come to middle school graduation, she received a special award, wanted him to see her. He told her he had to save his days off from work for hunting season.

This could be as simple as him picking them up Saturday morning, which he does when it is convenient for him, but he won't if they ask.

As far as the divorcing him, i told her that was something you only see on after school specials and not real world. We are pretty grounded, I'm very frank with her. I tell her all the time she needs to talk to her dad and tell him how she feels. But every time she tries, all she gets is a lecture about what his rights are. She is old enough now that she starts to remind him of exactly what his rights are and how he doesn't even take what he has been given. The typical mouthy teenager pops up and I have to call her down for talking to him like that.

I've tried to get her to just enjoy the times he cancells and realize it could be really worse but she is not content with that. She wants him to adjust to her sometimes.

 

[Silverplum]

Legal info doesn't change with that latest post.

 

[softballmom]

I'm not in anyway saying my daughter will not strive and thrive. She will "survive" whatever happens but surviving is not all i want for my children.

And yes, both of my children have friends that are from divorced families as well. My children seen to be the only ones in our area that deal with this. They see the other children actively involved with both parents. They may not sit together at functions but they both participate or adjust schedules to allow children to participate.

When my daughter asked her father to come sit at the football game with her tonight at least until half time, he said, why would i do that? I don't know anyone playing, why would i want to do that?

 

[Silverplum]

Still, the legal answer remains the same. He's their father. He has a court ordered visitation schedule. She's a child.

Help her to deal with it, rather than helping her to avoid it.

 

[softballmom]

I appreciate your comments. In helping her deal with it, why is it OK for him to cancel but not for her (me) to cancel. This is where I struggle explaining the issue to her.

With his track record of cancelling and not taking advantage of what he is allowed, does that give reason to have the visitation reduced or at least re-evaluated?

 

[Zephyr]

I appreciate your comments. In helping her deal with it, why is it OK for him to cancel but not for her (me) to cancel. This is where I struggle explaining the issue to her.

because he has a RIGHT to his parenting time, not an obligation



With his track record of cancelling and not taking advantage of what he is allowed, does that give reason to have the visitation reduced or at least re-evaluated?

why not just move forward quietly and do nothing? he's already missing half his time by his own choice which gives your daughter more opportunities to attend the activities she wants to, if you file for reduction of time you can bet your bottom dollar that he will start taking every ounce of time he is entitled to until the matter is decided

 

[Silverplum]

I appreciate your comments. In helping her deal with it, why is it OK for him to cancel but not for her (me) to cancel. This is where I struggle explaining the issue to her.

The reason is this: The NCP (non-custodial parent) has the OBLIGATION to provide support. S/He has the RIGHT to see her/his child/ren.

The CP (custodial parent) has the OBLIGATION to provide the child/ren for the NCP's time.

That's the legal situation. So he can cancel,he can never use his time. That's his right. But you may not deny him his visitation when he wants to use it. That's your obligation.

With his track record of cancelling and not taking advantage of what he is allowed, does that give reason to have the visitation reduced or at least re-evaluated?

Maybe. Speak with a local attorney. Look up Gracie's posts -- she's in FL and gives great state-specific info.

 

[softballmom]

i would be happy to move forward quietly except that we can never plan anything. she cannot commit to functions at school or elsewhere. it's really sad, she carries around a calendar so when friends start to plan parties or when the school announces, she can figure out whether or not it is going to be a fight.

i have never asked for child support to be re-evaluated, if it were, support would almost double as we had to impune (sp?) wages on him at the time of our divorce and they were estimated very very very low. He is aware and always asking if i'm going to take him back to court. My current plan of action is to let her skip every once in a while based on the activity. At one time, my attorney said that special occassions would be OK as long as we notified him in writing and offered equal or additional make up time. I'm not saying let her stay home once or month or anything like that, but for a first time school dance or a district ballgame...something along those lines, I plan to let her skip. I do not believe he will ever take me to court over a few here and there because of the money. I can live quite comfortably as I have worked hard and make a good living for us, but he lives far beyond his means as it is.

I know this is a gamble but one that I'm willing to take at this point. I was hoping you all could offer something a little more substantial but it is what it is.

Thanks
softballmom

 

[Ohiogal]

Nice to know you plan to let your daughter not follow a court order and you plan to show her that court orders do not need to be followed for "special occasions". When she decides LAWS do not need to be followed for special occasions that should prove interesting.

 

[CJane]

it's really sad, she carries around a calendar so when friends start to plan parties or when the school announces, she can figure out whether or not it is going to be a fight.

This is interesting to me.

My kids are 7 and 10. They don't need a calendar to remember when they're supposed to be with parent X or parent Y. And they also don't feel cheated if they don't attend an activity/party/whatever because one parent or the other says no.

What THEY do is inform the parent whose time it is as soon as possible after finding out about an activity/party/whatever. Then that parent gives the yes/no/maybe and the kid RSVPs. If it works for VERY social not-even-close-to-teens, I guess I'm flummoxed about why it won't work for a teenager who you seem to think is responsible enough to make decisions that contradict a judge's.