Teenager and Visitation

[majomom1]

Originally posted by: Ohiogal
Nice to know you plan to let your daughter not follow a court order and you plan to show her that court orders do not need to be followed for "special occasions". When she decides LAWS do not need to be followed for special occasions that should prove interesting.

And right behind that she will stop following YOUR rules and instruction. Guaranteed. If you give her an out, and justify it... then YOU will have nothing to stand on when you try to set, or enforce, rules.

I know it is hard to stand by and watch, but you have to teach them that these things happen in life and they have to accept it, and deal with it appropriately, not find a way around, or out.

 

[Ohiogal]

This is interesting to me.

My kids are 7 and 10. They don't need a calendar to remember when they're supposed to be with parent X or parent Y. And they also don't feel cheated if they don't attend an activity/party/whatever because one parent or the other says no.

What THEY do is inform the parent whose time it is as soon as possible after finding out about an activity/party/whatever. Then that parent gives the yes/no/maybe and the kid RSVPs. If it works for VERY social not-even-close-to-teens, I guess I'm flummoxed about why it won't work for a teenager who you seem to think is responsible enough to make decisions that contradict a judge's.

It won't work for a teenager because the teenager is apparently spoiled and mom doesn't WANT it to work for said teenager because this mom and child are above the law. Rules, it seems, are for OTHER people.

 

[CJane]

It won't work for a teenager because the teenager is apparently spoiled and mom doesn't WANT it to work for said teenager because this mom and child are above the law. Rules, it seems, are for OTHER people.

Ahhhh... right. I must have missed that part while I was PARENTING my kids.

GAWD, the board is full of parents of the CP and NCP variety making all the rest of us look like saints.

 

[profmum]

I appreciate your comments. In helping her deal with it, why is it OK for him to cancel but not for her (me) to cancel. This is where I struggle explaining the issue to her.

With his track record of cancelling and not taking advantage of what he is allowed, does that give reason to have the visitation reduced or at least re-evaluated?

Yes it does,but keep in mind, with him getting only every other weekend, any litigation may not change that time much and it could be a lot of stress and $$ in an already stressful situation for you. Your child will not just "survive", we all want our kids to thrive, and she will too, and missing activities on weekends with her father, will not be the end of the world in the long run. Her father not wanting to spend time with her, or participate in her life, is the reality of who her father is, you cannot protect her from that, and couldn't do so, even you remained married and as Zephyr said why rock the boat.. keep things moving along, if you litigate, he could get nasty and insist on more time.. sounds like the best advice to me.

Your daugther sounds like she is more than thriving despite your concerns.. academically she is gifted, so clearly, whatever parenting arrangement you have is working for her, despite her unhappiness.. and well, we all remember what the teenage years are like.! So stay put.

 

[softballmom]

I'm shocked to read that you think i am spoiling my child by allowing her to particiate in school and social activities that every other child has the opportunity to attend. it is not her fault that her father chose to move three hours away.

i've talked again with my attorney and she reminded me that we are both charged to work together in the best interest of the children. if something comes up, i can attempt to communicate with him, allow the children to participate and offer make up time. there is no judge in the world that expects children to make every visition until they are 18 years old. things happen. the only risk we would face would be if the judge felt it was happening too often, which we are in no dange of. she tries to miss every vistitation but i will not allow it. i tell her her father has rights and that he does want to see them and spend time with the. i try. i offer make up time, i offer time in addition to what he is allowed. i understand that all future relationships with men will be affected by her relationship with her father. i have tried for years to make excuses for him to her, i have initiated cards, gifts and phone calls, i have encouraged her to be positive. the kicker here is she is old enough now to see the truth for herself.

but just so you get a little more of the picture, this past weekend was typical. his wife picks them up. he works all weekened. she is responsible for them. she does not give my son his much needed medicine, he must take it daily. she does not follow up toi make sure he does his homework that was explained to her in detail when she picked them up. then when she remembered about the homework, she asked my daughter why she didn't remind her. ok, who's the adult here.

 

[Zephyr]

I'm shocked to read that you think i am spoiling my child by allowing her to particiate in school and social activities that every other child has the opportunity to attend. it is not her fault that her father chose to move three hours away.

i've talked again with my attorney and she reminded me that we are both charged to work together in the best interest of the children. if something comes up, i can attempt to communicate with him, allow the children to participate and offer make up time. there is no judge in the world that expects children to make every visition until they are 18 years old. things happen. the only risk we would face would be if the judge felt it was happening too often, which we are in no dange of. she tries to miss every vistitation but i will not allow it. i tell her her father has rights and that he does want to see them and spend time with the. i try. i offer make up time, i offer time in addition to what he is allowed. i understand that all future relationships with men will be affected by her relationship with her father. i have tried for years to make excuses for him to her, i have initiated cards, gifts and phone calls, i have encouraged her to be positive. the kicker here is she is old enough now to see the truth for herself.

but just so you get a little more of the picture, this past weekend was typical. his wife picks them up. he works all weekened. she is responsible for them. she does not give my son his much needed medicine, he must take it daily. she does not follow up toi make sure he does his homework that was explained to her in detail when she picked them up. then when she remembered about the homework, she asked my daughter why she didn't remind her. ok, who's the adult here.

I have never heard it put that way before......

 

[softballmom]

i just read in another thread that the term i'm looking for is a "variance in parenting schedule". i guess my attorney did not use the exact legal term. but the situation does seem to exist.

 

[profmum]

i just read in another thread that the term i'm looking for is a "variance in parenting schedule". i guess my attorney did not use the exact legal term. but the situation does seem to exist.


Tread carefully with this route (I dont know enough to know the legal context of this term), I do know about contempt of court and that is no laughing matter..you might be better off in trying to focus on (in your legal motions) whether Dad is truly the one spending time with his children on his parenting time vs, letting the kids miss parenting time.. just my $0.02

 

[Ohiogal]

i just read in another thread that the term i'm looking for is a "variance in parenting schedule". i guess my attorney did not use the exact legal term. but the situation does seem to exist.

And that only matters if THAT TERM is in your court order. If not then the court order time is when dad gets to see child. If child doesn't want to go and you allow her to miss then YOU are in contempt of the court order. What is so difficult to understand about that? And you offering makeup time does NOT matter if your court order does not state that you get to offer it whenever YOU think it is appropriate.