Custody Modification for CSM

[JacobJoel]

What is the name of your state? NM

This is JJ from the 'No Hijacking' thread. i was wondering if i should start a new one because the original one got kinda long. When i signed, wa la!

It had been closed. Quandry over.

I read the thread to my husband because he has some weirdness w/his eyes, after a day on the computer at work he can't bear to look at the screen at home.

I think all the kindness, support and information overwhelmed him as well because he was speechless. He wants me to relay his gratitude to you all.

he also said "what do we do with all this now?"

We are distilling what i have gathered, waiting to see if the good lawyer responds and how he does and then we have to establish a plan of action based on what he wants for his children.

he wants mutual respect/support between his ex wife and himself.

he wants his children as much as possible.

he does not want them relocated.

he would like a review of the CS so that there is a more realistic amount coming out of his pocket.

We (because i am part of this) do NOT want the children traumatized, put in the middle, exposed to negative, demeaning conversation concerning either parent. We do not want to live financially the way we are, there is more to this then i have put on here.

We just don't know where to start. especially w/out a lawyer and we may not find one that we can afford, or who wants to deal w/my husband being prior military.

i'll keep you all posted. (because i NEED you!)

edited to add: CSM is a military acronym for Command Sergeant Major which is the highest rank my husband achieved in his 23+ years active duty/national guard. He wil be having his retirement ceremony next month. I wonder how many military members have been treated the way he has been treated by their families and court system.

 

[CJane]

he wants mutual respect/support between his ex wife and himself.

We all want that. It's a damn shame, but it can't really be ordered or enforced. My ex will never behave himself. Neither will stealth's or Zephyr's or casa's.

Some of us got lucky, and are friends with our ex's, some of us not so much. That's a 'learn to live with it' issue.

he wants his children as much as possible.

What is his exact ordered schedule now, and what would he like to see? I don't wanna look in your old thread.

he does not want them relocated.

This can certainly be accomplished.

he would like a review of the CS so that there is a more realistic amount coming out of his pocket.

In my state, and someone will post about yours, I'm sure. But in my state, ANY custody modification has to include a review of CS.

We (because i am part of this) do NOT want the children traumatized, put in the middle, exposed to negative, demeaning conversation concerning either parent. We do not want to live financially the way we are, there is more to this then i have put on here.

If he files the modification, he needs to request the appointment of a Guardian Ad Litem. This is an attorney (usually) who is appointed by the court and paid for by the parents, and whose job it is to protect and determine the best interests of the children.

We just don't know where to start. especially w/out a lawyer

Start by determining EXACTLY what dad hopes to accomplish and in what order.

Does he have official notice of the intent to relocate, or when the wedding is (mom is getting married, right)?

 

[JacobJoel]

I want to wait to answer all your astute questions when my darling husband gets things sorted out in his brain. i can only do the leg work, he has to make the choices as to what to do and when, they are his babies.

here are the ones i can answer now:

We have no wedding date, only numerous fleeting comments/conversations from the children that mom is engaged and 'almost married'.

the visitation schedule is this, verbatim:

Father will have visitation with children on 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends of the month from 6:00 pm on Friday until Suncay night at 7:00 pm. Father will have visitation two days a week from 6:00 p.m. until 8:00 pm. Father shall have visitation every Tuesday from 5:30 pm until 7:00 pm. On the weekends that Father does not have overnight visitation with the children, Father shall have visitation on Friday from 5:30 until 9:00 pm.

He has been severly advised/counseld and otherwise instructed that ALL friday visitation is considered one of the two days of visitation. When we first married we never had a friday off and the mom always had a friday night babysitter.

We requested Wednesdays in lieu of Fridays and it was (benevolently) granted. However, on the weeks he has the children for the week ends he only gets them (there are two, btw, a boy and a girl) on Mondays.

My opinion is that this is not a correct interpretation, but, again, he has not had the money or lawyer to contest it. I am not in a position to push it.

Tuesdays were not ever about visitation, per se, they were about attending a class. my husband used to teach martial arts, part of his 'payment' were free classes for his children, they were on Tuesdays. soon enough dh realized his children could already instruct the instructor so he removed them from the class and was teaching them himself. when he quit doing martial arts, the tuesdays were removed. by the other parent.

i would like to see another activity come into play for tuesdays and have that time reactivated. the girl child is 20 - 25 pounds overweight. (she's 11)

we had her for six weeks this summer, she lost an average of 3 pounds per week, not because we had her on a diet, but i kept them very, very busy. the other camp got her for their two weeks + an extra one and she came back 23 pounds heavier then when she left us, she had gained back everything she lost so effortlessly plus 3 more. i couldn't believe it...

it was astounding.

Until hubby sorts this out i think it prudent of me to just wait. but i dearly appreciate the support and guidance, and so does he.

if anyone sees anything that i have posted that would hurt his case should his exwife find this site, please, please, let me know. i will correct or delete it.

i have no pride at this point.

 

[JacobJoel]

and the NEXT question is...

this question brings up one over here.

my husband's job is talking about putting him in a program that will send him out of state for a week at a time at regular intervals. this program will help him in his career advancement.

he wants to turn it down because he says losing time w/the kids will not only will reflect badly on him as well as the fact that he is so denigrated in the other camp that it will take a llot of time and effort to overcome that when they go for an extended amount of time w/out his input.

can he have me pick up the visitation as the step mom? are visitations something that can be delegated

 

[CJane]

can he have me pick up the visitation as the step mom? are visitations something that can be delegated

Not really.

Ya know though. W/out a move date, this might be the reason dad really needs to file for a mod. If the week away is a regular interval thing, then week on/week off visitation might be the perfect solution - especially since he's supposed to have an essentially 50/50 schedule anyway.

 

[JacobJoel]

thanks for your patient coaching, people, on my board etiquette.

i agree cj. i so want him to get this resolved. for his emotional well being and that of the childern.

the mother is making him look very, very weak, in my opinion, and this will have rally deep ramifications on his children and his relationship w/his children.

his non action only supports her side of things.

however, i know the understory and i understand what he is doing and why. so all i can do is ask questions, fact find, and be ready when he is.

thanks.

 

[wileybunch]

A non legal opinion about looking weak .....
My husband also tread carefully w/his ex so that she wouldn't become more enraged then she already did about things and he let things go on for too long as a result before he realized there was such a thing as a contempt motion and set forth to fight the big fight. When he'd gone back to court to have things clarified before and get some boundaries set up (ie. they are not allowed to come out and approach the other parent during pick up/drop off b/c of her harassment), no one told him what she'd been doing could have been contempt, but even at that she turned that into a bloodbath and alienated the kids more. Mom likes to play the victim, but Mom is the eternal bully, is the one that was cheating x3 w/married men while married, etc. so she's heavily invested in making dad the bad guy plus she's got issues w/her personality anyway.

Despite how dirty Mom plays and how much she manipulates every situation and has no qualms about tearing her children up in the middle, she is the strong one. The kids can see that. It doesn't mean she is fair, right, equitable or any of those things, but she is a WARRIOR and as sick as it seems, children find safety in that. They really do. When it's a mother doing the warrioring, something children would typically think of a father doing (the safety and protector parent), it skews things even more away from Dad to Mom.

By Dads backing down to avoid Mom's rages and alienation, they really just lose even more.

Your husband needs to be no nonsense, no drama, straight, steady, dependable, strong, etc.

Don't know if this applies to your situation, but I've kinda gathered your husband has held back "for the sake of the kids" like my husband had, not wanting to have Solomon's child done on his children by his ex, but that ends up being a slow death of the father-child relationship really. It doesn't work.

 

[JacobJoel]

You nailed it WB

Wiley you absolutely nailed one of the aspects i think we are up against.

they fought ugly when they were married and she totally used his military, etc., against him publically during the divorce, he was just masacarred (no spell). I mean, just yesterday we went somewhere and he ran into someone that for some reason felt compelled to tell him some of the stuff that they were told during the divorce, it was astonishing.

it's bizarre to live in a small town where everyone knows your business. i almost want him to sue her for defamation of character, or liable, at the very least. (i'm not sure what liable is).

and they were a church going couple! the whole church knew what was going on! the whole church knew she accused him of molestation (not a chance, i know molesters, he has not one indicator) the whole church 'knew' he was sneaking around in army fatigues and cammie paint stalking her and his kids to knock all of them off.

the humiliation he endured and continues to endure makes me hateful.

which is why we (he) can not trust a lawyer from this town. or maybe a judge, but we have hope that a properly presented case might turn the tide.

this is not legal and thank you all for your forebearance in advance.

EDITED to add: My husband is not a weak person at all. to have put up with/endured what he did through all this and maintain bearing the way he did takes enormous self disciplin. he is just tired of fighting her, tired of losing all the way around and very aware that he did not handle all things in life well. he lost his oldest son to a bitter exwife and he is just trying to make the best of what he has right now.

 

[CJane]

i almost want him to sue her for defamation of character, or liable, at the very least. (i'm not sure what liable is).

Libel, not liable. Liable means 'at fault'. Libel is printed malicious or injurious statements.

You're thinking of slander, which is spoken and also malicious or injurious. However, it would only muddy the waters.

and they were a church going couple! the whole church knew what was going on! the whole church knew she accused him of molestation (not a chance, i know molesters, he has not one indicator) the whole church 'knew' he was sneaking around in army fatigues and cammie paint stalking her and his kids to knock all of them off.

My ex's whole church also 'knows' that I'm a satan worshipping, porn addicted sex fiend alcoholic drug abuser who neglects my kids by leaving them home alone all the time so I can go out drinking w/my latest married hook up. Doesn't make it true.

which is why we (he) can not trust a lawyer from this town.

Then he needs to get one from out of town. Though I think you and he would be surprised by how little all of that small town crap matters to a decent attorney. Really.

or maybe a judge, but we have hope that a properly presented case might turn the tide.

Your husband actually has an advantage. If the original divorce went in front of a judge for final dissolution, NOTHING that was mentioned in court can EVER be mentioned again. So essentially, they've already played their hand and have nothing left.

 

[JacobJoel]

Oh. My. Gosh!!

CJane, may i JUST say i love you? Not that i am into favorites on here, but geez, is there ANYthing you haven't walked through?

liable, lible...my hope is that some judge is more liable then not to find her lible in her devious actions concering my husband. how is that for understanding?

re: My ex's whole church also 'knows' that I'm a satan worshipping, porn addicted sex fiend alcoholic drug abuser who neglects my kids by leaving them home alone all the time so I can go out drinking w/my latest married hook up. Doesn't make it true.

You make my hubby look marginally like a saint. Thanks ever so much. and yes, people are slowly (it's been three years) coming around to seeing that they were hoodwinked, which is a nice way of saying lied to. and that helps. some.

re: Then he needs to get one from out of town. Though I think you and he would be surprised by how little all of that small town crap matters to a decent attorney. Really

Agreed. by both of us, actually. which is why i popped off that really, really, badly worded and put together email yesterday. bums me out that i did that because i think he would have been great but my poorly put together note shot myself in the foot.

re: If the original divorce went in front of a judge for final dissolution, NOTHING that was mentioned in court can EVER be mentioned again. So essentially, they've already played their hand and have nothing left.


I don't know. i know a judge signed off on it but i don't think they actually 'went to court'.

he described something like this: She showed up with her lawyer, her family, members of HIS family (how is that? If your mother testifies against you in divorce court you MIGHT be a redneck??) and a couple of people from her church.

he has his lawyer and himself.

He gets put in a holding room. Lawyer goes to big conference room to 'mediate' w/her lawyer and fans. His lawyer comes back intermittently w/demands from her camp. he says 'no' 'no' and "have you LOST your mind"...etc....

they hammer out things for a couple of hours. Judge signs papers a few days later.

She gets everything paid for that isn't directly her attorny (i.e., GAL, psychologist, miscellaneous bills, etc.) by HIM (thanks to his attorney) she gets custody of kids (primary) she gets 1/2 of his current retirement (the story on that is disgusting) PLUS even tho he has the kids for 8 weeks in the summer (his one coup) he still pays FULL child support as well, on a scale that has her as unemployed. she is totally employed now and working late almost every night of the week from what we can observe and not dare comment or ask about.

she absolutely refuses to talk to him. i do know she cried when she found out he married me. that says plenty to me but what did she expect, really? to maintain her bludgeoning rights to him indeffinitly? i know that men have reputations for being abusive but i have found women to have the total ability to inflict major emotional cruelty on their husbands, exhusbands and even male children when they couldn't dig at the father of that child. she is one of them.

I looked that up. that is evil. the law reads that custody can be modified. they wouldn't modify it.

amazing, 'eh?

he might ask me to edit this when he hears it, he's actually very private. i don't know, you all may ask me to get back to the legal stuff. i'm sorry.

 

[peppier]

Little towns and lawyers

If your little town is anything like my little town, and I'm pretty sure it is a different one or I'd have probably heard your story already (LOL), you need to ask around and find the MOST hated lawyer in town. He/she is the one that wins the most and in the case of our most hated lawyer, plays it down and dirty.

Someone like that relishes a hard case. If you were here, I'd have a few names for you and I know all the judges in the district too.

It wouldn't hurt if you could find the time to become involved in a church or a civic organization where you could get your side of the story out there. Small towns are funny, they forgive their own but believe it or not, they can adopt you too. You and your husband can carve out a place in the small town and believe me, people like to champion people who have been wronged.

I'll give you an example of small town. There was a man who was active in everything, politics, civic organizations, a member of numerous boards. He died and there was a brand new minister at his church who was going to be doing the funeral and he'd never met him so he wanted to ask the family about him. Well, no one could find anything really good to say about him, I was there so I know what I'm talking about. The next day at the funeral the church annex had to be opened up to accomodate all the people and it was still SRO, probably a thousand people. The poor minister was flabbergasted and actually said something about it, I was cracking up, he didn't understand that even though the guy was an jerk, he was OUR jerk.

So yes, little towns are hard but I can give you advice on that since I've lived in this same little town for a lot of years but I came as an outsider and learned how to become one of them.

 

[JacobJoel]

Peppier, you are very wise.

We both have a faith but we detest churches. However, your suggestion sounds very. very. good.

and i understand your story. scary.

 

[texastepmom]

She gets everything paid for that isn't directly her attorny (i.e., GAL, psychologist, miscellaneous bills, etc.) by HIM (thanks to his attorney) she gets custody of kids (primary) she gets 1/2 of his current retirement (the story on that is disgusting) PLUS even tho he has the kids for 8 weeks in the summer (his one coup) he still pays FULL child support as well, on a scale that has her as unemployed. she is totally employed now and working late almost every night of the week from what we can observe and not dare comment or ask about.

this sounds very familiar and i don't think it's that unusual... about the only thing my husband didn't pay for was her lawyer... the only thing she had to pay for was her secret credit card that he had no idea existed before they divorced...she'd run up about 10 grand on it... he paid for all thier joint bills. she got half his 401k, she is a teacher and said she didn't have any retirement... texas child support is a flat percentage, 20% for one kid, 25% for two, it doesn't matter what the ex makes or really how much parenting time the NCP has.

she absolutely refuses to talk to him. i do know she cried when she found out he married me. that says plenty to me but what did she expect, really?

Ha! my husbands ex won't even look him in the eye... and she had a mental breakdown while we were on our honeymoon... she literally got tackled in her front yard by the police and got taken to the hospital... she'd been remarried for years. the excuse was an allergic reaction to flu medication.