Can my Ex take custody of my daughter?

[kellypa2678]

Parenting After Divorce, A Guide to Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children's Needs by Philip Stahl, Ph.D.

Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard Warshak

It helps understand what is going on.

Thank you Ginny, I will look them up as well.

 

[majomom1]

I am going to go to Amazon.com now to order that book. I think it would be good for me as I don't know how to respond to her when she tells me this stuff. It's no wonder why she wants to be with him, she probably is scared that something might happen to him if she is not with him. Thank you again for letting me know about this book. I really think it will help. She was in counseling awhile ago for making some threats at school(said she wanted to die)almost killed me on the spot hearing it. I took her to the ER that day I got that call from the school and they said she should see a counselor. I took her to see him and acouple times her father was to take her he forgot and said that she didn't need it. She seemed to get better and she didn't make those threats anymore, so I stopped. A major mistake on my part. I am going to seek another counselor out so that she can go to talk to them. I also think this will help when she tells him what her father tells her, he can correct it. For whatever reason, she believes her father and no one else. It might shed some light on that with her. To see that this is not how things should be.

The mind games can be very damaging and the courts cannot stop this. It is normal for a child to believe their father. That is what makes it so sad for a parent to do this to their child. You also should talk with the counselor. Then you are getting more ideas and know what she is being told so you can say the same thing, to reinforce it.

 

[kellypa2678]

The mind games can be very damaging and the courts cannot stop this. It is normal for a child to believe their father. That is what makes it so sad for a parent to do this to their child. You also should talk with the counselor. Then you are getting more ideas and know what she is being told so you can say the same thing, to reinforce it.

Is this something I need to inform him of? I mean, we have always (atleast I have not sure about him) informed each other of appt's and what not, everything that deals with her. I just don't want this to be a reason for him to start to fill her head with more things.

 

[majomom1]

Is this something I need to inform him of? I mean, we have always (atleast I have not sure about him) informed each other of appt's and what not, everything that deals with her. I just don't want this to be a reason for him to start to fill her head with more things.

What does your current Order say? You do need to follow that and notify/inform him accordingly. Did he agree to the previous counseling sessions? If I were you, I would start with a qualified counselor first, with just you. They would be able to tell you the best way to start and handle this. I believe that you will have much better results if you get ahead of his mind games. It will also give you more peace of mind.

 

[kellypa2678]

What does your current Order say? You do need to follow that and notify/inform him accordingly. Did he agree to the previous counseling sessions? If I were you, I would start with a qualified counselor first, with just you. They would be able to tell you the best way to start and handle this. I believe that you will have much better results if you get ahead of his mind games. It will also give you more peace of mind.

I haven't looked at it lately, but I am pretty sure that we need to inform each other of appt's. But your idea of me going first to see what they say and how to handle this is a good idea.

BTW - I emailed my ex sister inlaw about if she has heard from her brother (my ex) because our daughter and I were trying to get ahold of him to see if he wanted to spend some time with her since he hasn't seen her all weekend, and she said that apparently he has been at the bars all weekend drunk out of his mind and no one can get ahold of him.

This is what I have to deal with. Atleast I know I have other people that see this and will back me up, NOT for me, BUT for our daughter, because they love her so much and know how dear she really is. It kills me that he is like this, he is supposed to be a father. He isn't acting like it and I see how it affects our daughter when she keep trying to call him and he doesn't answer his phone. I've definately got to talk to someone to help her and also to help me help her.

 

[majomom1]

I haven't looked at it lately, but I am pretty sure that we need to inform each other of appt's. But your idea of me going first to see what they say and how to handle this is a good idea.

BTW - I emailed my ex sister inlaw about if she has heard from her brother (my ex) because our daughter and I were trying to get ahold of him to see if he wanted to spend some time with her since he hasn't seen her all weekend, and she said that apparently he has been at the bars all weekend drunk out of his mind and no one can get ahold of him.
This is what I have to deal with. Atleast I know I have other people that see this and will back me up, NOT for me, BUT for our daughter, because they love her so much and know how dear she really is. It kills me that he is like this, he is supposed to be a father. He isn't acting like it and I see how it affects our daughter when she keep trying to call him and he doesn't answer his phone. I've definately got to talk to someone to help her and also to help me help her.

I won't excuse it, but Dad seems to be battling some issues... that doesn't make him a bad father. I am sure he misses her and that can be hard. Don't focus on that. You have a good support system with his sister and he does fine when she is with him.

Try to minimize the disappointments for your daughter. Maybe before you try to offer time, when he misses a weekend, you could call him first... without letting your daughter know. Then you would know if he was sober, or if it fits in his schedule. Even if he weren't at the bar, he may not be able to and that kind of puts him on the spot. That can make him feel guilty too...

If your daughter asks for the additional time... tell her no, until you can make the calls yourself. Then she is not disappointed. If he says yes, then it is a surprise and makes her feel good.

Do everything you can to NOT put Dad down... but don't make excuses for him either. She doesn't need to know any of these details.

 

[escape2paradise]

Thank you so much!! I am almost in tears with relief. Your words are encouraging. The only thing my husband has to go on with this is that our daughter wants to live with him solely because she doesn't get to see him as much as us, and that he does fun things with her on the weekends(he takes her to the get togethers that he is invited to). This is it. There isn't one thing he can say about our home, how we raise her, or anything on that matter. So I am breathing a sigh of relief. He does intimidate me, and I don't know why. I shouldn't let it get to me as I do. My ex sister inlaw tells me the same thing. I just love our daughter so much and I don't want anything bad to happen to her, and I want her to have a stable home and environment, where she will feel comfortable, regardless if she thinks I am to over protective of her.

Thank you again.

I don't want to scare you, but, I felt the same way when my X was doing this same scenario with my then 12 yr old daughter. I thought there is no way he can claim anything other than I am a good mother. WRONG! He has lied, lied, lied, making false abuse allegations against me and my now husband. He tried to coax my daughter into backing him and she did somewhat, but not to the extent he was pushing for. He tried his best to alienate her by telling her lies about me and bribing her with how great things would be at his house. He had my DD run away 2 X. He was trying to show the court that she is so miserable with me that it would just be safer for her to live with him etc....Do not get all cozy thinking he won't attempt this. He can and he might. Of course he does have to prove his allegations, but in the meantime you have to live with the accusations, possible CPS investigations and open your life up to scrutiny like no other.

My X played the same pity game with DD. I love you more, you are my only child, your mom has your brothers. Your step dad doesn't love you and can't love you like he does his own kids. Never mind her step dad has raised her since she was 18 mos. old, he is the one who read to her at night, coaches her teams, financially supports her etc...X is a loser who lives life as one big party, hasn't worked in 7 yrs. See's DD when he has nothing better to do, it goes on and on.

Do as other posters said, get DD into counseling NOW! I didn't see any of this coming until it was almost in full swing. Be proactive and cover your bases now. You may be a great mom and provide a wonderful home for your daughter, but the court doesn't know this and he may very well conjure up some nasty stuff to suit his own ends.

Good luck to you!

 

[kellypa2678]

I won't excuse it, but Dad seems to be battling some issues... that doesn't make him a bad father. I am sure he misses her and that can be hard. Don't focus on that. You have a good support system with his sister and he does fine when she is with him.

Try to minimize the disappointments for your daughter. Maybe before you try to offer time, when he misses a weekend, you could call him first... without letting your daughter know. Then you would know if he was sober, or if it fits in his schedule. Even if he weren't at the bar, he may not be able to and that kind of puts him on the spot. That can make him feel guilty too...

If your daughter asks for the additional time... tell her no, until you can make the calls yourself. Then she is not disappointed. If he says yes, then it is a surprise and makes her feel good.

Do everything you can to NOT put Dad down... but don't make excuses for him either. She doesn't need to know any of these details.

Oh my gosh, no I would never tell my daughter these things. I would never hurt her that way. I am just merely venting here to you about the heartaches that I must go thru, as I know every one has. I never put her father down to her, never!!

I do try to call him first but she sometimes sneaks my cell phone and does the calling. I will have to start to use the belt clip for my cell phone.

I know that my ex has issues that he is dealing with, one being he is lonely. He uses drugs and alcohol to make him feel better, which he needs to deal with and get help. I can only pray to God that he does. I do not wish anything bad on him. He is a good father when he puts forth the time and commitment. But he really does need to prioritize his life.

Thank you again for the good advice.

 

[kellypa2678]

I don't want to scare you, but, I felt the same way when my X was doing this same scenario with my then 12 yr old daughter. I thought there is no way he can claim anything other than I am a good mother. WRONG! He has lied, lied, lied, making false abuse allegations against me and my now husband. He tried to coax my daughter into backing him and she did somewhat, but not to the extent he was pushing for. He tried his best to alienate her by telling her lies about me and bribing her with how great things would be at his house. He had my DD run away 2 X. He was trying to show the court that she is so miserable with me that it would just be safer for her to live with him etc....Do not get all cozy thinking he won't attempt this. He can and he might. Of course he does have to prove his allegations, but in the meantime you have to live with the accusations, possible CPS investigations and open your life up to scrutiny like no other.

My X played the same pity game with DD. I love you more, you are my only child, your mom has your brothers. Your step dad doesn't love you and can't love you like he does his own kids. Never mind her step dad has raised her since she was 18 mos. old, he is the one who read to her at night, coaches her teams, financially supports her etc...X is a loser who lives life as one big party, hasn't worked in 7 yrs. See's DD when he has nothing better to do, it goes on and on.

Do as other posters said, get DD into counseling NOW! I didn't see any of this coming until it was almost in full swing. Be proactive and cover your bases now. You may be a great mom and provide a wonderful home for your daughter, but the court doesn't know this and he may very well conjure up some nasty stuff to suit his own ends.

Good luck to you!

Thank you for sharing that with me. In all fairness, I can say with out a doubt (could be wrong) that he would never do that to me. He can be a butthead, and make unwise decisions, but I don't think he would ever hurt me like that.

I will keep an open eye though.

Thank you again

 

[majomom1]

Oh my gosh, no I would never tell my daughter these things. I would never hurt her that way. I am just merely venting here to you about the heartaches that I must go thru, as I know every one has. I never put her father down to her, never!!

I do try to call him first but she sometimes sneaks my cell phone and does the calling. I will have to start to use the belt clip for my cell phone.

I know that my ex has issues that he is dealing with, one being he is lonely. He uses drugs and alcohol to make him feel better, which he needs to deal with and get help. I can only pray to God that he does. I do not wish anything bad on him. He is a good father when he puts forth the time and commitment. But he really does need to prioritize his life.

Thank you again for the good advice.

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you were... I recognize the 'venting' very well.

And, as escape posted, don't get scared but be pro-active. The mind games could turn into lies or anything else he thinks he can do, but don't let that shake you. Stay calm and just do what you have been doing. Add the counseling and you should have no problem staying on top, and ahead of this.

Keep you eyes and ears open and make notes of all this stuff he tells her.

 

[majomom1]

Thank you for sharing that with me. In all fairness, I can say with out a doubt (could be wrong) that he would never do that to me. He can be a butthead, and make unwise decisions, but I don't think he would ever hurt me like that.

I will keep an open eye though.

Thank you again

We thought that too... keep your guard up!

 

[escape2paradise]

Thank you for sharing that with me. In all fairness, I can say with out a doubt (could be wrong) that he would never do that to me. He can be a butthead, and make unwise decisions, but I don't think he would ever hurt me like that.

I will keep an open eye though.

Thank you again

That's good and I am not saying he would, but I never thought my X would either. We have never had any court orders and he has always had access to his daughter. I was good friends with he and his new wife until she signed affadavit saying she was my DD's legal guardian. She did so to claim insurance money for an accident DD was in with her. I believe his wife is more behind this than he is sometimes. I am good friends with his family, especially his mom. We go to all his families events, weddings, b-days etc.. My boys call my DD cousins, aunts uncles etc... their own. Nobody saw this coming. I wish I would have considered it. Like I said, I didn't catch on right away because I never would have thought he would do this to me much less DD.

I don't know your X. I just wanted to make the point that you should keep your eyes and ears pealed. I wish I had and maybe DD wouldn't have gotten pulled in so deep with him. It was not hard for him to sway her. All her life she has wanted him to step up and be more than a good time buddy. He stepped it up alright, started being consistent, calling all the time, paying attention to her. At first I thought wow, great he is really growing up and getting his priorities straight. DD ate it up, she was finally getting the attention she always wanted from him. Now as things have played out she has figured out that this has a lot more to do with getting back at me than it does with his wanting her to live with him. He had her lying, running away. Not at all like her! Then when it came time for him to do his part , w/ the court, GAL etc....she found out that he was lying to her about being sober amongst other things. Now he has hung himself so much with the court that he has no visitation and his attorney dropped him. We go to trial in March.

 

[TCool]

I haven't looked at it lately, but I am pretty sure that we need to inform each other of appt's. But your idea of me going first to see what they say and how to handle this is a good idea.

BTW - I emailed my ex sister inlaw about if she has heard from her brother (my ex) because our daughter and I were trying to get ahold of him to see if he wanted to spend some time with her since he hasn't seen her all weekend, and she said that apparently he has been at the bars all weekend drunk out of his mind and no one can get ahold of him.

This is what I have to deal with. Atleast I know I have other people that see this and will back me up, NOT for me, BUT for our daughter, because they love her so much and know how dear she really is. It kills me that he is like this, he is supposed to be a father. He isn't acting like it and I see how it affects our daughter when she keep trying to call him and he doesn't answer his phone. I've definately got to talk to someone to help her and also to help me help her.

Man, I wish my ex's family would act like your ex's family. But, somehow I got accused by her family of "screwing her over" when she signed an agreement giving me primary custody. Apparently hiring an attorney to make sure the agreement is written up in a legally sound way is a dirty trick. Even when my attorney made very clear to her that he is representing me and that she would be wise to hire her own attorney(she didn't).

 

[kellypa2678]

That's good and I am not saying he would, but I never thought my X would either. We have never had any court orders and he has always had access to his daughter. I was good friends with he and his new wife until she signed affadavit saying she was my DD's legal guardian. She did so to claim insurance money for an accident DD was in with her. I believe his wife is more behind this than he is sometimes. I am good friends with his family, especially his mom. We go to all his families events, weddings, b-days etc.. My boys call my DD cousins, aunts uncles etc... their own. Nobody saw this coming. I wish I would have considered it. Like I said, I didn't catch on right away because I never would have thought he would do this to me much less DD.

I don't know your X. I just wanted to make the point that you should keep your eyes and ears pealed. I wish I had and maybe DD wouldn't have gotten pulled in so deep with him. It was not hard for him to sway her. All her life she has wanted him to step up and be more than a good time buddy. He stepped it up alright, started being consistent, calling all the time, paying attention to her. At first I thought wow, great he is really growing up and getting his priorities straight. DD ate it up, she was finally getting the attention she always wanted from him. Now as things have played out she has figured out that this has a lot more to do with getting back at me than it does with his wanting her to live with him. He had her lying, running away. Not at all like her! Then when it came time for him to do his part , w/ the court, GAL etc....she found out that he was lying to her about being sober amongst other things. Now he has hung himself so much with the court that he has no visitation and his attorney dropped him. We go to trial in March.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. Now that you have in detail explained, it does make sense. You really never know what a person will do when they are motivated with what they feel is right, or in "their best interest".
I will be keeping my eyes and ears open and watch out for signs of a betrayal. I can only hope, that this will not be the case for me. Only time will tell.
The most important person I need to focus on now, is my daughter and getting her to see and talk with a counselor. I have checked for some in my surrounding areas. I am going to first make an appt for myself so I can talk with them and see what the next step is to getting our daughter into seeing him and what and who I need to notify.

Thank you again.

 

[kellypa2678]

Man, I wish my ex's family would act like your ex's family. But, somehow I got accused by her family of "screwing her over" when she signed an agreement giving me primary custody. Apparently hiring an attorney to make sure the agreement is written up in a legally sound way is a dirty trick. Even when my attorney made very clear to her that he is representing me and that she would be wise to hire her own attorney(she didn't).

It is a shame that things turn our differently than we expect. When we see something one way, our ex's see it another. I hope it all works out for you.