Threats/slander by Girlfriend's Mom

[ihmeg]

What is the name of your state? North Carolina

My 19 year old girlfriend's mom (I am 21) has been threatening me for the past 2 months in various ways. At first she just began by saying "Stay away from my daughter or else..." Then when she realized that would not stop me, or her daughter from contacting each other, and yes she continued to contact me as well. The next episodes however, have become increasingly worse. She showed up at my front door one night screaming at the top of her lungs about how I am a drug addict (which is completely untrue) and about how she is going to call the police and tell them that I am a drug dealer (also completely untrue). My problem is not that I am worried that I am going to get "busted" because that is not the case. My problem is that after that she began going around making up lies about me and my family she began threatening to call the news paper and have them print a story about how a Teacher (my dad is a teacher) has a drug addict son, and she said she is going to do everything in her power to get him fired from his job. My dad being a teacher in NC means that he does not make a whole lot of money, and my mom had a massive stroke leaving her paralyzed completely on the left side of her body, meaning that he is the sole provider for my mom and him. Even today she left him a message at his job where he is a teacher telling him lies about how she has "evidence of me doing illegal activities," which is a lie there is no evidence because I do not do anything illegal. There is no end to the extent of which she will go to try and ruin my life, but what concerns me even more, my families lively hood. This morning I got a phone call from her daughter's cellphone when apparently her mom had gone through the phone and read all of the private conversations I have with her daughter via text messages, so the mother picked up the phone and called me from the daughters phone while her daughter was asleep, she knew I would not answer the mother's phone number, and also claimed to have "copied" all the messages to a file. Unfortunately the cellphone is in her husbands name, so the messages are technically not private they can look at them if they please and obviously she doesn't respect her daughter's privacy, which is sad in itself. But she has had the same phone company and number since early 2000 when I met her. The insane mother also told me that "When you get pulled over and thrown in jail you're going to wish I was never born cause I am telling them every thing", like I said I am not concerned that I will go to jail because I do not do anything illegal.

My question is, is what she is doing illegal, can she go around telling people wrongful information, and showing up at my door screaming that I am a drug addict / dealer and contact my DAD'S workplace with lies and the intent to knowingly damage mine and my families reputation? Also does she have any right to go to the police and tell them that I am some drug cartel leader when I don't even smoke marijuana which is much less than what I can say about 99% of young people today. I know that what she is doing is immature and just plain stupid, because I am an adult and so is her daughter that I have been dating for over 3 years. But it just doesn't seem right what she is doing to mine and more important my families name in our city. What can I do to protect my self and my family from her and any legal repercussions that she may cause by telling lies to the police. Would a restraining order help? She has only showed up at my door 2 times, that isn't really the problem. I know I cannot keep her from running her mouth, and as far as the mother knows me and her daughter are not dating any more, but she still continues to go around saying these terrible things. It has gotten me to the point to where I am afraid to leave my house because I don't want to be harassed by police, and I am scared that they will harass my father as well. Her insanity has made me fearful for my family and I want her wrongful allegations to stop. Please any help in this matter would be gratefully appreciated. I do not know what else to do.

 

[ihmeg]

Also, I am not looking to file any suit against her unless that is the only option, their family has a lot, and when I say a lot I mean a lot more money than mine, and I know they could get a much better lawyer.

 

[quincy]

The threats from the girlfriend's mom have been going on for 2 months but you've been dating your girlfriend for 3 years? What has changed between you and your girlfriend in the last 2 months that her mother may have found out about and object to? Obviously the mother is upset about something.

If you do not do drugs of any kind ever, why does she believe this is the case? Is there any evidence to support this in any way? Why are you worried about the text messages being seen?

What do your parents say about all of this? What does your girlfriend say about all of this?

Since you are not looking to sue this mother for defamation (which I believe is a wise decision for many reasons), you have other options. One is to go to the police and report her actions. Another is to have a lawyer (try to find a free legal clinic or law school to cut down the expense) draft a "cease and desist" letter to the girlfriend's mom, telling her, basically, to knock it off. And another option, which I assume is not one you are willing to look at, is to stop seeing the girlfriend until she moves out of her mother's home.

I would also talk to your dad about this. He may have a solution that fits your situation - for instance, he may want to talk to the mother and resolve the issue, to leave police and attorneys out of it entirely.

Good luck.

 

[ihmeg]

ok, as for what has changed, not much. The mother has never really approved of me, as I do not follow the same grain that they envision their daughter being with, hence they never really approved of us dating. They think I have some kind of supernatural control over their child and that I whisper in hear ear every opinion that she in fact, has formed on her own. She is a very independent thinker, and BELIEVE me, is not easily persuaded to do anything that she does not like. And she communicates this to her mother, but from my experience with their family, they do not listen, her mother does not respect any of her daughter's wishes and all efforts to change her mother's opinion about me by her daughter have been futile. I am sorry to say but her mother is very ignorant. It is not her fault it was just the way she was brought up. As to what directly brought on the threats by her mother I would suspect it is a combination of things, but I can only speculate as communication lines between the mother and I have been essentially cut. I know being a young person, it may seem like the elder being her mother must be right in her opinions about me but I must say that in any other instance if you were to ask what kind of person I am, honesty, loyalty, hard working, integrity, and good morals would all fall into a description of myself. I spent my summer vacation not partying but working as a community support worker for at risk children. I stay at home not to freeload, I could move out on my own easily, but I stay home by request of my father to help him take care of my mother, if I was not here she would spend her day's alone unable to care for herself. And I have no problem helping until I graduate from college here.

As to the part about the messages, I have no fear about them reading the messages, the only problem with that was, I don't believe that any one would like the messages that were meant only to be seen by their significant others to be read, they were simply love notes, nothing more. And the fact that her mother thinks she can deligate who her daughter can talk to. And the fact that she continues to talk to me is what brought on the flare up today. I hope that clears a few things up.

My parents are supportive of me, they know the facts about what is going on as it would be irresponsible of me to keep them in the dark about what is happening when some one is threatening their financial survival.

My father has spoken to her mother, and he told her what he believes is right, which is that, If she does not want his son (me) at their house, or in her car, then that is their right to say so, and I respect that as well, I do not try to sneak into their house at night or any of that, I respect their wishes up to a certain point. But for her mother to say that her adult daughter cannot speak to me and if she does then there will be tremendous repercussions brought down upon my family well that is where my father, my girlfriend, and I stop being so sympathetic to her mother. But, my father for the most part tries to only get involved when he has to, because he trusts that I can make the right choice for myself, and the only reason he would step in is if I was doing something to hurt myself or my family. But yes he has spoken to her mother and her demands he cannot fulfill, as again I am an adult.

As to how my girlfriend feels about all of this, we have taken steps to try and please her mothers wishes but her demands are just so, irrational.

To stop seeing each other really is some thing neither one of us would really want to do because our relationship contrary to her mothers understanding, is healthy and productive. She is very involved with the care of my mother as she can do things for my mom that I simply cannot, for instance when I take her to the mall or some thing, it is difficult to take her to a dressing room, etc. you get my point.

So I guess I will talk to a lawyer but I am just really hesitant to do so because I know her mother will retaliate, and potentially hurt my family. I really just feel like I am stuck, I think I feel the walls drawing closer this whole situation is just really difficult and I really just wish she would accept that if she doesn't like me, her daughter does care for me, and that she could atleast respect that much.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Silly question here: Does daughter live at home with parents? Or is she self-supporting? WHO pays for the phone? The list goes on.

Parents CAN and WILL dictate rules to the children who remain dependent on their parents. If you don't want to live by the parents' rules, MOVE.

 

[mommyof4]

And the fact that her mother thinks she can deligate who her daughter can talk to. And the fact that she continues to talk to me is what brought on the flare up today.

Well, the mother has that right because of this:

Unfortunately the cellphone is in her husbands name,

If your girlfriend wants to have complete control over her life with no interference from her mother, then your girlfriend needs to act like the adult she is and completely support herself, cell phone and all.

 

[jaxpink]

love

well its seems that you love your girlfriend enought to deal with this. I would assume, but if your gf's mother takes you to court over anything untrue or is attempting to, than you could sue her for slander. If she makes any news reporting, untrue public statement or includes your father. If she gets your father fired over this I would go after her for slander. If your mother has a medical condition and this lady interferes with anything helping her thats also wrong- and could be punishable. You could talk to an attorney in your area or get a copy of your states legal code on criminal and civil procedures and read them - see is anything in there is against the law in your state.

 

[jaxpink]

Well, the mother has that right because of this:



If your girlfriend wants to have complete control over her life with no interference from her mother, then your girlfriend needs to act like the adult she is and completely support herself, cell phone and all.

This is true , your girlfriend needs to say cianara and get out of there. For as long as she is under her parents roof than its going to be more difficult for you and her.

 

[mommyof4]

If your mother has a medical condition and this lady interferes with anything helping her thats also wrong- and could be punishable.

Huh?

The girlfriend is still dependent upon her parents. Her parents have every right to forbid her to take care of the disliked boyfriend's mother. Nothing 'punishable' in that, at all.

 

[jaxpink]

Huh?

The girlfriend is still dependent upon her parents. Her parents have every right to forbid her to take care of the disliked boyfriend's mother. Nothing 'punishable' in that, at all.

I am aware- she can dislike anyone involving her family- So if her dislike proves to be deeper and she insists on acting with hatred than he should take action against her if this lady wants to go after her daughter's bf's family- His family did nothing wrong- He did according to her-

 

[ihmeg]

Ok I think it has gotten a little off the point, she is a college student as well as I am, so no she is not entirely self supporting, but its not like she still gets an allowance. And yes her parents pay for her phone, like I said, she has had that phone since before we met, because they pay for the phone they CAN read her messages that was never a question, nor was it even a point in my problem simply a detail that led to part of my problem. But, I am sorry it is morally wrong to do so I would not read my 19 year old daughters text messages.

NONE of this is a question about if the rules they set are wrong or right, I know they can set boundries, raising a child without boundries would make you a bad parent. However, when you were 19, if your parents told you not to speak to someone that has been a HUGE part of your life for over 3 years, would you just stop with out question, even though you know in your heart that person is a good person and is well respected by most everyone?

Again, this is not about their rules, unless I am mistaken when a child becomes an adult there are certain rules that as a parent do not really apply. As I said, they do not want me on their property that is fine I will respect that because that is something they do control, they don't want me in her car, again they co-signed the loan, they have a say in that and I respect that. But there are certain boundries that as parents they no longer can set.

Seriously though, this is not about me thinking "oh well I think we should be allowed to be together..."

This is about her mother going around threatening me, and my family, thats it. anything else is a detail that should be settled else where.

 

[mommyof4]

If I wanted them to continue to support me in any way (and school is a biggie. They are not legally required to contribute to her post secondary education in any way), then yes, I would have to abide by their rules, whether I liked it or not....at least until I could pay my own way.

That's how it works. Those handing out the money and support get to set the rules, even if the supportee is a legal adult.

You have been given the options. Personally, if I were you, I would tell your gf that you love her but that you are not willing to put the added stress on your family, especially when you take into consideration your mother's health. When she is free from her mother's control, then you can see where you stand.

 

[Silverplum]

Threats are pretty meaningless. The law is into PROOF and ACTIONS.

Any of the stuff about "what would you do if..." is not for this site. That's for truluv.com.

 

[VeronicaLodge]

is that a real site? i need to go there. lol

 

[Silverplum]

is that a real site? i need to go there. lol

I dunno! We often send posters to "drphilluvsu.com" or "oprahlistens.com" or whatever. I've never tried to see what's on the other end.

*I* oughta make a site called "truluv.com" and make a bazillion bucks!