visitation with NCP's family?

[luckymom]

I've posted before about my situation but here is a quick run down. I was allowed to relocate overseas with my 12 year old daughter temporarily. My ex, now a permanent resident of the U.S., was born and raised in the country we are now living in and his family is here. One of the arguements we made in court was that my daughter had never met her paternal relatives and this temporary relocation would give her a chance to meet them. Ex's mother, brother, sister, two grown daughters by an earlier marriage, and assorted nieces and nephews all live within two hours of us.

We have been here for 3.5 months and I have mentioned to ex on two or three occassions that I would make our daughter available to his family if they wanted to meet with her. I personally have not had any contact with these people since the divorce ten years ago. Ex has never responded to my queries. I think it would be nice for my daughter to meet them---and I feel I should follow through with what I said in court, but I don't have any addresses or phone numbers. So my question is, do I need to do anything directly to arrange a visit or is that responsibiity his?

 

[Bloopy]

I think that sounds great.

As far as “looking good,” I’d make sure to contact your husband in writing to try and make arrangements though him.

Personally, I know its sounds bizarre, but I’d try to contact them despite him. Unless we’re talking about trying to reach the Jones, Garcia, Sato, Muhammad… family, it shouldn’t be terribly difficult. If you make plans to meet up in a public place it would reduce the “weird” factor and be a fantastic opportunity for your daughter.

I don’t know which country you are speaking of, but such emphasis on extended family is more common outside the US than here.

It’s awesome that you are trying in any case.

 

[CJane]

Well, it doesn't appear that you're under any obligation if your ex is making no effort, and I've recently learned that some people get a little ... twitchy ... when you attempt to find any information about them, no matter how legit the reasons.

Honestly? If they've made no effort to contact your child in 10 years, why bother?

 

[profmum]

I've posted before about my situation but here is a quick run down. I was allowed to relocate overseas with my 12 year old daughter temporarily. My ex, now a permanent resident of the U.S., was born and raised in the country we are now living in and his family is here. One of the arguements we made in court was that my daughter had never met her paternal relatives and this temporary relocation would give her a chance to meet them. Ex's mother, brother, sister, two grown daughters by an earlier marriage, and assorted nieces and nephews all live within two hours of us.

We have been here for 3.5 months and I have mentioned to ex on two or three occassions that I would make our daughter available to his family if they wanted to meet with her. I personally have not had any contact with these people since the divorce ten years ago. Ex has never responded to my queries. I think it would be nice for my daughter to meet them---and I feel I should follow through with what I said in court, but I don't have any addresses or phone numbers. So my question is, do I need to do anything directly to arrange a visit or is that responsibiity his?

I would document the requests you made to ex about meeting his family and make a periodic requests (2-3 months) via email, so that it is clear you are following through to try and facilitate a visit with the family, I really dont think you need to do much more than that.

 

[penelope10]

Well, it doesn't appear that you're under any obligation if your ex is making no effort, and I've recently learned that some people get a little ... twitchy ... when you attempt to find any information about them, no matter how legit the reasons.

Honestly? If they've made no effort to contact your child in 10 years, why bother?

I agree. It seems strange that they haven't tried to make contact themselves. What exactly do you know about these folks? It may be in the long run that they are not people who would be beneficial to your daughter's life. And once you open certain doors it 's hard to shut them

 

[luckymom]

Thanks to all who responded. I met ex's relatives while we were married and they were perfectly pleasant, not crazy people or anything. However, it is by no means a close family which may explain their indifference--and I guess cultural norms come into play as well. My daughter has expressed interest in meeting them, especially the two half sisters. I don't think I could track them down, since I've never met them and ex admitted in court that he has not spoken with them in almost five years. I could probably find the phone number of the grandmother and call her, but knowing my ex, he would probably label that harassment.

Maybe the best I can do, as you all suggest, is to clearly document in writing to ex my willingness to make a visit happen.

Another issue is phone contact between ex and DD. At this point, they haven't spoken in three weeks. My daughter got upset about a month and a half ago when ex didn't return her calls. Then when he did call, she acted very sullen. Then he stopped calling. I don't want to micromanage their relationship, but nor do I want it said that this year created a rift. We have Skype and webcam, so it should be easy to make contact, but ex absolutely refuses to alter his schedule in anyway to accomodate the time difference.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Dear OP, after repeated attempts to have your X set up meetings with HIS relatives and he doesn't cooperate, I'm not sure how your X could come up with "harrassment" charges if you just call the family directly.

If you are up front with them and tell them that your daughter is interested in meeting some of her paternal family, why not? Call the grandmother and give suggestions. A day at the zoo ... a dinner out ... a meet and greet in a neutral place ... besides it being family, it gives your child a chance to really understand another culture.

 

[luckymom]

Dear OP, after repeated attempts to have your X set up meetings with HIS relatives and he doesn't cooperate, I'm not sure how your X could come up with "harrassment" charges if you just call the family directly.

If you are up front with them and tell them that your daughter is interested in meeting some of her paternal family, why not? Call the grandmother and give suggestions. A day at the zoo ... a dinner out ... a meet and greet in a neutral place ... besides it being family, it gives your child a chance to really understand another culture.

I guess I am paranoid because ex calls a lot of stuff "harassment." Case in point, three years after the divorce, I still had boxes of his belongings that he had never picked up. My lawyer told me to send him a certified letter stating that he had 60 days to make arrangements to pick them up and that if I did not hear from them, I would throw the stuff away. He never responded, but I felt bad to throw away things like family pictures, letters from his father who died during our marriage, etc. So I boxed up the stuff I though had monetary value and sentimental value and sent them to him at my expense. I was trying to be nice. Then I got a cease and desist letter from his lawyer!

Anyway, I did some research and found his mom's address. I think I will write a brief note rather than a phone call offering a meeting (in a public setting) with my daughter and making it clear that she doesn't have to socialize with me to meet her grand-daughter.

Thanks very much for the advice!

LM