Step Parent Participation, how much can be restricted?

[Isis1]

I live in California

Okay, i just read a question about step-parents. and a question of my own popped up.

i was married last year. my husband displays interest in being a parent to my two older children. he isn't making any legal decisions, nor is he signing anything. he likes to be involved. parent-teacher meeting, therapy sessions and so forth. still not making decisions. just participating.

now my ex has a problem with him being present. keep in mind, i never ever have meetings with the ex and myself at the same time due to his stupidity and violent behavior. so my husband and the father in the same room isn't the issue. he just doesn't want my husband participating in the children's lives at all. can he make a motion to exclude my husband from participating from regular activities? he even refuses to drop the children off at my home if only my husband or father in law is present unless i am there. he makes the oldest report back to him after checking the house who exactly is in the house after his visitation.

another thing, he is claiming abuse and neglect in an effort to retain custody after losing in June, so he called CPS on me and my husband twice. he also claims that my father in law is being rude to the children and abusing them. (he interpets horseplay on the living room floor as abuse) CPS failed to find anything on either my husband or father in law.

 

[CourtClerk]

If your ex can prove that your husband is (without using legal terminology) sticking himself where he need not be and basically interfering with his ability to parent his children, in CA, a judge can issue what is tantamount to a restraining order against your husband prohibiting ALL contact with the children. On your custody forms, it is the section that speaks of third party interference.

So, for your sake, leave your husband at home.

 

[Isis1]

so he has to prove interferrence? if he isn't interferring, how can he restrict my husband? especially since he's not countering anything the father is doing?

and how can he make my husband not have any contact with the two children when i live with my husband? we all live together in the same house. the courts wouldn't actually make me get a divorce to make the father happy would they?

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I would keep the husband home when it comes to parent teacher conferences.

 

[profmum]

I live in California

Okay, i just read a question about step-parents. and a question of my own popped up.

now my ex has a problem with him being present. keep in mind, i never ever have meetings with the ex and myself at the same time due to his stupidity and violent behavior. so my husband and the father in the same room isn't the issue. he just doesn't want my husband participating in the children's lives at all. can he make a motion to exclude my husband from participating from regular activities?

he can, but if there is no interfearance from your husband i dont think he will get very far with it.

he even refuses to drop the children off at my home if only my husband or father in law is present unless i am there. he makes the oldest report back to him after checking the house who exactly is in the house after his visitation.
that is silly but the people in the house have no legal relationship with your kids

another thing, he is claiming abuse and neglect in an effort to retain custody after losing in June, so he called CPS on me and my husband twice. he also claims that my father in law is being rude to the children and abusing them. (he interpets horseplay on the living room floor as abuse) CPS failed to find anything on either my husband or father in law.

he can try, does not mean he will get it, especially not with false claims!! I will say this, the stepparent has no legal rights to your children and should interfere with Mum and Dad's parenting issues. The Courts do NOT like a stepparent who is overstepping their boundaries but an involved stepparent in a child's life should not be a cause for concern. Too often there is an attitude on this forum that stepparents cannot do anything to participate in the lives of their stepchildren, that is simply not true.. use common sense and have the stepparent understand the boundaries with Mum or Dad.

 

[CourtClerk]

so he has to prove interferrence? if he isn't interferring, how can he restrict my husband? especially since he's not countering anything the father is doing?

You say tomato, he says tomato... SD at the therapy sessions? Why? Sitting in on parent conferences? Why? If he is going to have no input, then leave him at home and tell him all about it when you get home. Parent-teacher conferences are for just that Parents and Teachers, if he is neither, he needs to stay home. It wouldn't be that hard to prove actually....

and how can he make my husband not have any contact with the two children when i live with my husband? we all live together in the same house. the courts wouldn't actually make me get a divorce to make the father happy would they?

No, they won't make you get a divorce. Of course not. They would just order that he have no contact with the children. Now, if that may mean that hubby is then specifically restricted from doing those things you mentioned above, or (and I've seen it at least once) it is ordered that he not be around at all... but those are for EXTREME circumstances.

 

[profmum]

You say tomato, he says tomato... SD at the therapy sessions? Why? Sitting in on parent conferences? Why? If he is going to have no input, then leave him at home and tell him all about it when you get home. Parent-teacher conferences are for just that Parents and Teachers, if he is neither, he needs to stay home. It wouldn't be that hard to prove actually....

yes but by SD merely being there does NOT mean interferance, I think if OP keeps SD at home, then she is giving into Dad's threats and tantrums, tomorrow, it will be that SD cannot be around the children at all.I would seriously doubt that SD being at a conference is going to be grounds for anything Dad wants.I know a case recently for a friend of mine where Dad wanted FROR, but since mum is remarried and there is a SD home to watch the kids when mum travels for work, Dad did not get FROR.. so there is no universal guarantee that SDs and SMs are automatically not given any "privileges".

No, they won't make you get a divorce. Of course not. They would just order that he have no contact with the children. Now, if that may mean that hubby is then specifically restricted from doing those things you mentioned above, or (and I've seen it at least once) it is ordered that he not be around at all... but those are for EXTREME circumstances.

Exactly the key word is extreme, what OP describes hardly qualifies as anything but normative and common sense.

 

[majomom1]

he can try, does not mean he will get it, especially not with false claims!! I will say this, the stepparent has no legal rights to your children and should interfere with Mum and Dad's parenting issues. The Courts do NOT like a stepparent who is overstepping their boundaries but an involved stepparent in a child's life should not be a cause for concern. Too often there is an attitude on this forum that stepparents cannot do anything to participate in the lives of their stepchildren, that is simply not true.. use common sense and have the stepparent understand the boundaries with Mum or Dad.

That is not true Prof... and you said it all in your own post. The courts do not like stepparents that overstep their boundaries. This forum is the same... They have no problem with stepparents being involved in the childrens lives.

OP's husband being involved is great. But it is obvious that Dad has some issues here. Legally OP needs to be aware and reduce any possibility of conflict. If that means that husband stays away from the therapy and teacher conferences, then that's what she needs to do, she can fill him in later.

Common sense is not only setting boudaries... it also eliminates all possibility of conflict, personally or legally.

 

[profmum]

That is not true Prof... and you said it all in your own post. The courts do not like stepparents that overstep their boundaries. This forum is the same... They have no problem with stepparents being involved in the childrens lives.

OP's husband being involved is great. But it is obvious that Dad has some issues here. Legally OP needs to be aware and reduce any possibility of conflict. If that means that husband stays away from the therapy and teacher conferences, then that's what she needs to do, she can fill him in later.

Common sense is not only setting boudaries... it also eliminates all possibility of conflict, personally or legally.

Good point, my only worry is that it gives Dad the feeling that he can get what he wants, but then for x's with Dad's attitude that will always be the case, they will keep pushing the boundaries I should know)

 

[majomom1]

Good point, my only worry is that it gives Dad the feeling that he can get what he wants, but then for x's with Dad's attitude that will always be the case, they will keep pushing the boundaries I should know)

We fight the battles we can win. Husband WILL be a part of the kids lives, that won't change. Why even hassle with the other if you don't have to? I would even make sure that I was home when he brought the kids home too. Not to give in to Dad... but to stop what Dad is putting the kids through having them check the house and report back. The kids don't need that! Some one has to be the adult and stop it. Yeah, it's Mom again... but that's ok. We Mom's are tough.

My ex brings SM to our parent teacher conferences. I wouldn't care except that SHE is the one that pays attention, not him... I know that is good, but the whole point is that HE doesn't do it. It annoys me that HE doesn't make the effort for our kids, yet puts me down all the time.

 

[CJane]

Good point, my only worry is that it gives Dad the feeling that he can get what he wants, but then for x's with Dad's attitude that will always be the case, they will keep pushing the boundaries I should know)

I never throw a fit anymore about the Hosebeast going to PT conferences. Or taking the kids to the doctor. Or anything else really. It does me no good.

Instead, I just keep track of all of the overstepping and the violations of the court order, and make sure my ducks are in a row. Overstepping stepparents - and the parents who let them overstep - have a way of digging their own holes deeper and deeper.

 

[majomom1]

I never throw a fit anymore about the Hosebeast going to PT conferences. Or taking the kids to the doctor. Or anything else really. It does me no good.

Instead, I just keep track of all of the overstepping and the violations of the court order, and make sure my ducks are in a row. Overstepping stepparents - and the parents who let them overstep - have a way of digging their own holes deeper and deeper.

I sure hope I get to see proof of that someday.

 

[g1nababy]

For me it all depends on what the CHILDREN want. My parents got divorced when I was 4 y.o. It's hard to be a step parent you never know where you should be...

I think he is a parent....he step into that role when he said "I DO". False statements by the dad aren't going to hold up in court.

Have your children said anything about liking or disliking your husband? Talk to them about it and see what THEY want. It isn't about the parents when there are children involved.

 

[CJane]

For me it all depends on what the CHILDREN want. My parents got divorced when I was 4 y.o. It's hard to be a step parent you never know where you should be...

I think he is a parent....he step into that role when he said "I DO". False statements by the dad aren't going to hold up in court.

Have your children said anything about liking or disliking your husband? Talk to them about it and see what THEY want. It isn't about the parents when there are children involved.

You win the award for the WORST LEGAL ADVICE EVER.

Congrats.

 

[majomom1]

For me it all depends on what the CHILDREN want. My parents got divorced when I was 4 y.o. It's hard to be a step parent you never know where you should be...

I think he is a parent....he step into that role when he said "I DO". False statements by the dad aren't going to hold up in court.

Have your children said anything about liking or disliking your husband? Talk to them about it and see what THEY want. It isn't about the parents when there are children involved.

No he did not... He said I DO to being a husband and a STEP-parent. He is not Dad.

It is all about the children, but the PARENTS are in charge.