One more question

[momof2_1974]

What is the name of your state? OK

Long story short ... Separated years ago, about to file for divorce finally. Kids have resided with me since date of separation, with few calls or visits from dad (his choice) and he moved to a different state recently. He has helped very little financially.

We agree the kids will continue to reside with me after divorce, he will agree to pay regular child support only after a judge/court orders him to.

I'm sure he loves the kids, just always has some problem going on (of his own doing) that keeps him from stepping up to do the right thing.

I thought about, and suggested last summer that the kids live with him for one school year (this one). He is in a stable home situation right now (lives with family) and this is probably the only time he will be in such a stable environment.

I figured he had gotten used to not seeing the kids and that if he saw them every day for 9 months he would get attached to them again and realize he should be part of their life on a more regular basis. It would also give kids valuable time with dad, which I believe is important.

He jumped at the chance to do this, but at the last minute I got cold feet, fearing I would never get them back if I voluntarily allowed them to live with him. I don't trust him or his family to not do everything possible to take the kids away from me. (I never actually told him I was going thru with it, always maintained I needed to consult with a lawyer before I agreed to it, which I didn't have the money to do before the school year started)

However, he was still angry (understandable) when I ultimately said never mind.

My question is... I'm considering allowing the kids to spend the second half of the school year with him for all the same reasons as I already stated (valuable time with dad, a renewed sense of committment from dad to the kids after spending time with them, and maybe he will learn some responsibility if he is forced to care for them for once), also I do feel badly that he is so angry. He refused to speak to me, and only called to speak to the kids once during the 4 months after I said no. Also, I find the idea of being away from them for most of 5 months much easier to handle than 9 months. (I will visit them every 6 weeks while they live with him)

Am I taking a big risk by letting them live with him, register for school there, etc. Or would it not be difficult at all to get them back as CP considering they lived with me for years and I was sole provider, and will only have lived with him for 5 months when the school year ends?

 

[Zephyr]

yes- huge risk, don't do it

 

[LdiJ]

yes- huge risk, don't do it

I couldn't agree more. Let them spend part of the summer with him, AFTER you file for divorce and have custody set in a court order.

 

[LdiJ]

yes- huge risk, don't do it

I couldn't agree more. Let them spend part of the summer with him, AFTER you file for divorce and have custody set in a court order.

 

[momof2_1974]

I thought you would say that.

Is it because the judge would consider it abandonment?

I don't want to risk losing them, which is why I asked.

 

[Zephyr]

I thought you would say that.

Is it because the judge would consider it abandonment?

I don't want to risk losing them, which is why I asked.

many courts veiw status quo as in the best interest of the children, if the children are already settled in at dad's and making friends and adjusting to life there, basically if dad fights you, the children will stay there until he really really screws up....

agree to very liberal parenting time for dad, but do not give up your custodial parent status unless you are prepared to be the non-custodial parent in these children's lives

 

[LdiJ]

I thought you would say that.

Is it because the judge would consider it abandonment?

I don't want to risk losing them, which is why I asked.

No, its because it could easily be spinned into you agreeing to HIM having primary custody, and then later changing your mind....AFTER the kids were already established with dad.....and because dad could argue for him having primary custody, based on "status quo".

Your timing couldn't be worse to consider something like that...

Its also never a good idea to consider the children living with the other parent "for one year"...because of COURSE the other parent is going to re-attach, and not want to give the kids up at that point...and again, would have "status quo" advantage at that point.

Wait until you have custody orders set....and then make sure that they have summer time to re-attach.